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Geek_girl72
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 Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 11:27 am Post subject: Rite of Passage: Chapter three |
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Note: This into requires an explanation. My first sg was titled 'Rite of Passage' but almost as soon as it was finished I saw how the story could have been much better, with a different setting, more characters, ect. What this is the start of is something that I hope will be a much more entertaining Sg, with similar themes, but a much more involved plot and deeper characters. The setting is also different, it's sort of a 3part sci-fi, 1part fantasy mix, instead of straight up fantasy, and the overall goal of the character isn't so black-and-white either. On a side note I've decided that I'll work on this Sg, holding off on my others that have gone unfinished, and when this is completed take them one at a time. Hope you enjoy the Sg! All comments and crictism as regards this new version of this story will be more than welcome, thanks,
GG
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Prologue: The Great Ones
“…And it is with deepest gratitude that we now honor the heroes who have gone above and beyond the call of duty, who have stayed us in our darkest hour, and who must by necessity be remembered as the great ones of our age!”
The end of the speech met with thunderous applause. War heroes were enough to excite admiration in the militaristic people of Serenia, but Bella and her comrades were special, or at least deemed special. Personally, Bella thought it very unfair that her husband, Mathew, and soldiers like him weren’t given the same level of esteem that her and her team was, but his ego didn’t seem to be bruised by it, which was lucky for their domestic situation. She tried so hard to discern him in the crowd, that she nearly missed her turn to approach the podium and receive her medal. But Henry gave her a nudge from behind that woke her up, and spared an embarrassing moment in the otherwise perfect celebration.
As she only half-listened to the commendations of the MC, Bella couldn’t help but think that If there were any true Hero in her team, it was Henry. Not only had he proven himself a first-rate soldier, but he’d overcome the xenophobic perceptions of their country and won honors despite the fact that his grandmother had been a native of the very country they had been at war with. She received her medal, exited the platform, and watched Henry go through the same routine. He smiled at her as he also exited the stage, that same smile that was reassuring and showed a good deal of self-assurance at the same time.
“Well Bella,” He said with a contented sigh, “at least that’s all over with. Have you given any thought to what you’ll do now?”
“As far as the future, not much. Mathew and I both think it would be nice to have a family, but there’s no rush as far as that’s concerned. What about you?”
“Huh, good question. I think I’ll travel a bit, now that I can do so without an express order from a general and a whole camp of soldiers following me.”
Bella spied Mathew heading towards her through the crowd, and waved to him.
“I hope you have a peaceful vacation, Henry, you’ll keep in touch, won’t you?”
“Of course. Take care of yourself Bella, don’t be afraid of being happy after…everything.”
Bella nodded. Henry turned to leave, but Bella called him back.
“Henry?”
“Yes?”
She took a step closer and offered her hand.
“It’s been an Honor.”
Henry took her hand and shook it firmly, flashing his patent smile at her again, although this time there was a hint of sadness in it.
“Likewise.” He replied, and with that turned to go.
Eight months later, Bella and Mathew moved into their new house, furnished by the state, with their newborn Son, who they named Hal. They seemed perfectly happy, although the neighbors speculated that eight months was a surprisingly short time to produce a child in after returning from a tour of duty, but surprising wasn’t the same as impossible, so most of the suspicions remained in the heads of the people who conjured it. The couple didn’t seem sensible of the gossip, although as Hal grew up, he sometimes wondered why people looked at him strangely. At the time he passed it off as owing to his Mother’s celebrity, but the time was fast approaching when he’d be faced with its true nature, and its implications on his life…
Comming soon: Hal and Henry
_________________
"My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released
Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice
(\__/)
(='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny
(")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination.
Last edited by Geek_girl72 on Mon Jul 20, 2009 11:19 am; edited 9 times in total
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 11:43 am Post subject: |
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Ooh! I can't recall actually ever reading the first version of this - I think it was either finished or just wrapping up when I first joined. I can't wait for more on this, though! Your writing style is excellent.
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 1:08 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you very much, I'll have the first chapter up by this time next week at the latest.
_________________
"My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released
Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice
(\__/)
(='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny
(")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination.
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Alegria
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| Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 1:18 pm Post subject: |
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GG!!!!!!
Good to have you back. If I could tackle you over a screen, I would.
I also never read this story back when you were on, though I do enjoy it.
More, please!!!
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A writer doesn't solve problems. He allows them to emerge.
-Friedrich Dürrenmatt
 
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 1:49 pm Post subject: |
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Looks pretty cool! I also did not read your original version, but hey! That's nothing new. I don't think i was around then. And if i was, well, i missed a lot of stuff back in those olden times.
Can't wait for a first chapter!
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Reiso
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| Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 2:35 pm Post subject: |
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Good to see another old-schooler, welcome back Geek! I must have missed this one the first time around too, but so far, the intro is promising. I like that right in the beginning you pretty much spell out that Hal is Henry's instead of trying to maintain any mystery about it, it makes me wonder more about what is ahead and what that parentage will mean for him. An intriguing start.
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Sector 17 -- Rebuilding... ... ...
In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter--bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter
And because it is my heart." -- Stephen Crane
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Chinaren
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 10:03 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you all for your feedback, it is really nice to be back here and writing again, I sort of let it slide while I was away and now I'm so glad to get back into it.
As for Hal's parantage, if you didn't read the first version, this was also a question that seemed obvious, but had a surprise solution. It's not going to be exactly the same, and I don't want to give away what happens, but just don't be to sure 
_________________
"My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released
Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice
(\__/)
(='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny
(")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination.
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| Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 3:35 am Post subject: |
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| Ver good Geek_girl.
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Scheherazade
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| Posted: Fri Apr 24, 2009 7:36 am Post subject: |
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Interesting beginning... I'll be following this.
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Here is Scheherazade
by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov
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| Posted: Sun Apr 26, 2009 11:25 am Post subject: |
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I'm on a catch up round, and glad I caught this before it's underway. I'll be looking forward to following one of yours, GG - I read several of your SGs when I first arrived in IF, only to discover they were on hiatus! I don't remember this one, though.
So, from your post, new chapter up very very soon, then! Good-o!
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 1:00 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter One: Hal and Henry
"Your trouble is you're in your green years. You suffer the terrible affliction of being young"
-From the film "The Green years"
Hal had been unable to sleep for the whole of the night, and it was with greatest relief that he saw the sun peaking over the horizon. Once again, he checked his suitcase for all the necessities of the trip. He spied the picture on his nightstand of himself and his parents from last year. He picked it up, and wondered whether or not it would be wise to take it with him. True, it would be a comforting memory in what was likely to be a trying experience, but then again he didn?t want to be the only kid with a picture of his mom and dad. It was probably enough that his mother was who she was; he didn?t want to stand out in any other way. Reluctantly, he put the picture back in its place, and sat on the bed, staring out the window.
He felt a mixture of excitement and anxiety; Now that he was 14, and all the graduation festivities were behind him, he was leaving his old friends and school behind for a new one. The particular academy he?d been accepted into had thrilled his parents; they?d made it clear from his earliest days that he didn?t have to follow in their footsteps and pursue a military career if he didn?t want to, but Hal had inherited his country?s infatuation with the war hero. When he?d told them he?d decided on Wallace, a prestigious institution renowned for both its academic quality and the future soldiers it turned out, the proud look on their faces had spoken volumes. He was apprehensive though, about leaving a small school for a larger one. He?d know absolutely no one, and he didn?t want to come off as a freak.
He observed himself in the mirror and sighed. It would be impossible to blend in completely, what with his dark hair and complexion that were more common in foreign lands, and therefore unpopular, but he knew that it couldn?t be long that everyone knew who his parents were. He dreaded being compared to his mother, and to be compared to his father would be even worse. He felt a twinge of guilt at the thought, his dad had always been a good father, but everyone knew that he was a nobody, and in his heart he?d always been a little embarrassed to acknowledge it. In addition, the distance would make it impossible to remain at home; he?d have to board there for most of the year, only coming home on holidays and a few odd weekends. The sound of footsteps on the stairs snapped him out of his own thoughts, and a moment later there was a tentative knock.
?Hal? Are you awake?? It was his father voice.
?Uh, yeah, come in.?
The door opened, and in walked Mathew. He was, in all respects, average and non-descript. His height and weight were medium, his hair was light brown with a few touches of grey creeping in, and even his voice was straightforward and predictable.
?Are you all packed, son? The bus will be here soon.?
?Yeah, I?m ready.?
?You know how proud your mother and I are of you Hal.?
?I figured that out after the first hundred times you said it.?
?Well, it?s true. Here, let me help you that??
He reached to pick up the heavy suitcase that Hal was struggling to lift, but his son brushed him off.
?I got it dad, I?m not a little kid.?
Mathew backed off, and Hal dragged his luggage downstairs. His mother was waiting for him.
?You got everything??
?Yes! For the last time! I got everything.?
?You have your toothbrush??
?Yes.?
?Socks??
?Yes.?
?Bus ticket??
?Yes.?
?Medication??
?Oh??
Hal face suddenly fell and his mother crossed her arms impatiently.
?Hal, how can you forget something like that? You know how important it is.?
?I, um, I think I left it upstairs.?
Hal didn?t wait for his Mother to reply and dashed back to his room. He opened the closet door and reached for the top shelf. There was nothing there. Groaning, he turned and started searching through his dresser. Ever since he could remember, he?d had some kind of ?condition? he?d never really understood. His parents had tried to explain it to him a few times, but they seemed confused themselves. It had whole list of causes he couldn?t even pronounce, but the important thing was that as long as he took his prescription with every meal there were apparently no symptoms or side effects. Since he?d never been sick a day in his life, Hal suspected that it was just over-concern on the parts of his parents, but the one time he?d hinted as much to them was the only time in his life he remembered his parents actually being angry with him. He still doubted he?d keel over if he missed a dose, but long habit had made it almost a reflexive ritual, so much that when he tried to actually think about where he?d left his prescription bottle, it was a complete blank. After about five minutes of fruitless searching, he heard the rumble of tires on the road outside.
?Hal!? His mother called up to him. ?The bus is here, hurry up!?
?Just a minute!?
Hal was beginning to despair, when he suddenly remembered he?d put it in his knapsack the night before, which he also would have forgotten if he hadn?t returned upstairs. He grabbed it out from under the bed, rummaged through it until he found the little orange bottle, and stuffed it in his coat pocket. He ran back downstairs, his dad was already carrying out his suitcase to the bus and his mom was stuffing a sandwich into a paper bag. She followed Hal and Mathew out to the bus, and did a repeat of the previous checklist. Hal showed her the bottle to prove he had it, and then much to his embarrassment she hugged him in full view of the other passengers.
?Mom!? he retorted, stiffening his shoulders and his cheeks flushing.
?Be sure and write to us when you get settled in.?
?Yeah, sure Dad.?
?Be careful.?
?I will Mom.?
Hal picked up his belongings and stepped onto the bus.
?Love you sweetie!?
His mother called just before the doors closed behind him. He grimaced with humiliation, and stumbled to the back seat, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. As the bus pulled away, Bella took Mathew?s hand in hers and sighed.
?Well, there he goes.?
?He?ll be alright, don?t worry too much.?
?Mathew, you ever regret that we could only have on child??
Mathew thought for a moment before he replied.
?I don?t regret anything. It would have been nice to have a bigger family, true, but??
He followed the retreating bus with his eyes as he spoke
?Hal is truly one of a kind, any man would be proud to call that boy their son.?
Several hours later, Hal stepped off the bus after an uneventful journey, and found himself instantly immersed in a sea of people, who all seemed intent on blocking his way. Students of various ages scrambled in all directions, attending to the business of registration and settling into the dorms. A few clusters of more the experienced drifted past at slower rates, discussing what classes they were taking and from whom. Faculty members also went to and fro across the campus, the new and revisiting teachers following a similar pattern as the students. The noise all faded into the back of his consciousness, though, when he caught sight of the main building. It towered over ten stories high, grey stone with huge windows frowning down on him, with an enormous banner boasting Serenia?s flag draped across the entryway. He swallowed, and began pushing his way through the crowd.
When he managed to lug his backpack and suitcase to the main entrance, he noticed a smaller banner across the door way, with the word ?If?? emblazoned in gold. This gave Hal pause; he figured it must be the school motto, but it seemed an odd one. He noticed the way the word trailed off, and figured it must be merely the beginning of a longer philosophy. He dimly perceived a similar banner through the glass of the door, and entered the school.
There were fewer people inside the hallway, although the enclosed space made it seem louder. Hal pushed through and peered up at the continuation of the saying. He saw that it was actually a poem, he hadn?t expected that. The beginning was saying something about keeping your head when others had lost it, but Before he reach the end, an upperclassman collided with him, nearly knocking both off their feet. The irate student promptly shoved him in retaliation, causing him to trip and fall backwards.
?Watch it, moron!?
The student retorted and continued on his way. Two girls walked by at the same time, snickering. He sighed, partially at his situation and partially at the odd slogan. He picked himself up, decided to read it later, and started down the hall again.
?Hey, kid!?
He stopped and turned to see who had called him. A man was heading in his direction, likely a faculty member. Hal noticed with surprise that he was dark, like himself, only more so. The man wore the school colors of grey and blue, but instead of the meticulous suit most of the male faculty wore, this one had no tie or over-coat, his shirt was untucked with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His hair was slightly unkempt, and instead of the usual black dress shoes his feet boasted a pair of sneakers.
?Hey Kid, is this yours??
He held out, much to Hal?s chagrin, his prescription bottle, which had fallen out of his pocket when the older boy shoved him. From the stern look on the man?s face, Hal realized he suspected the contents of it to be less than innocent.
?Oh, it?s, um yeah, it?s mine. I mean it?s a prescription.?
?Sure it is kid, sure. For the first time in ten years it?s really??
The man looked at the label, and stopped short.
??A prescription.? He said, recovering himself partially, and handing the container back to him. ?Sorry, I guess you really do need this. It?s just part of my job to be suspicious sometimes.?
?Uh, thanks.? Hal muttered, and stuffed the bottle back into his pocket. He would have left then, but he wasn?t sure whether or not he needed to be dismissed first, something the man showed no intention of doing in the near future.
?You?re new here, aren?t you?? He asked.
?Yeah, this is my first semester here.?
?What?s? you name??
?Anderson.?
This evoked a strange reaction from the man. He started, and looked at Hal more intently.
?Anderson?! You?re not?by any chance?are your parents??
?Bella and Mathew Anderson are my parents.? Said Hal, trying to hide his irritation. Not half an hour after he arrived and people were already freaking out over past history. But the man didn?t start gushing as Hal had expected. He simply crossed his arms and stared at him thoughtfully.
?So, you are Annabella?s son?.?
He said, and lapsed into silence. Hal, feeling slightly uncomfortable, broke the silence the only way he could think of.
?Did you know my Mom or something??
The man snapped out of his reverie, and smiled.
?Know her? Very well. We served together for five years during the war.? He offered his hand. ?I?m Henry. Henry Ellsworth. Nice to meet you.?
It was Hal?s turn to be stunned. He?d heard his mother talk about Henry a hundred times. If that weren?t enough, Henry?s name was a household word; and despite his annoyance with people who looked at his family as something more than human, he wasn?t wise enough to avoid the vices he disliked in others.
?Henry Ellsworth? The Henry Ellsworth? I?it?s an honor to meet you, Mr. Ellsworth, uh, Lieutenant Ellsworth, um, I mean Sir.?
Henry laughed at Hal?s confusion.
?Henry is good enough for me. I can?t take all the stuffy forms of address they use around here. Far too confusing and takes up way too much time. So, your first day, huh??
?Uh, yeah??
?Bit overwhelming, isn?t it.?
?A little.?
?Have you decided on a specific program, or are you just taking general courses??
?Just general, for now.?
?Do you know what classes you?re taking??
?Yeah: History, Basic Strategy, Math, Chemistry, Unarmed Combat, and Preliminary Survival.?
Henry arched his eyebrows, impressed.
?That?s a pretty demanding course load, it won?t be easy.?
?Well, I didn?t come here for a vacation.?
A smile broke out over Henry?s face.
?I wish the rest of the students had that attitude. Have you spoken to registration yet??
?No, not yet.?
?Here,? Henry said, pilling a pencil from his pocket. ?got a piece of paper on you??
Hal obliged, and waited while Henry scrawled something on the paper and handed it back to them.
?When you get to the office, ask for Greg. Show him that, and he?ll put you in the sections I?m teaching, even if they?re full, you?ll get a seat. That is, if you want.?
Hal thought it was strange to be asked such a question, he would have gladly complied with a command. It wasn?t every day you got to meet a living legend (his mother didn?t count), and even less frequently did they offer the opportunity to learn from them.
?Yes, of course I would. Thank you sir!?
?Hey, it?s Henry.?
Henry added with a smile, and turned to leave. Hal practically bolted down the hall, and continued for five minutes until he realized that he had no idea where the registration office was. After about a half-hour of wandering around the enormous facility, He remembered that the brochure had included a map of the campus. He knelt in the hall way and dug through his backpack hoping he?d brought it with him. Fortunately, he found it stuffed into a side pocket and quickly discovered where he needed to go. Upon finally reaching the office, he had to wait in line for what seemed like an eternity before reaching the desk. A sour-faced woman greeted him in monotones, and asked resentfully what she could do to help.
?Uh, I?m supposed to see Greg about-?
?Greg!? The woman hollered, ?Greg! Someone wants you!?
The command produced a person in every way opposite to the woman at the desk. Greg was a small, meek-looking man with horn-rimmed glasses and an air of hesitant good-will. When he asked Hal what he could do to help, he gave the impression that it wasn?t the sort of question he asked superfluously. Hal handed him the note and explained his need to register, and Greg quickly typed a few commands on the computer, and announced that he was registered for ?Mr. Ellsworth?s? two classes.
?Now,? he continued, before Hal could thank him ?What about your other courses??
?Other courses??
?Yes, there is only one available section for Basic Survival and chemistry respectively, but there are a couple of options for History and Math.?
?uh, what options??
?Well, History you can take from either Miss Hudson or Mr. Berry. Math you can take from Mr. Lawrence or Mrs. Mudd?
Hal was a bit thrown by Greg?s expectation that he should know which teachers to prefer, and at length decided the best way was to ask.
?Is there any upshot to either??
?Well, that all depends,? said Greg primly, ? Mrs. Mudd and Mr. Berry are pretty easy-going, you won?t have a lot of work to do, but you might find yourself a little behind next year. Miss Hudson and Mr. Lawrence, on the other hand,?
Here Greg winced slightly, ?They can be a bit?demanding; but they really are first-rate teachers and you?ll earn a lot of respect if you do well in their classes. If you survive them, you can survive anything.?
Greg chuckled a bit, but halted promptly when the sour-faced woman shot him an especially sour look. Hal deliberated. He already had some difficult classes, maybe he shouldn?t take to much on the first semester. But then again a soldier was supposed to rise to a challenge, and Henry had looked so proud when he?d talked with him before, it could be worth it?.
What does Hal do?
________
LESBIAN ANAL
Last edited by Geek_girl72 on Mon Mar 28, 2011 12:12 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 1:19 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, a few concerns I have about this chapter:
1. I know the dp is a little tame, but they will get progressivley more serious as time goes on, and this one will decide on some regular characters.
2. The main charater is a 14-year-old boy. I am niether. I'm a bit apprehensive of writing from this perspective realistically, and it would be most helpful if you could point out anything that doesn't seem to fit with teenage male psychology, and any suggestions would be welcome.
3. Is this a good introduction to the story? Or does it go to slow?
_________________
"My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released
Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice
(\__/)
(='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny
(")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination.
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Scheherazade
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| Posted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 2:00 pm Post subject: |
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He's not a stupid kid - he made it into this academy, which is apparently quite prestigious - but he is quite inexperienced, as far as we've seen. He may not completely realize how much work this new school will truly be, and make a rash decision based on that.
I think he'll take the hard way in both classes.
| Quote: | | He dreaded being compared to his mother, and to be compared to his father would be even worse. |
So he would rather make a name for himself as a somebody than a nobody, and correspondingly would rather be seen as someone who can take the hard classes as opposed to being seen as someone who slacks off, even in one class.
On the other hand, though, maybe he's unnaturally mature for his age and can realize that too much work is too much, and that trying to live life as defined by other people is not generally the best way...
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Scheherazade
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| Posted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 2:06 pm Post subject: |
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No worries from me, GG. This chapter seemed to go at a good pace
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 7:57 am Post subject: |
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Thanks, so far the options seem to be:
Take both hard classes,
Take both easy classes
Take one of each (would, technically, be two otions)
Is there any other option I've missed?
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 8:42 am Post subject: |
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Well, it all depends on how intelligent he is compared to the others in the school. I mean, we know this school is pretty prestigious, but he could be in on sports or music (ok, maybe not music) or something. He might have scraped a pass, he might have got full marks. If he thinks he can handle it, he should go for the hard options, but if he knows he's not great in those subjects he should choose the group in keeping with his ability.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 8:47 am Post subject: |
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I can't think of any other option, although I think I know which one I'd vote for.
Good going.
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:11 am Post subject: |
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Okay then, I'll put the poll up tomorrow, just in case there are any other comments.
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Last edited by Geek_girl72 on Thu Apr 30, 2009 7:08 am; edited 1 time in total
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 5:29 am Post subject: |
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Hurrah! A pole! Will it be stripey, like a barbers pole?
Or maybe a Polish person?
Ah, a Maypole! It's mayday tomorrow!
I'm going to climb it.
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 7:09 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | Hurrah! A pole! Will it be stripey, like a barbers pole?
Or maybe a Polish person?
Ah, a Maypole! It's mayday tomorrow!
I'm going to climb it. |
  The typo is duly fixed...how have I survived without you guys?
P.S. the 'Poll' will run for 4 days
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| Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 2:15 pm Post subject: |
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Personally, I know that going for both hard classes would be stupid unless he's intelligent, motivated, and quite organized (ie. not the sort of person to forget their medication - and backpack - under their bed).
Of course, he won't necessarily realize that because he is very young, but I hope he is wise
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| Posted: Fri May 01, 2009 10:41 am Post subject: |
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I think the pole is a little off. I thought Lawrence and Mudd both taught maths? You have both the teachers for one subject in an 'Embrace mediocricy' option, and both for the other in the other.
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Fri May 01, 2009 4:21 pm Post subject: |
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You're right, my miatake  Um, how exactly do you edit a poll?
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri May 01, 2009 9:26 pm Post subject: |
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| Best off deleting it and starting again. There's only two people voted so far anyway.
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Mon May 04, 2009 11:21 am Post subject: |
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Sorry for the mistake, I've re-set the poll and will let it run untill thursday. After that, I'll have the next chapter up by tuesday.
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Thu May 14, 2009 4:54 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, the tie is broken, and taking both difficult classes won. I'll have the new chapter up asap
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| Posted: Wed Jun 03, 2009 11:39 am Post subject: |
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Chapter 2: Sydney
It only took a few moments to fill out the necessary paperwork, and five minutes after that Hal was officially regretting his decision. Life here was already going to be difficult enough, and now he’d gone and added more challenges. He sighed, realizing it was too late to do anything now, and consulted his map in order to locate the dorm he’d be staying in. His way took him past the main athletic field, and provided quite a spectacle. Groups of students of various ages were practicing everything from football to Judo. He paused briefly to watch the later, and quickly became alarmed at the seriousness of the two competitors. One student had blood trickling from the corner of his mouth, and the other looked as if he were limping. A man who was apparently the teacher stood by with perfect calm, only uttering occasional instructions, and showed no inclination to intervene. For all intents and purposes, it appeared to be a real, all-out brawl. At length, the teacher shouted something, and the two combatants ceased. It wasn’t clear to Hal who had won, or if anyone had, but he quickly left when two more students stood up and faced each other. It came home to him then what he’d gotten himself into. This wasn’t a normal school, it was a training ground for soldiers, and no consideration for the young age of the students seemed to be shown.
When he finally reached the dorm, there was a crowd of students milling around and rummaging through their luggage for their respective room assignments. Hal showed his to a stern-faced doorman and was granted admittance together with a curt explanation of where to find his room. Apparently it was on the third floor, and he only had one roommate. Hal wasn’t sure if this was good or bad. While he’d have more space, if he didn’t get along with his roommate he wouldn’t have the presence of other people to diffuse the situation. He trudged up the stairs, found the right door, and knocked. There was a muffled voice from inside, and a moment later the door was opened by a boy about sixteen years old. He didn’t say anything, but eyed Hal with a mixture of suspicion and boredom .
“Uh, hi.” Said Hal, offering his hand, “I’m Hal Anderson, I-”
“You’re not my new roommate, are you?” The Boy interrupted.
“Yes, I am.”
An expression of contempt crossed the boy’s face
“Are you a freshman?”
“Yes.”
The boy groaned. “I told them I didn’t want to share with a freshman, are you sure you got the right room?”
Hal pulled out his dorm assignment, only to have it snatched out of his hands by the other boy. He looked at the paper and sighed.
“No, I’m stuck with you. Come on in I guess.”
Hal followed the boy into the room, and found himself standing in a surprisingly bright-looking sitting area with a large sofa, two book shelves filled with volumes of various size, and a large window overlooking the athletic field. Hal’s roommate, in contrast to himself, looked in every way the ideal for a young soldier. He was tall, light-haired, and in excellent shape. Hal suspected that he was training for front-line duty. The boy faced Hal with his back to the window, arms crossed, and spoke rapidly.
“Hal Anderson, I’m Sydney Denver; nice to meet you and all that nonsense. Here’s the grand tour: Kitchen’s downstairs, game room upstairs, bathroom and showers at the end of each hall. My rooms on the right, yours is on the left. Security guards start patrolling the grounds at dusk. No girls allowed, no noise after 10, lights out at 11, stay out of my way, I’ll stay out of yours.”
And with that Sydney promptly walked into his room and shut the door. Hal sighed, and entered his own room. It wasn’t a bad room, despite the smell of stale air. There was a comfortable bed in the corner and a nightstand. A small dresser stood opposite, and a decent sized closet. There were two smaller versions of the bookshelves in the sitting room, only empty, and a desk in front of a window with grey curtains. The window was the type that slid upward, and Hal promptly opened it in hopes of bringing in some fresh air. He could see the athletic field from this vantage point also, and for a moment he thought about what he’d seen earlier. A wave of homesickness washed over him. He decided that the best way to keep from thinking about it was to get some work done, and he began to unpack. The process took him longer that he’d expected. It was almost dark by the time he’d gotten most of his things in place, and he was tired. He placed the alarm clock he’d brought from home on the nightstand, checked his watch, and set the alarm for 6. Classes didn’t start until 10 the next morning, but Hal wanted a chance to look around his dorm and maybe explore the campus a little bit. Feeling a chill, he closed his window, then stretched out on the bed. He could hear the sound of other students moving in the Hallway and talking. He thought about his parents, and Henry, and what his first day of class would be like tomorrow. Gradually, he fell asleep.
A noise woke him up. He sat up in bed, and looked at the clock. It was midnight. Groggy, he stood up and shuffled to the door, thinking that Sydney was up and about. He opened the door, and saw nothing in the living room. He tiptoed over to Sydney’s door, and heard snoring. Whatever had happened, it wasn’t Sydney’s doing. He heard something again, a scrapping sound, coupled with a thud. Hal realized that it had come from his room, and rushed back. His blood froze when he saw a shadow moving across his window. A second later, the window slowly started moving upwards. Someone was trying to break in.
What does Hal do?
******************************************************************
Sorry it took me so long to post this admittedly brief chapter. Anyway, a few things could happen here at least. Hal could try to deal with the intruder himself, wake up Sydney, or call for the gaurds on patrol. Or something else more creative. Comments and criticism welcome as always
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| Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 7:16 pm Post subject: |
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I would think that very few people, trying to break into someone's room in the middle of the night, have overly benign intentions. He should show his soldierly initiative by silently grabbing something nearby, and as soon as he sees fingers cross the window he should bash them with said object. Alternatively, he could try to slam the window down on them, but that would be more difficult to pull off.
My first thought was that he should push the person away from the window, but that would probably kill them because they're on the third story and probably on a ladder or something. Killing someone would probably be bad =P
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| Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 7:45 pm Post subject: |
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| I think he should wake up his roomate at least. He's just a kid, and he's scared. His roomate has been here longer and is better trained.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 6:58 am Post subject: |
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I F5 Grim (and on his first post, too. Well done.) Don't be a fool - he is untrained and someone who can climb up to a third-floor window is likely to be stronger. Once Sydney is awake, let the guy get into the room before you attack him. If you kill him you have no proof that he was trying to get in, and if you can capture him you will be able to ask him what he's doing.
It's all very shooting first, but if it stops you asking questions later there's no point.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Jun 10, 2009 1:38 am Post subject: |
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He may not have time to call the guards. By the time they arrive, it may be too late.
I say he should switch on all the lights and open the bedroom door.
It will either startle the intruder into running off, or make him try to attack.
With the door open he can stay ahead of the intruder if he does attack, and make enough noise to wake up Sydney and have a better chance of raising the alarm.
If the intruder runs off, at least he might get a chance to glimpse the face before he goes.
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Fri Jun 12, 2009 9:17 am Post subject: |
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Okay, so there's:
Wake up Sydney
Get the gaurds
Switch on the lights/try to scare the intruder
Attack by himself
Any other ideas before the poll goes up?
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 3:13 pm Post subject: |
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Alright, the poll is up, I'll let it go for about a week.
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Tue Jun 23, 2009 9:09 am Post subject: |
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Okay, waking up Sydney won. I'll get the next chapter out by tomorrow at the latest
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| Posted: Tue Jun 23, 2009 8:47 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter Three: Lori
It only took Hal a split second to realize how unwise it would be to try to deal with a burglar all by his scrawny self, and that there wasn't time to get a guard. He ran into Sydney's room, and shook him roughly.
“Sydney! Wake up, someone's trying to break in. Wake up!”
Sydney started awake and pushed Hal back in irritation.
“Okay, okay! I'm awake, what are you doing?”
“There's someone trying to break in through the window in my room.”
Sydney froze and looked at Hal with more surprise than alarm.
“Are you sure Hal?”
“Positive.”
“Into your room?”
“Yes.”
Hal thought it odd that what room the burglar was getting through mattered, but Sydney said nothing else and quickly headed towards Hal's door. Sydney opened the door, without any hesitation, and switched on the lights. The intruder was standing in the middle of the room.
“What are you doing here?” Sydney demanded
“I...I just...don't get angry, Sydney. I just wanted to...”
Upon hearing the voice of the 'burglar', Hal pushed past his roommate to get a look at it. It was a girl. A small, frail, frightened-looking girl. She was dressed entirely in black, complete with black nail polish and steaks in her otherwise blond hair. Baffled, and slightly embarrassed that this was what had caused him so much alarm, he stepped forward.
“What are you doing here?” he said, echoing Sydney, “I though someone was trying to murder me! Why on earth-”
“Don't yell at her!” Sydney barked angrily. Hal shut up instantly and wondered why Sydney was defending her.
“Calm down Lori,” he directed at the girl, who seemed on the verge of tears, “this is Hal, my new roommate. You'll have to excuse him, he's a freshman. I'm sorry I yelled too, I just didn't expect to see you.”
The girl, who was apparently named Lori, relaxed at this and smiled awkwardly at Hal.
“Now,” Sydney added gently, “why are you here?”
“I'm sorry about waking you up,” the girl addressed Hal meekly, “I...I thought this was Sydney's room.”
An awkward silence ensued. Hal looked from Sydney to Lori with his mouth hanging open.
“How old are you?” He demanded of Lori.
“I'll be thirteen next week.” she replied somewhat defensively.
“You're twelve? Oh, that's disgusting.”
“Get your mind out of the gutter Anderson!” Sydney retorted, his face flushing, “That's not what she meant.”
“Anderson?” Lori asked, her timidity suddenly leaving her, “As in the son of Annabella Anderson?”
“Yeah, that's me.”
Lori looked at Hal strangely for a moment, and exchanged a glance with Sydney. She looked at Hal again and smiled.
“Well, then I'm not the biggest freak here anymore.”
“What's that supposed to mean?”
Hal asked irately. This was rapidly turning into the weirdest day of his life. Before Lori could respond, there was a pounding on the door.
“Open up! Security patrol.”
Sydney groaned and ran his hand through his hair impatiently.
“Listen Lori, you need to leave, or we'll all be in serious trouble.” he said.
“He's right,” Hal added, placing a hand on Lori's arm to guide her back to the window. Can you-”
“Don't you touch me!”
Lori shouted violently in response to Hal's hand on her arm. She shook him off angrily, and dashed back to the window. She swung one leg over the sill, and looked back at him.
“I'm sorry.” She said shamefacedly, and disappeared over the edge. Hal stood stunned for a moment after she left, then turned to Sydney.
“Who was that girl, and how many personalities does she have?” He demanded.
“I'll explain later,” Sydney replied, quickly shutting off the room light, “Right now we have bigger problems.”
Sydney was right. A jingle of keys from the hallway, and the door swung open, admitting a disgruntled night guard. He shined a blinding flashlight into the two boy's faces.
“I heard all manner of shouting from outside,” He said suspiciously, “What the hell is going on here?”
What does Hal do?
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But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released
Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 12:18 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, it's been more than two weeks, and still no response. I supose I could put a poll up, although the only alternatives I can think of is Lie or Tell the Truth, any other idea out there?
_________________
"My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released
Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice
(\__/)
(='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny
(")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Jul 10, 2009 12:46 am Post subject: |
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It's been a bit quiet lately, but I'm glad you bumped this one, can't believe I missed it! Couple of typos - the most obvious one being 'steaks in her hair'
repetition of 'awkward' (try and find another word)
otherwise it was a good scene, and now we have a hook - who is the girl, and what is her background.
For the DP:
Okay, Hal has to think on his feet here, so he'll say the dumbest, most obvious thing that comes to mind.
"I had a nightmare. I woke up screaming and shouting."
And he'll have to hope that Sydney picks up on his idea and backs him up.
Whether the Security guard will buy it or not is another question!
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Grimmer
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| Posted: Fri Jul 10, 2009 2:29 pm Post subject: |
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| He could say that he and Sydney were arguing, and make somethng up like they disagreed over who got what room, or somehtng like that.
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2009 11:20 am Post subject: |
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Okay, the poll is up. Sorry it took so long, I had a really annoying problem with college registration to sort out. The poll will run for about a week.
_________________
"My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released
Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice
(\__/)
(='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny
(")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination.
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Sat Aug 01, 2009 10:27 am Post subject: |
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The poll is now ended. Telling the gaurd the truth won. I'll have the new chapter up ASAP
_________________
"My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released
Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice
(\__/)
(='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny
(")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination.
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Wed Jan 06, 2010 4:34 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry I've been gone so long, I haven't had internet for about a month
_________________
"My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released
Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice
(\__/)
(='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny
(")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination.
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