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Midnight
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 Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 9:02 pm Post subject: Sacred Ground: Chapter 6 now up! |
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Okay, I've finally finished the editing. I am 100% sure that all errors are fixed, but I'm sure someone will point something out.=P
Prologue: An arm, a brace and a girl.
What can I say. I was told not to enter and I did. They didn't think I wouldn't enter after what they said about the Sacred Ground, did they? I mean, it's me we're talking about. But either way, I entered, and now I'm going to pay the ultimate price.
~ ___________________~___________________~
I stood there, all eyes gazing upon me. I knew what it was they were really staring at. The Sacred Arm Brace. Its gold plating shining, almost blinding as the sun glazed upon it. The platinum dragon carved onto it seemed almost alive; its gleaming red eye followed its surroundings.
To tell you the truth, how was I suppose to know that the damn thing would cling to me the second I tried it on? I was never told that it was impossible to remove, heck; I never even cared for the everyday myth crap. But still, this thing was impressive, veeery impressive. Unfortunately my arm was getting itchy and there was no way of getting to it.
"He...he...he," Said Rickard stuttering. Honestly the guy needed to learn how to talk, he creeped girls away with his half unfinished sentences. If you could call it half unfinished.
"Yes, yes. I have the thing attached to my arm. But hey, if you can get it off, go on and take it off, I can hardly move my arm in the damn thing anyway." I said I needed to take some of the tension out of the situation; it was starting to creep me out. All those eyes...
"Do not refer to the Sacred Brace in such a manner! Out of all the people, it had to be you. You, who has no respect for our town’s history,. You, who cares not of learning the old ways,. You, who think all the teachings, are nothing but myths and legends." The Priest said coldly, staff pointed directly at my face.
"Yes... that sounds like me alright. But seriously, do you have to hold that thing so close to my face, you're gonna take my eye out. For someone so wise you seem to have forgotten the most important rule. Never point sharp objects at others." I replied, mocking him. It proved quite entertaining. His reaction was priceless, shocked and annoyed at the same time. But jeez, those god awful wrinkles weren't pleasant to see.
I honestly didn't care what he had to say towards me. The old crow has had it in for me ever since I was born. He probably insulted me when I wasn't even born yet. I can just picture it. 'I sense great disappointment in your child, best to have him removed right away'.
"You know that’s not a very good way to reply to one of your elders. Show some respect, especially that now you have one heck of a responsibility. You didn't just think that arm band was a decoration did you? It has a greater value than that. So valuable in fact, that I came all the way here just to steal it. But considering it's attached to you, I think I'll have to cut your arm off to receive it." A female's voice echoed from beyond the crowd. Funny how I knew she had just threatened to cut my arm off (that could lead to my death) and all I could think about was how lovely her voice sounded. All I needed now was a face to match that heavenly sound.
_________________
I would not exist if it twas day, so therefore I do not wish for light.
I want the dark, I want the night.
For my name is MIDNIGHT!
Last edited by Midnight on Mon Jan 25, 2010 6:07 pm; edited 17 times in total
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Jack_D.Mented
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| Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 9:36 pm Post subject: |
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Not a bad start. You've got a distinct voice to your narrative and that's a great thing. You know your characters and that's an excellent starting point.
At a few points in here, you need to review your grammar closely. Usually, it's minor mistakes like the wrong punctuation or a run on sentence. The very first sentence should have ended with a question mark, for instance.
The only other thing that really jumps out at me is the word "altermate." I think what you're meaning is "ultimate."
It's really a good start though. I'd very much like to see more. You've got potential and I'd like to know where this story goes.
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The Meaning Of Fear
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| Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 10:21 pm Post subject: |
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Welcome to IF, Midnight! 
I really like the narrative style of this story. I've always meant to do something like this, but never got around to. It was an enjoyable read.
However, there are some things you need to consider doing to clean up your story. Just like Jack said, grammar errors, wrong tenses and similar erros are present in the writing.
I'll list a couple of examples here (For obvious reasons I'll leave out the ones already mentioned):
| Quote: | | They didn't think I wouldn't enter after what they said about the Sacred Ground [HERE] did they. |
I'm pretty sure there should be a comma at where I've put "[HERE]".
| Quote: | | I mean, it's me where talking about. |
Not where, but were.
| Quote: | | I was never told that it was impossible to remove, heck I never even cared for those old myth story crap. |
I think it should be 'that' rather than 'those'.
| Quote: | | Unfortunatly my arm was getting itchy and there was no way of getting to it. |
Unfortunately.
| Quote: | | "He...he...he." Said Rickard stattering. |
The speech should have ended with a comma, like this: "He... he... he," said Rickard......" and so on. The placement of the full stop appears in the other bits of speech you've written too. In this case you should put a comma.
Also, it is spelled stuttering.
| Quote: | | Out of all the people that are more worthy of wearing the Sacred item, it had to be you. |
Nothing paticularly wrong here, except that it doesn't make sense. If the priest is referring to a group of people more worthy of handling the Brace, then he can't possibly be in the group. That would make him better than himself... you get the idea.
| Quote: | | The preist said coldy, staff pointed directly at my face. |
Priest.
| Quote: | | , your gonna take my eye out. |
It's you're, not your.
| Quote: | | 'I sense great disapointment in your child, best to have him remove right away'. |
"I sense great disappointment in your child, best to have him removed right away". On a completely irrelevant note, I found this sentence to be hilarious.
| Quote: | | You didn't just think that arm band was decoration did you. |
"was a decoration".
| Quote: | | So valuable infact, that I came all the way here just to steal it. |
"in fact" is two words.
I hope I managed to help with punctuation. For more in-depth suggestions, reviews, proof-reads, and so on, I recommend asking experienced IFians like Crunchyfrog.
Other than that, I really liked this beginning. Can't wait to see what Chapter 1 (I'm assuming this is a prologue because it doesn't have a Decision Point) will be like.
_________________
Cherish all your memories, even the bad ones, for they are what makes you who you are.
Doors to the truth, an SG where a boy is propelled into worlds he is unfamiliar with. He crosses many worlds, and sees many things that force him to throw away his innocence, once, and for all. Fourth Chapter, out for viewing!
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Midnight
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| Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2009 5:54 am Post subject: Next Part up soon |
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Hello guys, thanks for the few that commented, and I mean a few. lol
Helped a lot, hopefully there will be less mistakes in the next part coming out. My first was a bit messed up.
Anyway, the next chap or first chap will be out tmrw, I think. Just needs to be finished edited, then its up. I'm considering to write further chapters for this story, this next chapter should finalise that decision.
=)
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Phang
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| Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2009 9:15 am Post subject: |
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Well if you want more comments, I guess I'll have to stop lurking! 
*slips out the virtual shadows*
Though I agree with all the grammatical blah that's been said so far (and I can't be arsed to check for that sort of thing myself), this does show promise, y'know? Euh...I'm a little lost for words now. Writer's block, if you ask me.
Anyway; next chapter please! Nyeheheh. 
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2009 9:46 am Post subject: |
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*sneaks in before the next chapter*
F5 the comments on the grammatical bloopers there, they trip up an otherwise very good narrative style.
I felt a bit lost as to where we were, with nothing more than a reference to a sacred ground and a town with a history, but this is just a prologue so lets see what the next instalment brings.
As a prologue it was a successful in that I'm looking forward to your first chapter. 
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| Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2009 7:20 pm Post subject: |
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I like the cut of this one's jib Midders! I guess I've seen the revised version, 'cos it doesn't read too badly, though you still need to add a few extra space lines here and there.
Promising start though.
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Midnight
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| Posted: Tue Jan 06, 2009 1:11 am Post subject: Sacred Ground: Chapter 1 |
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Chapter 1: The Hero with the Golden Arm
There is this old legend that is told among the young and old. It is about a legendary warrior who fought and conquered the evil Zabuza. A King so vile and fearsome, his very name is considered taboo, for saying his name would bring fourth untold misfortune and evil to the one who dare speak it...
(Ooooo, intriguing, isn't it. HAPPY FACE)
But enough about Zabuza, he's not the one we want to talk about. After all he isn't that interesting, now if he had a Sacred Arm Brace that was made out of pure gold attached to his arm, that would be interesting. But he doesn't, so, were gonna talk about the one who does.
The one I speak of is none other than... Arrow.
Yes, I know, Arrow. Ridiculous name right? But anyway, I'm not here to go on about his name, however amusing it is.
Arrow held within his grasp the power of the Sacred Arm Brace, its power so frightful that even the great King Zabuza feared its very existence. It is said that the Sacred Arm Brace was forged beyond heavens gates, a way for God to help keep evil away from this land. But where its true origin lies, no-one knows.
With the knowledge of the Sacred Brace and it's power, Zabuza seeked to wield it, for he knew that if anyone were to wield it's power other than himself, he would stand defeated. But what was unknown to the King was that someone had already wielded the Brace, and as such, made it his prime duty to defeat and end the King's long reign of terror.
Nothing is really known about the battle that was taken place when the two men crossed paths. It is only known that Zabuza's body and the Brace were found at an open field. The King's body was taken away shortly after the discovery, but for some reason no-one dared touch the Sacred Arm Brace.
Instead it was left there, and over time a forest grew, securing the Brace's very existence. Now the forest is known as 'The Sacred Ground where, deep within its foliage the Sacred Brace still remains, un-stirring, undisturbed and waiting for the one who would wield it yet again.
Now you must understand that after I heard this story I was most insistent in seeing this Sacred Brace. All the elders were so worked up about how important and precious the damn thing was, I was curious to see for myself how impressive this thing really was. I mean, no-one had ever seen it. Well, in centuries anyway. How else would you know if the thing even existed if no-one had laid eyes on it for years.
Besides, its my duty as a villager to check up on it. We would want to know if it wasn't there after all, you never know, someone might of snuck in and stolen it. They might be walking around right now all high and mighty with their golden arm, being 'Oh look at me, I have the Sacred Arm Brace, I'm so powerful, I'm so grand, a dog is gnawing my leg off, but hey, that doesn't matter because I have the Sacred Arm Brace.'
So, I decided to head up towards the Sacred Grounds, like I said, it's good if I check up on it. Unfortunately wrinkles here doesn't think it's a very good idea.
“Are you listening to me Nicholas?, you are not to go into the Sacred Grounds, it's forbidden. If you do, you must first take the test to see if you are the chosen one, like everyone else your age. If you are, then you may proceed, but otherwise, STAY AWAY!” The Priest hissed. He was always going on about that chosen one crap.
“It's Niclas, not Nicholas, NIC...LAS! There is no 'CO' in my name, sheesh.” Old crow always got my name wrong, I can see the mistake being made at first, but after 18 years I'd expect him to know by now.
“What does it matter, I have no idea why I waste my breath on you. You're never listening to a word I say. Though you should. Well, I suppose I can't blame you. Your father was a trouble maker himself, and leaving you and your poor mother like that. I'm not surprised at the way you've turned out.”
“WHAT! Don't talk about my father like that. He was a good man... or so my mother says.” I trailed off. I never knew my father; he left 2 days after I was born. My mother tells me all about him, she said that he didn't leave because he choose too, but had too. She doesn't say anymore than that. But if my mother holds no grudge against him, then this freakin' Priest has no right to talk about him like that!
“Yes, well you believe what you want to believe. But the truth is your father was nothing but trouble, you'd be smart to forget about him all together.” With that the Priest left, lucky too. Said anymore and he'd find out what trouble really meant.
Well one way or another I'm going to go into that forest and there’s no way he'll be stopping me. I'll do what I want and when I damn please. Not do some stupid test to tell me if I'm worthy, that stuff is nothing but bullshit anyway. Who waits for someone to tell you if your worthy to do anything. Anyone is worthy to do anything, you make your own destiny and that’s how it is. Not that destiny is a sure way to go either, but hey, it's all I got for now.
Tonight I strike; I will find and gaze upon that Brace with my own eyes.
_________________
I would not exist if it twas day, so therefore I do not wish for light.
I want the dark, I want the night.
For my name is MIDNIGHT!
Last edited by Midnight on Fri Oct 23, 2009 6:42 pm; edited 5 times in total
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The Meaning Of Fear
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| Posted: Tue Jan 06, 2009 3:41 pm Post subject: |
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Can't wait to see how he first gets to the brace!
Oh, and the spelling and general quality of the writing seems a lot better this time around. I did, however, spot a your/you're confusion somewhere, but I don't want to go over it all to find it.
One thing I thought I might suggest is to change the way you emphasize words. For example, during the narration of and in some parts of speech, you've used apostrophes around to word to stress it, for example in:
| Quote: | | Said anymore and he'd find out what trouble 'really' meant. |
There's absolutely nothing wrong with it at all. One might, however, be confused as to why you have done this with the word, and mistake it as a part of speech. My suggestion is that you instead put the emphasized words in bold or italics.
_________________
Cherish all your memories, even the bad ones, for they are what makes you who you are.
Doors to the truth, an SG where a boy is propelled into worlds he is unfamiliar with. He crosses many worlds, and sees many things that force him to throw away his innocence, once, and for all. Fourth Chapter, out for viewing!
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Phantomfan
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| Posted: Tue Jan 06, 2009 8:33 pm Post subject: |
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This is great!
I love your names- Zabuza and Niclas. It's hard to come up with cool names- good job!
I only saw a few issues grammatically, etc. Most were minor- just some small ones I thought could possibly use some fixing.
| Quote: | | “Are you listening to me Nicholas, you are not to go into the Sacred Grounds, it's forbidden. |
You may want to try a question mark after Nicholas- makes it sound more indignant and angry.
| Quote: | | “What does it matter, I have no idea why I waste my breathe on you. |
Breath?
A few other things, but they were really small and not really all that noticable. (I've just been proofreading a lot lately, and these things jumped out at me)
Can't wait to read more!
_________________
I've been pulled back from oblivion to lurk about the City once more. Though the music of the night always beckons...
Here's some stuff I started writing a long time ago. Orb. Nexus.
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Tue Jan 06, 2009 8:46 pm Post subject: |
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lol Zabuza
That's great!
Believe it!
anyways, i think you have a great writing style.
Pretty funny, and nicely descriptive.
F5 Meany, can't WAIT to see how he gets the brace.
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Midnight
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| Posted: Wed Jan 07, 2009 5:55 pm Post subject: Sacred Grounds: Chapter 2 |
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Chapter 2: To the Sacred Grounds
We stood behind the blacksmiths watching the guards at the gate. I needed a way to go through the gates without being seen. That's what Boric was for, sure he complained half the time about how stupid my plans were, but he never backed down once for being a distraction.
The plan was easy. Boric would go up to the guards and start blabbering about some unknown subject. It didn't really matter what, as long as he kept them distracted long enough for me to sneak out the gate. As for what happens to Boric after they find out what I did... well, I hadn't got to that point yet. But Boric never asked so who am I to bring that subject up.
Seemed oddly dark tonight. Normally there would be at least a glimmer of light from the moon. But the area wasn't showing any signs of shadows erected from light at all. This was weird because there was a full moon tonight, and full moons normally give off a pretty heavy light. I was starting to wonder if Boric was needed at all. Seemed so dark I could probably pass off as a traveler just leaving.
“Are you sure you want to do this. It's a bit risky, I mean, you know what the Elders say about entering the Sacred Grounds... don't you?” Boric said, his expression filled with fear.
My best friend Boric, you could always rely on him to be the first to start worrying. Not that I blame him this time round. Sneaking into the Sacred Grounds wasn't exactly wise, because if the Elders didn't get a hold of you first, then the Regars would. I'm pretty sure Regars aren't the nicest pack of wolves around either. I've heard stories about em, and that’s enough, I don't want to be runnin' into one anytime soon. That's where preparations come in, well, a piece of meat to distract em if I happen to cross one... or several more. (I just hope that they don't mistake me for the piece of meat.)
“Of course I don't know about what they say. I only hear about it nonstop ever-ree-day. What do take me for, sheesh. Now would you quit your whining and create the diversion already?”
“Is that all I am to you? A distraction. A pawn to be used every time you have some crazy idea? I thought I was more than that.”
“Oooookay? Now, that...was freaky.”
“What do you mean? I thought I was a very important person to you. We've known each other ever since we were children, don't you care what happens to me?” Boric replied, standing slightly closer to me.
“Uh, I do care... about what happens to you. But... uh... you know... I don't think of you in that way.” I said, shuffling away from him.
“What on earth are you talking about? I thought I was more than a friend to you.” He replied confused, and placed his hand on my shoulder.
“Uh... Boric, old friend. I'm going to say this once... uh... I don't swing that way. I actually prefer females, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impressions over the years... but... umm... you know.”
“Oh my god! What is wrong with you? I didn't mean it in that sense. I mean as a brother. Jeez, what the hell?”
“Ohhhhh, okay. Phew, you had me worried there for a sec. Well then, yes, I do think of you as my brother. But that doesn't mean I ain't gonna use you as a distraction.”
“Jee-thanks. How touching, nice to know you care.” As he said that, he walked off to create the distraction.
I watched as Boric did his thing, he was good at muttering on about random things. Once he was there, he started to converse with them. From what I could see (which wasn't much, considering the lighting) the guards looked confused at what he had just said. This was ridiculous, I could hardly see anything. I had to move in closer.
I moved away from the blacksmiths and made my way towards the gate walls, which was left of me. I swear I stepped on something gross on the way there though, the ground felt way to soft for dirt after a few steps. When I arrived, I followed it up towards the guard’s tower. This was close enough for me to hear and see everything that Boric was doing, yet far enough to not be seen by him or the guards.
“I swear by my life that he's going to go to the Sacred Grounds. He's right over by the blacksmiths, he's just waiting there.” Boric said with haste.
WHAT ON EARTH WAS HE DOING! He was ratting me out, how could he do that? Was it because of that conversation we had earlier? How was I supposed to know what he was referring too?
“Right, and if he was heading out to the Sacred Grounds, why would he just stand behind the blacksmiths doing nothing? One of the guards asked him. Who seemed amused by what Boric had just told him.
“Because he's waiting for my signal. He's not exactly going to walk up here.”
“Riiight, and what would this signal be? A pat on the back, a wave, a wink, a flying dog? ” The guard chuckled, laughing at his own joke. (Which was poor) “Go back home you little brat.”
Before leaving Boric looked my way, then quickly, at the gate. That must have been it!, he knew that if he told the guards about my plan they would either believe him, and go towards the blacksmiths, which by then I would be long gone.
Or, think he's fibbing and mock him, which gives me enough time to sneak through the gate. Must hand it too him, he had me going there for a sec. So without hesitation I went through the gate and bolted for it. Now the rest was easy.
~
When I arrived at the Sacred Grounds, it didn't look like what I expected it to be. It was just a big old forest that just melded in with the rest of the forest. Heck, you wouldn't even know if you were about to enter the Sacred Grounds if it wasn't for the sign saying 'FORBIDDEN GROUNDS', aaaaaand maybe, just maybe, the big giant broken down gate in front of it. This was linked to a big giant broken down fence that (I assumed) went around the forest. So maybe it did sorta look like what I expected it to be.
I'm actually worried about opening the gate for one. It looked like it would fall down if I just tipped it. What would happen if I grabbed and swung it open? Well, there’s only one way to find out. I went ahead and opened it, careful not to make it collapse in anyway. It rattled a bit, then swayed and creaked, then swayed some more and for a moment I thought it was going to fall, then... it just swung open...
“Now all I need to do is head in the middle of the forest, because ev-ree-thing must be in the middle of a scary forest, with the scary looking trees, and the scary looking flowers, and a scary sounding wind...*gulp*. Well, I just officially scared myself shitless. Why the hell I'm I still talking to myself? Move it you idiot.”
I headed towards the middle of the Sacred Grounds, only to realize an hour later of wondering, that I had no idea which direction the middle of the Sacred Grounds was. But now that I had wondered for an hour aimlessly, it was going to be even more difficult to find the middle of this freakin' forest. Because nothing is ever easy.
“I suppose I'd better go north, with any luck I'll reach the edge and I'll just follow the fence back towards the gate. God knows how long that will take. Now where was that compass, I know I pack-. What the hell was that?” I said alarmed.
There was a deep snarling sound coming from behind the bushes and trees, but I couldn't make out what was causing the sound. As my natural reaction, I started to walk towards the sound, as dangerous as it sounded I still made my way towards it. Suddenly this wolf like figure leaped above me. As I turned around, I realized what it was.
It was a Regar. A most fearsome creature, though I had heard stories about the beast’s appearance, it was far more magnificent to see by vision than by imagination. Its size was as big as a huts, its build those of the legendary werewolves. (As it descended from them, it is expected) Its long silver fur shone in the moonlight, the first glimmer of light I had seen all night. It's teeth sharp and deadly were as white as snow, and hungered for my flesh.
The Regar stood on all fours, ready to attack its prey. Its golden eyes glaring at my direction, teeth readied to rip open my soft tender flesh... and I stood there, paralyzed, but not with fear, but with amazement.
My focus on the beast was broken the second my eyes met the item around its neck. There it was, the Sacred Arm Brace, dangling from a chain around the beasts neck. How it got there I did not know, nor was it my first thought when viewing the sacred item.
“OH COME ON, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME... A REGAR. WHERE THE HELL IS THE PEDISTAL?” I yelled, annoyed.
Nothings ever easy... *sigh*
_________________
I would not exist if it twas day, so therefore I do not wish for light.
I want the dark, I want the night.
For my name is MIDNIGHT!
Last edited by Midnight on Fri Oct 23, 2009 6:37 pm; edited 3 times in total
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Wed Jan 07, 2009 6:09 pm Post subject: |
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Nice!
I like the idea of the Regars.
hmmm...
what else can you really talk about with linear stories?
erm...
Also think that perhaps it might be interesting if Boric had tried to rat him out for real, but just gave up when the guards didn't believe him and gave our hero the signal.
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Midnight
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| Posted: Wed Jan 07, 2009 6:15 pm Post subject: Sacred Grounds: Chapter 3 |
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Chapter 3: The Regars Attack
Why do I always find myself in these types of situations? Here I am, standing in front of a Regar, who, has the Sacred Arm Brace dangling from a chain around its neck. Like getting lost isn't enough. Oh no, there must always be something guarding something. Or in this case... WEARING. How in the world I'm I supposed to acquire the Brace if I can't even get 2 inches close to it!?
“Hi there nice, harmless, big, huge... such sharp teeth.” I trailed off, pictures of what those teeth were capable of were tearing through my head.
I stood there in a trance. I was going to die, and all because of that stupid Brace. WAIT... The Brace, that’s it. If the legend is true, if I can get a hold of the Brace and wear it I'll have unexplainable power. Unexplainable power should be enough to defeat a Regar. It's not like I have any other choice here, besides getting eaten or killed, but I think that falls into the same category.
“Alright then, watch it wolfy, because I don't plan on playing nice after I get that Brace off your neck. HA HA HA.”
The reply I got from the creature was a terrifying roar, which didn't exactly add confidence in my plan. My plan was fairly simple, use the piece of meat I had packed to distract him, then while he's attention was away from me, I go in and snatch the Brace right from under him. Easy... right?
Just as I went to grab the meat out of my bag, the beast suddenly lunged at me. We both flew into the air, my vision was nothing but the creature’s sharp teeth, the smell gushing from its jaws were foul. I felt nauseated from the scent, every bit of it entering my nostrils and each time more unpleasant than the next.
The landing was rough and painful; I could feel my flesh getting torn from skidding across the ground before coming to a complete stop. The animal then started to thrash me around the open area, throwing me towards trees and slamming me onto the ground. I couldn't recall what was really happening, or what I was truly hitting. All I know is at some point I went through a tree, but everything else was a blur.
I could not fully explain the extent of pain my body was feeling, for as quickly as the wounds came, the faster they became numb. I was surprised to even be alive at this point, my body felt so weak that I could not find any strength to twitch a toe. My eyes were so heavy, they insisted on being shut closed. But I could not close them yet, not yet. I must see the Sacred Arm Brace once more before dying. After all, that is what had caused all this.
Finally the Regar stopped, and lunged at me for the final time. I knew this was it, there was nothing else. The second we landed I knew what had to come next. The Regar laid there staring at me. Its eyes golden, and deep, so deep they were hypnotizing. Such a beautiful thing for a creature so vile.
As it readied to deal the final blow, I laid my eyes upon that which I came to see, and maybe acquire.
Then... I shut my eyes.
Waiting...
_________________
I would not exist if it twas day, so therefore I do not wish for light.
I want the dark, I want the night.
For my name is MIDNIGHT!
Last edited by Midnight on Fri Oct 23, 2009 6:31 pm; edited 2 times in total
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Wed Jan 07, 2009 6:20 pm Post subject: |
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nice!
again.
same problem as before tho. No idea what else to say.
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| Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 10:42 pm Post subject: |
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Very good with the attack of the Regar. The best part so far, IMO.
Keep going.
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| Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 12:59 am Post subject: |
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Unfortunately Sacred Ground will be put on hold for awhile, as I cannot continue it at the current moment. I've lost some inspiration for the story, so I am finding it hard to create sentences for it. I seem to be forcing myself to think of what to write rather than letting it flow. So, as of now, Sacred Ground is on hold until inspiration returns. 
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I would not exist if it twas day, so therefore I do not wish for light.
I want the dark, I want the night.
For my name is MIDNIGHT!
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| Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 1:40 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | I mean, it's me where talking about. |
| Quote: | | Not where, but were. |
I was just skimming through things but, I'm pretty sure thats suppose to be we're. As in, we are.
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Adventures of John Chapter 2. I am working to update chapter 1 before I close poll and write chapter 3.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 8:31 am Post subject: |
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Catching up. Shame you're not writing at the moment. If you can't catch the style you want to writie in, try reading it back though to see what you used before.
As others have said, there are some small grammar mistakes in there sometimes. There are occasional misplaced emphasis' ((I just hope that they don't mistake me for the piece of meat.) should have emphasis on 'me'), you sometimes get 'to' and 'too mixed up and you're not sure on your 'your/you're'.
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| Posted: Wed May 20, 2009 12:35 am Post subject: Hey. I'M BACK! |
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Okay, so. I'm back and I got my mojo back for this story.
Trouble is, I don't know what to write next. I read it over and over again and there seems to be a lot of open options to which the next scene can proceed to. So... I'm going to see what you guys think should happen next.
I'll let you guys throw your ideas in, while I do some editing. (Found a lot of odd parts while I was reading through =P)
Well, I'll leave it to that.
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I would not exist if it twas day, so therefore I do not wish for light.
I want the dark, I want the night.
For my name is MIDNIGHT!
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| Posted: Sun May 24, 2009 3:40 am Post subject: |
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This seems about the right moment for someone else to enter the scene. A search party or someone who lives in this place.
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| Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 4:34 am Post subject: |
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So far I there is one idea... hmm, and its interesting. I think I'll leave it for 1 more week, and if there are no ideas I'll just.... Well, we'll see.
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I want the dark, I want the night.
For my name is MIDNIGHT!
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| Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 2:49 am Post subject: |
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Okay, hopefully this flows well. I finally got the next chapter out; hopefully it’s not too bad. =P
Chapter 4: My End, Or So I Thought.
I laid there exhausted. I waited for the death that awaited me. But something in me refused to die just yet and told me, no, controlled me.
With one sudden movement I rolled to the side, dodging the Regars attack. I saw a piece of broken wood on the ground; I grabbed it and ran so that I could create some distance between me and the Regar. It was payback time, whatever that voice was, I was glad it called out to me. For me to give up so easily, I felt ashamed.
When I turned around the Regar was gone. I looked at the surrounding area. It was a wreck, chucks of wood, branches, and trees were scattered on the ground. The dirt was red. Soaked with what I knew was my own blood. It was darker; the rain had made it impossible to see. If anything the Regar had the advantage from all possible views. But I would not go down. It had made its attack, now it was my turn.
I stood there waiting, scanning the area, hoping to see any sign of the Regar. Blood rolled down my face, arms, and chest. My body was screeching with agony, but I had to ignore all those signs, I had to concentrate. The rain helped, it’s cool feel upon my wounds was relaxing. It helped me think.
“If only I could get a hold of the Brace, then, just maybe, I could win.” I said to myself, I could hear the panic in my voice, which did not help my confidence. There was only one way this was going to go down, and it was a suicide mission. But I had to do everything in my power to beat this thing.
“I'll have to try it, even if I am to die. At least I will die trying. 'Sides, I don't really have a choice in the matter. Like this piece of wood is going to help.”
I looked around the area one more time; I knew the Regar was watching me, waiting for me to let my guard down. In the eastern end, I could see a gap between the trees, there, I saw it. Its glistening golden eyes staring at me, and there, just below its neck I saw my goal.
I sprinted towards it, and at that exact moment, the Regar sprinted towards me. However this was going to end, I would be the one victorious. I shall claim the prize I came to find and I would use its power to kill it.
I leaped into the air with my arms stretched out. I felt the agony bolt through my arm like electricity, but this was not going to stop me. I could feel the air brushing against my face; it stung the cuts along my cheeks and eyes. The pain was so bad; I had to close my eyes. With my arm outstretched, I waited for the touch that would return my life. Though this was in a matter of a second, it felt like an eternity.
Then, when all hope was fading from my body, I felt it, the smooth texture of a metal (or in this case golden) object. I wrapped my fingers around it and pulled as a hard as I could. As I pulled on the object I felt the Regar jerk and pull away. I fell to the ground face first, clutching the object around my chest. When I opened my eyes, my arm felt as if it was being squeezed.
As I looked down, I saw the Brace clinging to my right arm, wrapping its way around it like a snake. Then, with a flash, the brace extended upwards towards my shoulder, straps tightening the grip it held around my arm. It was tight but not at all suffocating, and then as it ended at my shoulder, the brace started to burn, it was sinking into my skin, becoming one with my arm. I fell to the ground yelling and clawing at the brace.
I had no doubt that it was going to take my arm off. The burning sensation was horrid; I could feel my skin cooking and the brace eating away. Smoke had started to seep from the Brace, or maybe my skin. I could not tell. After what felt like hours of pain, the burning had stopped, and as I looked down onto the brace, I saw the black dragon with its red eyes staring back at me, and I could feel a whole new power starting to emerge from my body.
I looked up, and saw the Regar sneering at me. Though it was ready to attack me, I sensed it was hesitant, and I swore I saw it tremble. Did it know what had happened, or what was about to unfold? I find it hard to believe that such a creature could even understand the power of the Brace. A power that even humans hadn't come to terms with. But I could see it in its eyes, the terror that was unfolding.
It was time.
*********
“Hey little lady, mind if I ask where your headed?” The bartender asked me, honestly, they see a young girl walk into a bar and they expect them to talk about themselves.
I did not say a word, but instead took my dagger out and slammed it into the table. Then mumbled something under my breath for effect.
"And what the hell do you want? I'm busy, can't you see that? Or do you want to be the replacement of this table?" I replied, acting as if my temper had gotten the better of me.
He stepped away from where I was sitting and continued to serve the others. I watched him and he sensed it, he stumbled over the wooden chairs and his own feet as he made his way over to the customers on the eastern table, and then almost dropped the glasses of Ale he was serving them.
People were so weak, scared by a little girl staring at them. How pathetic.
I had to control my laughter, this was just too amusing.
I finally got tired of messing with the man and continued to eat my meal. The place was nice enough I suppose, you know, if you were into those old, broken down Taverns with the feeling of home in them.
The walls were wooden; some were rotting, getting eaten from the inside out. The paintings that hung from them acted as an illusion, making the rotting walls almost non-existent. Most were of small towns and valleys, so realistic that if viewed long enough, the branches of the trees, the animals and people appeared to move and come alive. If you wanted to believe, I suppose you could've joined them.
Besides the paintings, trophies of animals hung on the walls too, even rugs. There really wasn't anything that couldn't be hung up. Hell, even cutlery was considered art. But the main thing that made the Tavern warm and home like was the fireplace. The warm orange-yellowish color that filled the room was calming; it could've soothed a crying baby to sleep.
But I wasn't much for the calm and peace; I just wanted to get information about the nearby village. After all, I was only here for one reason.
“Hey, bartender. I have something to ask you.” I said, calling the man over to me. I saw him jump when I called him; I guess he didn't expect me to say anything more to him. In truth I didn't, but I was getting so tired of dealing with maps. Such time consuming things. Action! I NEED ACTION!
He made his way over, almost dropping the glass he was cleaning.
“Yes? What can I help you with?” He replied with false confidence in his voice. If he was trying to act like he wasn't the least bit scared of me, he had already failed when he made his way over to the last customers. But at least he was trying.
“I'm looking for a village, it’s not far from here, or so this map tells me. See?” I pointed to the small circle on the map, in the middle of the circle it said “Town of Lagaro, home of the Sacred Brace.”
“Ah, yes. It isn't far, should only take you about two hours on foot if you head West from here. The map says go South-West, but that would take you another two days, heading West is faster.”
“West eh? If it’s faster to head that way, then why doesn't it just say that on the map? Doesn't make much sense. Unless there’s a catch.”
“Yes, well. It is faster to go west, but... there are a lot more bandits and wild animals that are likely to attack you if you head that way. I only suggested it because I assumed you were looking for a faster route than that map is telling you.” He replied, still cleaning the glass he had bought over.
“Well I was hoping for a faster route. Hmm, bandits and wild animals. That sounds quite interesting, “I smirked, I was itching to have some fun, what a great way to get warmed up. “Well, thanks for your help, here, the payment for the meal.” He was going to say something, but I was already by the door.
Outside it had already started to rain heavily. Like that was going to stop me. I put the map back inside my backpack and headed west. In two hours I would be at Lagaro, home of the Sacred Brace.
How exciting...
*********
I awoke face down on the ground. The rain had finally stopped and I could see the sun starting to peer through the sky. My head was heavy and I felt dizzy. I made my way onto my legs, pain shot through them which eventually made its way around my body. I looked around and found the Regar head first into the giant boulder.
“What happened?” I managed to say aloud. My head still heavy and mind still dizzy.
I didn't remember what happened at all; it was all a blur, like I had drank too much Ale the previous night and was now suffering the consequences. I looked at my arm and saw the brace still attached to it. I remember how it had clung to my arm the second I grabbed it then me racing towards the Regar, but after that... nothing.
No matter, I didn't have much time to reminisce; I had to get back to the village before the sun was truly up. I made my way towards my bag, which was resting next to a tree branch. Just as I reached for, I remembered that I had no idea which way was out. That and it seemed that I had lost the compass that I had brought with me, along with most of the equipment.
I made my way towards (what I thought) was the direction I had gone to last night, when suddenly my arm lifted and started to point towards the right. I turned and saw that the brace was glowing; the dragons red eye had created a thin red line towards the trees. Was it was showing me the way out? I shrugged.
“Well its better than walking around aimlessly. I think I'll take my chances with the brace. After all, “I paused and looked at the unmoving Regar still head first into the boulder. “It seems to have saved my life.” I chuckled, but stopped from a moan. The pain was really starting to kick in.
This trip well be juuust great...
_________________
I would not exist if it twas day, so therefore I do not wish for light.
I want the dark, I want the night.
For my name is MIDNIGHT!
Last edited by Midnight on Sat Oct 24, 2009 7:46 pm; edited 5 times in total
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 7:21 pm Post subject: |
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Hmmm... some basic grammar and spelling stuff that needs to be fixed. Look it over with an eye for that.
But also, it seems a little too easy to frighten the barkeep. I feel like more besides a vicious statement would be needed.
You did a very good job with the suspense in the fight scene though. Enthralling, or some such synonym.
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Midnight
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| Posted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 10:49 pm Post subject: |
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I get what you mean about the bartender and girl scene. It has been bugging me.
I actually decided to describe what it is about her thats so scary when she meets Niclas. But I'm not sure if readers will connect the dots because there is such a large gap.
I'll see what I can do about the scene. Thx DMW =D
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I would not exist if it twas day, so therefore I do not wish for light.
I want the dark, I want the night.
For my name is MIDNIGHT!
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| Posted: Thu Oct 22, 2009 8:58 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter 5: Arrow Morningstar.
“Father!” A small boy yelled happily. It had been a long time since he had seen his father and he had awaited his return all day. The tall man kneeled down with his arm outstretched. The boy ran into them, he longed to feel the warmth and safe feeling his father’s embrace held. It had been too long. His mother ran and stopped just below the stairs. She smiled and the tall man smiled back.
“It has been too long.” He sighed, his smile bought wrinkles across his face which made him look older than his actual age.
The sun shone a warm yellow, the sky filled with orange as the sun lowered itself for sleep. The portrait was perfect, if only the world could stop and this peaceful moment could stay forever. The young boy looked up at his father; he was just as he remembered him. He still had the soft, gentle smile. His green eyes still glistening with happiness and his blonde hair ruffled from the wind. All but a scar on his chin was the same. It was just a small cut, no longer than a centimeter, but it still made the boy wonder how he had gotten it.
“Come, I have a present for you.” The man said to his son. The boy nodded and he carried him inside, whispering into his wife’s ear before entering the house.
~~______________________________________~~______________________________________~~
“WOAH! What is it?” The boy asked his father, still holding a golden like colored brace in his hand.
“Can’t you guess? You wear them all the time.” His father replied, a chuckle in his voice.
“But… it’s too heavy to be a brace. Isn’t it? I mean its heavy for me.”
“Ah, but you see, this is a proper brace. It is one that is worn by warriors in battle. Except this particular one is special.”
“Special?” He replied to his father confused. He had never heard of any type of special brace. What made this one special?
“Yes, special. Wear this now and you will never have to take it off. It will grow as you grow, and who knows, you might uncover more of its secrets as you get older.” His father replied, smiling at him. Again the scar bugged him; there was something that made him uneasy inside from seeing it.
“Father? May I ask where you got the scar? You know the one on your chin. I don’t recall it being there before.”
His father looked at his mother, and they returned grim stares at each other. Before his father had given him the brace, his father and his mother had a long talk in the kitchen, and when they emerged back into the main room they both had worried expressions.
“Father? Is something wrong?” The boy asked, shortly after not receiving an instant reply.
“Uh, no. Nothing is wrong. I just fell over and cut myself while on my travels.” His father smiled, but his smile was not sincere, nevertheless the boy smiled back and put all his worries behind him.
He put the brace on his right arm and watched it ride up to his shoulder. For something he had felt to be heavy a few moments ago, was now light as a feather. His father was right; this brace was a special brace. The boy stared into the dragon’s eyes that were embedded into the golden like object. They shone a bright red.
~~______________________________________~~______________________________________~~
The boy awoke to the sound of yelling; he got out of his bed and looked outside his window. People were outside the house yelling profanities; they were armed with swords and were wearing heavy armor. Suddenly panic ran through his body, what were they doing? Why were they here? His breathing became heavy and soon he started to hyperventilate, he ran around his room, swinging his head rapidly, looking for something, but he did not know what.
The door swung open and made a loud bang as it hit the wall. It was his father, relief kicked in, but for long. His father grabbed him roughly on the arm and started to drag him towards the stairs. He looked up at his father; he could see tears in his eyes. Why was he crying?
They stopped at his fathers and mothers room. His father let go of his arm, he kneeled down to his level and gripped his shoulders tightly. He wiped some tears that were rolling down his cheeks, and then did the same to him. The boy had not notice that he had began to cry also.
“Listen to me,” His father said, his voice was filled with urgency and grief. “I have to get something from the room. You must not come in. Do you understand? Do not come in, stay here.”
As his father said the last few words, tears began to swell in his eyes. Why couldn’t he come in with him? What was wrong? Instead of asking these questions, he asked his father that had bugged him since he came into his room.
“Where is mother?” He replied, with a small voice.
His father gripped his shoulder tighter. He did not reply. Instead he got up and walked into the room, telling him one more time not to enter.
The young boy stayed outside his parents’ bedroom door, waiting for his father to return. Why had his father not answered him? Where was mother? He could not stop himself from wondering why.
After waiting for as long as he could, he decided to go in to look for his father. He looked at the door and took a deep breath before laying his small hand over the handle door and opening it.
“Father,” He said cautiously as he entered the room. “Fa-“He stopped in his tracks. His eyes pinned to his mother.
Tears started to swell in his eyes, his head had started to spin, and he could feel his legs starting to collapse. His mother was lying on the bed, she seemed so peaceful. Anyone would’ve thought she was sleeping. But she was not. Just below his mother’s collarbone, he saw a blade of some sort standing upright from his mother’s chest.
Blood was running down the covers dripping onto another person on the floor. The young boy moved his vision towards the man on the ground, he had a blade sticking out of his back, and his arm was resting awkwardly on his side.
His father came out of the bathroom and stared at his son in horror.
“I told you not to enter! WHY DIDN’T YOU LISTEN?” His father yelled at him. His eyes filled with shock and anger.
"Father... moth...er?" He replied, still in shock. But his father didn't seem to be paying attention.
"Not like this. You can't. Not like this!" His father was in his own world. He had not wanted his son to see this, "The brace." He mumbled, but the boy did not understand.
Without thinking he ran out of the room and made his way downstairs. He could hear his father calling out to him. But he could not control himself; he couldn’t believe what was happening. What had happened.
He ran outside where the people were yelling, they tried to grab him, but he was too fast. He could hear them chasing him, but stopped when a man yelled out to them. The boy did not turn to see what was happening behind him, he couldn’t stop himself from running. As he ran, the last few words his father had yelled to him ran over and over again in his head.
‘Arrow, you can save her!’
What did he mean?
_________________
I would not exist if it twas day, so therefore I do not wish for light.
I want the dark, I want the night.
For my name is MIDNIGHT!
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| Posted: Mon Jan 25, 2010 6:20 pm Post subject: Chapter 6: The True Beginning |
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I'm sorry if this seemed rushed, or if it completely loses you. But I had to make this chapter as is or I would have found myself repeating the prologue. Well enjoy =D
Chapter 6: The True Beginning
If you had thought that my story began on chapter one, you are mistaken. My story begins now; I have acquired the Brace and am now following a woman that had threatened to kill me. The village Priest didn’t seem to have a problem with casting me away, even with the Golden Brace by my side.
I could not even see my mother for a last time, one can only imagine the lies the Priest has told her by now. From all that I have been through you would think I would be happy, I acquired the Brace and have finally left the village, I should be happier… but alas I am not.
“I can’t believe they set me aside.” Niclas mumbled to himself, he had left the village an hour ago and had been fretting his mother’s state.
“Stop your whining, boy. Just walk and don’t talk.” The woman replied.
As innocent as Niclas had thought she looked, she was anything but. She had threatened to cut his arm off so that she could acquire the Brace, but had changed her mind shortly after. He still does not know what her plans are, but they cannot be for his benefit.
“Boy? We cannot be but the same age. Why do you call me that?”
“Because you are a child, to put it simply, your attitude is that of one.” She retorted. Her voice was calm and did not seem to hold anger, despite this, the very sentence made a shiver run down Niclas’s back.
He did not answer her back; instead he gave her a glare from behind. She still had not told him her name and he was beginning to wonder what it could have been.
She was beautiful in his eyes; brown hair neatly tied into a ponytail that ran down mid-back. She had a fringe that lay just above her eyelashes with two longer strains running to her shoulders next to her ear. Her eyes were aqua and something laid beneath them for whenever he had made full contact with them he felt as though he was paralyzed.
He could not wait any longer; she had to tell him about herself, besides they were traveling together.
“So… care to tell me your name?” He asked her, making it sound extremely casual, maybe too casual.
“Have we not been through this already?” She replied her voice calm and steady as always.
“We have? Funny, I don’t recall.”
“I’m sure,” He swore he heard her sigh in annoyance, but then it could’ve been the wind. “…No.”
“No? I don’t understand.” Niclas replied, he understood full well, but he was not going to stop until she answered.
“I am not going to tell you my name. It is irrelevant… for now.”
“For now? So you do plan to tell me at some stage of our journey together?”
“Yes, I shall tell you m-,” She paused, as if contemplating something. “Journey together? Since when was it us journeying together?
“Since we left the village of course.” He was being cheeky and he knew he was pushing his luck, but maybe he could get her to loosen up a bit.
“Since we le-.” She stopped walking and turned to face him, taking a few steps closer. “Are you mad or just completely arrogant?”
“Hmm, both really. But beggars can’t be choosers.”
“… Yes.” She turned around and continued to walk.
“… So is tha-.” She cut him off.
“If I tell you my name will you shut up?” Her tone changed and he was glad that she could be annoyed.
“I don’t know… for how long?”
“You’re pushing it, you do understand that.”
“Of course, but I am asking for your sake.”
“I find it hard to believe that you ask for my sake.”
“Well, believe it. Cause I could simply shut my mouth for a second or two then start up again.” He smiled, he knew she could not see, but he knew she could sense it.
“Unless I cut out or tongue.” Now he could sense her smiling.
“But then you would have to put up with the moaning. Oh god the moaning.”
“For the rest of the trip.”
“Yes, I would moan for the rest of the trip. Wherever we are going.”
“No… you misunderstand. Stay quiet for the rest.”
“Hmm, I think I will manage.”
“You have better,” She stopped walking and turned around to face him. “My name is Valkryie Mona.”
“…That’s a very interesting name, no really nev-“
“Quiet” She retorted, then turned around and continued walking.
Niclas could not help but smile.
Yes, this was the beginning.
The true beginning…
_________________
I would not exist if it twas day, so therefore I do not wish for light.
I want the dark, I want the night.
For my name is MIDNIGHT!
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Midnight
Citizen
Joined: 30 Sep 2008
Topics: 7
Posts: 300
Location: Lurking under the shadows, waiting for the moment.
Items
Legends
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| Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2010 8:28 pm Post subject: |
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Story stopped.
_________________
I would not exist if it twas day, so therefore I do not wish for light.
I want the dark, I want the night.
For my name is MIDNIGHT!
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