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Thunderbird
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 Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 9:41 am Post subject: |
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Please wait patiently for my reply... things have been busy at work so my reading time has been slashed a lot... still trying to find some.
If you move on that's fine but my eventual comment IS inevitable... lol
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 2:50 pm Post subject: |
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This tale is continuing to be fab, Lil! Sorry it's taken me so long to get to it.
I'm really loving Sasha's determined, unwavering stubborness, even in the face of something/someone she fears. She refuses to be manipulated or do as she's told when it comes to these people (so far of course, though one wonders what lengths they will go to to get what they want). I'm still very much intrigued as to 'who' the Order of Eden are, and what they do. And now, what they want with Sasha, and Luke. Do they want Luke at all, or is he there merely because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time? Questions that I'm sure be answered soon enough, but until then are damn good for keeping readers hooked. Really good job! 
For the dp...I'm afraid I'm with Vikas and Vishal. I really think she needs to talk to Luke about what happened that night, or at least have a think about it herself, and try to get things sorted in her head, to remember what actually did happen and if she can recall anything of significance. Talking it through with Luke might actually help her to capture the memories better, so I'm going to go with that.
Really enjoying this, Lil! Keep up the good work! 
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
Last edited by Tikanni Corazon on Sun Nov 27, 2011 5:35 pm; edited 1 time in total
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| Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 1:53 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah, I would be waaaaay too curious to see how just running with things could play out here. I know we've painted the character as someone who really has a passion to make it in her business, but this seems a lot more interesting a lifestyle, wouldn't you say? So yeah, I'm with those who say wait and run with it and in the mean time discuss everything you know and can remember about how this happened to end up this way.
Thanks for waiting... sorry I didn't have anything new to offer though. Great read and getting better as the plot develops Lil. But there's something about how this is playing out that's disconnecting me from a sense of reality on it... not sure how you could work on that and I think its the challenge of all fantasy/sci-fi authors so its not a slam to mention it... just saying I would like to get a more realistic feel for the situation somehow. If there's something paranormal afoot, I'd think our character would NEED to have that fully explained - the creature... there were no questions about the goo really... and that would be the most mind-shattering experience about the whole thing so far. Those kinds of things just don't exist is what my mind would be shouting at myself over and over until it was somehow explained how and why it was suddenly there messing up my hotel!
_________________
CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Lilith
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2011 6:55 am Post subject: |
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Voted and Winning... 
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Vikas Muralidharan
Be sure to read HATE in Romance section
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2011 2:54 am Post subject: I think |
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Well, I just got caught up with this and I have to say it is very interesting!
There are a few stumble points, and one very confusing part having to do with the cat, but over all an excelent read!
I loved the blob, and all these girls seem particularly fem-dom meets fem-fatal, very interesting (Note: My sis loves it  )
Sorry I missed the suggestion phase, I can't wait for the next chappy!
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To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
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| Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 7:42 pm Post subject: |
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Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
Chapter 4: The Prodigal?
Sasha looked back at Luke, shaking her head slowly in response to his demand. “No, Lucas, I swear, I didn’t know… I… “ She sighed heavily and ran her hand over her face, leaning her back against the cold wall, the cold seeping into her bones it seemed. The business school graduate heard Luke sigh heavily and slowly move across the floor to sit beside her.
“I’m sorry that I exploded at you. But I need to know what’s going on here; I mean this is a little weird.” Luke ran his hand over the back of his neck and head, and then he winced. He pulled his hand away from the back of his skull and saw in the low light from the dim light bulb dangling from the ceiling that his fingers were covered in blood. He peered at it for a minute before groaning and leaning back against the wall. “The last thing I remember before waking up in here is being chased by some giant animated blob of acidic goo in the place that you’re trying to get a loan for.”
Sasha rubbed her face with both of her hands, trying to keep her torrential emotions under control, taking a deep breath and gripping her hands in one another tightly. “I… I only remember a little bit of it… but... just about ten years ago, when I was working the front desk for my mother, while dad was stationed overseas… this really strange woman paid me for a room for one night, and the next morning… she was gone, and I woke up with this..” She rolled up her sleeve to show him the brand on her arm that she’d kept secret from her parents until she was legally old enough to get a tattoo. “The police were brought in, they questioned me, they questioned my mother, my father when he got home from his tour in Iraq, and even my baby sister, Victoria. But they decided that the woman went missing in the night because she was a drug addict… which screwed our reputation anyway, that we hid junkies in our little hotel there. The gift shop closed first…” She took a shaking breath slowly brushing away the tears that had started to burn at the back of her eyes.
The bank manager peered over at Sasha’s arm while the brunette-haired woman explained what she knew, wincing slightly as he ran a thumb over the black-colored mark on her arm. “And you didn’t tell anyone?” He pressed, looking at her quite sternly.
She shook her head, now pressing her fingertips to her eyelids with her eyes closed. Her fingers were cold but her eyes were hot and it made her sleepy. Need to stay alert… can’t take a nap now… But the adrenaline rush she’d been through was now over and it was taking its toll on her body.
–
Luke released her arm and looked pityingly at the girl, sighing heavily. “This is... weird. But I have this gut feeling that we’re supposed to be here. For some reason. I have no idea why…” He paused briefly and then continued. “I don’t know about missing junkies in a hotel room… but, I’ve had some weird things happen while I was growing up…” He sighed heavily and ran his hand over his face, looking tired. “My parents, good people they are, couldn’t have children, so they decided to adopt. I was just a baby when they saw me in foster care and took me home. I never met my real parents, never really occurred to me to try and search for them… I was always a happy kid, pretty much in decent health, played all the sports my mother could handle me playing, went on to UCLA on a basketball scholarship, graduated in the upper twenty-fifth percentile of my class.”
The dark haired man sighed and shook his head again at himself. “And when I moved to Arizona, I started working for this really bitchy woman as her marketing and financial consultant. Finally, I found a job working as a personal banker in a local credit union and then it went from there. I managed to finally become an assistant to the manager, and when the old man retired, he nominated me for his position.” He sighed and rubbed his hands over his face vigorously. “But none of that compares to what I went through right after my promotion to branch manager. That very night, after my friends treated me for drinks, and I started to walk out of the bar they’d taken me too, some… thing ran into me and sent me stumbling into a grassy patch of lawn. I fell over, passed out... and when I woke up…” He paused again and then just shook his head vigorously. “You know what, you probably wouldn’t believe me if I told…” Lucas stopped as a rattle sounded outside the door of their confinement room.
Sasha looked up in alarm and started to push herself to her feet, but the door opened just a slight bit, and a tray was slid in with two bowls of a stew-like substance and two glasses of water on it, then the door was slammed shut again, the sound echoing solidly from the empty room’s walls. “Well. It looks like they’re feeding us… something at least…” Sasha whispered with a slight chuckle. She had no idea why that was funny… but for some reason it was. “So what happens if one of us has to … you know…?” She shouted the word at the door and got up, flinging her body against it and slamming her fists down on it in sudden fury. “Huh!? Well, are you cretins going to answer me or you going to take the charges that I can press on you for kidnapping?” Sasha shouted angrily, pounding both fists on the door in anger as she shouted.
Luke looked astounded at the sudden burst of rage from Sasha and carefully maneuvered the tray out of harm’s way of the girl’s temper tantrum before he went over and clamped a hand around her wrist to get her to stop. “Seriously, you need to calm down and eat something or they’re going to probably kill us just for your mouth.” He muttered in an undertone, hoping that if their captors hadn’t thought of that, that he wasn’t giving them any ideas.
Sasha sighed heavily, sniffed and shook her head. “This is ridiculous. I didn’t ask for any of this, I just wanted to run the stupid hotel, upgrade it and then franchise it out.” She said, her frustration straining her voice up a few octaves.
But her self-pity was to be only short-lived as Luke mirrored her sigh, grabbed her by both shoulders and pushed her straight down onto her bottom on the floor. “Sit-down, and take a deep breath. You’re not going to wallow right now.”
Sasha had let out a squeak as her rear hit the cold floor then glared murderously up at Luke, reaching out to take one of the bowls on the tray and one of the cups. “Fine, then.”
They ate the vegetable and beef stew in silence, holding off on the glasses until they’d swallowed the last of the stew, rinsing the slightly salty after-taste out of their mouths with the water. The entire time, Luke kept shooting furtive looks at Sasha beside him, wondering if she was going to throw another fit at him again.
Sasha sighed heavily when she was finished and set both the bowl and the glass down on the tray once more, leaning back onto her elbows and glaring at the ceiling. “So... you were saying that you passed out and then…”Sasha flinched when there was a slam against the metal door and she quit talking immediately, as Luke himself dropped his empty bowl and glass from his hands with a little jump.
There was another slam, and this time, there was a scraping sound like something was gliding across the door. Luke and Sasha shared a worried look as both stood up and backed away from the door slowly. It creaked open fully, revealing a muscular figure standing in the doorway. “Both of you…” The figure said, distinctly male, “Come with me. Marianne wants to see you.” Luke stepped in front of Sasha, squeezing her wrist in an attempt to be comforting as he walked past her towards the man in the doorway. She followed him out, and found the man in the doorway had slammed it shut behind them.
In the hallway outside the room, which was made of the same, dull, grey cement-like substance as their room, they found more muscular guards, both male and female. The man who had beckoned them out of the room stood behind Sasha, and she felt something sharp and metallic touch between her shoulder blades. She held back a whimper of fear as the guards surrounded the two of them and the ones in front began to march to the left in the hallway.
As they traversed through the tunnel-like halls, making turns here and there, in total silence, Sasha noticed the material of the walls and floor becoming smoother and at one point, finally changing to a smooth cool white marble. Finally, the guards in front stopped, stepped to the sides of the hallway revealing an opening into a well-lit room full of people clad in what seemed to be hand-made leather skirts, pants, and vests, the stitching being very obvious but quite decent to hold the fabric together.
Since they were stopped, Sasha stepped forward and drew level with Luke, then she reached out and squeezed his wrist, and was sardonically pleased to notice he was clammy. “Do you have any idea what the hell is going on?” She hissed out of the corner of her mouth, chancing a glance up at his face. He shook his head and Sasha bit down on her lower lip, just as a voice bellowed through the room, shaking it almost with the deep bass.
“Prisoners from Peachtree, Arizona as requested for Marianne, High Priestess of the Order of Eden!” And with that, the guard at the back prodded Sasha and Luke forward once more. They exchanged an anxious look they were forced forward into the room.
With some good light finally, Luke and Sasha could see that their guards were dressed like that too, the tribal tattoos in black ink adorning what skin they could see in the same style as the people in the opening before them. The people in the room started to turn towards them and their eyes looked less than welcoming, yet they backed away as the guards on either side and behind Sasha and Luke urged them forwards.
The guards stopped Luke and Sasha before a raised dais, on which rested a high-backed chair, hewn out of the same white marble that the room was made out of. Draped across the chair were furs of different colors, and from what Sasha assumed, were different animals. But it wasn’t the architecture that captivated their attention, nor the rich and luxurious furs on the chair. It was the middle-aged woman perched on them, her eyes regal and an icy grey. Dark hair fell from a pinned bun in ringlets to frame her face, defining high cheek bones and a narrow nose.
She stood up before them and stepped down the dais, the white simple cotton gown she wore defining her as someone different from the leather-clad warriors surrounding them in the room. As the woman stopped at the bottom of the dais, she fixed Sasha with a piercing gaze. “I am Marianne, the High Priestess of the Order of Eden. You, girl, are only alive because of my demands for it to be so.”
At this, Sasha’s jaw hardened and her hands clenched tightly into fists, but she stayed still and silent for once, as Marianna walked past her and viewed Lucas up and down critically, her face distinctly softer and her eyes less harsh. “You… look like him…” Marianne said, seeming almost astounded and shocked as she placed both hands on Luke’s shoulders and stared into his eyes unblinkingly.
Luke, confused, couldn’t help himself. “Begging your pardon, but, I look like who?” A hush fell over the crowd of warriors, who had been joined at some point during Marianne’s speech by other white and red –robed people, like Marianne, and had been whispering amongst themselves.
The dark haired woman smiled gently, tears glistening in her eyes. “My little brother, Lucas. I thought he was dead for the past ten years.”
Sasha stiffened instinctively and turned on the spot to fix Luke with a glare. There were so many insults and things she wanted to say. She wanted to rage at him, hit him even, until she saw that he looked as bewildered as she did. “Now, wait a minute lady, I’ve got no siblings. Sorry but I’m not your brother, so I guess we’ll be going ...” Luke had reached out to touch Sasha’s hand and turned but found himself facing the guards with spears pointed directly at his throat, faces unreadable. “Or perhaps not.”
Your DP: Uh-oh. It looks like our Main Characters are in a spot of trouble here. But could they play up Marianne’s assumption Luke’s her brother and get out of here? Should they make a break for it? You decide!
This chapter is a little bit longer folks so I thank-you a lot for you patience with my horrid RL kicking my behind left and right. I hope you enjoy it!
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© 2007-2019 Lilith
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 8:28 pm Post subject: |
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Finally...
I liked this chapter a lot, Lily. Though I am dissapointed we didn't hear Luke's story fully. It all seems straight out of an action film to me. It's exciting and I LOVE the element of suspense in this. Did I mention that this is damn good writing?
For the dp? I don't know really. I guess they should just turn back and face Marianne. DON'T try to escapr but don't say that you're her brother as well. Keep playing on in the same way and hope for the best. I know it sounds stupid but I think its the best thing to do. Trying to escape would be stupid and telling her you'r her bro would be equally stupid if she finds out that you lied. (Unless ofcourse, he IS her bro, but that is not very likely, is it?)
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 6:03 am Post subject: |
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I really enjoyed this chapter, Lil! Quite an unexpected turn, Luke being (well, most likely being, though I suppose there is a chance that he's not) the brother of the High Priestess. Unexpected but intriguing. Looking forward to finding out more!
For the dp...I don't think making a run for it would be entirely wise at this point. Yes, they might get out, but most likely without their lives intact. I also think that Marianne isn't going to fall for any trick they might try to play by using the fact that Luke might be her brother. So I'm with Vikas (who's suggestion doesn't sound stupid at all, I might add ). Just turn back to face their captor, and maybe try to wheedle some information out of her, as to where they are, and why.
Looking forward to the next one already, Lil! Keep up the good work!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 10:53 pm Post subject: |
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Nice!!! Really well done, to set up this whole issue. I spent half the chapter expecting something big and the other half reading it. Really well written, Lilith, now the plot is gonna thicken, I hope.
Well, for the DP, I'm with my bro. There isn't much chance of us getting out of this alive (not at this moment, anyway), but the other things we could do ensure death (unless they desperately need us alive. Its possible, but I'm not gonna risk playing that angle). Luke already did tell her that he's not her brother (though he can't be sure himself, because he was adopted. Damn, you're making me think a lot. Atleast you know I'm paying attention ), so its not a wise thing to do. So that's about it. Man up to her, but don't go all arrogant. Find out exactly what they want from us, and then we'll make a decision.
Can't wait for the next one! 
_________________
The eyes are useless if the mind is blind.
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| Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:30 pm Post subject: |
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LOVED it as usual, Lil!!
the brother thing was most unexpected...and fun! =D i'm with Vikas though, i wanna know the rest of that story!
for the DP, ima say lets just watch and wait...see what she wants, why they took us...that sort of thing.
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| Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2012 5:10 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter 5: Time’s Up
Marianne suddenly looked shrewd for a moment as Luke turned back around to face her again and gave her a weak smile. “Well, maybe we could entertain the possibility that I’m your… brother, Miss Marianne, but I honestly doubt it, and if it’s me you’re after, why are you giving her such a hard time? She’s not done anything wrong.” He jerked a thumb at Sasha, attempting to seem uncaring and callus as he shot the business school graduate a pleading look, begging her to understand.
Sasha caught on and took the bait immediately, fixing the self-proclaimed priestess with a hard, accusatory look. “Exactly. Your girl came into my hotel, knocked him out, ruined my loan possibility to fix the place up, kidnapped me and you took my cat!” Her voice rose an octave while she progressed through her rant, color flushing her cheeks as she glared at the woman angrily now.
Marianne fixed Sasha with a beady look and then she actually chuckled aloud, her voice light and almost silvery as her ‘subjects’ joined in nervously, looking around at each other, as if trying to figure out what in the world was making their high priestess laugh so much. Then she stood up from her seat, smile gone and she waved a hand to silence the laughter that accompanied hers in the stone room moments ago.
Marianne’s grey eyes pierced hers and Sasha felt like the older woman could see right through the other side of her skull. “Bring the child’s feline.” The Priestess commanded suddenly, her voice ringing through the room.
Before Sasha could splutter her indignation at being called a child, there was movement at the back of the room where they’d entered from and an average height man walked in, carrying Sasha’s cat in his arms, where the cat looked quite content, purring and his tail twitching occasionally. However, as the man drew closer to the dais, Cory spotted Sasha and started to squirm and wriggle in the man’s arms. Sasha looked uncertainly around the room before she shifted and then quickly walked to gather up her cat, praying that no one would stop her, or skewer her, for that matter.
She made it to the squirming, wriggling feline without incident, only a calculating look from the brown-haired man who’d carried Cory to her. The black-and-white cat, however, was ecstatic and purred loud enough to be heard through the entire room, breaking the uneasy silence as he head-butted Sasha’s chin repeatedly while she petted him and walked back beside Luke to stand in front of Marianne. “Thank-you, Ma’am.” She said with some difficulty, as Cory was now putting his paws all over her face to make sure she knew he was still there. Marianne nodded once and gave Sasha a small smile. This was the first bit of respect the girl had shown since they’d brought the two of them to this place.
Then the white-robed woman stood up from her seat. “Come, you two. We have things to discuss without such an audience.” She said decisively, striding past them with ease, long legs bringing her to an archway that had been hidden by the mass of people crowding around the room before. Luke and Sasha shared a look before they scuttled after her, Luke holding his head up proudly with a hard set to his jaw and a steely glint in his eyes, Sasha with her face partially buried in Cory’s side as she quickly jogged to match Luke’s long stride.
They entered a well-lit room with walls and a floor were a much lighter shade of stone than the original one they had been led to. There was a set of wicker-material chairs and a table with a glass top and wicker frame, set with glass mugs and a clear pot that was full of an amber liquid.
Marianne sighed heavily and settled herself into a chair behind the table and waved her hands at the chairs before the table; both Luke and Sasha took the hint, sitting down together and sharing a look that said neither of them was comfortable with the situation. They were both brought back to reality by Marianne clearing her throat and pouring the amber-colored liquid into three glass mugs.
“It seems you are both uncomfortable here, is that correct?” She asked slowly, flicking a strand of dark hair streaked with silver behind her ear, giving both of them a piercing look.
Luke spoke up. “Well, yeah. Your servant girl or whatever she was, knocked both of us out and dragged us away from everything we knew, and everyone.” He emphasized the last word and hardened his gaze, making it seem harsh.
Marianne’s gaze fixed on him and her eyes narrowed considerably at the last word. “Everyone you need is right here, in this underground facility, Lucas. Your family is he-“
“In case you weren’t paying attention, Ma’am, he said he wasn’t your brother. His family is not here. His family is the people who raised him, not you.” Sasha snapped, almost seeming to vibrate with anger now. She’d held her tongue long enough, and now she had someone to berate, while Cory looked up at her reproachfully and mewed in an admonishing way. “Oh hush you…” the brunette murmured to the cat she clutched tightly.
Marianne stood up quickly, as if suddenly invigorated by the snarl from Sasha. “He is my brother! It wasn’t my choice for him to leave.” She explained, folding her hands together tightly, the knuckles clutched so tightly they were becoming white under the skin.
“Then how come I don’t remember you, Marianne is it? I’m sorry but you just don’t forget ten years of your life overnight.” Luke interjected quickly, seeing Sasha’s eyes flash dangerously and shooting her a look to stay calm.
The priestess’s eyes softened and then watered slightly as she opened her mouth to speak again. “Luke, my dear little brother, our sister used Forbidden magic to make you forget.”
The silence was deafening, with the exception of Cory’s struggles and grunts to free himself from his mistress’s grasp. Sasha was the first to snort derisively and stand up. “Alright, magic, right. I’m out of here, now.” The brunette to a sharp step toward Marianne and pointed at her, her finger an inch from the older woman’s face. “You, lady, are insane. And you will let us go, or I’ll call the police and have them drag you back to whatever institution you escaped fr…”
Marianne, momentarily shocked at Sasha’s movement, suddenly lifted an arm sharply and waved it at the younger girl; her lips clamped shut and she couldn’t pry them apart to finish what she was saying.
Luke stared in shock from one to the other. “Now wait a minute… don’t tell me that was magic…” He gaped at Marianne when she nodded, lowering her hand and flexing her fingers, and Sasha let out a burst of breath. “Are you okay, Sash?” He asked tenantively, seeing the dark look on Sasha’s face before she let out a shout of anger.
“You twisted old …!” She didn’t finish her sentence, not because of Marianne this time, but because of a boy who threw open the door and rushed toward the priestess, looking wild-eyed and breathless.
“My lady! The patrols are coming in fast and many are injured. They speak of a horror unlike any we’ve seen following them. And behind it… they are coming.” His eyes had gone wide at the word ‘they’, as if he was so shocked by the word itself he couldn’t bear to utter it.
Marianne ran her hand over the boy’s cheek briefly. “You have done well, Mattieu. Sleep now, without dreams.” And as her hand left his skin, the boy’s face became blissfully blank and he collapsed to the floor. Marianne stood up, all business now. “You, Luke, move Mattieu to the chase over on the other side of the room and come with me. Sasha, it’s time for you to learn what you’re going to be up against for the rest of your days.”
Both of them stood stock still in shock, staring at the woman who seemed to expect them to follow her orders without question or complaint. “Um, excuse me… but I am not helping your little psychotic scantily clad belly-dancers, crazy lady.” Sasha replied snidely.
Just as Sasha finished her snappy remark, Marianne snorted and strode over toward the girl, grabbed her by the upper arm, hauling the younger woman out of the door and down the hallway, heading away from the big main room. “Hey, now wait a minute!” Luke called after them, following the sounds of Marianne’s confident footsteps as well as Sasha’s jerks, grunts and attempts to free herself from the priestess’s iron grasp.
Their path led them into tunnels that suddenly became cool and tilted upward, the sand underfoot slowly becoming hard solid packed earth and then the stone of an old building. The trio emerged onto a ledge overlooking a wall that was cut out in part of it, just like old castles had.
Marianne finally released Sasha with a swift snarl and pointed out into the horizon. “Not helping? When you were Marked for this ten years ago? Girl, you should have been training since then. You are sadly lacking in your education, look hard at that horizon and tell me what you see.” Cory was all but writhing madly to get out of Sasha’s grip by now because of all the yelling, but Sasha held him tightly to her chest and looked, squinting slightly.
There were dark shapes, marching, walking, sliding and shifting forward along the horizon, a length of at least fifty football fields in length. But they all would converge on the same target: the stone building and the tunnels beneath in the ground. “What are those?” Sasha and Luke asked together, for he had caught up and was peering out with Sasha at the horizon.
“Foul, ugly things. Native Americans called them Skinwalkers. Druids called them Unseelie. Modern day people would call them demons.“ Marianne replied, somewhat furiously. “And these are only the beginning. We’ve been beating them back for centuries, until ten years ago when Catarínn turned on us. We had thought she’d sacrificed you at first Luke, to free herself of her obligating Mark and transfer it to Sasha, but she just simply made you lost to us. That was enough to weaken our defenses and give them the edge in the war.”
“Why was that enough? What makes me so special?” Luke asked, sounding a little disbelieving as he stood next to Sasha.
Marianne gave him a weak smile. “You are the last in a powerful bloodline that can wield magic successfully, Luke.”
“Obligation? What happens if I don’t fulfill the obligation?” The younger woman asked quietly backing away from the ledge very slowly with a few steps, before Luke said anything, which he probably wasn’t going to, looking stunned to silence.
“You sicken, weaken, and die. The magic in the Mark woke when you were brought here. It will be in effect for the next three years. After that, your basic training is complete and you can leave the complex safely. This is sacred ground.” The priestess explained slowly, clenching her knuckles around the ledge and gritting her teeth while she watched the seething mass of creatures moving always closer.
Sasha gulped hard and stared at the shifting, black figures as they moved closer and closer to them. “Why me? Why did she transfer her obligation to me?” She asked in a suddenly very small voice, looking at the priestess for the first time with some semblance of respect.
Marianne looked pitying as she gazed back at Sasha, her youth no doubt going to be wasted in the coming weeks, months, and years of her life. “Because you were conveniently placed.”
Sasha felt her gut and heart plummet, even as Luke set his hands on her shoulders and gave them a reassuring squeeze, voicing the question on all of their minds. “What do we do now?”
Your DP: Uh-oh. What do they do? Abandon the base and find a new one? Send for reinforcements? Make a stand?
*As always, please remember to post and favorite if you like this story and others. It inspires writers to write more. *
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Last edited by Lilith on Fri Mar 02, 2012 4:52 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2012 9:12 pm Post subject: |
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Another amazing chapter Lil!!
I like that we're learning about the situation they're in more clearly... Ofcourse, it does seem very possible that Luke IS the one Marianne's been searching for too..
As of now, they should probably trust Marianne and listen to her... we'll take a final call later...
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 1:50 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Lil!
Another fine chappie you've got here, and a good lot of info for us to take in. Clearly Marianne was telling the truth about magic, as she showed Luke and Sasha that she herself wields it, so she's very likely telling the truth about Luke being her brother too. And now there are demons coming for them, eek!
For the dp...well, just going by guess work here, this can't have been the first time that such a thing has happened surely? So I would imagine that their base is pretty solid, and demon-proofed to the max. And if they were to try and run, where would they go to? From what I read, I'm thinking that the demon hoard is converging on them from every direction visible to them? So if they were to run, it seems to me they'd stand a good chance of getting caught. So I say stay where we are, and have Marianna and any other magic users in the base make a show of their powers against the enemy.
A fab, well-written chapter, Lil! Keep up the good work!
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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| Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 9:24 pm Post subject: |
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Brilliant Chapter, Lil!
You gave us a lot of information without going anywhere near boredom, nicely done. This also set up the DP well, breaking off the conversation just as I wanted to know more. Now I'm starting to believe that Luke is her brother, and I don't think she's lying about anything else either. This, I think, will be the chapter that leads to the thickening of the plot.
As for the DP... I am going to have to go with Tika. Marianne was showing us the demons and almost teaching us about them. There didn't seem to be any panic about her, which leads me to believe that this should be solved without a major fuss. On the other hand, when Mattieu says "they are coming" with all the shock he had, this can't be a really easy situation to handle. Either way, we don't have much of a choice, except to sit back and watch the action unfold. We can try to help, but I really don't see us being of much use.
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| Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 10:37 pm Post subject: |
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LOOOOOVE it!! i'd like to know now why the sister "betrayed" them...hmm...perhaps there's more to the back story?
"AND you took my cat" favorite line. XD
anywho, for the DP, let's stand an fight. this is "sacred ground" after all, so that should give us an edge.
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Lilith
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 10:34 am Post subject: I think. . . . |
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A most interesting chaper. The mix of realism (Worrying about her cat) mixed with the mystic (Monsters and magic) is very well played. I like.
I noticed a spelling mistake that had me re-reading the line a few times. It's. . . .
| Lilith wrote: | | Sasha snapped, almost seeing to vibrate with anger now. |
Right there. My only stumble really.
Sorry I missed the suggestion phase on this one. I voted to "Put up their dukes" but I doubt it'll win. I can't wait to see what you come up with next! Keep up the fine work!
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 12:54 am Post subject: |
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Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
Chapter 6: First Blood
As Sasha buried her face in her hands, Marianne drew herself up to her full height, seeming to pull the atmosphere towards her and center herself now that she was back in control of the situation. “You come back down into the tunnels while the Council and I hold a meeting. And don’t worry, we’re not going to put you back in a holding cell, now that we’re sure that you’re free of the Stain.”
Luke stared at Marianne as she turned her back on them, white robes brushing across the ground with a quiet swish, descending back down into the main tunnels, expecting them to follow her. “So where are you sticking us then?” He called after her, letting go of the brunette’s shoulders and following his supposed ‘sister’.
Marianne paused and looked back over her shoulder at him with a small smile. “I’ll be more than happy to give up room in my own accommodations for you and your friend, brother. But you both must come with me now quickly. You are not trained to fight these and nor is she.” She beckoned both of them with an urgent wave of her hand.
Luke sighed and looked back at Sasha, who was clutching Cory close to her chest and for once, the cat wasn’t trying to make an escape attempt; he was nuzzling his mistress’s neck and chin, trying to get some response out of her. With the exception of the steady fingers stroking over the insistent cat’s ears, Sasha wasn’t moving, and she didn’t look up when Luke reached out and touched her arm. “C’mon, Sasha. We need to get inside.”
He gave a little tug and as if coming out of a trance, the brunette looked up at him. “Yeah… I guess we do.” She stepped toward the entrance to the tunnels, and strode down the stairs quickly, Luke following close behind as they both jogged a little to not lose sight of the white robed woman in front of them. Just as they reached the first turn in the tunnel, the entire building and the earth below gave an almighty shudder, as if just slammed with a sledgehammer.
Marianne turned around and pointed both of them to run past her. “Go to the sitting room in my quarters and stay there. I’ll join you when it’s over. Quickly now!” She quickly hustled them down the corridor and another few turns until they entered the sitting room they’d been in with Marianne before. There had been at least seven more shudders during their hurried journey and with each one, Marianne urged them to go faster, the color in her face draining until she had a porridge-grey color.
“Can’t we do anything to help?” Luke asked after Marianne threw open the door and practically shoved them inside the room. Marianne paused momentarily to give the former bank manager a pained look before shaking her head and shutting the door quickly, her footsteps fading within moments. He sighed and then gave a little jump of surprise when he felt something around his ankle. Looking down, Luke saw that it was just Cory, just recently released by Sasha, who was sitting down in one of the wicker-work chairs with her eyes closed.
Luke leaned down and gave Cory an affectionate rub down one side and then the other before he stepped around the curious creature and sat down in front of Sasha, scooting to the edge of the chair. “Hey, you alright?” He ventured quietly, reaching out and touching one of her hands.
For a moment, he wondered if she was actually going to respond, and then Sasha looked up at him, her mouth working slowly as she attempting to get her words out. “No, I’m not. But I guess I’ll have to be.” She slid her hand out of his reach and rested her elbow on the arm of her chair, letting her forehead drop down into her palm as she covered her eyes.
Luke wanted to say something, anything, to make Sasha feel better, and he opened his mouth to try and do so as he leaned into the back of the chair, when the ceiling, the walls and the floor beneath them gave such a forceful tremor that both Sasha and Luke stood up , Cory darted underneath one of the squashy-looking sofas, hissing angrily as another tremor forced both of the humans left standing down on the floor, face-first.
Sasha groaned loudly. “Ow... I could do with not having to stand up again, not after that.” She rolled onto her side and curled up with her arms around her ribs. “Those are going to be bruised.”
“No shit, really?” Luke groaned as he pushed himself up from the floor partway, but another shudder made his hands slide out from underneath him and he thudded forward onto the floor again with a very load groan. This time the shudders didn’t stop and were intersparsed with loud thuds, lasting for about ten minutes before the quaking stopped.
Cory was the first one to poke his head out and start wandering about, padding over top of Sasha. “Ouch, Cory... that was not very nice.” Sasha groaned as she pushed herself upright and the cat jumped down. “Luke, it’s over.” She reached over and shook his arm gently.
Luke looked up and glanced around at the debris and broken baubles on the floor, cushions strewn everywhere and side tables up-ended all over the room. “Looks like we were lucky and avoided the worst of it over where we were, Sasha.” He stood up and offered the brunette girl a hand to help her up.
Sasha ignored the proffered hand and stood up on her own, wincing at the soreness in her ribs as she scooped the cat up with her. “Should we leave?” She wondered aloud, stepping over the fallen and broken objects and moving quickly toward the door, Luke close on her heels. As she reached it, the handle turned and the door opened, with one of the men that had been in the main room before stumbling through, covered in blood.
“Oh my god!” Sasha cried, backing away from the man as he stepped forward.
“You two! Follow me! The Lady’s orders!” He roared, reaching out and grasping her wrist in a vice-like grip. He started pulling Sasha toward the door, and she kept tugging away from him, trying to release her wrist from his grasp.
“Let go of her!” Luke shouted, moving forward and reaching out to grab the bigger man’s forearm, trying to shake him off Sasha. Before he knew it, Luke was flung across the room, thudding into a wall.
“No!” Sasha screamed again and let her joints go loose, becoming dead weight. The trick worked, and the intruder let go of her in surprise, allowing the brunette to roll to her feet, get to her feet and sprint through the doorway into the hallway. A loud roar and a crash told her that she was being followed, leading the crazed man away from Luke and her cat.
Shit, shit. What do I do?! She thought as her feet hit the stone floors of the tunnels, while she ducked into side ones, trying to out-run the man behind her. Sasha could hear him grunting as his shoulders would smack into the walls when she turned a sharp corner, but one thing was certain: he was gaining on her.
She risked one glance behind her, and saw that the bodybuilder-lookalike was not more than fifty paces behind her. And his eyes had no whites and no irises, whatsoever. They were completely black, and absent of all light or reflection.
“Ouch!” Sasha felt a sharp twinge of pain down her arm as she rounded another bend in the tunnel, the lit torches on the walls becoming dimmer and less frequent. She looked over to see blood trickling down her shoulder toward her forearm; she’d scraped it against that sharp protrusion of rocks around that last corner. One more glance behind her told her that the previous one had cost her several feet, and she could see a maniacal smile spreading slowly across her pursuer’s face.
“I can smell you, little girl! You can never outrun me now!” He shouted, in a voice that made Sasha’s blood chill, as she skidded into a wide open cavern… with no exit other than the one she’d just come from. The brunette turned around and started to back away into a shadow against one side of the cavern, managing to hide just as the possessed man stepped into the cavern after her, smirking.
“I know you’re here, Sasha. And I know this is the only way out… come out and play…”
I know this one is a little bit shorter than my usual chapters but I think this is a good place to pause and let y'alls squirm.
Your DP: Uh-oh. Well, isn’t she in trouble? You guys did say you wanted to see what would happen when you let the magic-users handle the battle... you picked it. Now, how are you going to get the main characters out of thise one?
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Last edited by Lilith on Fri Mar 30, 2012 9:00 am; edited 1 time in total
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:45 pm Post subject: |
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| wow!! that was exciting!! i'm going to say Sasha, in her fear, unleashes some sort of crazy awesome power she didnt know she had, taking out this guy. =D loving it! keep it up!!
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Fri Mar 30, 2012 8:39 am Post subject: |
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Hey Lil!
Wow...I agree with Andi, very exciting indeed! It is slightly shorter than most of your others, but it doesn't suffer for it. It's fast paced, action filled to the hilt and very enjoyable. Very well done indeed! The pure black eyes of the big guy chasing Sasha did make me wonder what he might be exactly. One comes to the conclusion that this man isn't on the side of Marianne and her people, and yet surely the presence of a stranger in the room would have alerted them to something being not quite right. Is he merely one of the demons (the mention of skinwalkers in the prior chapter makes one think that they have the ability to change their appearance or steal another's identity for a time, though I could be entirely wrong about that), or could it have something to do with the sinister black ooze from the beginning? Who knows (apart from you obviously ), but I'm very much looking forward to finding out!
I just found a couple of things, though both are the same really...
| Quote: | | Luke wanted to say something, anything, to make Sasha feel better, and he opened his mouth to try and do so as he leaned into the back of the chair, when the ceiling, the walls and the floor beneath them gave such a forceful tremor that both Sasha and Luke stood up , Cory hissing and darting underneath one of the squashy-looking sofas and hissing angrily as another tremor forced both of the humans left standing down on the floor, face-first. |
| Quote: | | This time the shudders didn’t stop and there were load thuds in between the shudders, lasting for about ten minutes before the quaking stopped. |
In the first quote, the double usage of 'hissing' in such close proximatey doesn't sound quite right. The first, along with the following 'and' could just be removed completely and it would flow better.
And in the second, 'shudders' is the same, though it would take slightly more rearranging to change it. Perhaps something like...
This time the shudders didn’t stop and were intersparsed with loud thuds, lasting for about ten minutes before the quaking stopped.
For the dp...I'm liking Andi's idea, though I will suggest a different option just so you have something to work with. Um...*taps a fingertip against my lips as I ponder*... Well, I can only think of her trying to slip past him using the shadows as cover, before he sniffs her out. Hopefully she'll succeed in getting far enough towards the exit to scarper again and try to find one of the magic users.
Great chapter, Lil! Keep up the good work!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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| Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 10:24 am Post subject: I Think. . . . . |
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Again, much amazingness is to be found here. Sorry, I read this almost as soon as you posted it, but I fergot to respond, oh no! Anyways, loving it, loving it!
Me wants more!
The way it's put together, as well as the visuals are awesome. Even with all the twists and turns, it's easy to follow, and easy to comprehend. It's classic and unique all at the same time. Very well done.
As for the DP. . . . .To quote Dean Winchester, "Crazy Works". I have to go with strp and run naked past'em screaming something about the attack of inviasable fluffy pink rabbits or something. Hey, y'never know, it could work!
Well, that's my two cents. . . . . Onward, to adventure!
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| Posted: Mon May 28, 2012 11:16 am Post subject: |
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Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
Chapter 7: Exodus
There was something soft and fuzzy patting at his nose. Luke wrinkled his nose and gave a sniff, which turned out to be a very bad idea as he sneezed as soon as he did it, then he opened his eyes to meet a pair yellow-green ones with slits for pupils. Then Cory sneezed on him. “Gah!” Luke sat up from the floor and wiped a hand over his face. “Your owner taught you manners I’m sure.” He muttered, wincing has he stood up and touched the bruises forming on his back. “Damn… whoever that was sure packs a punch…” The last few moments before he was thrown into a wall and knocked out came rushing back to his memory. “Shit, where’s Sasha?” He looked around the destruction of the underground room, hoping to see Sasha in there somewhere, but however, it was in vain. The brunette was nowhere to be seen and it seemed that the cat knew it, since he was twining between Luke’s legs and meowing plaintively.
Limping a little, the former bank branch manager strode out into the hallway just outside of the room and looked first right and then left. The stone that made up the passages, like the walls, ceiling and floor behind him, was full of spider-web like cracks all through it. “No idea how long this place has been here but, it looks like this is the last siege it can take.” Luke muttered under his breath, just as Cory scampered past him with a loud meow and darted down the left-hand side of the hall. “Hey! Get back here, you!” He called after Cory, chasing after the fuzzy creature that just rounded a corner to the right, it’s long black and white patch tail the last thing he saw as he turned as well… and skidded to a complete halt.
The hall was littered with bodies, either white robed as Marianne had been or leather-clad like the warriors from the large hall they’d been in earlier. Not a single limb or appendage twitched nor a single chest rise and fall with a breath pattern. The cat was almost at the far end of the hallway while Luke was trying to pick his way through the bodies, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat at the sight of so many bodies. When Luke reached the far end of the body littered hallway, he saw the cat sitting down and twitching his tail at the human, as if he was waiting for Luke to follow. “You’re not bothered by those at all, are you?” Luke asked the feline, who stood up on all fours, meowed at him and then trotted off around the next corner, rounding left, and bringing Luke to shorter hall that led to a closed, wooden door.
The door was plain with a brass handle, hinges and fastenings, big enough to fill the entirety of the hallway and apparently thick enough to block off any sound from the other side. Luke looked down at Cory, who was leaning up with both paws against the door and meowing plaintively. “Alright, cat, I get it. I’ll open the door for you.” Luke replied, clearing his throat quietly as he twisted the doorknob and pushed the large wooden door open. As soon as it was opened enough for him to squeeze through, the feline darted through the opening.
Apprehensively, the former bank branch manager followed after Cory, pushing the door all the way open and swallowing hard at the sight that greeted him. Marianne and two other white robed figures were lying on the floor of the room beyond at odd angles, red seeping through the abdomen of the robes, unmoving. Quickly, Luke hurried over to Marianne and knelt down beside her, pressing two fingers to the pulse point on her neck. She had a pulse but it was faint as was the shallow breathing pattern her chest rose and fell in. “Marianne, can you hear me?” He whispered, watching the priestesses eyelids flicker in response and then snap open.
“Lucas… my baby brother…” She wheezed, her grey eyes full of pain and regret, one hand lifting up to touch his cheek.
Luke shook his hand and put a hand up to remove Marianne’s. “Shhh... don’t try to talk, Marianne. I’m going to try and get some pressure on your wound.” Luke ripped the corner off of one of the corpses’ robes and started trying to bind up the wound, while Cory had finally curled up in Marianne’s curly, long dark hair, settling down there.
“Lucas… it’s futile to try to do that. I am dying. You know this.” Marianne croaked out, looking up at him with a smile. “But I’m glad you’re the one here in my last moments. I am one of the few with the privilege of family who are a part of the Order.” The priestess’s voice had ranged from almost normal to almost a croaking whisper throughout her entire speech.
“You’re delusional, lady. I’m not your family, and I’m not a part of your mysterious order or whatever.” Luke shook his head slowly and blinked away hot tears pricking the back of his eyes. “And you’re not going to die, alright? So just shut up and save your strength.” He ordered, tightening the binding he made over her wound. “Whatever the case, you seem to be a leader for your order of people you have here. So we’ve gotta have you healing, don’t’ we?”
Soon enough, the blood seemed to stop seeping through the make-shift bandage and that’s when Luke added one more layer and tied a knot over it. But Marianne’s face looked so pale that Luke had worried momentarily she’d died; then her chest rose and fell once more, slowly, but she was still breathing at least. “Lucas...” She whispered, reaching up and patting his cheek gently. “You need to listen to me.”
Luke looked down at his ‘sister’ and frowned at her in confusion. “What do you mean?”
She wheezed and looked up at him with a smile. “You can’t save me. I’m going to die, my sweet little brother. I’ve Seen it ending like this. You must find survivors and rally them. They will follow you, as you are of the same blood as I.” When Luke opened his mouth to interrupt her but she lifted a hand and covered his lips with her fingers. “No, Lucas. You must do this if you want to survive on your own now. You’ve been introduced to our magic and it’s touched you. You will be hunted, especially as a survivor after this...” Marianne coughed and started to splutter, and with each wheezing breath she took now, the bandage on her abdomen started to seep red again.
“Don’t… stop talking.” Luke tried to rip more of the corpses’ robes to make another bandage but Marianne waved her hands weakly. He slid back over to her and lifted her head up slightly to make it easier for her to breathe.
“Lucas. Take them to our fallback location in the Black Hills.” She pleaded, begging him almost as she started hacking and coughing again, a wet sort of rattle building in her lungs. “Please.”
He hung his head and sighed heavily, nodding down at the woman on his lap, who claimed to be his sister. “Alright, Marianne. I’ll find as many as I can and try to get us to the Black Hills. I promise.” Luke relented, trying to pacify the dying woman.
She smiled at him, her breathing still labored but after a few more rattles, her chest was still and her grey eyes closed. Her body was only slightly warm; since she’d lost so much blood already, there wasn’t a lot of heat left in her slender figure. Luke gave a swipe at his eyes and looked away from Marianne as he slid her body from his lap and back onto the stone floor, spotting that devilish cat of Sasha’s staring at him once more.
“What do you want?” He snapped at Cory, as the feline trotted over, headbutted his arm gently and then walked back to the door, looking back and waiting, obviously intending for Luke to follow him. Luke sighed, squeezed Marianne’s now-cooling hand and followed the cat back into the corridor. For some reason, Luke thought, this cat knows where to go next.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Sasha screamed as the possessed man picked up a boulder about twice his side and chucked it toward her hiding place, running towards the other end of the room, trying to hide behind some other debris that had fallen down in the final quake the tunnels had been through. Unfortunately, the possessed man lumbered toward her and grabbed her ankle when she tried to dive behind another set of rocks. He dragged her along the uneven ground even as she squirmed and kicked, trying to break his hold on her foot. “Let me go!” She shouted, twisting her entire body over and swinging her free foot across his face.
There was a sickening crunch and the warrior dropped her, bringing his hands over his face and groaning in pain and shock. “You bitch!” He roared, starting back towards her with his hands outstretched once more as she tried to stand up, but found she couldn’t - he’d sprained her ankle too badly for her to put weight on it. He was bearing down on her, reaching down… Sasha put her hands up in the air to stop him, shutting her eyes and let out an ear-splitting scream.
She waited for the final blow that would kill her… but it didn’t come. Slowly, Sasha opened one eye and looked up, seeing a strange pale blue-white glow emanating from her hands. The man was stumbling back and away from the light as if it was paining him. Thinking quickly, Sasha lunged her form at him, using her body weight to push herself to put her palms on the warrior’s leg, squeezing tightly, her knuckles going white under her skin. “No, no, no!” The possessed man screamed in agony as his skin seemed to heat up, glowing red under Sasha’s touch. She clung onto the man’s leg, even as he fell to the ground, writhing and screaming for anyone to hear. She winced as he managed to catch a blow in her ribs, coughing suddenly and having her grip thrown off.
“Shit, shit... no!” She scooted forward and put her hands on the man’s face and he screamed louder just before his body writhed violently and something like black smoke wrenched itself free of his skin and was gone. The glow in Sasha’s hands faded and the man’s body went still, breathing heavily, but undoubtedly unconscious. She pulled away from the now resting warrior, bringing her hands up to her eyes to try and inspect them, shaking all over. “What is going on…” Sasha whispered to herself, covering her face with her shaking hands.
Mrrow! She looked up at the sudden familiar sound of Cory’s meow, just as the ball of fur streaked into the cavern she was in and made a beeline straight for her. “Cory! You’re okay!” Sasha cried, hugging the cat when he jumped into her lap, just as another familiar face poked his head in the room.
“So that’s what he wanted. He’s been going mad trying to find you, Sasha. Come on, let’s go…. Who’s that?” Luke was talking while he walked into the room and stopped dead when he spotted the body on the floor.
“I don’t know. He’s the same guy that was trying to drag us out of the sitting room and then he tried to kill me.. but my hands glowed and then he went all funny… and now he’s like this.” She finished, to push herself upright again, slower this time, but her leg wouldn’t bear her weight.
Luke was staring at the downed man with an expression of confusion when he noticed that Sasha couldn’t walk. He moved over to her quickly and slid an arm around her waist. “What’s wrong? Why can’t you walk?”
“He grabbed me and did something to my ankle… hopefully it’s just a sprain.” She winced as she tried once more to put it down flat and it threatened to twist underneath her. “Ahh! I can’t…” Sasha leaned more onto Luke’s shoulder as he held onto her more securely, while she wrangled the cat, who was squirming around again.
“It’s okay, Sasha. Lean on me. We’ve gotta get you out of here. And then I’ve gotta find the survivors of this… attack.” Just then, the cat escaped Sasha’s grip and ran out of the room, tail straight up in the air as he ran off, apparently looking for something.
“Damn it!” Sasha swore, covering her face in frustration and letting go of Luke, sitting down on a boulder that had fallen from the ceiling in the shaking of the earth. “Luke, please, will you catch him? I’ll stay here, and I don’t think this guy’s going to hurt me when he wakes up. He had some weird black smoke come out of his body so I think he’s fine.”
Luke sighed heavily and dragged over another rock to prop up Sasha’s foot on, lifting it and inspecting carefully around the ankle. “It’s pretty swollen, Sasha. Keep it elevated and I’ll be back. I promised Marianne before she died that I would find the survivors.” At the confused look Sasha gave him, Luke shook his head and started for the door. “I’ll explain later.”
Outside the room in the hallway, Luke marked the room by scratching an ‘X’ over the doorway with his fingernail into the stone. “Alright cat, you’re running this operation apparently. So where did you go..” He spotted Cory darting around one end of the hall and jogged after him.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
It took a few hours but soon enough, Cory and Luke had scoured the entirety of the ruins and brought out a total of eight survivors, excluding themselves and the man with Sasha waiting in the room Luke had marked. Now they were all in there together, a few nursing simple cuts and bruises, one with a dislocated shoulder and one with a broken wrist. The unconscious man was stirring slowly and Sasha had moved herself to sit beside him on the floor, stroking his face trying to soothe him, as he was turning his face from left to right and breaking out in a sweat as if having a bad dream.
They all looked up when Luke came back in, Cory draped over his arm, and calm as could be. “Well, I think we’re the last of whoever was here.” Luke announced as he walked over to Sasha and placed the cat down on her lap. He looked around at the survivors critically. They weren’t warriors except for one woman and the one man that was unconscious. Two girls and two boys looked like they were teenagers, along with one man that looked to be about ten years older than himself who wore a white robe like Marianne had done, and one elderly woman in robes of black. “I promised Marianne that I’d get you to the Black Hills in South Dakota so you can be with people that know your customs and training. But I’m going to leave that decision up to each of you individually. I know that if you’re Marked, like Sasha is here, once you’ve entered one of their holy temple areas or whatever, that you can’t be without it for very long. But I still think you should have the choice of where you go from here. Maybe there’s another place to take you that’s closer to here or closer to your homes? Or maybe you young ones would like to go home?”
He sat down next to Sasha and placed a hand on the unconscious man’s forehead. “Whatever we do, we need to do it quickly. This man needs a hospital.” Sasha murmured quietly to Luke. “I don’t know what that light that came from my hands did, but it wasn’t enough to help him.”
Alright so this one is a bit lengthier than normal but still a lot of good stuff in here. Pay attention.
Your DP: What do they do? Do they attempt to get to a hospital for the injuries suffered? Do they begin their run to South Dakota, or find another place? Got something else in mind? Tell me!
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sagittaeri
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| Posted: Tue May 29, 2012 11:21 am Post subject: |
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Very well written, and I really like the way you flesh out Sasha's character! An intriguing story---I wonder what is the history of the organisation. Why did it become their responsibility to fight the demons, and where did it all come from. Lucas' magic (in his bloodline) must be something, if people are willing to put him in charge so quickly...speaking of which, how did they find out about Lucas? By coincidence because they were monitoring Sasha?
For DP, I'd say the hospital. Sasha and Luke had just undergone the speediest "orientation" of this new world which they never suspected existed just moments before. As flexible as they are to world-changing experiences, I believe they'll still cling to some of the "real world" things that they grew up with. Thus, I believe they will insist on bringing the man to a hospital.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue May 29, 2012 3:14 pm Post subject: |
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Fab new chappie, Lil! Very much enjoyed!
I'm loving the thing you've got going with Cory. He seems very connected to Sasha, and very knowing for an animal. The way he is and behaves is almost like a witch's familiar. It's a nice touch anyway.
Revelations for Luke and Sasha here, and, given the short space of time that they've been in the know about all of this stuff, they need time to get used to it, and learn more about it. For that reason, and because I think the injured people stand a good chance of getting the care that they need from others like them, I'm saying head straight for the Black Hills as Luke promised the dying Marianne, and hopefully they'll be able to get the answers they seek when they arrive. And along the way, they could question some of the other survivors of the attack, and see if they can give them any bits of info.
Great as always, Lil! Keep up the good work!
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Andolyn
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| Posted: Tue May 29, 2012 4:16 pm Post subject: |
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LOVED it!! Cory is quickly becoming my favorite character. XD
for the DP, i'd say let's head to the Black Hills. it's what Marianne wanted, and I think it's safe to say we trust her now. It's hard to tell what the followers will do. will they just take his word for it that those were Marianne's instructions? or do they branch out on their own? I'm not sure.
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sagittaeri
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| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 12:32 pm Post subject: |
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| Voted! Can't wait for the next chapter!
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 7:47 am Post subject: |
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Well I'm all caught up now. I must say I was worried when a circle seemed to be squared very early on with Luke explaining his background and Marianne's recognition of him. But the reveal was good - turning him from hapless tag-along to having a central role in the plot. I've voted for Marianne's last wish - really because they're both dealing with stuff that's much bigger and badder and scarier than them.
By way of critique, there was one thing that bugged me a little, and that was how you identify the characters throughout the narrative. It's good that you're avoiding repetition by finding variation, i.e., not always calling them by their name and not always referring to 'he' or 'she'. But on a few occasions I noticed your variations becoming repetitive in themselves. For example, 'the former bank manager', 'the brunette' - in fact you tend to identify your characters by hair colour a lot. There are lots of different ways you can identify characters; for example comparative traits, such as 'the shorter woman' or 'the older man' as well as relationships (your use of 'his sister' was a good example).
But actually, use of character name or 'he' and 'she' can be repeated more often than we realise before it starts sounding repetetive.
Anyway, not a major problem, just something to consider. Otherwise, I enjoyed this and will be reading the next chapter.
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Lilith
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| Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 10:18 am Post subject: |
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Thank-you CF! That same issue that you're talking about right there is something I'm ALWAYS consciously worried about when I'm writing so I'll stop every so often and go back through to make sure i'm not 'he said, she said' constantly and I'll try to change it to a name or pop in the first description that comes to my mind of that character.
The repitition thing is something I've always been really concerned about with my writing, through drilling of my English teachers, and I don't want to get people bored with hearing the names or the 'he, she, it' thing constantly. I was telling Tikanni and Andolyn the other day in IF Chat that what I'm writing now is really rough, just to get the SG out of my mind and onto the paper, or screen for that matter. (I'll go back and edit big time later, I hope.)
So, you think it would be okay to insert the names a little more than they are already?
*Note: keep voting people! I'm not starting the next chapter for a bit yet! ^_^
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 10:46 am Post subject: |
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This may sound crazy, but some words are less 'visible' than others. Take the word 'said'. Some people write dialogue and feel they have to vary the dialogue tag so they use 'screamed', 'whispered', 'smiled', 'replied', and so on, when actually you can get away with using nothing more than 'said', (interspersed with lines of dialogue tagged with actions or with no tags at all) and people just don't notice the word 'said' has been repeated that many times.
The same can be said for 'he' and 'she' or the character name, but within reason. Take for an example:
| Quote: | The door was plain with a brass handle, hinges and fastenings, big enough to fill the entirety of the hallway and apparently thick enough to block off any sound from the other side. Luke looked down at Cory, who was leaning up with both paws against the door and meowing plaintively. “Alright, cat, I get it. I’ll open the door for you.” Luke replied, clearing his throat quietly as he twisted the doorknob and pushed the large wooden door open. As soon as it was opened enough for him to squeeze through, the feline darted through the opening.
Apprehensively, the former bank branch manager followed after Cory, pushing the door all the way open and swallowing hard at the sight that greeted him. Marianne and two other white robed figures were lying on the floor of the room beyond at odd angles, red seeping through the abdomen of the robes, unmoving. Quickly, Luke hurried over to Marianne and knelt down beside her, pressing two fingers to the pulse point on her neck. She had a pulse but it was faint as was the shallow breathing pattern her chest rose and fell in. “Marianne, can you hear me?” He whispered, watching the priestesses eyelids flicker in response and then snap open. |
It's established that Luke is the main focus of the scene in the first paragraph. There's no other male moving about, and the cat is identified by its name so there's no confusion. So the words highlighted here could be replaced by a simple 'he'.
There's no right or wrong way; you could argue that you want to remind us of his profession (and therefore his character) at that point because he's about to be met with complete carnage on the other side of the door. But the point I'm making is that you can get away with repeating 'he', 'she' and the character name more easily than a more complicated character identifying phrase.
Hope this helps...
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sagittaeri
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| Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 11:00 am Post subject: |
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This is actually one of the reasons why I find it easier to write in 1st person. There's one less ambiguity to worry about.
I'm actually learning a lot from this.
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Lilith
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VenomousAngel
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| Posted: Sun Jun 17, 2012 8:07 pm Post subject: |
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Beautiful story, Coming along slowly but I believe it will be worth it in the end! Keep up the great work Lil!
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| Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 9:03 am Post subject: |
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Luke seems awfully willing to help out a bunch of people who just kidnapped him. In any case, if he truly wishes to help, tending to the wounded should be the main priority. Can't fight a war with injured soldiers.
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| Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 1:18 pm Post subject: I think. . . . |
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Hmmm, hmmm, interesting, interesting. . . . . Still so much unexplained, still so much in shadow. Makes me excited to see more! Sorry I missed the suggestion and the vote, but I'm all caught up now and can't wait to see what happens next!
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And my first Finished work Death Day
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| Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 8:16 pm Post subject: |
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Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
Chapter 8: Earth & Stone
Luke pressed his lips together firmly into a thin line; even his eyes looked like they were straining with tightness in them. “I don’t know what they can do for him, Sasha. If things are as you say… a hospital may not be able to do anything. We really should get him to these people in South Dakota. They would know better how to help him, if he was only… being controlled by whatever that stuff was you said came out of him.” He reasoned to Sasha slowly, as he gazed around at the assorted survivors of the ‘earthquake’. At least that’s what they’ll call it in the papers tomorrow anywhere nearby. Luke thought viciously as he stood up and went over to the middle-aged man in white robes, who was clutching his left shoulder and hissing in pain. “What’s wrong?” Luke asked, not harshly but not in a friendly manner either.
“My shoulder is dislocated. Damn thing always does this whenever I try to move something heavier than I should.” The man’s voice was gruff from pain but he didn’t seem as fierce or as prone to attacking as the mass of teaming leather-clad warriors in the main cavern had.
Luke gripped the man’s arm and looked him in the eye. “I can help you set it. Friend of mine always managed to pull his out in basketball practice. Not sure how but he managed to do it about once a month.” He offered, as calmly as if they weren’t surrounded by other injured people and underground. The man in the white robes gave one short nod and without warning Luke moved his sharply back. There was sickening pop, a groan, and the dislocated shoulder was back where it should have been.
“Thank-you… er… I didn’t catch your name…” The man in white asked slowly; sweat was beading his brow as he clutched his shoulder to keep the joint steady.
“Luke. Luke Henderson... and you are?” Luke offered his hand out to shake the man’s uninjured arm.
“Noah Perkins. Thank-you again.” The man in white replied, wincing as he stood up. “I heard what you and the woman there were discussing about Aiden.” Noah added, crooking his finger to get Luke to move closer so they wouldn’t be overheard by the quartet of teenagers not too far away, talking amongst them quietly.
Luke moved closer and looked over at the unconscious man on the ground that Sasha was trying to keep comfortable. “Is that Aiden?”
Noah nodded. “That’s him. The lady over by the wall, she’s Valerie, his little sister.” He pointed at the female warrior that was tying a length of torn fabric tight about her elbow, flinching whenever she moved it, apparently unscathed otherwise, as her eyes kept flicking to Aiden’s form and back to her elbow. “Aiden and Valerie have been Guardians for the Order since their mother died in an attack in their own home. The Lady Leah herself chose them when the battle was over in Seattle.” Noah informed Luke, who nodded solemnly.
“So, what can we do for Aiden? Take him to a hospital?” Luke asked curiously, intending to continue making suggestions until Noah shook his head slowly.
“No. Aiden’s only hope is the Order’s base in South Dakota. They’ll know how to best help him there… did she really de-possess him?” Noah fixed Luke with a piercing stare, his light blue eyes intense as he waited for an answer.
Luke glanced at Sasha and then back at Noah before he nodded slowly. “Yes, from how she’s describing it… I think she did... but I’m not for sure.” At the shocked look on Noah’s face when he glanced back at Sasha again, Luke could’ve kicked himself. “Could you just... not mention it? At least… not right now?”
“I won’t say a word unless someone asks, Luke Henderson. You should know, however, that not a single Mage or Guardian has been able to de-possess a human body of a demonic spirit in over five hundred years.” Noah turned away from Luke to kneel down beside the elderly woman in black robes and checked to make sure she was alright. “Easy there Elizabeth, it’s just me. You alright, old girl?”
“Of course I’m alright, despite being a bag of bones!” came Elizabeth’s feisty reply, in a heavy Spanish accent as she toddled over to the teenagers sitting in a small square. Noah sighed and followed her over to the teens, speaking in a soft voice to the elderly woman as she jabbered away.
Luke stared after Noah for a minute before he shook his head firmly, and started over toward Valerie. “Hey, you look like you could use some help with that elbow.” He offered, squatting down beside her and taking over the wrapping of the makeshift bandage around her elbow, blood weeping around the edges of the bandages.
Valerie looked up at Luke with mistrust in her green eyes, hissing through clenched teeth when he pulled the bandage tight. “Thank-you.” Her gaze swiveled right back to her brother’s unconscious form, where Sasha was mopping the cold sweat off his forehead.
Luke pressed his lips together tightly at the expression on Valerie’s face. It was one of complete despair, a person who’d lost all hope. “Hey, Noah told me that if we get Aiden to South Dakota, he’s got a chance. Why don’t you help me by telling me where this base is and helping me find transportation?”
“Who died and made you the general?” Valerie’s reply was curt and barbed she turned back to look up at Luke.
Luke heaved a sigh and stood up. “No one did, but I’m not hurt, and I’d like to see everyone get out of here alive. I didn’t have to run up and down collapsing corridors to try and find survivors. But I did because I want to make sure that you people get the help you need. Marianne asked me to.”
Valerie’s face turned back to face Luke and she was silent for a few moments before she replied, “We’re just north of Flagstaff. But we don’t need transportation. There is someone down in the holding cells that can transport her and others from one place to another within a matter of moments. She used to be a Guardian, but her magic was discovered shortly before she was imprisoned and it was deemed to be a danger to other Mages because of the nature of her magic.” Her voice was hushed and rapid as she leaned back and away from him, watching his face.
Luke studied Valerie’s face silently for about thirty seconds before he asked her the obvious questions. “Where are the jail cells? And what is this person’s name?”
“Catarinn.” The female warrior replied. She opened her mouth to say something else, paused and seemed to think better of it. “Her name is Catarinn and the holding cell she’s in is deep down under all the other tunnels. It’s where we put permanent prisoners who have no hope of re-joining society.”
Luke sighed and ran his hand over his face, then reached back and rubbed his neck. “What’re the odds of us getting out of here to a hospital for the injured and just telling the local authorities that we had nothing to do with what happened here?” He asked gravely.
Valerie hesitated as she replied, looking at the unconscious Aiden while she spoke. “If they’re not here already, they soon will be. And they’ll crawl all over this place, naming the causualties victims of a gang war or something similar. It wouldn’t end well for any of us if we went to the police. I don’t know where Catarinn’s cell is but Elizabeth will.” She pointed at the elderly woman in black robes, and as if compelled by Valerie’s point, Elizabeth rose from her sitting position by the teenagers and turned to start walking over to Luke, her dark brown wooden walking stick biting into the debris on the ground.
Without the age lines around Elizabeth’s eyes, no one would be able to tell that the elderly woman was nearing eighty. Her eyes, dark brown and bright with intelligence, sized Luke up and she put her hands on her hips. “Come on boy. As much as I dislike it, Valerie’s right. Catarinn will help us.” She walked past Luke at a pace that defied her age and he followed her, glance back once over his shoulder at the people left in the cavern.
They hadn’t gone very far down the passage when Elizabeth paused and tapped the wall with her walking stick three times. Slowly, the earth and stone parted down the middle and gradually pulled away, revealing a small, narrow and dark tunnel that sloped sharply down. “My magic as they call it, is with the stones and the earth.” Elizabeth explained, smiling at Luke’s shocked look. Like before, the woman’s voice was thick with a Spanish accent but understandable.
“I’m starting to think nothing will surprise me, Ma’am.” Luke replied faintly, peering inside the passageway and then starting down the sharp incline carefully, reaching back to help Elizabeth.
“Oh that sounds like a challenge, hermanito!” Elizabeth replied, backing up and then rushing into the passageway, past Luke and sitting right down on her bum, the incline giving way to a slope that was slick and smooth. Elizabeth let out a loud whoop as she slid down and out of sight. “Vamos!”
“Great, I get stuck with the La Vida Loca old woman.” Luke muttered quietly as he took a few more steps forward and then sat down on the slick, smoothed down portion, gave himself a small push and soon he was zipping down the rock-and-earth slide after Elizabeth. Despite all the weird stuff he’d been through recently, Luke smiled as he landed feet first on a hollowed out cavern about the size of a small bedroom, Elizabeth not too far away from him tapping her walking stick on a door at the far end of the cavern. The smile on his face faded as she pushed the door open slowly with a creak and gestured him inside.
“Catarinn’s in here, hermanito. She stopped eating several days ago, and refused water yesterday, claiming that we were all in danger. The guards took it as a madwoman’s ravings and dismissed it… but she may very well have had a vision of some sort. I’m sorry to say I advised Marianne to ignore her sister’s ravings just yesterday morning and -“
“Wait. Marianne has a sister? She kept calling me her brother.” Luke held his hands up to stop Elizabeth and narrowed his eyes at her.
Elizabeth heaved an old woman’s sigh of regret and disappointment. “Marianne and Catarinn were the twin girls that Priestess Leah gave birth to at the height of her power. Eight years later, she gave birth to you while demons were attacking the base. She tried to work magic too soon after you were born and it weakened her greatly. She died not long after and Marianne, being the twin that was born first, was taken for training to take her mother’s place.”
“And how do you know I’m that same Lucas that Marianne was calling me, Elizabeth?” Luke retorted, his voice going steely as his shoulders tensed up.
Elizabeth gave him a shrewd look. “Because you look like Jacob, your father. And because even after you were sent to a foster home, as Leah’s will ordered us to do, routine guards were watching you, all the time. We lost track of you when you turned seventeen and Catarinn was accused of killing you, as it had been her shift when we couldn’t find you anymore.”
Luke held up a hand to stop Elizabeth again. “Why is it every single explanation I get from any of you people absolutely unfuc-“
“Because this is unfortunately the truth, Lucas.” A quiet raspy voice came from the darkened room beyond the door. After glancing first at Elizabeth, who hung her head and waved her hand indicating that he should go in, Luke stepped inside the room and saw the owner of the voice was a very thin woman with dark brown hair that was matted with snarls and dirt, and grey cold eyes. The petite facial bone structure mirrored that of Marianne’s, with the exception of a long scar down the right side of her face from her brow bone to her lower jaw. Her pants were torn in several places and her shirt had several strips ribbed out of the lower portion of it to wrap around her feet, most of the foot-clothes soaked through with old blood.
“Are you Catarinn?” Luke asked suspiciously, watching the woman with growing apprehension. She cracked a sinister smile and her lower lip split in the center, blood welling up in the cut slowly.
“Yeah, I’m Catarinn, Lucas. You’ve grown up since the last time I saw you.” She replied, smirking still as she stepped into the light of the outer cavern. “Finally came home and met your crazy family, did you? Not what you expected from your birth family, huh?” She let out a taunting, harsh laugh.
Luke frowned hard at the woman before him and looked back at Elizabeth with skepticism, who looked back and gave him an encouraging gesture with her hand. He turned his face back toward Catarinn, his lip curled in disgust. “Let’s get one thing straight here, lady. I’m not related to you or anyone else that’s going around claiming that. I’m just trying to do the right thing by the people upstairs who are hurt. They think you can help them. What I want to know is will you?”
Catarinn’s face broke into a smirk, the skeletally thin fingers running through her matted hair and down her face. “Don’t want to associate with the mental woman, do you, little brother?” She threw her head back and laughed, almost cackled even. “I’ve been imprisoned by the people you want me to help, Lucas… why would I want to help them?” Catarinn replied in a singsong tone of voice, her eyes hardening as the smile vanished from her face. “Give me a reason to help them and I just might.”
Your DP: This isn’t exactly going as we had hoped, now is it? How do they convince Catarinn to help them get everyone to South Dakota using her strange magic?
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© 2007-2019 Lilith
Last edited by Lilith on Thu Jul 12, 2012 3:37 am; edited 1 time in total
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Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
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| Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 9:07 pm Post subject: |
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LOVE it Lil!! i LOVE Elizabeth...i was cracking up when you threw in the bit about the slide...reminds me of some of the crazy old people i take care of. XD anywho, i know it's harsh, but we could threaten to leave her there in the dark hole if she doesnt help...i mean, she doesnt sound like the type to go for the whole "let's do the right thing here" sort of pep talk...too bad Luke doesn't know she's the one who marked Sasha...then we could pull out the "you owe her" card. ah well...yeah, i'd say threaten, but even that might not work since she also strikes me as the type that would say, "go ahead...i've already been here this long..." who knows though? worth a shot!
loving it, girl! keep it up! =)
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sagittaeri
Scifi/Experimental Mod
Joined: 05 May 2012
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| Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 11:00 pm Post subject: |
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This is great, Lil! I love reintroduction of Catarinn...I'm curious about her mental state, and suddenly I'm not sure on who's side she's on anymore. Great job!
Catarinn hates her people for imprisoning her. But, I got a feeling she still loves her brother, and is willing to help Luke. I think he should play the family card. He may say he doesn't believe he's one of them, I'm sure deep down he knows it's true.
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