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NeverNeverGirl
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 Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 10:57 pm Post subject: Enigma - Blood Debt - Chapter 3. POLL UP! 11/05/08 |
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SOME LANGUAGE AND ADULT CONTENT...
Prologue
This is the story of Calder Wright and his people, a story of a mighty war, of intolerance, oppression and last and by far the most, this is the story of one mans struggle to find love in an unbalanced reality.
It is a story of his Shakespearean existence, his battle to gain the heart of the woman he loved, two mighty worlds clashing together in an effort to twine within the arms of each other. To rest, spent, limbs tangled in a heap, is that which Calder Wright seeks. Fighting the good fight while covered in the dirt of the not-so good or misguided, he will battle mighty foes and walk away victorious and scathed.
Most widely recognised is the fact that the deepest blows are those which lay waste to the psyche, the rending cuts that leave the handful of flesh in our chests, that which poses as a vestibule of emotion, a mass of lumpy scar tissue. They are those fell blows which bow a mans shoulders and hang his head, they are the shadows in his eyes that haunt the memory of all those that dared to venture into their steely depths.
This is a story of laughter - bitter, scornful, outraged and, at times, blissfully giddy. An unstoppable whirlwind of emotions which will drag Calder Wright to the extremes of deepest despair, desperation and depression and to then ascend to the summits of joy, delight and frivolity.
A story of a world in which many peoples reside in blissful ignorance, believing themselves to be complete, their existences meaningful and worthwhile. The futility of the aforementioned belief being known only to a select few - the jaded and faded, the broken and delirious, those few whom see the world for what it is. Depths unknown and unplumbed, shadows unmeasured and lands uncharted. The few that acknowledge the emptiness of existence, the malcontent that yearn for more yet struggle to find it while caught up in the mundanity of their reality.
There will be players that reside close to the ignorant, unbeknownst to those who can only but dream of such adventures as such as these will undertake. The contrast could be no greater than that which exists between rock and water, a harsh divide that bares no merging between the two; no shades of grey yet still managing to blur the line of difference until one can no longer tell where one starts and the other finishes.
The story to come will only further highlight to the multitudes the lack of that for which their souls yearn, it shall leave them with only a void of questions wondering at what may have been if they had only been born at a different time, in a different place, amongst different people.
An epic struggle shall ensue in the pages following, no deus ex machina will ascend from the heavens and spare Calder Wright from his doom, the fates shall not smile on him and he shall find no sweet release or surcease from pain in the cradle of eternal sleep.
Neither will he ever know the arms of the one woman who holds him dear, who would cradle his heart in her hands with gentle esteem and would complete his quest for love. Nor will he ever love her in return, as in the harsh reality of a cold grey word she holds no place in his heart, unremarked upon, unnoticed, nary even a by-line in his thoughts – she whom he shall never see with love filled eyes, whose hand he will never hold, who will never fulfil her dreams of touching his locks of hair with a gentle smile on her face – his perfect half, his other self, his twinned soul shall be a woman he never knows or cares to. Being no ravishing beauty she will slip through his world without a ripple, ordinary and plain, kind and even tempered, unlooked for and undesired by he whom she covets.
This is a story of a journey, of an awakening, of a man set in his ways and the twists and turns of his journey towards his oblivion.
I am Calder Wright.
_________________
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Last edited by NeverNeverGirl on Sun May 11, 2008 1:21 am; edited 14 times in total
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 10:59 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter 1. Mergence
Sitting in the dark gloom of the bar Calder Wright drank. He consumed alcohol at such a rate that he could no longer taste it and it was all he could do to raise his glass to his mouth. Lurching to his feet, toppling his bar stool and stumbling blindly he made his way to the john.
The wooden door was slimy to the touch, squeaking ferociously on its hinges as Calder pushed it open. The bright fluorescent light hanging from the ceiling did nothing to the décor of the room beyond. Far from being complimentary it only further highlighted the inadequacies of the plumbing, the white tiles were cracked and in some places missing altogether, the grout black with dirt and scum, the sink was lined with a sludge that stank of nothing so much as some ones mistaken attempt to use it for a toilet bowl. Calder only just got his fly undone before the urine started to stream forth into the mouldy and tarnished urinal. He watched as a stream of piss snaked its way towards the drain and caught a spider by surprise sending it hurtling into the depths of the plumbing.
Calder looked down to find his shoes covered in urine, only dimly noticing that the urinals drain was disconnected and ran straight out to the floor. Using one arm to prop himself up over the toilet he pulled out a cigarette with the other, dropping the whole pack in the process. He lit it with a shaky hand and a two dollar lighter that barely made a flame, inhaling quickly Calder knew the moment of peace that always echoed his first drag. The chemical reaction with his brain was nearly instantaneous and he got a head spin, no matter how much he smoked (and he was averaging 10 packets a day) the first breath was always the same.
Engulfing him in its spell the cigarette began to burn down as he took quick drag after drag in an effort to regain control over his senses.
The door to the bathroom banged open and a haze of perfume preceded the entry of one of the young floozies that thought ‘slumming’ it was the new black. Dressed in midnight blue stilettos and a purple sequined mini dress, the girl halted momentarily on spotting Calder then smiled at him drunkenly.
‘The ladies is full and I can’t wait.’
She advanced towards the stall and upon finding the door propped against the wall, fallen from its hinges, she turned and spoke again.
‘Now promise me you will close your eyes like a gentleman so that I can use this, okay?’
Calder could barely nod but must have given an adequate enough response to the affirmative, as she quickly pulled her panties down around her ankles and squatted over the bowl. As she hovered above the seat going about her business she looked at Calder again. She smiled when she realised that he hadn’t averted his eyes at all and was currently staring at her in a drunken stupor, the state of his sobriety or lack thereof, obvious from the way he gently swayed where he stood shoulder against the wall, chain-smoking.
He watched as she unrolled two feet off the toilet paper before she tore off a piece to wipe herself. The deft swipe she used to clean herself up was something Calder had never witnessed before and it wasn’t at all erotic but interesting.
Upon looking down the girl found her panties had slipped past her ankles and fallen into the raw sewerage seeping across the bathroom floor. She stepped out of them and stood, adjusting her clothing as she did so.
The combination of the alcohol, drugs and his 5th cigarette seemed to lend Calders eyes a new ability. Every minute detail of her actions seemed to be slowed down into stop action frames and burnt itself into his mind. He watched as she approached the sink, eyeing its contents warily and then deciding better of it. She preened in front of the mirror, reapplying her red lipstick and touching up her eyes, Calder watched in silence, drinking in everything.
The 9th cigarette, in as many minutes, saw her reach a hand down into the front of her dress and begin to pluck at her chest, she deftly maneuvered her breasts until they fully filled out the front of her dress and took on a much perkier appearance. He nodded appreciatively as she checked herself over and it was only then that she seemingly remembered his presence.
‘Those college boys out there, they ain’t nothing but frat boys, a girl gets tired of all the horseplay.’ She pulled a comb from her bag and began to fix her hair, Calder watched, mesmerised by the brush strokes.
‘They think that a girl just needs to get a bit of them between her thighs and she will be all quivering. I tell you now, the amount of times I’ve had to go back into a stall and finish up – well it definitely ain’t a number you can count to easily.’ She caught Calder’s eye in the reflection of the mirror, her blue eyes appraising him and a smile coming to her lips.
Calder stood transfixed by her mouth, the way she spoke, the way her tongue darted quickly between her teeth, the way she smiled so softly, all bought his blood to a boil.
‘I’m so sick of things half-done, you know? I am trying to find me something that will fill my needs – wanna know what I was going to do tonight?’
She watched Calder as he nodded slowly, unable to trust his own mouth to speak, so thick was it with the results of the evening so far. She smiled broadly and turned to face him, placing her hands either side of her on the basin and leaning back against the mirror.
Calder grew aware of a sudden increase in heart rate, the temperature in the room seemed to rise and he pulled at his collar, swallowing the rising sick in his throat hastily and not wanting to ruin the sense of anticipation, he made a gallant effort towards getting his shit together.
‘There’s a girl out there named Lacey, you might have seen her, she’s wearing a pair of tight fitting blue jeans. She has the biggest breasts I ever seen, well Lacey, she is my cousins friend and he thinks he is gonna take her up to Johannsens’ peak and do it with her.
Well me, I have other plans for Lacey. I am gonna take her to my place to freshen up in the shower, there I will help her to lather up and hopefully get to take those great big nipples between my teeth and push two fingers up inside her. You see, Mister, I am gonna taste me some pussy tonight and damn if it won’t be fine.’
Calder felt his arousal pushing more and more firmly against his zipper and quickly dug out another cigarette.
‘Now see, I knew a gentlemen such as yourself would appreciate my ideas.’ She looked blatantly at his erection and Calder struggled with his inner demons.
Approaching him she placed her hand on his crutch and smiled gently. Stroking across the front of his pants she reached her other hand up to trail lightly across his pock marked check, the five o’clock shadow gently caressing her palm.
‘Hey Mister, wanna fuck?’
_________________
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Last edited by NeverNeverGirl on Mon Apr 21, 2008 2:53 am; edited 4 times in total
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| Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 11:24 pm Post subject: |
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Yes!
Er, that was the DP wasn't it?
Anyway, great opening chapter Nenners, enjoyed it muchly.
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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i guess that it was lol.. though i was hoping we might make a call based on more than just Rens ah, um, well you know...
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| Posted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:03 am Post subject: |
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She's just toying with him...she's gonna take him all the way to third base then strand him there. Probably walk out laughing at the expression on his face...
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| Posted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:36 am Post subject: |
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The Dark liked this.
The man should take the woman in the filth of the toilet.
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| Posted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 1:54 am Post subject: |
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She walks out of the toilet and he follows her to... Uh, well that's your call, Ne!
A good style, and an entertaining read.
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| Posted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 5:52 am Post subject: |
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just to be shockingly different from the norm, I say, toy with her. Get her nearly ready to burst, then pretend that his cell phone rings and walk out, leaving her there to either finish up herself, or just be really pissy about the whole thing. She can always go get it on with lacey to fulfill her needs later.
As crunchy said, great style nene. Love the vivid descriptions. Can't wait for another chappy.
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 6:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Vote now POLL UP!
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 6:06 pm Post subject: chapter 2. |
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Warning: this has adult content and minor swearing....
chapter 2.
Calder placed his hand in the small of the girls back and pulled her tightly into his body. The sequins on her dress pushed sharply through his shirt and into his skin, the pinching pain was not unwelcome and he forcibly pushed her backwards into the bench. He flicked his cigarette into the basin and exhaled a plume of smoke into the air above her head.
Calder watched as the thick tendrils of smoke wafted upwards towards the roof and slowly disapated into nothingness. The putrid tobacco yellow of the ceiling was scarred with the ravines of paint now worn away, flaking and sagging with mildew. Droplets of water splashed down onto the floor, their dripping reverberating throughout the room in a staccato rythm. The room seemed to hush itself in preparation, the only sound the echoing drips.
Grabbing a fistful of her hair he inhaled deeply and found himself drowning in cinnamon. Her blonde curls tickled against his cheek, the warmth of her breath on his neck spoke to him of the promises of her flesh.
Using his left hand he deftly unzippered the back of her dress while the other hand held her rigid against him. He could feel her grow tense as he peeled the dress down her body until she stood before him in only her heels. The surprise of her naked breasts made him inhale sharply and she looked up at him with a cat like expression of sexuality. Her fleshy thighs accentuated her womanly aspect, the hair there wild, curled and untamed in comparison to the rest of her finessed presentation.
The golden tones of her flesh contrasted with the tawny off-whites of the bathroom and she looked to Calder like nothing so much as some sort of divine creature sent in order to seduce him and steal the little he had left of his soul. He smiled inwardly at the thought of an angel being in a place like this and took her by both shoulders. Turning her to face the cracked mirror over the basin he met her eyes in their reflection.
Using one hand to unzipper, he pushed her forwards and pulled her hair back out of her face. Taking her from behind he watched her in the mirror as he penetrated deep inside of her.
Calder lit a cigarette as he watched the look on her face. Nothing could have prepared her for the moment he entered her to his fullest.
She gasped and squirmed, the inital look of pain being fleetingly replaced by curiousity and finally settling into lines of lust. Squirming onto him she slid herself backwards and forwards along his length, his hand in her hair keeping her rythmn painfully slow, while he casually smoked and watched in the mirror.
Reaching forward he grabbed her face and turned her head to look him directly in the eyes. She met them boldly and her hands reached backwards to grasp him roughly. He licked the side of her face and began to knead her breasts, taking her faster from behind, feeling her muscles clench around the length of him. Just as he felt her start to tighten and her eyes began to loll in preparation for hitting her peak, he withdrew himself from her and backed away.
She turned quickly, scrabbling to reach out for him, her feet tangling in her dress and sending her hurtling to the bathroom floor. The filth and muck on the tiles covered her and seeing him zip up his fly she gasped, reaching out to him imploring with eyes and hands.
No heavenly creature now so much as a succubus from hell's fiery pits. This thought turned him on more than the first.
‘Wait, come back. Please.’
Calder halted, his hand on the bathroom door, he looked back over his shoulder at her and shook his head sadly. Brown eyes filled with pity.
‘Not tonight, sweet.’
She pulled herself to her knees, the sopping mess trickling over her skin, causing her to shiver at its tickling lovers caress. The bedraggled creature before him was somehow a lot more erotic than the made up, well polished vixen she had been previously. He cast a last glance over her, appraising her and storing it away for later contemplation.
One leg was awkwardly under her body, the other folded in a less uncomfortable position. Her blonde locks were lank and covered in the thick black grime of the floor, her face various shades of slime green with brown faecal matter thrown in for good measure. Her pert breasts were covered in a fine film of the filth and her heels were tangled in her dress.
He turned and without a backwards glance returned to the flickering neon of the bar.
‘But Mister, Don’t you want to know my name?’
As the door slammed shut in her face she lay back on the floor, her face flushed and her eyes full of the emotion known only by the truly frustrated. Moments before she slipped her fingers between her legs she muttered something softly under breath.
‘Candy, the names Candy.’
Calder walked out into the hazy dimness of the bar, the girls friends had left, probably had grown impatient with waiting for her. He grabbed his jacket off his chair and slinging it over his shoulder, nodded to the barman and strode out into the glaring brigthness of the neon lit night.
He entered a nearby alleyway, paused and lit a cigarette quickly. He was about to enter the murky shadows of the alleys dead end when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
Calder glanced behind him, moving with a fluid grace belied by his previous drunken staggering.
‘Oh its you. What do you want?’
The figure was shrouded in shadows and only the eyes burnt bright enough to see in the darkness. The bright orange pupils shone with a maliciousness unhuman and the voice that echoed forth was almost reptilian.
‘Must be a curse that, Calder Wright.’
Laughing softly under his breath Calder took a drag of his smoke and putting one hand in his pocket began to search them.
‘No hands in pockets, Calder Wright, you knows the rules.’ The figure took a step back and crossed its arms in front of itself protectivly. An aura of purple blossomed around it and the being visibly relaxed.
‘Since when do Guardians need to shield themselves anyways?’ Calder removed his hand from his pocket and put the newly accquired flask to his lips. He took a long draught then stowed it away again.
‘Since the Ways have become mired with the likes of the Afani, Calder Wright. Let us talk first, though, of payments.’
Calder shot the figure a filthy look.
‘Atryai what the hell do i need to pay for? I owe no man nothing.’
???Well what next...
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Last edited by NeverNeverGirl on Mon Apr 21, 2008 3:33 am; edited 2 times in total
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Mephistopheles
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 3:34 am Post subject: |
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cool! another chappy!
Okay, so, is this Atryia guy a demon or fleshly servant? either way, I think that he threatens Calder, and Calder destroys him utterly, leaving him in a little pile that is unrecognizable to anyone.
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 12:58 pm Post subject: |
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Intersting, truely. Though I don't know what to make of Candy. Should be interesting to see if she comes back.
For the DP, I think the Guardian should become rather annoyed that Calder doesn't remember the debt he owes and goes into a long story of why he does.
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 4:17 pm Post subject: |
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I'm liking Kira's idea, and I think Candy should be something more than a sex toy. Perhaps some demon or dastradly figure with a role to play. Also, I know a girl named Candy 
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| Posted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 5:24 am Post subject: |
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Nice one Nenners. Sorry it's taken so long to catch up.
Lovely bathroom scene there. Nicely done indeed.
Let's see, it's not his debt, as such, it's one his grandfather incurred, and in the Guardian's rulebook, that debt passes down the bloodline until repaid.
What the debt is though, we don't know. Mainly 'cos I can't think of one. 
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 12:16 am Post subject: |
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alright IFians - jump on board - you owe me! How often do i read all your crap? i mean um great SGs?
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| Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 3:20 pm Post subject: |
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I liked it. He is such a tease. I really like the imagery provide and the detail of the environment as things go on.
As for what I saw should happen. The figure nearly kills him. IE "Payment" But not right away. basically, he tries to pass it off, Like, I'm drunk, I just got laid, and I don't want to deal with your crap right now. And then the Figure just, says a few more lines, and then BAM! Knife in the back!
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 2:38 am Post subject: |
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Okay i didnt realise the poll wasnt up! there are some really great options here tha will take things in great and different directions!
Vote on my darlings!
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| Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 11:43 am Post subject: |
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OK, I've finally caught up. Don't worry Ne, I'm aware of the warning and everything and it was my decision to read it. Now that we got the legal part off...
Yes, indeed a great bathroom scene. And that demon in the end really feels like a pain in the butt. Let's see what happens next...
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| Posted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 8:41 pm Post subject: |
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get your votes in now !
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| Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 10:41 pm Post subject: |
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| This isn't really my kind of thing but I thought I'd look in... the reptilian looks intriguing, so I might stick around for more. ...and voted!
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 1:01 am Post subject: |
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a blood debt it is! woot! and a mystery blood debt - thats double woot worthy!
stay tuned!
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 8:45 pm Post subject: Blood Debt |
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This chapter has swearing.
Chapter 3.
The wet pavement of the alleyway, its gutters lined with trash and streching away into the shadows of an unknown ending, reflected the neon lights from the main street. Partial colours, vivid greens, yellows and lurid reds danced upon the sidewalks. Calder had the feeling of being on acid in a carnival fun house and he quite liked it.
Calder patted down his pockets, searching for the packet of cigarettes he knew was there somewhere. Finding them, after what seemed like an eternity, he turned towards Atryai, a look of disdain written on his features.
‘Now, what is it you think that I owe you?’ Calder was definitely curious as to what he could possibly owe the Guardians. The pathways had been open to him as long as he could remember – it had never been necessary for him to use the Passages.
Calder flicked open the packet of cigarettes and with a gentle tap on the bottom of the packet, one slid up. Raising it to his lips he bit down and pulled it out, another flick of his wrist produced a lighter and he inhaled deeply. Savoring the flavour.
‘Disgusting habits you take with you from this dimension, Calder Wright.’ Atryai moved closer to him and Calder took a step forwards as well. His instinct to step back warring with, and losing to, his pride.
‘Enough horseshit, Guardian. What the hell do you want?’
Atryai froze, the air around him shimmering slightly as he spoke again. Calder tensed - his hand reaching automatically for where his Cap-stick should be.
‘Evanrude Wright, father of Calder Wright, owes payment for....’
Calder cut the Guardian short.
‘The Ol'’ Man?’ Calder snorted derisively. ‘It ain’t nothing on me, what he got up too.’
‘On the other hand, Calder Wright, it is every bit on you.’ Atryai spoke in a low descant, the words reaching Calder as a hissing whisper. It could only mean one thing and it didn't bother Calder a little bit.
His Father had always been a dispicible bastard, he thought to himself, may he rot in Hell.
A haze of purple filled the air and the orange eyes of the Guardian flashed dangerously. Never did they look more reptilian than when at war.
‘Fuck you, Lizard.’ Raking a hand through his hair Calder turned to leave.
Making his way back down the alley he paused only long enough to stow away his cigarette packet. He looked down at his feet, noting that he had paused in a puddle and water was seeping into his shoes rather rapidly. He hastily stepped out and watched the water resettle. There a pink neon light flickering in the pool, an echoing voice of his own ignored machismo, was the word 'pussy'.
As he contemplated the proprietary of the word, the space surrounding Calder shimmered and was suddenly filled with Guardians. Innumerable and all in dark hooded robes, striking poses of utmost menace. As one they threw off their hoods and Calder was glad it wasn’t the first time he had seen them unmasked.
The lime green skin, contrasting sickly with the orange eyes, was speckled with violet freckles. The face shaped like a snakes with a long sinuous neck, disappeared into an almost childish red jump suit. Each limb was seamed by a line of bright yellow feathers about an inch long that were used to gauge environmental resistance to movement and made them virtually unstoppable as fighters.
Calders' drink addled mind convulsed at the sight, his head spinning momentarily as he righted himself against the alley wall. No such natural resistance as he possessed, could completely annihilate drunkeness and if anything, delaying it only made the short term sobriety end a lot more swiftly.
If anything the effect of the Guardians was much like a neon paint factory had exploded onto a race of reptilian people. Not good to be looking at if you can barely keep what little dinner you had down.
Calder had only ever had one rule - he had made it a point to never cross the Guardians and there was a great reason for it.
Watching them all fly towards him, reptilian missiles of pain, he was acutely aware that he was now seeing what he had been avoiding for millennia. The Guardians did not fail and at the event of this very rare occurence - they simply came back again and again, immortal and ageless mercenaries.
Calder just had time to put out his cigarette before they attacked. They came at him as one, each moving in sync with the others, yet fighting independently.
A flurry of limbs dripping poison from hooked talons, moved towards him all the feathers on their limbs bristling outwards – Calder hit the ground and rolled. It was a momentary decision, based on nothing so much as a blind hope it may work... and it did.
Ending up on his feet just beyond the Guardians - Calder beat a hasty retreat, he ran as fast as he had ever known how to, his legs pumping, the adrenalin lending speed to his limbs. Calder went to fly around the corner, in the opposite direction to which he had come, when he noticed a nice dark convenient doorway standing open. He slipped in and shut the door behind him silently.
Turning to peer into the dim room, he could make out the shadows of what appeared to be a vacant and derelict night club. Moving forward slowly, trying to adjust his night vision, he managed to bump into something anyway. Something which quickly evolved into someone.
‘What the Fuck was that?’ Candy’s voice echoed crisp and clear through the night air. Calder tried to put his hand over her mouth to silence her nasal twang but it was too late. The door flew open and in poured the Guardians.
‘Holy mother f.....’
Grabbing hold of Candy’s arm and shoving his jacket over her head, Calder summoned every last remaining ounce of strength and slipped between.
He pulled Candy quickly through into the peaceful 5th realm before pushing her upwards into the desolate plains of the 23rd.
Miles of red sand stretched in each direction the sun blinding him with every movement of his head. The landscape here was harsh and with no destination in mind, all of his strength long gone, Calder pushed again.
The searing pain of an aurora borealis scorched his eyes, even when they were closed and he felt every fibre of his being torn apart and reformed. His face contorted strangely and his eyes bulged in their sockets until he was forced to let go of Candy’s arm and push them back in. His face was raw and he could feel his clothes flapping around him in shreds.
With millions of tiny barbs of poison stabbing his flesh, Calder managed to push his cigarette packet into Candy’s hand before he melted into an almost gelatinous mound of quivering man-flesh.
‘Its a necessary habit...’
* * * *
He awoke later in a strange place, time unknown, to find himself alone. Candy was gone and there were no footsteps in sight. On each horizon shone a city, one black and the other red and a whole lot of jungle in between.
Where on the earths had he wound up and where the hell was that bitch?[/b]
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Last edited by NeverNeverGirl on Mon Apr 21, 2008 4:33 am; edited 1 time in total
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 5:05 am Post subject: |
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Mmm. This looks familiar somehow. Must be my imagination, there's no way I've ever seen this before.
Anyway, radical change of direction Ms. Nenny.
Where is he now?
I'm seeing a baking desert. I'm seeing red sand and a sky of flame stretching in all directions as far as the eye can see. I'm seeing a small hut on the edge of his vision, the only thing visible. What's inside? I'll let you decide that.
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CunningFox
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| Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 5:18 am Post subject: |
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Im glad I cought this one whilst its still in the early stages. Especially liked the first two chatpers, jury's still out on the third, but it was well written.
He finds himself in the womans bedroom. But the husband is there! 
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 4:27 am Post subject: |
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Wow, beautiful story Ne.
The prologue alone sent me into a dreamscape. I had to sleep such a concentrated chapter off to continue with the ones after. There is so much in there that it felt as though you are connected with a higher force. A modern day troubadour. It stirred up a many great things in me gullywuts and me razoodock.
Where this story is heading is very interesting and exciting. The descriptions are very intense as they hit on a spiritual and cerebral plane at the same time.
And some Ifians wonder how i can jones for you. *shakes his head looking up thinking.... then looks around quickly and realizes where he is* Oh yes! *clears throat* Now, on to my crit!
*begins doing HavePencilWillTravel™-style crit*
my correction/suggestions are in green
what you wrote is in indigo
---------------------------------------------------------
Prologue
---------------------------------------------------------
| Ne wrote: | | The contrast could be no greater than that which exists between rock and water, a harsh divide that bears no merging between the two, no shades of grey yet still managing to blur the line of difference until one can no longer tell where one starts and the other finishes. |
maybe should read more with a semi-colon
| Sir wrote: | | The contrast could be no greater than that which exists between rock and water, a harsh divide that bares no merging between the two; no shades of grey yet still managing to blur the line of difference until one can no longer tell where one starts and the other finishes. |
Maybe it's just me but i feel it would flow better this way. I also got very strong mental images of a boulder ridden beach, and how that sea laps on the great mountainous rocks. But i hesitate to suggest putting it in there as it is up to the reader to find these images at times. In the end, however, it is up to you. That and fix 'bears'.
---------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 1
---------------------------------------------------------
5th paragraph
| Ne wrote: | | ...‘slumming’ it was the new black. Dressed in black stilettos... |
Maybe one of these 'blacks' can be substituted. I suggest the latter as the heels could be any number of cheap dark fabric.
-------------------------------
10th paragraph if you count the single lines of dialogue as paragraphs, which i do.
| Ne wrote: | | ...unrolled several feet off the toilet paper |
i think a foot or two would suffice, 'several' is pushing it when your descriptions are all on point and very vivid.
-------------------------------
small errors:
3rd paragraph
| Ne wrote: | | ...his shoes covered in urine, only barely noticing that the urinals drain was disconnected... |
13th paragraph if you count the single lines of dialogue as paragraphs
| Ne wrote: | | she deftly maneuvered her breasts. |
15th paragraph
| Ne wrote: | | ...– well it definitely ain’t a number you can count too easily.' |
-------------------------------
| Ne wrote: | | ...unable to trust his own mouth to speak, so thick was it with the effects of the evening so far. |
You used this word three times in this chapter, in paragraphs 9th, 12th and 17th. I didn't notice too much the second time it was written, but by the third time it had caught my attention. Swap one of them out, possibly the one in the 12th, and it will work nicely i believe. Or just choose one to use and swap the other two.
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Chapter 2
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2nd paragraph
| Ne wrote: | | The white ceiling was scarred with ravines of worn away paint and there were parts of the ceiling that were sagging with mildew. |
Two words. I'd also like to say i never saw, based on your previous chapter, the ceiling as a 'white' color. I saw it as more of a tobacco stain wall that because of the florescent light, had a greenish or blueish tint. But that could be because i think of everything in film terms and florescent lighting has that tint on celluloid.
--------------------------------
4th paragraph
| Ne wrote: | | ...only her panties and heels... |
Part of what i loved about the first chappy was the description of her leaving her panties on the sewage soaked floor after she took a piss. Yet, in this chapter she has them on again? Besides that, it's better if she would only be in heels. More to play with there for a writer like the shape of how she's shaved, if shaved at all and whatnot. Good stuff. So you'll have to go through the first part of this chapter and take out the part where her panties are in, which is only the first 10 paragraphs i believe. The thing that actually sends her falling to the floor, but you can easily tangle her heel in the dress to make that happen.
--------------------------------
5th paragraph
| Ne wrote: | | ...The golden tones of her flesh contrasted with the whites of the bathroom and she looked to Calder like nothing so much as angel... |
Again, the whites in the bathroom seem to contradict some of the imagery that i believe you used in the first chapter. So maybe this might work a little better:
| Sir wrote: | | ...The golden tones of her flesh contrasted with the off white of the bathroom tiles and she looked to Calder like nothing so much as a heavenly creature. |
This way you still get the gold and white that i believe you were wanting to portray the 'angel' aspect, but also substituting 'angel' as it is used in the succeeding sentence.
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Chapter 3
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7th paragraph
| Ne wrote: | | ‘Ivanrude Wright, father of Calder Wright, owes payment for....’ |
Or even 'Evanrude' would work. 'Evenrude' made me think that the Guardian was saying that Calder was 'even' being 'rude'.
---------------------------------
17th paragraph
| Ne wrote: | | No such natural resistance could completely annihilate drunkeness and if anything |
This one had me hung up. I only speculate that you meant 'such' instead. Because you are such a poet, i believed that you meant 'No much' for a while. If anyone can though, it would be you. 
----------------------------------
20th paragraph
| Ne wrote: | | The Guardians did not fail and, if they did they simply came back again and again, immortal and ageless mercenaries. |
This is just me, but i don't like the way this is worded. You are so talented with your almost lyrical style, i know you can find another way of saying this without the two 'they's a word apart.
---------------------------------------------------------
Overall
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One thing i wish is that you could spend one small or mid-sized paragraph in the beginning to descriptively remind us where we are in this world. (i.e. the bathroom and the alley.) Just a short one to remind us of your style and to take us away to where you want us to be.
-------------------------------------- End of Crit --------------------------------------
I enjoy this story profusely and i am curious to where it goes. Thank you for asking me to read it, the pleasure was all mine. Keep rhapsodically prosing like you have been in each chapter and you could publish this... in a good way.
I very much enjoyed the level of reality, mixed with fictional circumstances. One realistic description that i identified with because i've seen it happen many times with me was this one:
| Ne wrote: | | She gasped and squirmed, the initial look of pain being fleetingly replaced by curiosity and finally settling into lines of lust. Squirming backwards into him she slid herself backwards and forwards along his length, while he casually smoked and watched their reflection in the mirror. |
All except the smoking part, that usually comes afterwards. Just kidding... it's only happened a couple times and i remember those times; you've described them here v e r y...... *searches for right word* mmmm, faithfully true.
Though i hate to compare this story with anything in existence so far, it reminds me of neo-noir films (Sin-City, Blue Velvet), with a character similar to the main one in "No Country For Old Men" but still not quite.
This character seems to me very marred in his abilities, the Guardian seems to comment on it as well, so i wouldn't call Calder a tease necessarily. Very good way to hint at it. I don't believe that part of the character is told or shown from what i read so far, but maybe i am looking too far into it.
All in all, it was very graphic and lovely because of it. I want to make it a movie-film. You have a gift, so keep it up. Keep with the pacing and don't reveal too much too quickly, part of the charm of this story is the casual and descriptive way it dives into this world. And i believe that is what CunningFox might be talking about the jury, as in the third the pacing changes, which is fine, but the scintillating detail was lessened a bit. Can't wait to see what happens next. I shall count the days.
Sincerely,
SirWaxaLot
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Last edited by sir wax on Wed Apr 16, 2008 4:32 am; edited 2 times in total
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 1:53 pm Post subject: |
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Wax.
Thank you.
You seemed to hav picked up on the feel of this peice perfectly . You are right abotu the colours - i just couldn't pull them from my mind into the words.
I shall rework the passages and PM them to you if that is ok.
NOTE TO EVERYONE: Due to some messed up stuff my computer doesnt have a spellchecker - thats why the little things passed me by.
I will discuss this with you face to face okay?
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 4:02 pm Post subject: |
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No problem Ne... you can PM me anytime, anyday.
Sincerely,
SirWaxaLot
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 4:35 am Post subject: |
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Okay for anyone thats interested some reworks have been done! much thanks to Wax and gallant for their input!
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| Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 5:14 am Post subject: |
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Read the third chapter for the first time, and I found it to be enjoyable.
I think its an illusion. He's actually in a small room, a maze of some sort, but what he is seeing, feeling, is either projected on his environment, or projected in his mind.
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 2:36 pm Post subject: |
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| Crunchyfrog wrote: | Read the third chapter for the first time, and I found it to be enjoyable.
I think its an illusion. He's actually in a small room, a maze of some sort, but what he is seeing, feeling, is either projected on his environment, or projected in his mind. |
WOW!
i just love what i could do with that. That has sooo much potential = thank god for green frog mayors!
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 6:18 am Post subject: |
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Amazingly, despite my well documented delight in any seemingly magical events in chapters, I did prefer the first couple of chapters more than the most recent.
Not through any great mistake of your own, I don't think. But more, as Waxy mentioned, the change of pace the chapter demanded, forcing you to spend less time on the great descriptions you flowed through from the beginning.
You know my opinion on DP's involving plots, rather than actions, and I'm sad to see Chapter 3 is another one. But I won't labour this point. You have been getting good ideas from your players, so I'm sure it won't harm your story.
Whilst I don't yet feel I've been given everything promised in that most poetic of introductions, it is making good inroads for so early in the story, and despite the immodesty of it, I don't think you'll fall far short by the end.
Waxy has done his usual excellent job of the critique, so there's no need for me to repeat him. It's very good writing, in a detailed and gritty world. Slow it down a little, back to the pace of Chapter 2, and give us a DP like at the end of Chapter 1 (an action!) and you'll have a very happy Smee-player.
Happy Writing.
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 1:22 am Post subject: |
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Vote now!
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 2:21 pm Post subject: |
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Poll closes today get in your votes now!
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 1:44 am Post subject: |
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break my tie? come on...
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 7:49 pm Post subject: |
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YAY thanks Tav!
Stay tuned guys!
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 7:24 pm Post subject: |
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This is a moment, a segment, a dream - to be thought over and devoured, held and examined - there is no DP - a chapter will be posted.
…An Interlude…
My world is not yours. Things in my world are essentially the same as in yours but there is definitely a sense of otherness too it. Things which I consider commonplace would be startling in their absurdity to you.
Existing side by side and, more often than not – overlapping, our worlds share a strange yet peaceful co-existence but while me and mine are aware of You, all but a vast minority of you are aware of Us.
The gap between our peoples couldn’t be further apart or closer together than it is.
We breathe the same air and we feel the same winds, though it is hard at times for me to believe. To me there is no gentler or more intimate caress than the wind on my cheek, the soft kiss of a breeze on my skin is more stirring than the most sexual of touches.
Everywhere, anywhere and nowhere, all at once.
The air I inhale swims its way down into my lungs like a cleansing rush, an almost fire like burn on the inside of my nostrils as I breathe, speaks only of health and life. It clears my mind and frees my soul to soar to heights unimaginable. I am reborn with each breath emerging triumphant into the world.
Close your eyes and stand in the sunlight only then will you feel a tenth of the beauty my world possesses. The blush of warmth on your cheeks, the sweet smells of nature, the heady dizziness that comes from surrendering your guard to any who may advance unnoticed.
I stand in the morning light; I raise my face to her kiss and stretch with every fiber of my being, the ultimate in contented kitties. My Self pulls me up into the blue of the bluest sky, a cord of purest white extending from my core upwards into the clouds. My body follows its winding path, ascending higher and higher into the unknown.
Each journey the destination. Each path varied – never the same but not always different. An endless infinity of possibility….
White clouds rush past my face and I stretch my arms out to my sides and spin in lazy pirouettes, all the while travelling further and further across the Elysium plains.
Glancing to either side I can no longer see Mother Earth’s majestic form, just the endless infinity of altostratus clouds travelling to each horizon.
The colours are ethereal as if I stand upon the very grounds trod by the human Lord himself. Icy blue whites seem purifying, as if to move through them will cleanse my soul from all sin. The crimson and orange shading of those on the far horizon speaks to me of passion, calling to me with intensity, the pinks promising loving touches, tender embrace and lazy Sundays.
My journey takes me ever onward, never granting me leave to transcend through the mists of colour – to taste on my skin what they subliminally promise is a craving unfulfilled.
Just as I settle into my path, my body soaring high above the clouds with the grace and form of a swan gliding upon water, I plummet unexpectedly.
Wrenching me from my reverie, my abandonment, I fall headlong downwards. The clouds have parted here and below me lay only the fiery pits of Hades.
Magma flows in rivers beneath me, my eyes captivated by their trailing paths. It oozes with a red hot heat that even from so far above I can feel the sting of it upon my cheeks. Small eruptions shot globules of lava into the air; they turn my thoughts to those novelty store lights dubbed ‘lava lamps’.
My fall becomes flight once again and the plummet becomes a swoop, gentle curving arcs that bear me downwards into the inferno. My Self pulls me ever forward, my flight pre-determined, autopilot switched on.
The area below me is a muddled myriad of fire, pools of magma and spurting lava. Scattered amongst these are the skeletal remains of the Unforgiven, their bodies forever frozen into appeals for clemency or reprieve.
I barely tear my eyes away from these in time to find myself hurtling headlong into a pool of magma. My arms stretch above my head, in a cruel mockery of a swimmers dive, my fingers lengthening of their own accord almost beseeching to be allowed to enter the hell waters before anything else.
They plunge in and I am afire, my plummet slows sickeningly to a snail’s pace so that I may feel my flesh burn, may smell my burning flesh, and may feel the exquisite torture of pain unceasing.
I watch fascinated as my limbs are immersed inch by inch, each moment taking minutes, hours, years... I smell the hair on my head crisping and charring off, as if it too was delayed so that I may acknowledge and receipt each individual moment of my descent into Dante’s realm.
The skin on my face starts to blister and bubble, the pain screaming through every nerve, raw pure agonised bliss. As if even in this death there is the tender embrace of purity.
Through Hell’s fires I am cleansed, stripped, born anew. Eaten alive, devoured, consumed.
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shy_blu_eyes
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 11:31 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, alot to absorb. I feel like I have to read everything at least twice, not that that's a bad thing...
Congradulations on the SGotM Nomination, and best of luck with the elections!
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Dean
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 8:24 pm Post subject: |
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I like it. I like it a lot. Favorited. Look forward to the next chapter.
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[list][*]Setting Playground[/list:u]
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Muaddib
Comrade
Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Topics: 30
Posts: 1765
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 11:54 pm Post subject: |
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| Great attention to detail! You write very well.
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| the next bit? |
| sees a hut on the edge of the desert... lost |
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37% |
[ 3 ] |
| finds himself in Candy's bedroom - a husband is there |
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12% |
[ 1 ] |
| its all an illusion. He's actually in a small room, a maze of some sort, but what he is seeing, feeling, is either projected on his environment, or projected in his mind. |
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50% |
[ 4 ] |
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| Total Votes : 8 |
| Who Voted: Chinaren, CunningFox, Mephistopheles, Phantomfan, sir wax, Smee, Syranore, Tavanesh |
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