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Jseme
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 Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 4:37 pm Post subject: As Steel Sharpens Steel-Chapter 2 |
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Chapter One- Unexplained Surprises
Agoris stretched his fingers outward, turning his palms to the sky in the process. A yawn escaped, forcing his mouth agape. Desperately, he opened his eyes from his slumber.
The sun stared from behind wispy clouds at Agoris. Its heat was pleasant and welcoming against his pale skin. He felt a breeze dance across his skin, and the aroma of nature seeping up through his nostrils.
He simply lay on his back looking up.
“What the hell happened?” he thought.
He searched his memory banks for explanation, but found he remembered little at all. His name was Agoris, son to Lasius of Talpi. His childhood felt intact, and even most of his memories, although seemingly distant, were there, yet he had no ideas of where he was, or how he ended up there.
Lacking muscle aches and fatigue, Agoris felt quite well. The bothersome pain in his leg even seemed duller than usual, almost as if healed. His whole body seemed relaxed, yet to Agoris this felt like uninvited bliss.
Pushing off the ground, Agoris stood to examine his surroundings. Trees outlined the meadow, forming a protective barrier. The grasses rose knee high, luscious greens and reds, and wildflowers dotted the open area. It was surreal to stand in the middle of such beauty, completely lost and unaware.
Frightened by uncertainty, he ran his fingers through his auburn hair, stopping only to tug at his scalp, as if attempting to awaken from a dream.
To his dismay, this was real.
He closed his eyes hoping
“Look and learn,” he heard his subconscious speak.
Before he could open his eyes, Agoris heard it. It was a deafening sound, piercing straight through him, and causing him to squeeze his eyes shut.
For the first time, Agoris trembled. In the face of the unknown, Agoris, champion of Ulna, felt tiny. He felt insignificant. Agoris clenched his eyes tighter, anticipating the sound.
Again, he heard a monstrous sound, almost as if a calling out to him. Deep and powerful, the sound rang out a third time. Agoris kept his eyes closed in fear.
As the sound continued on, Agoris, starting by controlling his breathing, calmed himself down. A racing heart began to slow, a tightened jaw loosened, and trembling knees straightened with power. Convinced he was capable of facing the unknown foe, he opened his eyes.
Everything was simply gone, replaced by only one man standing before Agoris. The bordering trees were gone, faded white. The grasses and flowers, once growing from the sweet meadow, were now also faded white. Everything that was, no longer existed, wiped clean by some force, only to be replaced with the man before him.
Frail and aged, the man wore a stained brown tunic, and in his left hand held a horn crafted of bone. Blue eyes shone from beneath the hood, bright and unforgiving. He stared intently at Agoris. A smirk emerged.
“Afraid to open your eyes, and see the truth?” he spoke.
“Who are you?” Agoris replied.
“The reason you’re still alive. Now listen, if you can in fact shut that mouth of yours.”
Agoris’ anger flared, “Excuse me? Do you know who I am?”
The old man snarled at those words. Clearly, he resented such an affront to his wisdom.
“Have it your way,” the old man said plainly. He raised his free, wrinkled hand out and muttered inaudibly. A pedestal appeared in front of them. Upon it sat a blue, glowing crystal. Agoris, in awe, looked the gem over before returning his gaze to the mysterious stranger.
The old man nodded toward the stone. “Go home, fight your wars, and continue on until we meet again?”
He turned his back to Agoris, taking a few steps. Suddenly he peered over his shoulder, “Or, follow me to glory, and live forever.”
With that the old man continued to walk away.
Agoris stood in shock. This world scared him in a way the real world never had, yet felt strange and unnatural. He reached for the blue crystal, but paused right before touching it. A twisted look appeared on his face as he rushed to decide what to do...
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Sorry if this seems a little short, but I felt it conveyed everything I wanted it to without being extensive. So, I stuck with it as it is.
So onward to DP discussion...
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Last edited by Jseme on Thu Nov 11, 2010 7:05 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Emperor
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 5:19 pm Post subject: |
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Well I think he should take the crystal and follow the old man. Glory and immortality are surely more palatable than an unspoken threat of "...until we meet next again."
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 5:27 pm Post subject: |
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Apparently he's a bit intimidated by this gentleman. Perhaps he should decline and take the gem.
I absolutely loved this start, Jseme! A great way to come out swinging on your first storypost on IF. It really did everything right, remained vague, but keeps us guessing and intrigued to read on. And I didn't see any grammatical issues.
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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Jseme
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 5:37 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks TB! I tried to wait for the right idea to come into mind for my first SG. I'm more a linear writer, so I'm gonna try my best.
As for the crystal Emperor, I meant it to be a "key" of sorts. To represent the way home for Agoris. Sorry for the confusion on that.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 6:16 pm Post subject: |
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A very good start, Jseme! 
From Agoris's point of view, it is a difficult choice to make, as the old man is very vague about the outcome of either choice. Yes, he might gain glory and immortality, but what will he have to do to gain them. Same with going back, what awaits him there? Danger seemingly, but who knows.
If I was Agoris, such questions would be swimming around in my head, making it very hard to come to a decision. And also, is the decision that is made final? If he chooses to follow the old man, will he be able to change his mind later, and return home?
I'm going to say follow him either way. Despite his earlier fear, he gives the impression of being a warrior, though that is just my opinion. I think, given a little time to think, that is the path he would choose.
Well done! I look forward to chapter 2!
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 8:10 pm Post subject: |
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Detail-wise, there's a lot of really good stuff. But I don't really know much about the character or the setting. I'm assuming it's some sort of Roman-esque sort of thing, or perhaps a Barbarian tribe sort of thing... but I really don't know. And, as far as the old man goes- how common is magic? Are there wizards where he comes from? Is magic normal, divine, or occult?
If he's arrogant, he'd want to follow the old man.
If he's cautious, he'd take the crystal, and gather more info in between now and the next encounter.
If he's suspicious, he might walk away in the other direction of the old man, just to see what would happen.
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Jseme
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| Posted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 2:43 am Post subject: |
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Thanks, to both of you.
Well, I sort of intended this chapter to be a tad vague. As for magic, its a common element of Ulna, Agoris' home world. Wizards and the like exist readily, though the power of magic is typically limited amongst most users.
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 6:45 am Post subject: |
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An outstanding start!!!!! Seriously, brilliant writing!!!!
But I guess enough people have already said that! 
Anyway, as for what he should do, Taking the crystal seems the most "obvious" thing to do, but like Shillelagh said in a different way, it depends on the "character of the character" (I just coined that term! YAY!!!), and we don't know TOO MUCH about it.
Anyway (again), Ignoring the crystal might also lead to a good storyline.... depends on you're writing!
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| Posted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 8:01 am Post subject: |
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I liked the writing stile, but the content left me largely confused. Its Either that, or I understand what you've written, but it was just too quick for me.
What I understood from the chap is this :
We have a guy, who wakes up in a place not knowing how he got there. He has muscle aches and feels tired. He finds himself in a beautiful place, and tries to wake up from a dream, and to his dismay, its all real. He hears a deafening sound and closes his eyes. The sound comes twice more and he wakes up to find himself in a place surrounded by white, and the only person there is a man who can make things appear from no where
That's what i got out of it.
As per the DP, i guess i would follow the man. It seems to me that the man would be friendly, and I guess I we could use a friend who is magical. I'd also look around and see what else is there, for instance, on what are we standing? It's always helpful to have a idea of where you are.
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| Posted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 11:17 am Post subject: |
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A tantalising scene-setter, and some well crafted phrasing there, and subtle foreshadowing, too. For me it read well.
Perhaps he could be forgiven for thinking that he has died and reached the afterlife - the pain of an old injury dulled, the beauty of the meadow and trees, and then everything fading to white.
Well, I think all the obvious choices have been taken - follow the man, don't follow the man, follow the man with the crystal, or take a look around.
I am not sure this character would blindly follow the man in these completely white surroundings, but what other choice is there? The man suggested that the only other choice was to go back to his own world and nodded at the gem when he said so, meaning that the gem is the way back home. What the man also said was 'go back and fight your wars until we meet again'... I want to know what brought him here in the first place. Perhaps examining the gem might give him a clue.
If he picks up the gem he might be transported back home immediately.,
So I say, take a look at the gem, but don't touch it!
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| Posted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 10:11 pm Post subject: I think..... |
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This may just be me, and I'm sure it is, but I feel the lack of descriptiveness leaves me wanting. I love the concept, and it seems like a good story. It has been pointed out in my writeing that I may be too descriptive to the point of making little sense, so I wouldn't take me too seriously on that.
I also noted you misspelled Intact, it's one word, not two.
As for the DP, call me cautious, but I'd grab the crystal and head home. I find little interest in imortality, and if our hero enjoys the life he's lived up til now, I'd be content with continueing on liveing it. Again as previously staed, I could do with a little more character BG before making a hard decission.
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| Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 2:30 am Post subject: |
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Well this first chapter sure has stirred up plenty of comments, many rightly praising this start.
I perhaps am a little disappointed as I made the mistake of reading most of the comments first, then reading the chapter. From some of the comments I was expecting to be blown away by the awesomeness of the chapter, and whilst it is certainly good it didn't live up to the expectations I'd foolishly built up. No fault of your own though Jseme
I personally feel that it ramped up nicely, good detail, good balance of narative and description. But then, as everything went white, things sped up considerably and you lost some of that elegant pacing making the ending a bit too obscure. So much so, that the seemingly obvious idea of this being the afterlife didn't even occur to me (Crunchy's comment hadn't been added before I read the chapter).
Crunchy's comment does resonate with me though - it does seem very afterlife-ish. That would go on to suggest to me he's being given the choice of 'returning' perhaps as some kind of spirit/ghost if he feels his 'business' is still unfinished in the world of the living (which means he'll see the old man again soon, once he's ready to 'pass on') or he can leave that behind and enter Heaven/Valhalla/Flying Spaghetti Monster's lair now.
I'm curious as to what brought him here so I'm going to vote for going home. See if we get some more information and answers.
Welcome to the Fantasy Forest.
Happy Writing
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| Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 4:37 am Post subject: |
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Keeping that in mind as I reread it, I can definitely see what you mean Smee. I'll have to focus on my pacing with the next chapter to avoid that. Thanks!
Thanks Pope, I'll fix that real quick.
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| Posted: Thu Nov 04, 2010 5:10 am Post subject: |
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Edited: The POLL is up
Hey everyone! Just wanted to say i`m looking to put up the poll either later today or tomorrow!
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| Posted: Fri Nov 05, 2010 4:13 am Post subject: |
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Steel Sharpens Steel is polling, folks!
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Jseme
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| Posted: Mon Nov 08, 2010 1:36 pm Post subject: |
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The poll will close on WEDNESDAY so get your votes in!!!
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| Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 3:48 pm Post subject: |
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ok i just want to comment on this even thought the poll is up.
i liked it as a whole though that might change depending on the outcome.
i am a religious person so my first thought was this:
is this man a devil tricking the character into something sinister? (my guess personally)
or is he an angel offering a life in heaven? (i think this is unlikely if u go on his demeanor)
anyway good start Jsme!
ps dont worry about hurrying the chapter too much-many can attest to the fact that i do that often. ur not alone!!!!
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| Posted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 5:12 am Post subject: |
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The poll is closed, and it seems that Agoris will follow the old man! I'll start working now on the new chapter
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| Posted: Thu Nov 11, 2010 7:04 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter 2: Help Is Relative
Agoris looked intently at the glowing gem before him, admiring its sapphire hue. He tried to imagine how such a beautiful, simple stone could be the key to his return home, but quickly discarded such inquires.
Agoris shifted away from the pillar, and began trailing the mysterious man. He knew how he was going to decide without needing to think. He no longer belonged to that world. A man without honor is only a wandering stain.
“Slow down.” Agoris called out. The old man ahead seemed to move rapidly, despite his age and appearance.
In response, the man slowed to a halt. Turning to face his follower, he spoke.
“I see you took little time in making your decision. Are you ignorant, or only a quick thinker? I doubt one of those answers.”
“I act for my own reasons, old man.”
Chuckling, the aged man nodded. Without warning he raised both hands; his left toward Agoris, his right against his own forehead. Strange sounds fell from his mouth, causing a slight shiver to strike Agoris. The mumbling continued.
Out of his right hand, a stream of green flame emerged. Wrapping around him like a snake, it engulfed Agoris. He felt no burn, but rather a cooling sensation. As the flame danced around and around, he began to feel dizzy.
Such a magnificent shade of green, he thought.
Nonsense words still flowed out of the mages mouth, and with each new chant the fire grew tighter. Moments passed, until the flame touched Agoris’ skin. Pain shot into his head. His body felt light, and unusually distant.
Then everything went dark. The darkness surrounded him, until images began to fill his sight; images of a man, a woman, and the echoes of screams. Then he felt the pain of that argument gone wrong, and the blood that covered his hands.
Anger filled Agoris, and the memories kept coming. Eventually, it was too much. Pain superseded the magic, and Agoris drifted to a complete slumber.
--------------------------------------
An aroma of beautiful spices worked their way up his nostrils, tantalizing every receptor. He rolled his head about his neck a few times. The smell refused to back off, tempting him to wake. To add to the already overwhelming smell, a new scent emerged. A thicker, less enjoyable smell; something was burning.
Agoris sprung from his slumber, again to awake somewhere new, yet this time he felt more comfortable.
He lay upon a soft bed at the rear of the room. Bookshelves lined most of the walls, overflowing with tomes and bound books. A small dining area was set aside at the opposite end of the room. Against the only wall clear of a bookshelf, a large workbench was present. At this bench sat the old man, staring at his glass instruments, and current experiment.
The warrior rolled quietly from bed, instantly taking a defensive stance. Instinct taught him to prepare before preparation was useless.
“What did you do to me? I damn well deserve an answer!” he screamed out.
The old man ignored him and continued to watch his experiment come to fruition. Bubbles filled odd tubes, and fumes escaped from designated releases. A crimson liquid at the end of the cycle ceased reacting and subsided to a yellowish tint.
“Answer me!” Agoris screamed once more.
Unaffected by the force of those words, the old man turned to approach him. His walk was slow, and careful.
“I brought you here to this place, my home if you wish to call it so. Gael is my name.”
Thoughts of confusion flashed about Agoris’ mind. Trying to understand what such a response meant, he took a more leisurely stand, and met the aged man’s blue eyes with equal fury.
“Explain.”
Clearing his throat, the old man prepared to speak. After pausing to gather his words, he began to explain himself.
“I am Gael. I was put here a long time ago by fellow mages who happened to believe differently than I. That matters not though, but my next words do. I will be honest; I need your help to escape this place.”
He continued on, “I require you to do a task for me, upon which I will give you what was promised.”
Enraged, Agoris knocked Gael to the ground as his fist met an aged cheekbone.
“You brought me here to use me??”
Using both hands, Gael returned to standing. All signs of happiness drained out of his face. Now, he stared at Agoris vengefully. Gael no longer sought to speak as friends.
“No. I gave you a choice you ungrateful swine. You made that choice and that leads to more choices. Welcome to the vicious circle of life warrior. I tried to be nice, but you couldn’t accept that. I need you to help me, and if not then we are both going to be stuck here together. I hope I dulled it down enough”
Is this really happening again? Agoris thought. Twice now I have been misguided into these blackmail situations.
“What need shall I fulfill?”
Gael left that question floating in the air, unanswered. Searching through his study, whilst knocking over scientific instruments and the like, he maintained the eerie silence. After a brief glance in his personal chest, he found a great tome and brought it before Agoris.
Dirty, the tome spread to reveal a scene of war. In the midst of the battle scene, a huge stone was afloat above most of the warriors. Gael pointed his wrinkled finger at it.
“That is the Stone of Tak’Alra. If you can acquire it, I can leave this place, and you can have what I promise, and even more if you make haste.”
Thoughts raced through Agoris’ conscious. I should have strayed from his offer, and went home. Too late now. Damn my desires. Now I have no choice in this matter.
“Before I agree to any of this, answer me this…”
-------------------------------
So for the DP I offer this much: one question can be asked before he departs. All will be explained in time mind you, but what do you think Agoris would demand to know before leaving?
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George R.R. Martin, you are forever my hero.
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Thu Nov 11, 2010 7:23 pm Post subject: |
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"How do I know I can trust you to fulfill our bargain?" n he should ask.stiqueIs the
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| Posted: Fri Nov 12, 2010 3:13 am Post subject: |
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| I would want to know what the Stone is, and why I - a mortal warrior - have to retrieve it, and why he, a powerful mage, can not.
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Fri Nov 12, 2010 3:39 am Post subject: |
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What will you be free from? Why can't you do it on your own? Got any hints on how to get to that?
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Ingrothechundyer
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| Posted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 10:27 am Post subject: |
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What did you do to warrant being exiled here?
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun Nov 28, 2010 9:28 pm Post subject: |
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Nice chapter... couldn't find anything to pick at here other than the basic characterization of this warrior is that of a bit of an overreactive ass but that seems to fit the way you've delivered it.
I agree with CF on the dp here... that would be the most important... more definition about this thing we're supposed to get. I'm a bit concerned he wants it for something more than escape as well, as some of the other suggestions seem to point at. Shame we only have time for one question...
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2010 2:43 am Post subject: I Think...... |
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I gotta do it, "What's for breakfast?" He was to tantelized by the small invaiding his nose, and he is a warrior, no? I'd say -food- comes first! He don't sound like the sharpest tool in the shed, so I can see him deffering to his more basic needs at this time, rather that wracking his brains for a deep, meaningful inquiry.
Short, but good chapter!
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tayfinch
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| Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 1:30 pm Post subject: |
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I'd ask for a detailed explanation of what the stone is, and how specifically it would free Gael and bestow upon me wordless power.
What Agoris would ask for is a much more elusive answer.
Honestly... I'm not getting very much from either of the characters. Agoris is a haughty, impulsive, possibly stupid jerk, and Gael is cryptic, maniacal, and likely insane.
I don't think Agoris would have agreed so quickly to help Gael if he'd had his wits about him. Considering Gael's already apparent habit of leaving pertinent information out of explanations, general manipulation, and a generally creepy nature, I can't imagine why Agoris would agree to help him. Unless, of course, he is that dumb or that greedy.
Well... all things considered, here's my vote:
"Tell me wizard, how will you make good on your word? I will do nothing for you until you tell me your plan."
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 6:54 pm Post subject: Next |
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I stand by my first thought, "What's for breakfast?" BUt I guess I should make a more practical suggestion to......*Sigh*
"How exactly do you expect me to do anything if I don't have all the information you can give me?"
Or somthin' like that. Y'know, how can I do my job if I don't know how? kinda thing!
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