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 Posted: Tue May 22, 2007 12:59 pm Post subject: AcDarchazhan: The Sword of Liontz~Chapter 3~ |
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I started to write this about 6 months ago, but I got stuck. I just found it lurking on my computer waiting to be continued. I hope you enjoy!
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Chapter 1: Farewell For Now, My Princess
With the full moon high in the night sky, the castle of Liontz was oddly quiet with the exception of only a few sounds. There were two screams but they happened at sundown. The only other sound was the captain of the guards Kajrom, sprinting to my bedroom before Sparthorne, the evil warlock who defied the royal family got to my side.
I knew Kajrom would see that my bedroom guards were dead. This was to a sign to turn anyone away that would want to save me. He burst through the door and ran over to the bed’s side where I lay. He lightly touched my shoulder to wake me up.
I opened my eyes and saw Kajrom’s terrified face. “Kajrom, what is going on?” I asked
“Princess Aldwynrun, you have to leave right now. Your life is in danger. I have your horse ready, she’s waiting outside,” Kajrom said quickly.
“No, I want an explanation right now,” I said getting out of bed.
Kajrom sighed. “Sparthorne killed your parents, right now as I speak, he’s on his way to get you,” he explained as I grabbed my hooded cloak.
“Fine then let’s go,” I said putting the cloak on over my nightgown. As both Kajrom and I made it to the doorway, something made us stop.
Saprthorne appeared in the doorway, blocking the two of us. “Hello princess,” he said walking up to me and putting his hand against my cheek.
“Don’t touch her!” Kajrom yelled hitting Sparthorne’s hand away.
Sparthorne grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me to his side. “I have something special planned for you, Aldwynrun,” he said into my ear.
“Whatever it is, it won’t work!” I yelled as I tried to pull myself out of Sparthorne’s grip.
Kajrom punched Sparthorne in the face to make him let go of me. When he did, Kajrom grabbed me and started running outside, but I turned to go into the throne room. “Princess, you need to leave right now!” he yelled running after me.
“Just let me grab something first!” I yelled running up to my father’s throne.
In the side of the throne was AcDarchazhan, The Sword of Liontz. The sword could only be wielded by the true ruler of Liontz. I took a deep breath as I pressed my hands against the sword. So far, there were no problems, the sword was accepting me as the rightful ruler. I groaned as I pulled the sword out of it’s sheath in the throne. “Kajrom, give me your cloak, quickly!” I yelled as I held the sword.
“You’re not taking AcDarchazhan with you are you? Only the true ruler can remove it from the throne,” Kajrom said taking his cloak off.
“Well apparently I am taking the sword with me, because I just removed it!” I yelled grabbing Kajrom’s cloak.
“And by morning, I’ll be holding AcDarchazhan,” Spathorne said appearing in the throne room. I turned around.
“You wish!” I yelled running towards Sparthorne with the sword. The warlock disappeared right before I could stab him. He reappeared right behind me and started to choke me.
Kajrom took a knife from his side and ran at Sparthorne to stab him, but the warlock repelled him with a spell. “Damn you to hell!” Kajrom yelled at Sparthorne.
“What a tragic night. The whole royal family plus the captain of the guards will be dead by morning,” the warlock said tightening his grip around my throat.
“You’ll never get away with this!” I gasped as I fell to my knees. AcDarchazhan felt heavy in my hands. As I was struggling to breathe, my eyes were driven to the ancient carvings on the blade: ento ni sa ento ni tome mi so biun asamo ka esta so muton. ”Hold me fast, hold me true. May I give strength to whom I choose,” I whispered as I read the carvings. Sparthorne loosened his grip around my throat.
“Yo-you can read the ancient text?” he asked half-scared.
I pulled myself out of Sparthorne’s grip and stood. I myself was surprised. Only the warlocks could read the ancient text. But yet, I could read the text carved in AcDarchazhan’s blade. I tried to hide the fact that I could read it. “Of course I can’t read it! You told me what it said years ago,” I said as I lunged at the warlock with the sword. I plunged the sword into Sparthorne’s shoulder. There was a bright blue light that filled the throne room.
Sparthorne looked at me surprised as I pulled the sword from his shoulder. When the light started to settle, I grabbed Kajrom’s arm and ran out the castle and into the moonlit grounds. I could still hear Sparthorne’s screams of pain and his yelling for the guards. I had to leave soon or I was going to be dead. “Kajrom, where’s Ion’edain?” I asked looking for my horse. Kajrom grabbed my hand and led me to the stables. When we arrived, Ion’edain, my horse was standing there waiting for me to mount her.
I mounted Ion’edain and put the sword in the saddle‘s sheath. Kajrom put his hand on mine and I looked down at him. We stared into each other’s eyes and I dismounted my horse. I put my hand on Kajrom’s cheek and our lips locked. We stayed there for a minute or two before a yell from Sparthorne broke us apart.
“Farewell for now, my princess,” Kajrom said as I got back on Ion’edain.
“Farewell, my love,” I said as I dug my heels into the horse’s side and galloped away from the castle. Only when I was safely at the edge of the enchanted forest did I look back. What I saw stunned me.
Kajrom was turning to go into the stable when Sparthorne was coming out into the night. Sparthorne grabbed one of the guards and took his crossbow. He had the crossbow aimed at Kajrom’s back. Sparthorne took the shot and the arrow hit Kajrom between the shoulder blades. As Kajrom fell to the ground, the warlock dropped the crossbow and walked back into the castle to tend to his wound. I wanted to scream for Kajrom, but I had to leave. I didn’t know if I should leave Kajrom to die, or to ride up to him and risk my life to take him with me.
Okay peeps, the princess needs you to decide. Ride away and leave Kajrom to die or ride back to the castle and put him on the horse and take him with her? It's your decision.
Last edited by Guest on Fri Jul 27, 2007 2:39 pm; edited 7 times in total
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Tue May 22, 2007 4:35 pm Post subject: |
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An action packed start there Harley.
A few pointers if I may.
When someone speaks, you should start a new line. eg:
| Quote: | | “Princess Aldwynrun, you have to leave right now. Your life is in danger. I have your horse ready, she’s waiting outside.” Kajrom said quickly. “No, I want an explanation right now.” I said getting out of bed. |
Should be:
“Princess Aldwynrun, you have to leave right now. Your life is in danger. I have your horse ready, she’s waiting outside.” Kajrom said quickly.
“No, I want an explanation right now.” I said getting out of bed.
Also you use a comma at the end of a speech sentence (unless you use something else of course) so again the sentences above would be:
“Princess Aldwynrun, you have to leave right now. Your life is in danger. I have your horse ready, she’s waiting outside,” Kajrom said quickly.
“No, I want an explanation right now,” I said getting out of bed.
The first few sentences read rather strangely too, as if it is being told as a tale, but then the tense and POV changes.
Ok, more on this later...
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| Posted: Tue May 22, 2007 6:54 pm Post subject: |
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| I fixed it the best I could so there ya go!
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 4:59 am Post subject: |
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Action from the start!
But dont rush too fast. Perhaps settle down a bit in the next chapter and give yourself a chance to fill in some background.
For the DP - if she takes him with her, it will slow her down, and we can maybe begin to learn more about why these events are taking place.
Good start, keep it up!
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| Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 5:39 pm Post subject: Chapter 2: Leaving Liontz |
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Chapter 2: Leaving Liontz
I wanted to scream and go back to Kajrom, but I couldn't because it would be too risky. I dug my heels into Ion'edain and took off into the forest.
Ion'edain didn't stop galloping until we reached a stream. I sighed as I dismounted her and I kneeled down beside the water. My mind was no longer blocking out the thoughts of what happened earlier. Sparthorne had taken so much from Liontz in one night. He had killed my parents, and he has now driven me away from my home. He also took Kajrom away and I left him to die. How could I? I put my head in my hands and began to cry.
As I was crying, I could hear Ion'edain whinny. At first, I thought she was just making noise. But as time passed, the whinnies and became louder. Somebody was near, I could feel their presence. As I lifted my head, I felt a hand grab my shoulder.
I brushed the hand off my shoulder as I stood up. I turned around and I saw what looked like a guard standing in front of me. He couldn't be a castle guard, I knew all of them. He must be a guard dispatched to one of the outlying villages. Though, he did look familiar.
"Who are you?" I asked, getting straight to the point.
"I should ask you the same. It's not safe to travel throught the forest at night," the man replied
"Why do I find it disturbing that you do not recognize the princess when you are looking straight at her?" I asked
"Oh, real funny. A traveler impersonating the princess," the man said with a slight laugh.
I narrowed my eyes at him and walked over to Ion'edain. I pulled AcDarchazhan out of the sheath. The sword was still dripping with Sparthorne's blood from when I stabbed him. I walked over to the man and pressed the blade of the sword against his throat.
"Do you know what sword this is?" I asked in an angered tone.
"That's the sword of Liontz," he said quietly. "Bu-but how did you get it?"
"Correct, then if you know the name, you know what will happen if none other than the true ruler of Liontz tries to weild it," I said.
"They will suffer painfully to their death," he said "I am sorry princess."
I took the blade away form his throat and I walked over to the stream. I took my cloak off with one hand while the other held AcDarchazhan. I wiped the blood from the blade and looked back at the man.
"Now that you know me, tell me your name," I said as I walked over to Ion'edain and dumped the blood out out of the sheath.
"My name is Khordor. My younger brother is a guard at the castle. His name is Kajrom, do you know him?" he asked.
I kept my back turned to Khordor as the tears welled up in my eyes. I had to tell him that Kajrom was shot in the back. I wiped my eyes and turned around.
"I knew him," I said as I put the sword back in the sheath.
"What do you mean you knew him?" Khordor asked with concern in his voice.
"Walk me through the forest, and I'll tell you," I said as I mounted Ion'edain and looked around. "Where's your horse?"
"I walked here," Khordor said as he took the bridle of my horse and started to lead us to through the forest. "Now tell me, is something wrong with Kajrom, why are you not at the castle, and why do you have the sword of Liontz in your posession?" he asked
"I'll start with your second question. Why am I not at the castle? I have been driven out of there," I said as I took a deep breath. "It all started earlier. I was walking back up to the castle when I heard voices in the stables. With eavesdropping being my biggest habit, I couldn't resist listening in. I heard the voice of the castle's warlock, Sparthorne and the newest guard, Zinthain."
"What was being said?" Khordor asked
"All I heard was Sparthorne telling Zinthain to spread a rumor throughout the guards," I said "If only I had been there earlier, I could have stopped tonight's events."
"That still doesn't answer my questions," Khordor pointed out
"I know I'm getting there. It took me until sundown to figure out why Sparthorne was talking to Zinthain. But by the time sundown came, it was too late. Sparthorne had killed my parents. It was apparent that Sparthorne was coming after me next. Supposedly, Kajrom had made the same connection that I had made. He came to my bedroom and warned me," I explained
"But let me guess, you were waiting for him," Khordor said
"No I wasn't. I was expecting it to be Sparthorne. Kajrom actually surprised me. Well, while kajrom was trying to get me out of the castle, I ran into the throne room and grabbed the sword. When Sparthorne showed up, I stabbed him. Kajrom then took me out to my horse and I ran off. I stopped at the edge of the forest to get one last look at the castle," I explained as I was fighting the tears that were trying to spill from eyes.
"Okay that's two questions answered. I take it then that my brother is safe?" Khordor asked
"No, when I looked back, I saw Sparthorne shoot Kajrom in the back with an arrow. Please forgive me for leaving him. He risked his life to save mine Khordor," I said as the tears fell my eyes.
I looked down at Khordor. He stopped walking. I dismounted Ion'edain and looked into his eyes.
“So my only brother is dead?” Khordor asked
I nodded and turned my head so I wouldn’t see the distress in Khordor’s eyes. He placed a hand on my cheek and turned my head towards him. We stood there for only a second and he pulled me into a hug.
“I promise you this Khordor, I will avenge Kajrom’s death. I will kill Sparthorne, and I will take my kingdom back. That is my vow,” I said as I clutched onto Khordor’s shoulder. I buried my face into his shoulder and cried.
We stayed there like that until sunrise. Only then did I lift my head. Khordor looked at me.
“Is there something wrong Princess?” he asked.
“Please call me by Aldwynrun. I have to go. I need to find the Curhinah, our allies. They will provide help for me and possibly figure out Sparthorne’s plan,” I said as I pulled myself from Khordor. “Please, do not follow me.”
“But Princ- Aldwynrun, it’s far too dangerous for you,” Khordor said as he grabbed onto my hand.
“I’m sorry, but I must do this alone,” I said as I pulled my hand out Khordor’s grip and mounted Ion’edain. “I will come back, I promise,” I said as I dug my heels into Ion’edain. She took off, leaving Khordor in the forest alone.
I passed many small villiages while Ion'edain galloped towards the edge of the kingdom. I wondered if they had recieved the news of the tragedy that had taken place the night before.
For once, I was grateful that the castle wasn't far from the edge of the kingdom. Ion'edain and I reached the edge of Liontz by the time the sun was in the West. I took one last look at my homeland as I stepped over into the enemy land of Rinana’han. I was now exhausted from lack of sleep. I lead Ion’edain over to a small rock cave. I tied her to a rock and I stepped in the small cave. It would have to do for now. I laid on the ground and fell asleep.
(((Does Khordor follow Aldwynrun and find her in the cave or does the guards of Rinana'han find her?)))
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| Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 6:34 pm Post subject: |
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| Nice chapter, a lot cleaner all around. I would say that Khordor should follow her.
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2007 3:07 pm Post subject: |
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Much better chapter! 
Slight niggle with the guard. He is a bit abrupt considering he is questioning a princess.
Anyway, yes, he follows her, just in time to help save her from brigands! 
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2007 9:02 pm Post subject: |
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This is good! This is a much better pace, too.
I just noticed on second reading, that on the DP for both chapters you have given just two options, almost forcing us to vote before we have thought about it.
I would like the opportunity to add more suggestions - perhaps a hermit wakes her from her sleep, wanting to know why she is sleeping in his cave. Who knows who he might be... someone inconsequential, maybe someone significant later on!
Whether the hermit helps her hide from the guards or not is up to you....
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| Posted: Sun Jun 17, 2007 5:01 pm Post subject: |
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| A hermit???
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Head Eater
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 5:11 am Post subject: |
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Thisssss sssssstory hasssss improved jussst enough. Enssssure it remainsssss ssssso, or I ssssshal return for your head.
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| Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 4:16 pm Post subject: |
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| i love the story so fare keep it up
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| Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 4:42 pm Post subject: |
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| You spelled far wrong Goddeus, he he ha ha
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Chinaren
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Player of Fates
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| Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 5:38 pm Post subject: |
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Warlocks, crossbows, runaway princesses, slain lovers and a magical sword. Fate loves this story, continue weaving it.
I will go for the unwanted choice, it is often there where something great happens.
This is a land of magic, yes? This princess needs a companion, not just any normal one, like our rude and boring guard. A more interesting travel partner that could provide this story with some wit and with some claws.
I vote for an animal to wake her, a being of magic taking form of a cat's or a wolf's body. The ability to talk would be an excellent addition and witty humor most definitely, maybe even a magical bunny that can grant wishes, who knows? Magic is limitless and it comes with puppet strings.
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| Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2007 8:28 am Post subject: |
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| Come on people vote!!!
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Lilith
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| Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 10:38 pm Post subject: |
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Voted, and it seems to be the only choice anyone has gone for...
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| Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 5:26 am Post subject: |
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*Looks at results of poll* Damn, this is surprising. I didn't know the animal option was so popular.
Note to self- Keep fuzzy animals to a minimum in this story
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ButterflyGirl
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| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 8:55 pm Post subject: |
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| I thought both chapters were great. I think the gaurd should follow the princess.
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dinranwen
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| Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 7:14 pm Post subject: |
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Not bad so far Harley, a little rough around the edges to be sure...but not bad for a start.
I'm looking foward to watching you improve through your writing.
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| Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 8:45 pm Post subject: |
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I want the furry animal. I want it now!
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| Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 2:37 pm Post subject: |
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((I know, I know. I have a good reason for why this is so late. RL has been a pain in the behind and I got stuck halfway through writing this))
Of wolf pups and sword fights
The little rest I was able to receive wasn't at all refreshing. The dreams caused me to relive the fight at the castle and they forced me to view Kajrom's death once again. It doesn't help either that something was nibbling on my foot.
Wait... nibbling? More of like a bite. I sat up quickly and looked down at my feet. A small gray wolf pup was in a defensive stance, baring it's small teeth at me. If I wasn't so tired, I would have laughed. The pup was cute yet funny.
I reached down and picked up the pup and held it up in front of me. I smiled when I looked at it.
"Unhand me human!" A voice called out. I looked around me. There was nobody or nothing else in the cave except for the pup and I.
"You surely can't be speaking to me, little pup. For animals can't speak," I said to the pup with a smile.
"Of course I'm speaking to you human. Now wipe that smile off your face and put me down!" It said. I dropped the pup and it fell into my lap. It ran off to a corner of the cave and resumed it's defensive stance.
I suppressed a giggle as I got up and started to walk out of the cave when I felt small teeth grasp my ankle. I sighed as I looked down. Sure enough, the small wolf was trying to bite off my foot. I picked up the pup again.
"I'm leaving your cave. I have to go and find food. I won't be here anymore. Just leave me alone, you have your cave back," I said. I put the pup back on the ground and walked out of the cave.
"Human, wait!" The pup called out. I turned around. “I want to join you. I have no mother or father. I need food.”
Upon hearing these words, I emptied out one of the saddlebags which contained very little in supplies. Apparently Kajrom thought I would need these. I picked up the little wolf pup and gently placed him inside the bag.
“No squirming or else I’ll leave you. My horse is already skittish.” I told the pup. I looked around and spotted a small village on the other side of the valley. I sighed as I got on Ion’edain and headed for the village.
“Hey, you alright?” I asked the pup. There was no answer. I opened the saddlebag and looked. The little pup must have went to sleep. I smiled once again.
Down a rocky slope and weaving through tall grass, I thought we would never make it to the small winding river which carved the valley into 2 halves. Fish was plentiful in the river and my stomach was growling. I opened up the saddlebag on the other side of Ion’edain.
“Please Kajrom, I hope you put money in here,” I quietly said to myself as I dug my hand deep into the bag. I felt a small leather pouch brush up against my hand and I grabbed it. As I pulling out the pouch, a small envelope fell out with it.
I dismounted Ion’edain and I bent low to pick up the envelope. The words that were written on the front was in Kajrom’s handwriting and simply said:
Open as soon as you find this
I was curious as to what was inside the envelope, but I couldn’t bring myself to opening it. It would prolong my pain and suffering for Kajrom. I put the envelope back in the bag and opened the pouch. Sure enough, he put money in there for me. I got back on Ion’edain and checked the wolf. It was still sleeping. Crossing the river posed no challenge for my horse, as it wasn’t very deep. Once it was crossed, I headed for the village.
The village was finally reached by evening. I rode through, with many residents looking my way. I hoped that they only accepted me as a traveler and not a princess. I stopped one the villagers.
“Excuse me sir, is there an inn here?” I asked kindly
“You be a traveler or a spy?” the man asked.
“I’m a traveler, sir,” I said in response to his question.
“Aye, there be one just down that way,” he said pointing to his right.
I nodded to show him that I understood. Taking the path where the man pointed, I passed what looked like a group of soldiers. About half of them were looking at me in a most peculiar way. One of the men actually came up and stopped my horse.
“Excuse me, but you look like your lost. May I be of some assistance?” he asked. I could smell the alcohol on his breath.
“No, I am finding my own way,“ I replied as I brushed him away. The drunken soldier stopped me again.
“Let me escort you then,” he said, grabbing the reins. I could see no way out of this.
“Fine, lead me to the inn,” I said with a sigh. The soldier winked at the group he was with and they started laughing. No doubt that he was going to try and start something with me.
In a short while, I dismounted Ion’edain and looked in the saddle bag. The wolf pup was waking up.
“Please stay here and keep quiet. I’ll get you later when I get food,” I whispered. The wolf nodded to show it understood me. I unbuckled AchDarchazhan’s sheath and buckled it to my waist.
The guard was too drunk to notice any of this and he opened the door for me. I walked inside and was about to go to the bar when I felt the guard’s hand on my lower back, heading down to my butt. I elbowed the guard in the face and knocked him onto the ground. I drew my sword and pressed the tip against his Adam’s apple.
“Try that again and your head will be cut off. That goes for the rest of you who think they can get me so easily!” I yelled to the room at large. Everybody turned to what they were doing previously without a word of protest.
As I walked up to the bar, I put AcDarchazhan in it’s sheath. Many people were staring at me for what I had just done. I sighed as I sat down at the bar.
“I want the strongest stuff you’ve got,” I told the barman.
“I take payment before I serve the drinks,” the barman told me.
I pulled out the leather pouch and handed him some of the coins, but he turned them away.
“We don’t take Liontz money,” He simply said
“Why?” I asked.
“Because it’s pretty useless here in Rinana’han,” he said as he wiped out a glass.
My face lost all color. I was in real trouble for I had unknowingly stepped into the enemy lands of Rinana’han. If the soldiers or guards found me, it could mean war between Rinana’han and Liontz.
“But what about a trade-off?” I asked.
“We don’t do any trade-offs with anyone from Liontz,”
“But I’m only a simple traveler,”
“Now you call yourself a simple traveler, but were you not the runaway princess?” a new voice asked.
I turned around. The door was open and standing in the doorway was another soldier, but this one wasn’t drunk like the group that I passed.
“Runaway princess? I don’t know what you were talking about,” I said , gripping the sword on my waist.
“If you didn’t know, what I was talking about, then why are you gripping your sword?” he asked as he drew his sword.
“Because I somehow knew you wouldn’t believe me and strike me down. Too, bad. You have to go through a fight to strike me,” I said as I drew AcDarchazhan. The people sitting at the tables separating the soldier and I quickly ran to the walls to keep from getting killed.
It seemed like an eternity. The guard and I standing there, swords drawn just staring into each other’s eyes. Thoughts were swimming through my head. How could they know I was the princess? Someone must have tipped them off, but who?
Suddenly, a glass broke behind me and the soldier ran at me, sword drawn and screaming his lungs out.
((DP is open to any suggestions))
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Player of Fates
Citizen
Joined: 27 Jun 2007
Topics: 6
Posts: 214
Location: Darkness
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
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| Posted: Sat Aug 11, 2007 12:12 pm Post subject: |
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Actually killing might not be the best option here. She's already wanted, she'll be ever more at risk if she's been charged with murder, of a soldier no doubt. She can either run and create a distraction or fight the soldier and knock him out, but it's only a matter of time before the inn dwellers rush to his aid.
Maybe the widdle diddle puppy has some magical abilities besides talking.
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Vampires just got a whole lot Hotter
The Business
The fine print can kill you.
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