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Syranore
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 Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 6:27 pm Post subject: Twisted-Chapter 6 |
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This is my first SG, so any feedback would be appreciated.
Twisted
Prologue
Carnage. That was the only word to describe what had taken place in the offices of Excalibur Computer Security Technology Studios. Papers strewn everywhere, desks overturned, computers broken on the floor. This was the first impression that the SWAT team leader had gotten as he had entered the first floors. As he and his team approached the third floor out of six, one of the SWAT officers made a gruesome discovery. Draped over one of the cubicles was a mangled corpse, still fresh, blood dripping from lacerations and various other injuries. Continuing, the SWAT team was greeted by the stench of the dead, and the once plain walls were now covered in blood spatters overlooking more bodies. The lights suddenly went out. As the team activated their tactical flashlights, some of them thought they could hear movement all around them. One such person thought he felt something touch his leg. Yelping, he turned around, and stood motionless as he and the rest of his team once more observed the corpses. Only this time, they were moving...
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Last edited by Syranore on Sun Jun 15, 2008 6:22 pm; edited 10 times in total
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 6:43 pm Post subject: |
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Good stuff! cant wait to see what comes next! Great way with words... 
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| Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 6:47 pm Post subject: |
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Welcome to IF Syranore!
A nicely written starter... looking forward to seeing where this goes.
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Syranore
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| Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 8:06 pm Post subject: |
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A little shorter than I wanted, but I will correct that next time.
Chapter One: Tyraneous
It was almost noon in the Meadows of Josiah Lake. The gated and walled community existed on the outskirts of the metropolis of a large city. A short, stocky resident sat in his yard, listening to the radio. Another resident greeted the dwarf, and commented “Good morning. Did you heard about the SWAT team last night?”
The dwarf put on a worried expression. “That is the fourth team lost in the past month due to necromancy. They had to condemn the building. It went up in smoke a few hours earlier. The cleansing is scheduled for later this evening.”
The tall, pale elf shook his head, wondering what the world was coming to. “Anyway, are you going to be attending young Drex’s naming ceremony. He can hardly wait. About to burst out of his scales that one is.”
The dwarf laughed. “Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t avoid it. He and my Thorin are inseparable.”
-----
Later that day, there was a party. The parents stood off to the side, recalling the youthful energy they had once possessed, while the teenaged youths participated in various games and contests. At the center of the attention was a young man with dark brown hair, just a little over six feet in height, with dark red wings protruding from his back. His build was slim, and he looked like one used to physical contests and sports. He turned as one of his friends, a muscular dwarf, addressed him.
“Hey Drex, it’s almost time. Your dad wants you at the front.”
Turning to his friend, he replied quickly. “Tell my dad I’ll be right there, would’ya?”
“Sure thing.”
“Thanks, Thorin” He told his friends that he was expected at the front, and after a few minutes of excited joking, he found himself in a seat at the front of the room with his father.
His father had been forced to change to his human form to accommodate the closed in space of the house but even in his human form, his father’s huge golden wings were almost to the ceiling. Straightening up, he began to speak. “Ladies and gentlemen, beings draconic, elven, and dwarven, we are gathered here to celebrate the sixteenth birthday of my son, and his naming. Drex, please step forward.”
Following his father’s instructions, he stepped forward, and received his names. One would be his private name, that would be a reflection of his true self, the other would be a public name, known by all. His father whispered his true name in his ear, and a few runes on the floors flared in assent. Once more his father addressed him. “Arise, Tyraneous, and welcome to dragonhood.”
As a present for his naming, the newly named Tyraneous (A relatively common name among dragonfolk) and his friends were allowed for a night out in the city.
----
Upon reaching the city, Tyraneous, his dwarven friend Thorin and an elvin friend of his named Gladria, a girl just as interested in sports as any guy, decided to stop for some food. The debate on where they should eat started to heat up.
“I hate McDonald's. Their food is always greasy” Gladria stated.
Tyraneous, who was now being called Ty, put forth another suggestion. “How about that new steakhouse on the corner. I hear that it is pretty good. Cheap too.” Tyraneous had become quite aware at how limited his funds were.
Thorin pondered for a while before responding. “Sure, I’m fine with that. How ‘bout you Glad?”
“Sure, why not?” She responded. It was in the middle of their meal that things went horribly wrong.
Gladria was about to comment on the quality of her food when a sudden crash erupted in the middle of the restaurant. A large, organic-looking pod had smashed through the roof. Soon bomb sirens began to go off. The pod began to unravel, revealing several corpses that had been reanimated. Tyraneous recognized a SWAT officer among the dead. “Oh my-” Another crash announced the arrival of another pod. As the three friends ran, they noticed that the streets began to fill with the dead, both animated and still. The grotesque mockery of life that surrounded them horrified and disgusted the friends.
“This way!” Shouted Thorin. They ducked down a side alley, only to find that it was a dead end.
The undead started to shuffle into the alley. Tyraneous suddenly had an idea. “I can lift us out of here, but only one at a time.”
“Take Gladria first, I’ll be fine” Thorin replied without a second thought. As Tyraneous flew out of the alley, toting the elfin girl, he was hit by a piece of shrapnel in the wing that had been propelled by another pod landing. He crashed into a window of a nearby apartment building. When he could finally stand, he started to jump out of the window to save Thorin when Gladria screamed. Turning about, He saw several undead walking through the doorway. With a dreadful realization Tyraneous knew he would only get to save one of his friends...
DP-What to do, which friend to save? Feedback welcomed.
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Directive Chapter 2 -Complete
Last edited by Syranore on Sun Dec 16, 2007 5:39 pm; edited 1 time in total
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 8:40 pm Post subject: |
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i really like the way this story is written and the setting is perfect!
elves dwarfs goblins etc residing in our current reality without being fringe dwellers or unknowns ! loving it lol
GO MACCAS!
i say he grabs the one in the alley and they fly up to save elf chick from the undead. hopefully SWAT will follow and accidently save them... then while swat and undead are fighting they slip out...
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| Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 9:44 pm Post subject: |
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Welcome to IF Snore!
I don't have much time atm for an in depth crit, so I'll just quickly comment:
The story setting is a good one. I like it.
However, I think you're moving waaaaaay to fast with the story. No doubt the necromantic attacks are fairly key to the plot, and in the first chapter they're diving straight in.
The opening was fine. A bit of action to start the story off is quite acceptable, but then you switch to the protagonist(s) and blast right into the action. I'd have left the undeadness until the second or third chapter at least. Try holding back on the a while, build up the world and suspense slowly, let the reader get a feel for the realm you are in. There's a lot of stuff you can work with in the world you have here before getting down to the nitty gritty.
Anyway, as for the DP. Can't he throw some of the other customers in his way? Create a distraction?
I'll be back when I have more time...
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| Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 10:15 pm Post subject: |
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how about this: take the elf, deposit her on the other side of the wall that is blocking the alleyway, then hop back over and save the dwarf? Can't take too long to just do that so long as the wall is not too tall. save everyone and don't break up the party just yet.
i thought the rapid was flow was okay, but, well, to each their own. and it is only the first chappy.
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| Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 1:49 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry for the delay. I have gotten a bit sick, and I will write the chapter as soon as I can concentrate enough to form a coherent sentence.
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| Posted: Wed Dec 05, 2007 12:19 pm Post subject: |
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Welcome to IF!
Like the others, I really like the idea and setting behind the story. I’d also agree that Chinaren’s advice is sound. Having a lot of action in a story is all well and good, just make sure you spend as much time on developing the characters and story behind it all.
For example: when the pod crashes into the restaurant it just goes straight to the three friends running through the streets. Flesh things out a bit as far as their initial reaction, and what’s everyone else in the place doing when all this excitement hits? Set a bit more in the background to draw the reader in and give it a more authentic feel.
On a lesser note there were a few grammatical errors thrown in, but no more than you’ll see in most of the other SGs around. A few missing periods here and there.
| Quote: | | he found himself in a seat at the front of the room as his father. |
Should have been with his father
With that said I want to reiterate that it’s a very original idea and good start. Given the proper attention I see this SG sticking around. I'll will certainly keep an eye on it.
As far as the DP goes I say go after both. Glad is closer to him so take care of her first and then rush down to aid the other.
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| Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 3:34 pm Post subject: |
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Well, Ty's a good guy. He'll try his best to save them both.
I like your vision and your style. Cut straight to the action. Good job. Well played, and welcome to IF. I can't wait to see more.
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Abattoir Chapter 2!
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| Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 12:49 pm Post subject: |
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I'm sorry I didn't get to this sooner!
I agree that you are in danger of running this a little too fast. Still, some good action, although I'd like to see a little more understanding of what it's all about in the next few chapters.
Looking at the poll results so far it's not easy to hide what I've voted for - suffice to say that it is the most challenging choice, and the one where things are most likely to go wrong as a result.
Good stuff there, keep it up!
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Syranore
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| Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 6:33 am Post subject: |
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I am back and ready for action. I will begin writing the next chapter later today. Hopefully the length of the last chapter was a one-time issue.
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| Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 5:18 pm Post subject: |
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| Just to be contrary and demonstrate the mutation that can happen in storygames, I say he runs for it and doesn't save anyone.
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| Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 7:37 pm Post subject: |
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Longer this time round. Any opinions are welcome. Not as much action as I would have liked, but I thought that constant violence might drive my characters insane.
Breaking Point
Tyraneous grabbed Gladria’s arm and jumped out of the building. With a mighty heave he swung her onto a nearby roof. The undead were almost upon Thorin, who had picked up the leg of a broken metal table to use as a weapon. Tyraneous dragged him into the air with a labored grunt, his energy draining with each time his wings moved. By the time he got to the roof and deposited Thorin, he was almost out of energy. Tyraneous’ vision blurred, and he dropped to the roof unconscious.
-------
Two weeks later...
-------
Tyraneous sat in his room, staring at a wall. It had been some time since they had been on that roof, scared out of their minds, until a helicopter had come around looking for survivors while the army cleaned the streets of undead. The problem was that afterward not all of the half-dragon’s mind had returned from that roof. He obsessed over it, thinking about it while eating, sleeping, and almost every other activity, often forgoing such things when the thought of that roof returned. His dark hair now looked messy and unkept, and circles had appeared under his eyes. His figure, once that of an athlete, and the sort most people wished they had, had changed. His muscle remained, but he had an emaciated look about him, due to a lack of eating in the past weeks. However, nobody saw how thin he had become, and they just thought that the lack of sleep would pass in time along with his behavior. They thought it was just short-term trauma. But deep in the confines of his mind, Tyraneous knew something was wrong. He thought of the situation over and over again, realizing that he and his friends had only been lucky. Hundreds were dead, with only a few survivors in the area. Why? For what purpose? People he had known were now dead because of some madman, who had not even given any demands, or stated any objective to his attacks.
Tyraneous turned as he heard a soft clicking sound, and saw Gladria and Thorin in the doorway. “Why are you here?”, he said.
“You are acting very strange lately, you know that?” Gladria’s voice was filled with concern. “You aren’t like you used to be. What is wrong?”
“Nothing.” Tyraneous knew his voice sounded a little too snappy.
Thorin spoke up. “Ty, we’re your friends, don’t do this. We want to help.”
Tyraneous started to feel uncomfortable, and decided he wanted some solitude. “There is nothing wrong. I’m fine. I’m just relaxing, that’s all.”
“Most people don’t find staring at the wall day and night, never touching any food, and never sleeping very relaxing.”, Thorin said firmly.
Why wouldn’t they just leave him alone? They have got to realize he didn’t want company right now. “Look, I’m fine. I just want some time to myself.”
“You need to get some help,Ty. You can’t live like this forever.” Gladria started to exit the room, with Thorin following. “We just want to help, and if you ever need us, we’ll be there.”
The door closed. Tyraneous realized that his skin, which had begun to turn pale without the sun’s rays to warm it, had started to sweat. He went to lie down on his bed. A fitful sleep enveloped him. He dreamed of the dead that night.
-------
When Tyraneous awoke, he looked at his clock, and realized it was still nighttime. Groaning, he sat up. Pulling on a shirt, he exited his room. He wandered outside, and entered the orchard that had been planted in the community. As he was walking, he heard a faint crunch behind him, and turned to see Gladria.
“What are you doing here?” He said.
“You get up in the middle of the night and start wandering through the trees, and you ask me what I am doing?” Gladria said jokingly. “I like the peaceful feel of the forest. Probably some elf thing. How about you?”
“Couldn’t sleep” Tyraneous leaned against a tree.
“Is there something you want to talk about?” The worry in Gladria’s voice returned.
“You aren’t going to let this go easily, are you?” Tyraneous sighed.
“I’m not going to let it go at all, Ty” Gladria said determinately. “You need to tell somebody what’s going on. You aren’t yourself lately. Me and Thorin want our friend back.”
“Look, I’m just a little shaken up about what happened. I’ll be all right. You’ll see, don’t worry.” The conversation ended at that, and they wandered about the woods for an hour before heading back to their homes.
In some ways, that meeting did help Tyraneous, and he began to resume his normal activities. But the darkness was still there in his mind, waiting for a chance to get out...
-------
The time came when Tyraneous and his friends started to attend advance schooling at J. Crompton’s School for the Magically Gifted. It was a school where most well-to-do families in the area sent their children who had genetic, natural, or a learned magical talent. Draconic being fell under the first category, as dragons are naturally supernatural. Elves and dwarves also fell under that category. Aside from magic, the school taught advanced mathematics, various sciences, literature and writing, and computer usage as the main courses. Electives included horseback riding or flying, depending on species, computer science and development, music, politics, and various heritage courses, along with the usual sports that schools had.
As a freshman, students were required to take Algebra courses, Literature, and Biology, choosing one physical elective and three electives of choice to complete their day before returning to their dorms.
The days passed uneventful, and the scars of the past started to heal for Tyraneous. He enjoyed his flying lessons that he had each day, and was pretty good at math and science, while maintaining a decent grade in his other classes. Things were going well.
One day though, Tyraneous was looking through the school library when he came across a book that was titled “Necromancy: The Method and The Madness”. Instantly the memories came flooding back, and before he knew it he was back in his dorm room reading the book. The opening paragraph disturbed him a little.
“Let he who would look into the face of evil take care not to look too long, and he who would study the ever-consuming flame take care not to fall in. For the eyes of evil are ever looking back, and the flame of madness is ever hungry. This tome will describe how the great can fall, and how the madness cultivates a twisted cunning, and a thirst for what you will never obtain. So take care, and keep your eyes looking into the mirror of your soul, that you may not be drawn into the dark embrace of Necromancy.”
The book contained the life story of the most infamous necromancer ever to have lived, and ever to have not lived.
--------
“My name is Cairn, and I was an elf. This is the story of how I fell from the light into darkness, and what I can see now that is consuming me. I hope that he who reads this will not forget the price of power, and the beauty of life, for death is always looking to consume what life produces, and the more it consumes, the harder it is for life to recover. So it is with me, that in the last days that I may maintain my inner life, I may write my story for those who come after my passing, that they might learn from me, and see my ultimate mistake. Now take heed, and know my tale...”
--------
Cairn poured through the books at the Arcane University. He was the most talented mage that the world had seen for quite some time, and even as a student he had learned to overcome many masters simply through sheer power and ingenuity. His life of study had not had much time for social interaction, so he did not have any close friends except for the books he craved. Lately he had found some interesting books on ancient magic that had taught him several useful tricks, such as raising the dead for a time. At the time, Necromancy was a new thing, and had not yet been outlawed, but learning it made Cairn even more unapproachable to other people. Cairn had become so powerful so quickly that he had not yet learned the dangers of power. He wanted more each day, and found it in ancient texts and tomes.
There was only one person who he cared for, and that was another elf named Tria, whom he had admired since he first came to the university. She was the only thing that would pry him away from his studies. One day, he came upon some humans who were teasing her, and making several crude remarks. He nearly burned them to a crisp there, but restrained himself for Tria.
“Hey, why don’t you back off?” The men didn’t budge, either from stupidity or ignorance.
“Get lost, graverobber. Go talk to some spirits or something. They’re probably the only one’s who would like you. Can’t you see we’re busy asking Tria why she won’t hang out with us.”
Anger started to creep into Cairn. Harmful spells were forbidden on campus unless supervised, but perhaps a little scare was in order. He started to cycle through his spells mentally, when a thought occurred to him. He would scare them, and practice some of his new spells. Oh, he would show them. But...what if he got in trouble? What if the spirit did not obey, or the school expelled him, or Tria thought he was a freak...It would be so satisfying though...
-------
Tyraneous read on, eager to see what happened next Perhaps this book could show him why all of those people had to die, and maybe he could find a way to stop it from happening more...
DP- What does Cairn do? A little scare might set things to order, and bring him closer to Tria, but it might have grave consequences. Should Tyraneous even be reading this book, or should he put it down so he won’t risk being drawn into something he can’t escape?
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 7:47 pm Post subject: |
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At this point, cairn would not take vengeance. It would be an idiotic waste of resources. He should allow them to talk to Tria, let her give them the burn. And then, if they try to hurt her, only defensive spells.
Of course, it never occurs to him that Tria might want to talk to these folks. But even if she does, he would not do anything major, just tense up and walk away, knowing that she will come back with apologies.
Okay, more of a plot summary then an actual poll option, but you get the gist. And the story is most luverly.
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| Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 8:00 pm Post subject: |
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excellent writing syranore. I don't like the idea of scaring them. I like the idea of controlling them. so, cairn casts a spell mentally that allows him control over the groups conscious actions. He then uses that control to stir jealousy between the members of the group. Simultaneously he has his puppets curse one another, inflicting harm to all of them, and performing magic that gets them expelled without any being the wiser as to cairn's hand in the act. This allows him to look heroic in front of Tria, and get these irritants out of his way.
_________________
Cause I am, whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
I don't know, it's just the way I am.
eminem
without the threat of death,
there is no reason to live at all
marilyn manson
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 8:57 pm Post subject: |
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Ah good, another chapter. Don't worry about making a story all action Sy. All action does not a good story make.
The only problem I have with this chapter is the shift in POV when he starts reading the book. I think that you're probably trying to do this 'movie style' where someone starts to tell a story and then the film switches to that scene as it happened. However, here it's just confusing.
Having said that, I'm not sure what to advise on how to do it another way. I'll mull it over.
DP? Well, Messy stole the thoughts out of my mind. Do something to one of the teasers, make him do something to cause dissent in their ranks.
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Syranore
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| Posted: Mon Dec 17, 2007 4:14 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the complements, and the advice. As far as Chinaren's comments go, it did not actually occur to me that movies like to use the POV change that much until after you pointed it out. I think that having a person like Cairn around might serve as a good comparison to how Tyraneous turns out, whether or not he gets drawn into Necromancy, or manages to resist it, or whatever he does in the story. Either way, I think that changing the way Cairn is presented might make for a little akwardness and inconsistence in the story's presentation, so I think I might keep things as is for now.
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Mon Dec 17, 2007 7:56 pm Post subject: |
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I would suggest that you slow down the pace of the story - dont be in to much of a rush to proceed onwards - you need to develop the characters and the world before doing this.
I think that this story has a lot of potential and will be a very interesting read when you get into it more....
As for the DP? i'll get back to you - long with the slaughterification of your SG that you requested in chat...
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Syranore
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| Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 6:52 pm Post subject: |
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No slaughterfacation? I'll give it another day, then put up the poll.
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Kirranna
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| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 5:34 pm Post subject: |
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I like it a lot, and I xan see china's point that it reads like a movie, but agree that there might not be another way.
As for the DP, does cairn know how to create small earthquakes....it would freak out the other students and give him a chance to save the girl.... Or to be completely opposite what others would choose I say he totally rips them apart and scares the hell out of tria making her shame him and thusly throwing him into a flury of self hate and further study for power.
Just and idea...
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Mattheus
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| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 6:06 pm Post subject: |
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Good read so far.
I think that Cairn should disable them all somehow but not in an obvious way so that Tria has no idea what is going on. Then he can go up and talk to her and see if she is ok and find out what was going on. Then if everything was fine he could remove the spell, otherwise leave them like that forever..
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Syranore
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| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 10:03 am Post subject: |
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Polls up. Vote now.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 10:28 am Post subject: |
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Voted. I don't think he'd hurt them in any way - after all, it is against the rules, and mindless violence won't endear him to anyone. I think he should control of their minds, but subtly, so nothing get physical, they just go away.
On a side note, you're still advancing the story too fast. A description of the school, what it's like there would be helpful. Perhaps take the opportunity to introduce a few new friends for Ty, Thorin and Gladria. Show their characters - there's very little character development. What's in there is very good, and you have a good style, but there's not enough in there. It doesn't all have to be hard plot, remember.
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| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 10:33 am Post subject: |
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Good read there Snore. Why wouldn't he do something very unpleasant, yet not deadly?
Something like inducing abscess', blisters, carbuncles, ulcers, cankers... You get my point. 
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Syranore
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| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 6:39 pm Post subject: |
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Portal rocks. It truly does. Especially the song at the end. That almost made me regret killing GLaDoS.
Anyway, thanks for reading, voting, ect. GLaD I can provide some form of entertainment to you all.
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Head Eater
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| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 4:20 am Post subject: |
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Thissss storygame isss worthy.
Ensssure it remainsss so or I will return for your head!
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Heads.
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| Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 6:56 pm Post subject: |
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Chappy comes by the end of the week, no later.
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The Meaning Of Fear
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| Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 10:17 pm Post subject: |
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This is a good SG, but why did it suddenly change from Ty to Cairn? It's kinda confusing.
Looking foward to the next chappy though.
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Cherish all your memories, even the bad ones, for they are what makes you who you are.
Doors to the truth, an SG where a boy is propelled into worlds he is unfamiliar with. He crosses many worlds, and sees many things that force him to throw away his innocence, once, and for all. Fourth Chapter, out for viewing!
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| Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 7:03 pm Post subject: |
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Paint It, Black
Tyraneous slammed the book shut as someone walked in the room. He turned to see Thorin striding into the room as fast as his short legs would take him. “Wha-” Thorin did not let him finish.
“Ty, I need your help. I’ve loads of science homework and no idea how to do it. I can’t afford my grade to drop any more.”
Quickly shoving his books and Cairn's autobiography into his bag, he followed Thorin outside of the dorm room, down the ancient stairs, and into the dimly-lit corridors. As they walked on, Tyraneous observed his friend. Something about the way he walked was not quite right, and he appeared to be shaking, as if very excited about something. Tyraneous observations were cut short when Thorin addressed him. "I am going to stop by and get Gladria too. Her brains could come in handy."
Tyraneous' already suspicious mind worked this through. "Wouldn't two people helping you be a little counter-productive, especially with how much smarter Glad is than I am? Why are you in such a hurry, anyway?"
Tyraneous thought he saw a brief scowl cross Thorin's face, but if it did, it was only for a second. In any case, his face betrayed nothing out of the ordinary when he began to speak. "Not very much time to get this stuff done, and two heads are better than one, right? Besides, you might catch something she misses, and I also need her for some magical studies help, and you don't have that class, while she doesn't have the same nature class as us."
"Sounds like you didn't do any of your work. This is not a good habit to get into, Thor." Concern came over Tyraneous' face. This was not like Thorin. He was usually the most responsible of the group.
"So sue me." Thorin's tone was curt. "Occasionally I get behind too, you know."
Tyraneous found this even stranger, for Thorin was not the kind for sudden, quick anger. He usually was slow to anger, with it lasting a longer time. Once, when they were young, they had gotten into a minor argument, and Thorin had held a grudge about it for the rest of the year. They finally came to Gladria's room. When Thorin knocked on the door of the girl's dorm, and asked for Gladria, they were shortly greeted by a tired-looking elf. "Hi Glad. You look a little tired there." Tyraneous said.
"Ugh, yeah, thanks. Fell asleep cramming for a test tomorrow. Whadya want, anyway?"
"I was wanting some serious help with all this homework thrown on me by our merciless teachers."
"Sure thing" Gladria yawned. "I'm just surprised that you did not demand that I go to sleep like you did last time."
Thorin let out a nervous chuckle, and as he started to lead the group away, Tyraneous thought that he heard Thorin, a devout Christian, swear under his breath.
Following Thorin outside of the school building and into a large forest that the nature classes used, Tyraneous observed how still it was in the woods, as if nature itself was telling them that something was wrong today. No birds sang, no crickets chirped, no lupine wolf calls resounded resounded through the forest. All was still. They soon found themselves at a large lake whose murkey surface betrayed none of what lived in its depths. Here Thorin stopped. After staring into space for a few seconds, he turned toward Tyraneous.When he spoke, it was as if it was two voices speaking. “I noticed that you checked out a most interesting book from the library, Tyraneous. You don’t know what you have done, my good friend. You will soon find out though. Until then, I have an interesting story for you.’
“You are not the only one who has gained mental scars from the terrorist attack. However, I doubt that what happened to you could compare to my suffering. While you were flying Gladria to safety, I was helpless against the undead. All I could do was keep going backward into the alley. At one point I tripped, and cut my arm on some debris. I remember at that point I noticed that one of the zombies was acting quite peculiar. It walked more confidently, and seemed to lack the clumsiness of the other zombies, although it was a lot more decayed. I was able to surmise that this was not a recently raised undead. My first thought was to warn you, but unfortunately for me, and now for you, fate interviened'
“This zombie commander, for indeed he seemed to direct the others, reached into one of the many injuries on his body, and drew forth some of his...for lack of a better word, blood, although it was nowhere near the consistency, and reminded me of tar. He then proceeded to fling this unholy substance at my injured arm. As soon as it seeped into my cut, I saw it. The lich appeared in my head, taunting me, and telling me of the horrors that he would do. He smashed aside my mental defenses and took control of my actions, and he has been in control since then. You see, even now, my pathetic mind is scrabbling to warn you of what comes next, although I know it is way too late. You see, I was busy during all of the time at this establishment. I spread my curse to several other students, and now the one who controls this body’s actions can strike. That book you possess, it is unique to this school, a special text donated some time ago by a mysterious benefactor. That ‘benefactor’ now wishes to reclaim what he put here for safekeeping.”
Thorin, or at least whatever evil was controlling him, paused, and Tyraneous heard the screams. Seeing him distracted, Thorin’s body pulled out a dagger, and would have killed him had it not been for Gladria’s shouted warning. Speaking through Thorin, the lich threw Gladria aside. “Your time comes soon enough, little elf. You will gladly do my bidding before the day is done. However, I have more important things to attend to.” At this, several of the possessed student’s and faculty came bursting through the forest. The lich laughed. “I will let my minions deal with you.”
The lich stepped back, and the minions rushed forward. Possessing no weapons, the pair’s only defense was Gladria’s magic. As she sent out streaks of lightning, globes of fire and various other spells, she knew that they would not last against this onslaught of their former schoolmates and teachers. It seemed as if each time the air crackled with arcane power that the foes struck down by two more. On and on it went, until Gladria finally collapsed onto the grass, her exhaustion claiming her. Casting about frantically for a means of escape, hopelessness pervaded Tyraneous’ thoughts, until he could do nothing but wait for the impending doom. He couldn’t avoid any magic that was cast by the controlled students and teachers if he took to the air, not while carrying Gladria. He also knew that he could not let the book fall into the wrong hands. He must somehow find a way to guard the book, and save them both.
Tyraneous couldn’t think of a way out, except for the one that was unthinkable. There was no way he could do that, but what other option was there? Why must he make this choice? The more he thought about it, the more he realized that there was only way. You will pay for this, whoever you are, whatever you are. I will make you suffer, and I will make you beg for me to end your evil existence, and only then will I grant your wish. With those last thoughts, he took flight.
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Tyraneous decided that home was probably the best place to go. As he was flying toward his home, he checked to make sure the book was still in his backpack. Was this tome really worth what he had done? Could it help him find a way to kill the lich? Questions flooded his mind and raced about, each one crying for an answer, but receiving none.
After a few hours of flying, he decided to make camp. Landing in a large meadow, he built a fire using twigs and a small block of magnesium he had been using hin his science class. Having nothing else to do, he took out the book and began to read again.
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Cairn’s rage grew with every passing that he watched these fools. He would show them that he was not one to be trifled with. Muttering a small incantation under his breath, he felt the spell take shape within himself. He released the spell, and felt satisfaction as the mind control took effect. Shoving them aside, he approached Tria. “Uh...Hi, Tria. Were these people bothering you much?”
Tria’s reaction was not what he expected. “What did you do to them?! Why aren’t they moving?”
“B-but I thought they were annoying you.” Cairn was startled. This was not how it was supposed to be.
“No, they were just joking around. These are my friends! What did you do? Make them normal again. She paused, waiting for Cairn to undo his spell.
What are you waiting for? Let them go and get lost, you little freak!” Her voice cut Cairn to the heart, and he fled, releasing his grip on the humans’ minds.
As he ran, he could feel tears streaming down his face, and he could taste their salty sting on his tongue. Tria’s reaction had caught him completely off guard, and the hatred in her tone shocked him. Retreating to his room, he finally let his grief overwhelm him, and he fell onto his bed, the tears falling from his face soaking into the sheets.
Eventually the weeping stopped, and he faded into tormented dreams of broken hearts and the dead. As he lay thrashing in his bed, darkness overwhelmed his mind, and he awoke to a numb feeling all throughout his body. Prying himself from the tear-stained bed, he walked over to his wardrobe and selected a long, loose-fitting black robe, and having lost the only hope linking himself to the rest of mankind, dawned the robe and embraced the dark magic he had learned. Anyone who saw him could have sworn every room he walked into became darker, less friendly. And that was the birth of Cairn the Black.
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Tyraneous shut the book, and wrapped his wings around himself in a cocoon to sleep. More questions penetrated his mind, such how he was going to explain this to his parents, and would they believe him?
But there was the matter of the book. They would surely ask why the lich had attacked, and they would find out about the book and take it for safekeeping, taking with it any chance of him learning to understand this evil.
Should he even go back to his parents? What about Thorin’s and Gladria’s parents? Oh, Gladria, oh, Thorin..Sadness overwhelmed him, and he succumbed to tears. Even now they were both sure to be dead, or undead. Crying, he laid there for the entire night without sleeping.
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DP-Should Ty go back home, or not? If he does, what will he tell them? Should he allow the book to be taken?
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Syranore
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| Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 9:11 pm Post subject: |
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Found out Kirranna had nominated Twisted for SGOTM, and decided to do a revamping of the chapter.
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Cyberworm
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| Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 2:48 pm Post subject: |
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I say he should learn the dark magic Carn was learning long ago. Fight fire with fire, minions against minions... in a dark game of chess called war.
I'm evil, ain't I? 
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| Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 7:22 pm Post subject: |
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I like Cyberworm's idea! It's well-said, too!
He should creep back after a while, just to make sure that they're really dead, then return home. He should answer all of his parents' questions non-committally, then go up to his room and study the book further. I'm sure it contains all sorts of dark, necromantic secrets in it! If that was all, then it must be a very short book...
I'm certain that there's more necromantic books hidden about the place, and with those to aid him and the tome he already has as his main area of study, he'll be a powerful necromancer in no time! Once he's become strong enough, he'll discover some vital clue which allows him to find his friends again and free them from the mysterious antagonist's evil clutches!
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Last edited by Crossfire on Thu Feb 14, 2008 5:59 pm; edited 1 time in total
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theend
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 5:32 pm Post subject: |
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| nice concept, I like it, I get into any stuff about things like that. Nice story
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Syranore
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 7:06 pm Post subject: |
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| Lilith wrote: | Nicely written, Syra.......
I say he flees into the countryside.. since this book mattered more to him than his friend, he won't go home and allow the book to be taken.
He might meet an ally who could possibly explain to him what the bloody hell is going on with whoever is controlling the undead and maybe why. |
Well when you say it like that it sounds heartless. He couldn't have saved her.
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| What does he do with the ghouls? |
| Kill them. |
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75% |
[ 3 ] |
| Disguise them |
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25% |
[ 1 ] |
| Leave them on their own |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Avoid the city altogether |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
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| Total Votes : 4 |
| Who Voted: DeadManWalking, Lilith, Phantomfan, Tipico |
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