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scissorkitty
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 Posted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 11:45 am Post subject: Indelible: Chapter Fourteen |
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ChapterFourteen
Thin rays of sparkling sunlight flirted through the dense vegetation, making their merry way past the tangled greenery to dance and spin on the forest floor. A soft whisper of breeze caused the forest to shiver its delight, and the many dangling leaves and vines trembled in mutual appreciation. The very air seemed to shimmer, bespangled with floating dust motes that caught and spun, lending themselves the magical pause that seemed to smother all movement and sound.
What the FUUUUCK?!!! Leah's voice rang through the woods, a piercing tone like a opera singers' high C shattering the blissful peace into glassy shards. George's hand swiftly clapped over her lips.
Shh. Shut UP, Leah-baby! Do you want to get eaten?
Across the small clearing, the vines again trembled, this time in apprehension. The forest floor rolled softly underfoot, reacting to the padded vibration of the massive feet daintily picking their way through the foliage.
A shadow, a huge, dense, black, eerie, undulating shadow slunk behind a tumbling waterfall of leaves, and disappeared. Leah drew a shaking breath.
Dude. What the hell was THAT?
Every feather seemed primed for its own private flight, and tickles of warning shot up and down her spine like so many stiletto-wearing gogo dancers.
Um. Why do I still feel.... AAAAAAARRRRG!!!
A nose, a huge, black, fur-surrounded nose snorted inelegantly against her hair. It wuffled softly through her wrappings, pushed against her wings, and all but knocked George over. Warm air fought the cooler air currents of the clearing, and Leah felt her skin shiver. Through it all, she felt suddenly eerily removed.
The nose withdrew a fraction of an inch at a time, and finally revealed itself to be attached to..
A giant cat. A cat? I mean.. a REALLY FUCKING GIANT cat. George tentatively reached out a hand, palm up like his aunties had always told him.
Here, kitty kitty? Uh.. kitty?
The creature in question yawned delicately, showing an impressive 6-foot span of sparkling white incisors and those mysteriously small little baby teeth that seem to serve no real purpose. Glistening black gums, a healthy pink tongue, little black lips.. a white chin.. long, silky black whiskers tipped in gold.. the view seemed to expand like a widescreen tv.
The cat was huge. Unbelievably fucking huge. Even the forest, the home of the mystical beastie, was somewhat surprised. While the kitty contemplated the interlopers, the forest busied itself with scattering leaves over the nearby streambank, thereby eliminating at least one potential litterbox.
The cat raised one massive paw, and Leah screeched again, flattening herself and George to the ground in one quick motion, and throwing her outspread wings over them both in a protective blanket of feathers. Instead of the mighty smiting Leah was expecting, the cat raised the paw to her mouth and began to carefully groom herself. Lick paw. Wash ear. Lick paw. Wash other ear. Lick paw, contemplate paw, admire paw. Admire self.
Lick paw, wash nose. Lick paw, wash eye. Lick paw.. hmm. Yuck. Lick paw repeatedly. Oh... A huge voice, soft and warm and seeming to come from everywhere at once radiated through the clearing. One huge green eye blinked lazily at the tumbled adventurers. Hm. Was I saying that outloud again? You look disturbed.
Gah. Thbbbbbbt! George tried to reply, but his mouth was full of feathers, dirt, fruit remains and Leah's fist, gagging him into silence.
DP. What does our kitty friend want/represent?
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Last edited by scissorkitty on Fri Apr 10, 2009 4:51 pm; edited 2 times in total
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 12:38 pm Post subject: |
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Can the cat still "eat" her? 
I'm impressed at the promptness of the chapter, especially considered with the quality of the writing. I wish i could do that.
And i have no idea what the cat wants. Probably something metaphorical. It is, after all, a dream.
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TruePurple
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| Posted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 12:45 pm Post subject: |
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You sad George wasn't knocked over, but then you say Leah dove to the ground and covered him with her wings. So George must have been at least knocked on his butt. I think this aspect of the story could be better detailed.
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Adventures of John Chapter 2. I am working to update chapter 1 before I close poll and write chapter 3.
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scissorkitty
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| Posted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 12:58 pm Post subject: |
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Good point, True. Consider that edited.
Thanks, Deady!  That's really nice of you to say! I actually think I'm starting to slip a little in the detail department.. but some days I just get the urge to write, I guess!
Sure, the cat could still eat her! Like you said, it's all a dream, so why not? I like the idea of a metaphorical conversation..
and ideas as to what/how/examples?
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| Posted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 11:10 pm Post subject: Apologies for the long post |
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Dear Scissorkitty,
First and foremost let me applaud the work you have done in Indelible, the characters and story is downright enjoyable. So a couple of disclaimers here: one, I don’t post often so if there are times it seems I should be using a code to get something done and I don’t it’s probably just my lack of “postiness”; two, I’m not an editor so any critiques I give that you don’t agree with can be simply chalked up to another voice amongst the cacophony at the bottom of the well.
As I said before I don’t post often (and I have the lack of fables to prove it) but I hope that my lack of “renown” in City of If doesn’t color what you may think of what I have to say – good or bad. Okay, enough stalling and backpedaling here we go.
I found myself reading Chapter One at the behest of Reiso, my long time friend and the more creative half of our various endeavors. And I’m glad I did, even though he has already pointed it out I think it’s important to do so again, this story and the characters in it have a very DeLint vibe to them – and in my opinion that is not bad company to be compared to. Leah is a character that you can’t help but fall a little in love with, her irreverence and “sideways” commentary show the potential depth to her that you want to get to know more. And once again take this however you want to, but know that I mean no disrespect when I say that for me George is almost nonessential excluding how he is affected by Leah. By the time I was done I realized that I had read all the chapters in one day and still had time to draft this, if that isn’t high praise for your writing I don’t know what is.
There are moments in Indelible that are sparks of brilliance.
| Quote: | | That's where the tattoo gun had been napping. She had done a double take when she saw it, the lazy heat and the slight ripple in the glass giving the cords of the gun the impression of being a little green snake, curled and waiting. |
| Quote: | | The mumbles of a subterranean beast shattered the calm morning, warming the space between pillow and bed sheets as Leah thrashed awake. |
| Quote: | | Her hair, shorter on one side than the other anyway, stuck up from her soaking scalp like a matt of little brown feathers. |
| Quote: | | It's just too early. I lost too much blood and have clearly contracted gangrene from my new gun. |
These are just a small handful of the hodgepodge of great lines that caught my eye. The one just above this is my second favorite and the one below this IS my favorite – thus why it is separated from the rest in all its glory. I also like the way you tied in her hair description in chapter three to further draw out the mystery of her wings.
| Quote: | | The poor forest was subjected to some very strange animal activity. It didn't know what to think about the interlopers in the first place... and now they were eating, or hunting, or doing something to each other that seemed more than a little unnecessary. Couldn't these creatures just.. drop a seed and spawn a sapling the ordinary way? It sighed to itself, leaves rustling, and settled itself to wait. Ah well. With any luck they'd finish soon and leave whatever remained to nourish the forest floor. |
Your ability to splash in lines thick with a humorous sarcasm followed by elegant descriptions is unique and a pleasure to read.
As for my critiques… they are not many but I sincerely hope that they do cause the story to grow or at the very least perhaps spark an idea that may not have been. The first one is a one that I’m wholly familiar with during my brief stint co-writing Thorns & Steel. Which is there are times when the story seems to lose focus. Now this may be because of various factors – not least of them are crafting “storypoints” in which you have no idea what people may vote. The second thing that I would like to mention is that the part of Leah that I want to get to know seems to diminish with each chapter. I’ll do my best to write this so it makes sense but if it doesn’t please feel free to PM me or whatever so that I might clarify it. If the first few chapters I as a reader got this sense about Leah that there was more to her, that behind the ink and the attitude there is this mystery waiting to be revealed. And though the manifesting of wings is a mystery unto itself, I think that the journey into resolving the wings are fraught with opportunities to dole out what makes Leah tick. Because for me, and bear in mind I’m just one opinion, the story is about her and as a reader I want to get to know her. As a reader I want to know that what drew me to her character wasn’t a fluke and that by the time the story is done I want her to be familiar to me and not a stranger that I missed the chance to learn more about. I hope this makes sense to you.
Anyways this post is getting long, and I’m sure you have had an earful of it by now. I hope that this helps in some way, sort or fashion. If I want you to take away only one thing from this post I would hope that it would be that this story has life and shines as bright as your writing.
Good luck,
Emperor
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scissorkitty
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| Posted: Thu Apr 09, 2009 5:09 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for the beautiful praise, Emperor, and the critique!
That's exactly the kind of feedback I need- I do tend to lose focus as an SG progresses. You'll notice that the chapters that focused the most on Leah and her character development were actually written as a Linear story.. i definitely have trouble keeping the same focus whilst focusing on various DPs.
If you have any suggestions about that, definitely PM me!  I don't want to lose Leah either.. she's definitely one of my faves!
And.. LOVE deLint! So, thankyou again!
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| Posted: Thu Apr 09, 2009 7:29 am Post subject: |
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I'm still all for the cat eating or at least attacking Leah, though it may do so solely on 'cat' instinct before returning to its normal refined state.
As for what it wants... how about it wants to split them up? They have to go down different paths with different obsticles or however you spell that word.
Nice chapter at an impressive wait time!
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I've been pulled back from oblivion to lurk about the City once more. Though the music of the night always beckons...
Here's some stuff I started writing a long time ago. Orb. Nexus.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Apr 09, 2009 7:46 am Post subject: |
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A wonderful critique, and well deserved! This is a great storygame.
For the DP - What the cat wants, I'm not really sure. It is happy to preen itself in front of them, that means it isn't intimidated, or feeling aggressive. But the fact that it can talk says more to me about what it might represent than what it wants.
First up, its big. Really big. So whatever it represents has to be something very important. And I got the sense that it was an oversized domestic cat, rather than a lion or something of the kind. So domestic might mean familiar.
Important and familiar - to Leah? Or to George? Or to both of them? Now, George's family are mourning the recent passing of his uncle Thierry.
From Chapter 6....
| Quote: | "So Theirry is living this boring ass life, doing nothing really exciting other than maybe skimming a little here and there... and I mean, maybe. I've had my taxes done. Don't tell me the government really needs all those shit deductions. Anyway, so he's working away in this little cubicle every day and hits one of those midlife crises. He decided that, fuck the job, fuck the family, whatever.. dude wants to do his own thing, and do something exciting with his life." George bounded out of his seat and stood across from Leah, the better to wave his arms expansively to illustrate the elaborate emotional turmoil of his late Uncle.
"Thierry goes to his bank, withdraws all their money from the account, buys a car, and drives off. He calls Sherry, his wife, from the road and tells her he's got a big conference to go to- and she buys it, 'cause he's the most dependable, scheduled guy in the world, right? So off he goes, driving, driving, who the fuck knows why or what the hell is going on, or what he's thinking.
Next thing, he turns up at some rinky-dink airport in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere, and lays all this money down on some cowboy's desk to take him up in his plane. All the planes are out, and the rest seem to be one-seater crop dusting things, but there's one older plane that will seat two, with some storage room in the back. Fine. Now, Uncle Thierry, he's always been afraid of planes. Aunt Theresa was really pissed a few years back when he wouldn't go on a trip to Florida with her, Sherry and the kids.. but all of a sudden, he's decided to get over it, i guess. Up they go.. the pilot lets my Uncle take a turn at the wheel, or whatever you call it.. and that's fine. Fun times, easy money for the pilot, Thierry just wants to go around in circles a few times, it seems.
They've been up maybe 15 minutes, looping around a little, and Thierry is looking a little green in the gills. The pilot says there's a bucket in the back, why doesn't my Uncle go on back there and just bring it up, just in case. He unbuckles himself, goes into the back and all of a sudden the pilot is like, fucking fighting to keep the plane straight, 'cause all the pressure in the cabin has dropped, and it's all windy and crazy. He tries to call to my Uncle, but there's no answer, and it's so damn loud that they probably just can't hear each other. So, the pilot starts radioing for help, but there's no one else at the airport down there, and it's not like they've got a giant fucking trampoline or something to help, right? So he keeps trying, eventually gets the thing kind of leveled out, and lands.
He's checking all the dials and stuff, trying to figure out what's going on, and he yells for Thierry... but there's no answer. The pilot gets outta his seat, goes into the back, and there's nothing there. No one. My Uncle is missing- like totally gone! AND the door is wide open! So, what the fuck? He's looking around, super scared, thinking holy shit this dude just jumped.. and he finds Thierry's wallet in the barf bucket, all his ID and stuff, and that's it. So.."
Leah started as George trailed off, cut off from her imagined airplane crash.
"So? What happened then? Where's your Uncle?"
"Oh, well, I told you when you got here. He passed away."
"Yeah, but.. you can't just leave off in the middle like that. I mean, what the fuck, man? What happened? Where'd he go?"
"Uh, I thought it was kind of obvious. He jumped. The pilot called the police with his ID, they found his body all pancaked somewhere nearby, and then they called us. It's just.. it's weird, you know? Did he think he could fucking fly, or something?" |
Now I always believed back then, that there might be some weird link between the story he told and how it ended as 'did he think he could fucking fly, or something?' that this would link George to the tattoo gun and the tattoo gun to Leah's wings.
Thierry is familiar to George (a relative) and the big deal about him is that he has just died, having jumped from an aeroplane.
So I think the cat represents George's uncle's death, which in turn illustrates what happens when one tries to fly without wings.
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TruePurple
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| Posted: Thu Apr 09, 2009 12:24 pm Post subject: |
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We don't know the uncle is dead. His body was never found. They just assumed he died because he jumped out of a plane without a parachute. Maybe he did fly.
A critique,
I had issue with this earlier when I read it. But thought I would give it some time and another reread or two to see if I just errored in my reading. But I am still having a issue with it.
At the time they say "What the FUUUUCK?!!!" & "Shh. Shut UP, Leah-baby! Do you want to get eaten?" I do not see a discernable reason for them saying such. It seems out of place with what is being described at the time.
@scissorkitty
Going overboard a bit with the DP aren't we? In the end it is your story. Granted you can do things in your own way, but when I post a DP, I already have some ideas of potential direction, & even some potential options in my head. You said you had more focus when you were writing the story in linear, maybe my DP method would help bring you a bit back to that.
But I will tell you what I think you could do with what the cat wants. I can't tell you in few words, so I will use many. Just adapt accordingly as you wish.
The conversation and events as follows
Leah trembled in fear, "Disturbed?! Of course I'm disturbed, what the fuck are you?!"
George struggled beneath her fear fueled iron grip, "Leah don't you thUMMPFF!" he started to say before Leah regained her grip and unintentionally shoved a wing in his face & mouth.
The large creature tilted his head nonchalantly, again came the voice from everywhere & no where "A cat, I would think that was obvious. What are you?"
Leah look baffled, under her George still struggled. "I II... am a person!" She exclaimed, first with intrepidation, then certainty. Around them the forest looked on at these strange creatures & their conflict. Leaves & branches bent in into get a better look.
The large brown & black striped head moved in close again, the large yellow slitted eyes examined her carefully. To her terror a large paw came from the side to cup around them. "You think I am not a 'person'?" Inquired the voice.
George worked free of her grip, gasping for air. But still lies there stunned, uncertain what to say or do.
"I didn't say that!" Leah said rapidly, as if speaking the words faster would prevent her doubt from showing in her words. "But damn, cats aren't suppose to be huge & talking." She sputtered out.
The giant paw terrifyingly moved against her wings. "Says the human with wings, I've never seen that before. You're a strange creature."
"You're one to talk!" Leah continued to sputter.
The immense beast sat back, grooming and contemplating. Shortly it got up and started walking away slowly, ambling along.
"Cat dude, where are you going?" George pips up having sat up when the cat was grooming itself.
Not looking back or pausing the cat responded "No where in particular, this is boring. A word of advice humans, don't be a cat, know where your going." and with that it moved into the bushes, squeezing through the tight brambly space as cats are so good at doing. Suddenly the branches stop moving, like the large cat had just vanished or been absorbed into the leaves.
Leah, George, & even the forest glanced around, trying to figure out where strange visitor had come from, & where it had gone.
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Adventures of John Chapter 2. I am working to update chapter 1 before I close poll and write chapter 3.
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Phantomfan
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| Posted: Thu Apr 09, 2009 3:47 pm Post subject: |
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TP- I think the purpose of the DP is to get some fresh ideas and the idearium flowing- not to write the story for them.
Sorry Skitty- I'll shut up now. 
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Here's some stuff I started writing a long time ago. Orb. Nexus.
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The Meaning Of Fear
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| Posted: Thu Apr 09, 2009 9:04 pm Post subject: |
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Just realised I haven't commented!
Seems shorter the others, but no less enjoyable.
Quite a turn of events. Here we have a kitty. Kitty sees a birdy nearby. What does kitty do? Kitty talks.
I think you can do a lot with this DP, though I honestly can't think of anything good at the moment. I'm tempted to say something about scissors, but I shall endure. 
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Doors to the truth, an SG where a boy is propelled into worlds he is unfamiliar with. He crosses many worlds, and sees many things that force him to throw away his innocence, once, and for all. Fourth Chapter, out for viewing!
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| Posted: Thu Apr 09, 2009 9:53 pm Post subject: |
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Well phantom, I couldn't imagine any way to say it in just a few words what I meant. It seemed like less alot less work to write it rather then try to explain without writting it. Anyway, I left off where the cat left, more could be written after the fact (though I don't suppose SC would use my writting)
Also, sometimes when given DP like "What does someone want" or "What appears" or "Where do they wind up?", I feel like I am partially writing the story (but not in a good way) I mean we already had one DP vote... But to each their own.
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Adventures of John Chapter 2. I am working to update chapter 1 before I close poll and write chapter 3.
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scissorkitty
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| Posted: Fri Apr 10, 2009 4:49 pm Post subject: |
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Okay.. and after that little interlude.. Back to the story, again!
Okay, so lets do a quick poll of your cat-behaviour suggestions. Crunchy, i do love how you pick up on all my little scattered tidbits!
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scissorkitty
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| Posted: Sat Apr 11, 2009 3:15 pm Post subject: |
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Ooo! It's close.. any last votes before we move onwards?
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 6:00 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | The pilot called the police with his ID, they found his body all pancaked somewhere nearby, and then they called us. |
They did find his body, so he didn't fly. No suggestions for the poll, but an odd idea. Perhaps he was the previous owner of the tattoo gun, woke up one morning to realise that whatever he'd tattooed onto himself had gone and was so freaked out and upset that he topped himself. Maybe it's a family heirloom that the older people in George's family can tell them about?
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scissorkitty
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| Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 7:19 am Post subject: |
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Whitey.. between you and Crunchy, you're picking all my ideas out of my brain before I can write them!
Who knows.. you may be on the right track?
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TruePurple
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| Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 10:27 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | They did find his body |
Oops sorry, misremembered.
| Quote: | | Perhaps he was the previous owner of the tattoo gun, woke up one morning to realize that whatever he'd tattooed onto himself had gone and was so freaked out and upset that he topped himself. |
Interesting. Why not just retattoo himself though?
How did it end up in a pawn shop or what ever then?
How do you explain the package being unopened/sealed?
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Last edited by TruePurple on Sun Apr 12, 2009 4:25 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Reiso
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| Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 1:12 pm Post subject: |
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Hey kitty, just letting you know I am still reading this and thoroughly enjoying it. I am also glad to see that Emperor finally got around to reading this and offered up the kind of critique that can only come from the truly De Lint saturated mind he possesses.
I've had practically nothing but praise for this SG, but there is one small criticism I would like to offer, though it is meant purely constructively. I've never been a big fan of "metagame" DPs, which is to say DPs where we your players determine the nature of your content instead of just guiding that content in a direction. I get that it's more interactive and collaborative and all that, and I respect that. If that's how you want to run your SG, more power to you.
That being said, it seems like not much really happened in this chapter. And I'm not talking about length, either, I mean... not much happened. One character made a somewhat lengthy appearance, and that was basically it. This is not helped by the fact that since we helped determine what this creature was going to be, its appearance was frankly of little or no event for us. It seems less fun this way.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love this SG. I love it. I would just like to see more of it told at a time. Right now, its a very small issue--almost a non-issue, really, since you post your chapters so frequently. But just be careful you don't start doling your story out in pieces that are too small, especially when we already know and help determine what those pieces are. Throw some surprises at us, heck, make important decisions without us! Not everything needs to be a DP if it helps keep your story on track.
But above all else, keep up the good work. You're a very fresh and unique voice here in the city. Speak loud, and speak often.
_________________
Sector 17 -- Rebuilding... ... ...
In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter--bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter
And because it is my heart." -- Stephen Crane
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scissorkitty
Respected Citizen
Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Topics: 59
Posts: 789
Location: Escaping the Hair Lair
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3104 Fables
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| Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 5:05 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks, Reiso!
That's the kind of encouragement I need. I see what you mean about the really open ended DPs, and I'll take your ideas definitely into account!
_________________
......back and forth.....
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scissorkitty
Respected Citizen
Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Topics: 59
Posts: 789
Location: Escaping the Hair Lair
Items
Legends
3104 Fables
Strata-gems
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| Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 5:06 pm Post subject: |
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Alrighty! We'll shoot for the next chappie tomorrow or tuesday. WHOOT WHOOT!
_________________
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