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Gallant
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 Posted: Wed Nov 19, 2008 7:28 pm Post subject: Batharan's Mirror (Warning, bad language) |
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There is a mirror, with much more than just a familiar face in its reflection. The lights of a world shimmer and dance on its surface, ask hard enough and you can see anything you like. Anything… it’s a good word. No boundaries…. You can enter the mirror, many do, it‘s easy! Unfortunately you can’t say the same for the way back. Although the mirror has a sister… a little sister. She knows the way back. However she is lost, and has a broken heart. It is because she doesn’t have her father. She misses her father. Will you help me find my daughter? Will you help me find the way back home?
-
It wasn’t unbearably cold, but still chilly enough to smell the frost in the air. Darren could almost taste the freshness of the morning. Grass and snow crunched under his feet leaving dark, wet footprints behind him. His boots kept out the damp, but done nothing for the dry chill. He rubbed his hands warm whilst he stood seemingly alone in the field before spotting the company of two trees. It wasn’t much but the naked black branches and interesting twists kept his mind off the cold. The air made Darren’s eyes water painfully obscuring his vision. Winters grasp was coming swift this year, and it would prove to bite hard.
Darren focused hard on the trees but was only able to make out a silhouette of a person. Usually his sharp blue eyes could make out a face at this distance but for the air and the bleariness of sleep still lingering it proved too difficult. Hesitating, Darren pulled a thick woollen hat down around his ears and stuck up the collar of his jacket. Then with some reluctance, he trudged further on through the snow to meet the stranger.
“Such measures for such a simple exchange, tell me again, why are we out in the middle of this frozen farm?” The voice of the stranger was light, but noticeably wizened. His age was hidden only by his hat and coat. A contrastingly young and impatient tongue darted its reply.
“I told you before old man, my way of handling shady dealings like this is my own business, and you would do well to keep to your own.” This abruptness caused a short but bitter silence between the man and Darren. “Well then, show me it!” Darren’s raised voice and impatience made the icicles on the trees quiver. The man stood unfaltering and pulsed confidence. The cold shook him more than this young wannabes impudence he thought. The cheek of it all. These were hard times indeed if he was reduced to delivering simple treasures to ungrateful, runny nosed brats. The man brushed a bit of snow off himself and then slowly undone the pegs on his duffel coat. The elderly figure pulled out a sword nearly the length of him, how he hid it from view Darren would never know.
The sword looked as if it weighed a fair bit, however the old man held it with such finesse you would of guessed it was a lot lighter. The hilt was encrusted with the very essence of the word, decadence. It looked royal and dextrous, but ‘power’ was the best word to describe this piece.
“You, couldn’t of disguised it as something a bit less… eye catching?”
“It’s hidden as two things, this sword and another dull, tattered old dagger. A double bluff, if you will.”
“Hmm, but people may talk. It might get checked, and a powerful enough spell will reveal what it is.”
“It may get checked, and all the better I say! However, I doubt if the High Conjurer Marionette is going to have her hands on it right away. Lesser mages will try, and they will dismiss it as a cheap enchantment meant to impress ones friends. Makes sense?”
“I see what you mean.” Darren took the sword from the man and tucked it in his own jacket with the pointed end glinting out the bottom. His eyes judged correctly, it weighed next to nothing. “It just seems a bit big.”
“Put it this way, at least you aren’t going to lose it.”
Darren glared and ignored the joke. With that, they sighed with some relief, as if a great stress had been lifted from the both of them. There were no words that exchanged in their goodbyes, just a simple nod and a stare before parting ways.
Darren made his way back home, he decided he was going to take the forest road. The small glinting end sticking out the bottom of his jacket had made him paranoid. He didn’t think traipsing through the village with a quite ostentatious looking sword hanging out his coat was a terribly good idea. This day in age hardly anyone used hand weapons. It was barbaric, low etiquette.
Branches, twigs and a variety of tree fodder snapped and crunched under Darren’s feet. The forest floor was clearly visible on the path as it was a well used route. Darren was afraid he might encounter someone on the road so he had stuck part of the sword down his denims and made his way with an exaggerated limp.
For a while, all that could be heard was Darren’s staggered foot steps and exasperated breath, but there was a rustling in the leaves. It was enough to make Darren stop and catch his breath from walking so awkwardly. After he had silenced himself he stood against a tree at the side of the path and listened. The rustling happened again over the other side.
A few crispy brown leaves suddenly decided to fly into the air along with snow, mud and a very small rocks. Then for a brief moment a furry grey face popped up from the frozen undergrowth with mud on its features and a nut in its mouth. On sight of Darren the squirrel made a hasty retreat up a nearby tree. It hung around occasionally nibbling on its winter feast while continuously eyeing Darren. It seemed suspicious that Darren may at any given moment spring from his standing place and try and steal his nuts.
Darren watched it scamper and climb for a while before choosing to take advantage of the quiet road and make the rest of the way home. He went to leave the tree he was leaning but his coat snagged somewhere on its surface. He tried to just pull himself free but to no avail. Turning in frustration he discovered it was not a branch or bramble that had caught him. But a man.
A large man. A large man holding a small axe. Darren didn’t think about the smallness of the axe, just the capability of the large mans hairy arms. The large man was wearing a dirty vest with a tattered waistcoat on. If it wasn’t for his gargantuan beer-gut you would of thought the cold would give him something like hypothermia. Darren began to wonder why he didn’t see this extraordinarily large man.
“Alright there crumpet? You look a bit pasty.” The man grabbed Darren’s arm opposite the sword with ungainly speed. “Lets have a look at that there sword of yours, eh?” The man smiled with absolutely no twinkle in his eye to be found.
Darren looked down at his right and learned that the sword had flopped out of his jacket when he tried to pull himself free. Its gilded surface shone bright in the cloudless sky and the gems dazzled the forest around his presence. It must of looked very expensive.
“Hey boys, ‘mon out and look at this whopper.”
A small tweedy looking guy scuffled out from under the leaves from where Darren saw the squirrel. He was chewing on something* while he played with small steel dagger. Something about the way he chewed seemed familiar to Darren. Another could be heard getting down from a tree further off in the distance. Darren could tell he had a crossbow in his hands, but contrastingly he was wrapped up in too many layers of clothing to been seen. His figure was imposing even at this distance. The at about 20 yards away he stopped and wouldn’t come any closer.
“C’mon Ryza, come have a look at this, Beaut!” The one called Ryza stood silent and just stared ahead. “Ah, suit yourself then. Scruff, relieve this gentlemen of this fine piece of weaponry.”
“Alright, will do.”
As Scruff went to take the sword from Darren, Darren instinctively grabbed hold of it with his free hand. The large one chuckled. A slowly held the edge of his axe to Darren’s face. It wasn’t too sharp, but sharpness doesn’t dictate the damage it could do in a proper set of hands.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. ‘Cause if you do, we might need to start grabbing our weapons too.”
“Don’t we already have our weapons in our hands?”
“I don’t know, do we? I’ve got my axe and Ryza has his crossbow. Where’s your sword?” Scruff waved his now rather pathetic looking dagger in a playful fashion. “Aw, c’mon Scruff. I need a little bit more commitment than that, look at it. Who you going to intimidate with that? A rabbit?”
“Sorry Meat, it was the best I could get in such short notice.”
After a while of taking in the situation Darren’s brain began working again. He forced it to take the scrambled letters whirring in his head and make a half decent sentence out of them.
“You’re not getting my sword, I need it.”
Confused at this small act of defiance Meat asked a question.
“What for? We could just slit your throat and leave you here in the woods. Would you still need it then?”
Remarkably Darren forced down a giggle and repressed the urge to say yes. He composed himself and thought up the odds. He was in the hands of a man bear called Meat. If he managed to wiggle his way out of his titans grip the he could probably just kick Scruff in the chest and send him sprawling. He didn’t look like he weighed much. The only problem was the one called Ryza and his crossbow. Darren Judged by his silence and the reluctance to come close probably said that he’s a half decent shot.
*Probably the poor squirrels nuts.
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Last edited by Gallant on Mon Mar 23, 2009 5:33 am; edited 8 times in total
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Lilith
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 8:04 am Post subject: |
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I agree.
also, since it's the forest road, you have two options.
If you run through the trees, it will slow you down, but it will make it harder for the dude with the crossbow to shoot you.
However, this might the sufficient detriment in speed that would allow the two thugs with their weapons to catch up.
Or you could run down the road, hoping to out run them back the way you came.
The disadvantage of this option is that the crossbowman might get a clear shot.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Sun Nov 23, 2008 7:40 am Post subject: |
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Good start there Gal, great detail, and good to read. 
Am I right in thinking this is the mirror disguised as a sword, and can be alternatively disguised as a dagger? Or it is disguised as two seperate things, and the sword is only one of them?
I'd say use the sword. Just swipe at them with it. If it is the mirror in disguise they might pass into it and disappear as the prologue suggests - and since it is very difficult to get back, that might be good for Darren, at least in the short term.
If it isn't the mirror then whatever this thing is that is disguised as a sword will undoubtedly surprise or frighten these men, at least long enough for Darren to leg it.
Use the sword!
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tayfinch
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| Posted: Sun Nov 23, 2008 8:47 am Post subject: |
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Use the tongue: confuse them and then catch them when they are off guard! If it be possible to distract and make your way close enough to the crossbow... you could rid of it and be just fine doing your heroic retreat.
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 The SPEEDGAME is BACK ON!! I need some readers to come and vote to get it going again! Looking forward to storygaming with you!
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Reasoner
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| Posted: Sun Nov 23, 2008 3:51 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with Tayfinch, use the tongue: but use it with the animals... there is obviously magic in this strange world you have created, so have Darren tell the squirrel to help him... something small like a distraction, then have Darren use it as leverage in the fight and creat an oppurtunity to escape.
Well written, I like how you added small details like the squirrel to paint a living picture of what is happening. Keep up the good work.
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Gallant
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| Posted: Wed Nov 26, 2008 12:47 pm Post subject: |
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Alright guys, thanks for reading. I like the compliments, you're flattering me  . Even more though, I like the suggestions, some of them certainly put a spanner in the works to the entire idea of the story. I'll make a summary of suggestions, because I'm sticking the poll up in the next couple of days.
Use your mystical powers to communicate with the animals and attain their aid.
Use your quick wit and wyles to dance well worded insults around their small bemused minds.
Use the sword and unveil its hidden reality!
Run to the trees!
Leg it!
Any other suggestions then pop them in quick and i'll include them in my poll. 
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ceej
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| Posted: Fri Nov 28, 2008 10:17 am Post subject: |
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quick wit and banter!! would make better writing. and then an spic, medium-rare brawl!!
love the story man, sorry it took so long for me to get to read it. but, it was worth the wait. Excellent work my man (Y)
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tayfinch
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| Posted: Fri Nov 28, 2008 9:54 pm Post subject: |
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Unashamedly: Use the tongue.
[Buy time to think, then act ; )]
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Gallant
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| Posted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 5:00 am Post subject: |
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Sorry I closed the poll early but Its already been a couple of weeks since my last chapter and i'm getting itchy. 
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 4:32 am Post subject: |
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| Aww, I would have voted for using the sword, but it wouldn't have affected the poll outcome. Hope to see a new chapter soon.
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Gallant
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| Posted: Mon Feb 16, 2009 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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Darren took a breath and mentally stood back from the situation. He thought how predictable it was for a bandit trio to bump into him on the road home. Just when he might have something half decent to rob. If only they knew what it was and what it was for. Darren prepped himself. He was going to need to pull off something quite outlandish to get out of this one unscathed.
Meat gestured towards the sword.
“Well then, hand it over.”
“Okay then, um, to who?”
As soon as the words left Darren’s mouth Scruff was over like a bullet ready to snatch the sword up. He would have had it to if Meat didn’t stop him.
“Hold just a minute, he can give it to me.”
Scruff looked almost insulted, his eyes began to dart. They shifted from Meat, to Darren and back to the sword. Although uneducated, Scruff wasn’t dumb. Last time Meat was in charge of the stash Scruff didn’t exactly get his fair share.
“Nah Meat, I’ll get it for you. You carried the loot last time, remember?”
“Yeah but I do it because I’m the biggest, I can carry more. Plus, I don‘t want you to be tired… you know, in case of an emergency like.”
“Tired? Since when did you worry about me being tired? What about when we’re stealing kegs from The Baldy Boar? I’ve never seen you roll a keg up anything steeper than a bump in the road!”
“Well since Ryza joined up with us, I‘ve not needed to have I?”
“…Why not?”
“Well we‘re a gang now since he joined, and gangs need leaders don‘t they?”
“Leader!? Oh for... Listen, I’m going to lay it out flat. I think you’ve been taking an unfair take on our hard earned plunder. Even if you think you’re the leader.”
Meat loosened his grip on Darren’s coat and his knife dropped a bit.
“You know, for once I might agree with you there. If anything, I should get more!”
“More!? You already give Ryza half of what he should get!”
Meat released Darren from his grasp and pointed the bad end of his weapon at Scruff. The information Scruff had let slip sparked Ryza’s attention. For the first time in this whole situation, Ryza made a move. He pulled down the cloak around his mouth.
“What do ya mean only half?”
Ryza’s dark islander accent carried well. He only had to speak softly, regardless off his distance. He continued to scowl and grimace. His face held little emotion, though his eyes were almost black in colour and boomed power.
Ryza shifted his stance and fixed the crossbow onto Meat.
“Well? You bin cheatin’ I out of me earnin’s? Havin’ ya hands in me pockets?”
“Uh, well, you see-”
Meat was suddenly cut short as the sound of a crossbow letting free its bolt pierced the air. The bolt landed in Meat’s open mouth, knocking out a few teeth in the process. Meat turned to Darren and gurgled a mouth full of blood, then crumpled to the ground.
“Aw, fuck this!”
Scruff was off like a bullet, kicking up dirt and snow on his way out. Ryza glared at Darren who suddenly felt very vulnerable. The Caribbean killer took a step towards Darren, the clouds had came in and it began to rain. Darren breathed a sigh of relief and closed his eyes.
“Usually when it’s this cold all the moisture freezes. Even your breathe mists in the air. The thing about cold though, it usually attracts warmer weather around it and warm fronts bring the rain… ”
Ryza didn’t appear to be listening when he dropped his crossbow and unsheathed a short sword. He raised his arm and picked up his pace until he was at full charge towards Darren. Rain bounced off his face as he bared his teeth.
“Not so fast!”
Just before Ryza was in striking distance Darren flicked his hand and ignited the air in front of him. The Jamaican jumped back, confused as steam rose from his shirt.
“You’re a wizard! Why didn’t ya use ya magic earlier?”
“You’re a commoner, you wouldn’t understand.”
Darren, now infused with a healthy dose of magic, pulled up his hood from his trench coat and fixed the sword in his pants.
“All you need to know is this, the power in any situation can shift easily. Especially if there are outside forces at work. Now I don’t particularly want any attention brought to myself when I get back to town, and I doubt you do either for the murder of your… friend. This is where we part, I hope you have the sense to avoid me in future.”
Darren left the bandits where they lay, one living, one dead. He walked until he was out of sight along the winding forest path. Then Darren fell on his knees and screamed. He pulled back the sleeves of his coat and all the veins in his arms were glowing bright red. The glow spread to any vein close to the surface of his skin until it got into his iris. The glow seemed to accumulate there until it dissipated from his eyes in an incandescent crimson mist.
The rain lashed his back as Darren lay hunched on his knees. He gathered his strength and brought himself up. He knew he shouldn’t use wizardry but the need for it arose. It didn’t matter now though, he had what he sought out to acquire and soon he would pass his final test.
The trek home wasn’t long and soon he was battering down the locked door of his house. He lived in a fairly small town, almost a village. It’s roads were cobbled and rough. No one was standing around as the rain melted the snow causing small rivers to form in the streets. Darren knocked again on his door and finally it cracked open.
The door was answered by a young boy, barely in his teens, he smiled a bucktooth grin and opened the door welcomingly to Darren. Darren placed a scorched and soggy leather glove on the kids head and tussled a crop of blonde hair.
“So, where were you today?”
Darren trudged in ignoring his brother at first and dumped his coat on a nearby chair. His little home had nothing more than a table, two beds in the next room and two tattered looking chairs beside a small but hearty fireplace. The tiny flame burned courageously against the draft of the open door.
“I was taking care of some business. You really shouldn’t ask what your big brother is up to.”
“Yeah but I want to know.”
Darren pulled the sword out from his jeans and clanged it down on the table, not giving it a second glance.
“What’s that! Looks expensive.”
“Don’t get your hopes up, it’s a fake.”
“I bet you I could get a good price for it at the blacksmith, Billy Faltner’s dad works there and he’s owes me for telling Jenny Sawyer’s to get lost when she wanted to kiss him. I bet I could get you a deal.”
Darren rubbed his eyes, that little bit of magic he performed took a lot of energy out him. He yawned and began undressing and hanging up his wet clothes beside the fire.
“Listen, I don’t care for special deals… I just need my bed ok.”
“But, I bet I could-”
“Lewis! Do me a favour and shut it.”
Lewis shut his mouth and slumped into one of the chairs. Darren fell on his bed in his room with no door. He didn’t bother to climb under the covers before falling asleep. He slept heavily, he wouldn’t of woke up until the next morning if it wasn’t for the loud banging at the door and his brother nudging him in his bed.
It was dark out, the street lamps had been extinguished. The rain lashed the roof and its clouds stopped all other light from penetrating the sky. Jamie had lit an old candle with the smallest of wicks flickering in a pool of wax. The door thumped again.
“Darren, who would come in for us at this time?”
“I don’t know…”
Darren lifted himself from his bed, now fully alert and still dressed. Darren walked to the door. It still thumped and as he drew closer he began to hear some sort of argument between two people outside. He was now close enough to press his ear against the door. It had stopped thumping.
“Stand aside unless you want blasted too!”
“Fine, but I’d prefer it if you didn’t use something so flashy.”
Darren was confused now and reached for the latch on the door. Ready to open it and inquire what the trouble was about when he was surged off his feet by fire and splinters. He landed in a heap of burnt wood and clothes. A tall, grim looking figure billowed in with his slick black hair and ferociously blue eyes. He held a thin metal cane which was glowing at the tip. It complimented his sharp black suit accompanied with a red tie and black cape. He was followed by a couple of town guards who looked like they’ve never seen so much drama in entire time they have served the law.
“Darren, Darren Crowley?”
Darren looked at the man above him and regained his sense of balance. He brought himself back up again and tried dusting off most of the cinders.
“Why the fuck did I just get blasted off my feet!? Why the fuck do you think you can do that to my door!? What the hell is the time!?”
“Are you Darren Crowley or not?”
“Yes I’m fucking Darren Crowley!”
“Then I do apologise.”
The caped man said this with a smirk and raised his cane to point it directly at Darren’s face.
“Apologise for what?”
Then it became so dark Darren couldn’t even see the bleak candle light off his brothers face as he fell to the ground. All the sound around him quietened down and mixed together until the rain was as indistinguishable as Lewis’s call when the guards lifted Darren out the door. More guards entered the home and started tearing it apart. Darren couldn’t figure out why this was suddenly happening until he saw the slim, billowing man brandishing the sword along side his cane.
As Darren’s head lolled back in the direction of the door he saw his brother being man handled into a carriage and then a small door shut in front of his view. He couldn’t move or feel much. He did manage to make out the sound of horse shoes hitting cobbled stones as he rocked about. He assumed he was in a carriage of his own. The he blacked out.
When Darren regained consciousness he was lying face down being knocked about by his surroundings. He wasn’t tied up and as far as he could tell there wasn’t any guards in the carriage with him. He turned round and sat up on one of the chairs, quietly. He could hear the snoring of someone on the back of the carriage and the carriage driver was whistling tunelessly.
Darren brought his bleary eyes to the window and saw nothing but farms and hills. The sky was clear and the new sun shone brightly. He didn’t dare to stick his head out the window and alert anyone he was awake. What he had to do now was figure out what has happened to him and what to do next.
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Last edited by Gallant on Wed Mar 25, 2009 6:26 pm; edited 2 times in total
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Mon Feb 16, 2009 8:47 pm Post subject: |
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huh.
That's interesting. Wasn't expecting the magic bit. I wonder why he didn't just do that earlier? Sure it takes a lot out of him, but he was in a bad situation.
And i wonder how he managed to hear the words "Stand aside unless you want blasted too" and somehow didn't make the connection of getting away from the door, even if the words aren't directed at him.
Anyways, for the DP, i think it should have nothing at all to do with the mirror. Just more coincidental bad luck. Say there's some sort of organization that hunts down magic-users for the "Greater Good" (except for the ones who join of course). Could be religious, or could just do it to gain power by either gaining the knowledge of those captured or by draining them directly (in which case they would pretend to be religious or humanitarian.)
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Feb 18, 2009 12:38 am Post subject: |
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If they've been tearing the home apart, one can assume they've got the mirror too. His brother is in another carriage. All he can really do at this stage is listen and see if he can learn what is happening around him, or see if he can glean anything from any conversation he hears.
Good stuff!
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 4:38 am Post subject: |
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Now I just read this through again from the top with the Head Eater hat on, and I'm glad that I did, because there was a lot I forgot since the first chapter went up in November.
First up, there is the prologue suggesting that the mirror has a 'little sister', and this is hinted at again when the old man hands the sword over to Darren. (when he explains it is disguised as a large sword and a small dagger)
So the dagger is intriguing, since it hasn't featured in the story yet. Having re-read chapter 1 I am now not so surprised that Darren can do magic, since it was he who called the meeting with the old man to receive the sword, and did seem to know something about what he was getting, although we still don't know why. Additionally the way his voice 'made the icicles quiver' was a nice touch.
I also suspect that the 3 thugs in the forest were also magical, Scruff perhaps having taken the form of the squirrel Darren saw before they arrived.
Since there has been such a long gap between chapters, one thing you might want to consider doing is sticking a short synopsis at the beginning of each chapter as you go forward, now. This will help hook in new readers and keep your story fresh in the minds of your current readers. Take a look at Scissorkitty's Eterna Familia or my own Magician's Touch for examples.
To the chapters themselves:
Your scenes are very well done. There is a good feel of time and space in this world.
| Quote: | | Jamie had lit an old candle with the smallest of wicks flickering in a pool of wax. |
Lovely!
| Quote: | | Turning in frustration he discovered it was not a branch or bramble that had caught him. But a man. |
This was good too.
The following passage was a little clunky though:
| Quote: | Darren lifted himself from his bed, now fully alert and still dressed. Darren walked to the door. It still thumped and as he drew closer he began to hear some sort of argument between two people outside. He was now close enough to press his ear against the door. It had stopped thumping.
“Stand aside unless you want blasted too!” |
It wasn't really clear what was thumping here, or what the voice outside was talking about. Probably could have merged the first two sentences, too to make it 'flow' better. Darren lifted himself from his bed and, fully alert and dressed, moved towards the door.
The way Darren interacted with each of the characters throughout the two chapters was very good. In particular, his relationship with his younger brother was very good - Jamie came across very well. I think the way you showed the two sides of Darren's life was well done.
Your opening scene in Chapter 1 was great. I could feel the tension between Darren and the old man, and the cold was vivid. However, watch your POV. There are a few times where you are jumping from the mind of one character to the other. Here's an example:
| Quote: | | “I told you before old man, my way of handling shady dealings like this is my own business, and you would do well to keep to your own.” This abruptness caused a short but bitter silence between the man and Darren. “Well then, show me it!” Darren’s raised voice and impatience made the icicles on the trees quiver. The man stood unfaltering and pulsed confidence. |
Here we are in Darren's head, watching this unfaltering, confident looking man. But suddenly:
| Quote: | | The cold shook him more than this young wannabes impudence he thought. The cheek of it all. These were hard times indeed if he was reduced to delivering simple treasures to ungrateful, runny nosed brats. |
we're catapulted into the man's mind, and back again, as he pulls out the sword | Quote: | | how he hid it from view Darren would never know |
Try to keep it from one POV - Darren might not know exactly what the man is thinking, but he could probably infer from his expression and body language roughly what his thoughts are, just as he could with the confidence.
It happens again later on where we find outselves inside Scruff's head, learning that he's unhappy that he doesn't get his share of the stash, although this is played out later in the argument between the three thugs.
The only other general fault I could find with this was the narrative grammar. For example:
| Quote: | | If it wasn’t for his gargantuan beer-gut you would of thought the cold would give him something like hypothermia. |
would have
| Quote: | | he wouldn’t of woke up |
He wouldn't have woken
You need to go through both chapters and just tighten up points like this that have slipped through the net.
Well this all sounds rather a lot, but don't worry!
To summarise, it's a good story, it has intrigue, and the world and characters you are creating is becoming vivid.
The only area you need to tweak for promotion would be the narrative grammar.
The other points are something to think about as you write the next chapters - which I hope we will be seeing plenty of soon.
This is promising to be a good SG. Hope this helps!
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Gallant
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| Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 6:16 pm Post subject: |
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Hey CF, thank you so much. This is the kind of attention to detail I crave.
I'm absolutley sure that I'll put a lot of work into this story. I've been wanting to try and test my creative skills for a long time and I think I have a shot at impressing myself! This is just me being vein for your flattery, but after I (hopefully) get a few more posts and suggestions I'll put up the poll. I'm getting the aches to write though.
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| Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 10:23 pm Post subject: |
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Greetings all. My first decision point suggestion... I'm so giddy!
I of course had to choose this story as my first as Gallant was the first person I've really met so far from this site. (I bothered him for like an hour in City of IF's chat program, The Inn.
I'm very late, only having just arrived, but I'd like to state my opinions on the hypotheses presented by the others as well -
I too believe the thugs were mythical or supernatural of some sort. There weren't any allusions suggesting Ryza was capable of assuming multiple forms, or at least I did not pick up on any or remember if I did, but the other two were obviously polyformed. Meat was the tree Darren was snagged by and Scruff was the cute and cuddly nut-guarding squirrel. If these assumptions were not intended by the writer, then this coincidal theory is one hell of an accidental narrative, I'd say.
About the daughter mirror (assuming the "daughter" of the magical mirror is a mirror as well) - I don't understand how something can assimilate the visage of two things at once - a magnificent sword and a dull dagger. Maybe (and this being far more likely, especially since the common consensus is that the sword is in fact the mirror disguised, and the group's consensus dictates the story's progression) the sword is the parent mirror, and the daughter dagger is separate and is located somewhere else entirely. Then again, this is a magical world you have concocted and two things can have more than one form. If the hype is correct about the shapeshifting bandits, this is indeed a fact. Also, maybe Scruff's knife was the daughter? I'm just shooting at all the targets here. Just because we're looking for a dagger and a dagger happens to show up doesn't mean it's the item of interest.
Oh, there was a criticism about Darren not demonstrating his magic until the last moment, not surprisingly during Chapter 2 after someone (can't remember who) suggested he had magical powers. It's a common trend in mage/wizard archetypes to wait until the last second or to use magic only when there is no other option. Lay off. My only question is how Darren has acquired these powers being so young. Maybe in this reality magic is more common and does not require a dedication of one's life? EDIT - After being tipped off I've learned that Darren's magic is intertwined with the weather, which is why he waited until it rained. I haven't had time to reread that scene on account of people busying me in "The Inn", but I will research and comprehend this concept more soon.
I'm pretty sure that's all I wanted to say about others' ideas. Hopefully I haven't forgotten anything. LOL Now, for my actual suggestion(s); my own idea(s) -
1. As someone has already hinted at, maybe the visitors are some kind of magic-user hunter/recruiter? This leads us to why they want to exterminate (at least the uncooperating) or recruit/enslave. This also makes me ponder how they discovered Darren. One of the visitors utilized magic, so maybe he can sense magic? But why wouldn't this group have located Darren before. The demonstration of magic Darren executed was certainly not his first. And he seems to retain a stable life in the village/town, so he wasn't eluding them by any means. Maybe they just didn't want him until now for some reason? Huh... This thought wasn't completely original. I guess I should of put this above. Oh well. I'm too lazy to cut/paste.
2. Hmmmm... Another possibility is these guys are somehow affiliated with the goons. Either Scruff or Ryza squealed and their buddies want revenge. But friends of these thick headed types wouldn't call for kidnapping, would it? They'd just slit his throat. And, why would an educated magic-user affiliate with the Three Stooges anyway? Then again, if our hypotheses of them being magical shapeshifter were correct, their friendship, or aqquaintanceship by the very least, would make sense, wouldn't it?
3. I'm tired and I'm running low on soda-supplied caffein so I'm going to formulate just one more half-baked idea. It is a very simple, but very effective, plot-mover. The visitors somehow sensed the mirror-blade. As frank as that.
As to where these three possible antagonists take Darren (and possibly is brother as well), I cannot generate any ideas. Or maybe I can and I'm just too lazy and tired to.
Quick not to Gallant - so far it is a great story and an entertaining read. There are a few grammatical errors that the other more wordsy members have pointed out *cough* Crunchyfrog *cough*. However, they are all miniscule and do not impede the flow whatsoever. I cannot wait until the next chapter is written so I can see how your story unfolds.
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| Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2009 8:09 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, I'd just like to say cheers to somecyberperson for the satisfyingly extensive comment. I liked what you said.
If another comment doesn't show up in a couple of days I'll do a synopsis of the suggestions then make a poll assuming no one has anything more to say. My fingers are itching, I have a few good ideas for this!
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| Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 6:51 pm Post subject: |
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WEll, I'd like to put up my suggestion just i time. (Oh no! Noni is actually reading again! ) I can't really tell what the dp is, I'm guessing it's why they took him/what's going on. here's my suggestions
Rather then taking him for the greater good thing suggested above, they take him in order to get him to join.
They aren't after him. It just seems like they are. They're after his little brother for some strange reason, and they only knew his name.
Hope these help. As for grammar and such mistakes, nothing really popped out at me, so you're doing well!
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| Posted: Mon Feb 23, 2009 4:29 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, so here's out suggestion synopsis:
1/ The intruders are from a secret organisation that 'hunts' magic users.
2/ The intruders are from a secret organisation that 'recruits' magic users.
3/ The intruders are in search of the mirror.
4/ The intruders are there in consequence to what happened in the forest with the three thugs.
Anything I've missed?
Because you better tell me quick, polls up tommorow!
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| Posted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 4:14 pm Post subject: |
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Polls up!
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| Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2009 7:51 am Post subject: |
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The carriage came to a rest and Darren heard feet crunch across the gravely path. He sat back, away from the door, preparing himself for what may enter. Metal squeaked and clicked as the door unlatched. Light filled the room which dazzled Darren, then entered an old man. He pulled himself up without assistance so it was obvious he was far from frail. But when his eyes met Darren’s, his power became undeniable. This was a man that spent his entire life focusing manna of the world into obscure evocations and subtle omens. When he shut the door behind him, the room was still as bright as when it was open.
The gray old man hunkered in his robes and glared at Darren through hair and beard. His facial features were almost indistinguishable, apart from his eyes. They glowed a powerful blue. His scraggly hair stuck out at odd ends, and despite his age there was more black than grey or white. Despite his rough appearance, his very presence was tangible. If he didn’t have all that archaic power he would look like nothing more than a hobo.
“So… Darren. I am under the assumption you have something. Something of far more value than you think you know.” His voice was deep, it rumbled like thunder.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Darren knew he was talking about the mirror. He prayed that they didn’t get through the second enchantment. He questioned himself why he would still be here if they did.
“You know fine well what I’m talking about. Stop playing around with archology far beyond your grasp and give it up. I have no influence on what will happen to you and your brother. All I know is that once they have the mirror you and I will be free to do as we wish.”
“You’re a captive?”
“No, I’m just under their… Leverage.”
“Who are they anyway?”
“They are a fairly new… society…”
“Society? What do they do?”
“They fight for a better existence. Much like everyone else is in this world. Now I can’t and won’t tell you anymore, I’m asking the questions. Stop playing dumb, where have you hidden the mirror?”
“I don‘t have it!. As you said, you have me and my brother. Do you really think I would put my only family at risk?”
“People have done much worse in search of the mirrors…”
“…Mirrors?”
The wizard fumbled about in his robes and pulled out a plain, slightly rusted looking dagger. It had a wooden hilt and the metal was tarnished beyond the point of polishing. He through it on Darren’s lap in a way as not to cut him.
“I have already disenchanted the illusion on that sword of yours. A trick to fool your friends maybe? An unsuspecting merchant?”
“I was planning on selling it. You know, times are hard these days.”
“You do know that the amount of manna used to keep such an enchantment would be far more expensive than any sword, however well adorned with jewels. I know you aren’t a wizard, we have ways to sense these things. Who have you been in contact with recently?”
“No one, it’s just been me and my bro-”
“Enough! I am too busy a person to be forced to deal with peasants! Please realise that you cannot lie to me. If you insist I will be forced to use other methods to extract the information I require.”
The eyes of the wizard burned blue and he held out his palm. Tiny flames began to dance around his hand and come together in the middle. Soon a very hot and very bright fireball was resting in his fingers. The wizard began to sweat. Something was wrong. He actually looked like he was in pain, as if the fire was burning his hand. The fireball began to spin and the faster it spun the brighter it became. Darren shielded his eyes, still clutching the dagger that was thrown at him.
“You better run!” There was panic in the old mans voice.
“What? Why?”
“Something is wrong, there’s too much energy. I can’t control it. I can shield myself but when this goes off there won’t be much left to look at.”
The carriage guards were hanging around beside the doors, wondering what the hell was going on inside.
“…Damn it!”
Darren burst open the door, one of the guards went to draw his weapon but was quickly stopped due to a foot in his face. Lewis must of heard the commotion outside and a few metres away he popped his head out the other carriages window.
“Darren!”
“Let’s go, now!”
Lewis instinctively clambered through the window and leapt onto Darren’s back. For some reason the guards weren’t chasing them yet, but they would have been better off if they had. A shockwave boomed out from where Darren was once captive. Some of the guards were knocked over, both Darren and Lewis’s ears were ringing but the carriages were still intact. He let Lewis down and they turned around to see what had happened. Then the wind changed and it felt like they were being sucked back towards the carriages.
The sun dimmed as clouds overhead rolled past. The light from the carriage was still as bright as ever and then just as the last guard was finished collecting himself… BOOM!
Fire, wood and bits of men flew outwardly in all directions. Darren and Lewis were knocked back a few feet and a spoke from one of the wheels hit Lewis hard on the head. A mushroom cloud billowed forth from the smouldering crater which was left behind.
Darren tried to get up but fell the first two times. He couldn’t hear a thing from the explosion and seeing was hard from all the dust. He found his brother on the ground, his eyes were closed and he had a long, bloody gash from where the wheel spoke had collided with the left side of his head, just above the ear.
Guards from the leading carriage which was further ahead piled out and began running down. They might have been shouting something but Darren couldn’t read lips. He didn’t even think to check his brother for any other wounds and just picked him up and ran down the road.
His lungs burned, whenever he looked back there were guards just slightly further away. He ran hard, clutching his brother and the dagger ever tighter. Eventually the scenery began to change, rolling hills turned into highlands. Bush turned into patched forest. Darren didn’t know what propelled him, by all rights he should of collapsed long ago.
Soon enough he stopped. He trudged over, panting uncontrollably to a flat rock on which he lay Lewis down. He took a step back and leaned on a nearby, solitary tree and then he was sick. After he regained his strength he stood up straight and looked around. Worry began to set in. He wasn’t worried about the fact he had no idea where he was, but the fact that there didn’t seem to be any civilisation around, it was getting dark and his brother needed a cleric urgently.
“I don’t know about you Lewis, but I think I’ve got us into deeper water than I can tread.”
Darren took a seat beside his brother and leaned into his knees. It was early spring and the sky was clear. The light of day passed and a bitter night swooped in. Before long Darren found himself curled up on the rock beside his brother. He didn’t sleep.
As he lay awake, listening to the stillness of the dark, he was still unaware that they were being watched. High on a bluff across the valley sat three restless ghouls. They sat on stools outside a cave with a little door eating shreds of raw mutton. Unlike most ghouls, these did not have a master to serve, which made them particularly unique.
“Hey, Jordan! Look o’or there! It’s a couple ‘o boys!” The first ghoul didn’t have the sharpest eyes, but he could see the best in the dark.
“Oh aye… Why ye ‘hink there aw the way oot here?” Jordan was the biggest of the three, his muscular body was thanks to all the farming and hard work he did when he was alive.
“A dinnae know but ye ‘hink they’re awright? A mean, a know we cannae feel the cauld but a still know it’s cauld. A mean look at ma dinner! It’s nearly froze!”
“So whit if there cauld Sean? Whit’s it got tae do wae us?”
“Am jist sayin’ is all… Ross… Ross!” Sean picked up a bone with bits of flesh still attached and struck the third ghoul on the head. “Wake up ya daft bugger ye. A need yer opinion.”
“Whit the hell man!? A was sleepin’!”
“Does it look like a give a shit? A wanted tae know if ye ‘hink they two o’or there are cauld?” Sean pointed a bony finger at the two brothers across the valley.
“Ye know what a think, a think ye should go o’or there an see fir yersel’. Tha’s whit a ‘hink. Now leave me in peace… A was up aw day an now a need some kip.”
“Ye know, yer not exactly alive anymore… Ye don’t actually need tae sleep…”
“A know, but there are some luxuries I still enjoy!”
“Whatever, Jordan, want tae come with?”
“Aye sure, there’s nout else tae do in these godforsaken hills…”
The undead pair started clambering down the valley. They were in surprisingly good condition for being deceased. Their skin was untarnished apart from the usual pale and pasty all undead seem to inherit. They had all of their limbs and even most of their hair. Jordan and Ross still wore shoes, but Sean had been walking about bare footed since before he kicked the metaphorical bucket.
They didn’t need to but they still wore clothes, apart from the odd splashing of sheep’s blood they actually looked pretty well dressed. Sean wore baggy green shorts and a plain white t-shirt. Jordan was clad in a denim trousers accompanied with a black t-shirt that read ‘Fuck Magic!’ hand sewn in red across the back.
When they reached the river at the bottom they leaped over it with relative ease and began their climb up the next hill. Soon enough the duo had traversed the valley and were now only twenty metres down the road. Both of them kept care not to be heard, Jordan’s boots didn’t help much so he hung back a bit while Sean took a closer look.
Lewis was shivering and Darren was trying his best to keep him warm. He had even taken off his jacket for him but because of this he was suffering himself. Frost began to form on the grass around them which glittered in the moonlight. Sean stepped slowly forward, keeping each foot light as to not make too much of a crunch.
Sean waved Jordan closer who, although not for lack of effort, stomped noisily up to Sean. Jordan bent his ear down to Sean’s mouth so they could whisper.
“What do ye ‘hink? The smaller wan looks in a bad way but the biggun’ll get frost bite if he’s no careful.”
“Aye, so they are cauld. Let’s go back now.”
“What? Why? We need tae help em, maybe make a fire or sumthin’.”
“You crazy? That’ll jist give him another weapon tae try an’ get us!”
Sean let out a sigh and rubbed his chin.
“Well we can’t jist sit and watch em freeze…”
“Exactly right, let’s go back an’ finish dinner then.”
“Wait… Lemme ‘hink…”
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| Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2009 4:38 pm Post subject: |
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I think they should let them freeze, or at least get real close. That way our main character can pass on his story to the undead, obviously the true main characters of this storygame.
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| Posted: Fri Mar 06, 2009 7:15 pm Post subject: |
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I think the ghouls should get into a big fight, and only, I think Sean (can't be arsed to look it up) stays with the boys, while the younger brother dies (insert frowny face). The ghoul will take the older one's role as companion and the story shall BEGIN! I thought how the ghouls talked was funny.
1 more thing, when the wizard threw the dagger in the boys lap, you spelled it through, which is the wrong way, other than that i wasn't really looking
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| Posted: Sat Mar 07, 2009 6:13 am Post subject: |
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Damn, I'm pretty bad for those stupid little mistakes. It's just because I'm not concentrating.
Interesting suggrestions, I'll wait for at least two more people then I'll shove up a poll.
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| Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 9:15 am Post subject: |
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Okay, some good stuff there.
In particular I think you handled the explosion very well - good visuals, the backdraught of air and the exploding bits of bodies was a nice touch.
A few techie bits...
| Gallant wrote: | | The carriage came to a rest and Darren heard feet crunch across the gravely path. He sat back, away from the door, preparing himself for what may enter. Metal squeaked and clicked as the door unlatched. Light filled the room which dazzled Darren, then entered an old man. |
I had to read this twice - I'm not sure 'room' is the right word here...
But other than that it was a great opening paragraph.
| Quote: | | “You know fine well what I’m talking about. Stop playing around with archology far beyond your grasp and give it up. |
Archaeology?
| Quote: | | He through it on Darren’s lap in a way as not to cut him. |
threw (edit to add) oops, Reasoner caught this one!
| Quote: | | Lewis must of heard the commotion outside |
Graghh! you've done it again! Must have...
There was some confusion about the point of view here.
| Quote: | When they reached the river at the bottom they leaped over it with relative ease and began their climb up the next hill. Soon enough the duo had traversed the valley and were now only twenty metres down the road. Both of them kept care not to be heard, Jordan’s boots didn’t help much so he hung back a bit while Sean took a closer look.
Lewis was shivering and Darren was trying his best to keep him warm. He had even taken off his jacket for him but because of this he was suffering himself. Frost began to form on the grass around them which glittered in the moonlight. Sean stepped slowly forward, keeping each foot light as to not make too much of a crunch.
Sean waved Jordan closer who, although not for lack of effort, stomped noisily up to Sean. Jordan bent his ear down to Sean’s mouth so they could whisper.
“What do ye ‘hink? The smaller wan looks in a bad way but the biggun’ll get frost bite if he’s no careful.” |
The first paragraph we're with the Ghouls. But in the second, we're with Lewis, feeling how cold he is. And then back to the Ghouls again.
It's fairly subtle, but think about how to express what the Ghouls are seeing. You are already doing it in their conversation, describing the "big 'un and the little 'un".
Alright, so for the DP. Well we've suddenly moved away from the big mystery of the mirror to the impish nature of the ghouls. I hope that part of the plot returns too!
The old man, the wizard, said he'd already disenchanted the sword, so I am assuming that the guy who took it from Darren's house now knows that he has the mirror. Shame the wizard died in the explosion, he would have been a useful ally. Still, Darren has the dagger, and I guess he'd want to recover the larger part of the mirror.
Have the ghouls seen the dagger yet? Doesn't seem like it, and they've not mentioned the explosion. Being ghouls can they actually pick up anything solid? What if they try to attract Darrens attention? They may end up scaring the living daylights out of him. So yeah, make a commotion or something. wake him up.
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| Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 1:40 pm Post subject: |
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Congratulationssss on the promotion of thisss sssstorygame.
Ssstrive as you have done and you will go far but beware, for a sssslip in sssstandardssss may resssult in demotion and the devouring of sssskulls. 
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Heads.
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Gallant
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| Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2009 10:19 am Post subject: |
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Oh! I gots teh promoshunz!
Sorry, I like Lolcat. Anyway, thanks for your comments CF, I'll go back and change it because I think it'll fit better. I'll go over my spelling too, seems I slipped up in a few places. I'll stick the poll up now, I don't think anyone else has anything new to say.
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Bold as brass.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 3:52 am Post subject: |
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When you put up a poll, bump your blimmin' thread!
...and voted!
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Gallant
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| Posted: Mon Mar 23, 2009 5:35 am Post subject: |
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Could everyone vote again please, something went a bit funny with that poll. Sorry.
There was only like two people that had voted anyway.
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Gallant
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| Posted: Mon Mar 23, 2009 6:17 pm Post subject: |
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Righto, seems this threads losing activaty. 
I had to use one of my votes to break the tie, conflict was the winner. I'll have the chapter up within a couple of days.
Apologies for the double posting.
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scissorkitty
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| Posted: Wed Mar 25, 2009 5:40 am Post subject: |
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Okay.. hold on. I have one question- and it's highly possible that I'm just reading "stupid" and can't find my own answer..
did Jaime's name change to Lewis back there, somewhere?
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......back and forth.....
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scissorkitty
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| Posted: Wed Mar 25, 2009 9:40 am Post subject: |
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I forgot to add.. i absolutely LOVE the helpful Ghouls!
I think Sean and his undead brother should stay hidden for the time being, but perhaps shout a question from behind some shelter.. something offering aid, but explaining that they (Sean and co) might be a little.. different from the usual sort of villager.
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......back and forth.....
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Gallant
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| Posted: Wed Mar 25, 2009 6:28 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah sorry about that, I've made the apropriate changes. Next chapter up in a couple of days!
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The Meaning Of Fear
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| Posted: Wed Mar 25, 2009 11:57 pm Post subject: |
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Is it just me or are those ghouls British? 
I seriously regret not coming here sooner. Very interesting from the start, and the writing itself is quite good as well. I can't help but think the fireball-being-too-powerful was a tiny bit unlikely, and that some of the characters are a bit too chatty for people in a fight, but those don't really matter.
Missed the poll, sadly, but you can bet that I'll be here for the next one!
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Cherish all your memories, even the bad ones, for they are what makes you who you are.
Doors to the truth, an SG where a boy is propelled into worlds he is unfamiliar with. He crosses many worlds, and sees many things that force him to throw away his innocence, once, and for all. Fourth Chapter, out for viewing!
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Fenris
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| Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 1:37 pm Post subject: |
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Don't have any suggestions of yet but thought I'd let you know you have a new reader in your circle 
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 9:08 am Post subject: |
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They're Scottish, Meany. As is Gallant.
I just read this too. You still about, Gall?
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