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misterbiz
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 09, 2011 4:59 pm    Post subject: Kissing The Darkness Reply with quote

Biz Bit: Alright folks, time for Biz to do a murder mystery. Just to make sure that I don't lose too many readers. I am going to be holding a small contest near the end. Said contest will be to figure out who the villain is. I will be offering 150 fables to the first three to guess it. Of course I will let you know when said contest is in effect. That's what we like to call an incentive boys and girls. Also, This prologue has no DP. It merely sets the tone for future events.

The Lair of the Master
Tuesday 2:37 A.M.


A tired young girl leaned up against a stone pillar and started to breathe heavily. Her eyes darted around the black stone hallways as her ears perked up, listening for any sound of her captors approach. She gave another look around before crouching down for a moment. A soft whimper slipped through her lips as a shot of burning pain was scattered through her body.

She had no idea where she was or what direction she was heading in. All she knew was that she had to escape. Whatever her tormentors had planned, she knew that it would be vicious and ugly and that there was no way she'd survive it. After a moment, she rose and cried softly again as more pain erupted in her body.

"Trying to run again, Sarah?" A voice said, echoing through the halls. The voice was a bit deep and riddled with traces of arrogance and self amusement. Sarah looked around quickly, trying to find the source of the voice. After a couple quick moments, she turned and saw it. At the end of the hall, where torchlight had once illuminated was now covered with a swirling untouchable darkness. Her eyes widened in terror as she gazed at it.

She couldn't see within it but she knew that He was there. The bastard that pulled the strings of her tormentors. The one that they all called The Master. She swallowed a bit and continued to stare at the horrid blackness until the next set of torches was blown out.

She spun on her heels and ran. The smooth and cold stone floor starting to sting on her bare feet. The makeshift cloth dress she wore fluttered slightly against her flesh as she sprinted away from sure annihilation. She ran until her knees threatened to snap and then ran a few more yards through the vast and endless hallways of her stone prison.After a short-lived eternity of endless running, she screeched to a halt. Straight ahead of her, torch after torch was extinguished.

She turned to run in the opposity direction but was frozen as she watched more torch light suddenly disappear. Her eyes bounced around and watched as torches in all directions were put out by some unseen force until she was plunged into the same soul crushing darkness.

"Please," she said as tears filled her eyes. "Just let me go. I won't tell anyone. I promise."

A low chuckle echoed from the surrounding darkness causing a chill to run down her spine. She moved around in a circle, trying to pinpoint the source of the vile laughter.

"How typically cliche," The Master said before letting out another chuckle. "Please, if you're going to beg please do it without sounding like your in a low budget slasher flick. So, please try again. Beg like your life depends on it."

More tears poured from Sarah's eyes as she gazed into the darkness, trying to figure out where the evil laughter was coming from. She swallowed and managed to gain a good bit of her composure. An act that was hard to do considering that she knew a vicious sadist was watching her. She could almost sense the vile delusions he was having of her. Slowly she lowered herself down onto her knees, the cold stone feeling nice against the pain that they felt.

"I'll do whatever you want just please don't hurt me. Let me go and I'll make you quite happy. I've got money and other assets," she said, her voice trembling as if she was caught in an earthquake.

"Bribery and seduction, eh? Nice try," The Master uttered. "Really nice but isn't that what got you here in the first place? You offered the wrong man the wrong type of good and now you're here. Try once more. Go ahead."

She opened her mouth to speak but couldn't as a batch of heavy sobs overwhelmed her. She buried her face in her hands, her brunette hair cascading down. Another low chuckle emerged from the bleakness surrounding her. The laughter grew to a vile crescendo slowly turning from a chuckle to mild laughter to a vicious ear shattering cackle.

"What do you want from me?" Sarah asked looking around in the darkness. "Why did you bring me here? Answer me, you sick fuck. What the fuck do you want?"

"Revelations and enlightenments, my dear girl. Retributions and salvations. This world is wretched. The earth is scattered with filth and must be cleansed. I will lead the world into the light by showing it the dangers of the darkness. And you, Sarah, will be one of my messengers."

"Why me?" she asked as she moved into a sitting position, pulling her knees to her chest. "Why did you choose me?"

"Simple. Because you have lived a life of darkness, my dear. Abused and alone, you gave in to vice instead of turning to virtue. Now, you can have a bigger purpose. You will not be remembered as just another pathetic lady of the night but as something more."

Sarah lowered her face and buried her face in her knees. "Please just let me go. I'll be good, I'll never hook again, I swear."

For a moment there was nothing but unbearable silence before she felt a sharp pain in her neck as a needle was plunged into her carotid artery. She gave a slight jump before her body started to quickly become limp.

"I know you won't, my dear," The Master said. Sarah let out a loud whimper as she started to fade quickly , doing her best to fight the unconsciousness that was threatening her. "Now rest. It will all be over soon. I promise. Very very soon."

Another soft whimper passed through the young woman's lips before she fell quickly into a blissful unconsciousness. As The Master rose and let the girls still form drop to the ground, the torches lit up one by one down the halls, with the sole exception of ones in a five feet radius from where he stood.

The Master stared down at her body as the clicks of a pair of high heels on stone echoed through the halls. The Master looked up from Sarah and watched as another young woman strolled through the halls in his direction, her crimson dress sweeping the ground behind her. Her face was hidden behind a blank whit tragedy mask that was framed perfectly by a waterfall of raven black hair.

"Ah, my lovely lady of eternal euthanasia," he said.

"Is the girl ready, Master?" The Lady asked.

"Yes," The Master responded. "Take her to the ceremony chamber and prepare her for the ritual."

The Lady curtsied and started into the darkness. Before she got more than three steps into the darkness, The Master rushed froward and caught her with a vicious backhand. Just as she was reeling from the pain of it, she felt a tight grip around her throat. It squeezed her neck tight causing her to choke as her breath was stolen from her.

"Never enter my darkness," he said. "Only me and my sacrifices may stand in it. Understand?"

The Lady nodded and was promptly released from her master's grip. The Master let out a snort and walked on down the hall, the darkness following him as he walked. Behind him, torches lit him as he passed them, allowing light to shine upon the fallen form of The Lady and The Victim. The Lady coughed and looked up at the moving darkness and smiled under her mask.

"As you command, my master," she said.
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 09, 2011 6:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a very good start, Biz! Has certainly left me asking questions about what's going on, and what's going to happen next. Wink

Quote:
Her face was hidden behind a blank whit tragedy mask that was framed perfectly by a waterfall of raven black hair.


Just noticed this little typo, but that's all.


The master sounds truly vile and sadistic. I can see him becoming a majorly creepy character, and I can see that possibly being the case with this masked lady too. The smile at the end, just makes one think there's more to her than meets the eye. One also wonders what they actually are... All in a very intriguing start, not least due to the impending contest. Fabulous idea, by the way!

Looking forward to seeing more of this Biz, very much so! Smile

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2011 5:30 am    Post subject: I Think....... Reply with quote

I am in the loveing of theis! Dark, desolate......evil......*Dark heart shudders* Yes, I am luving this one.....

Personaly, I really like the Master thus far. A very well portraied example of a sick twisted messaia complex! *Bounces around* Can't wait for this one to get up and running!!





. . . . . . . .So what are you waiting for, GET STARTED! *Grins*
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2011 8:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wonderfully fun beginning! Perhaps not the reaction you're looking for no? But I've read this before, or at least enough to understand this is an adaptation. And the way you adapted it was quite good.

I'm going to f5 Tika there in saying that in this version, the Master comes across as something possibly less (or more Wink ) than human. This is derived by such tantalizing clues as 'he snorted' etc... And yes, the Lady comes off as even more twisted than he perhaps in that she seems so willing to bow to the darkness while as he seems made of it.

Looking forward to more, as always! Looking forward to DPs here actually...
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 1:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tantalising. An abstract scene, with the only link to the outside world being Sarah's past life - and no clue yet as to whether what happens next will be the actual murder we'll be investigating.

A few notes of critique if I may: (Yeah, I should really ask first but need to get back into practice) - these are just my observations, take them aboard or discard as you think best.

The scene conveys the atmosphere well, and you can feel the desperation in our protagonist. But there are opportunities to make big improvements to this, just by keeping a few fundamental ideas in mind as you write, not just in this piece, but in all your writing. Some examples below:

Quote:
A tired young girl leaned up against a stone pillar and started to breathe heavily. Her eyes darted around the black stone hallways as her ears perked up, listening for any sound of her captors approach. She gave another look around before crouching down for a moment.


Give Sarah her name up front. We need some form of identity so we can care about her from the off. Without knowing at this stage who she is, or what she's running from makes it less easy.

Instead of telling us she's tired, show us. The way you've shown her distress through her eyes darting around works well. But the way you've written her crouching down for a moment looks as if she's tying her shoelace or taking a pee. More likely she leaned against the pillar and slid down it through exhaustion, aggravating whatever pain has been caused in her body. Is that closer to what you had in mind? See if there is any way you can streamline this desperate moment where she stops to catch her breath, and at the same time listens for her pursuer.

Quote:
A soft whimper slipped through her lips as a shot of burning pain was scattered through her body
- Highlighted phrase is passive, meaning it sounds like something is scattering the pain through her body but we don't know what. Just by removing the word 'was', you get rid of this passive voice, making that shot of pain seem more significant. Put the shot of pain before the whimper in the sentence, and you get a much bigger impact still.

Quote:
Whatever her tormentors had planned, she knew that it would be vicious and ugly and that there was no way she'd survive it.
Try adding the words 'this time' to the end of the sentence, and look how much more it conveys. It suggests she's been through the torture before, and it might explain the pain she is feeling now. Not only that, it underlines her fear of what's yet to come.

Quote:
Sarah looked around quickly, trying to find the source of the voice. After a couple quick moments, she turned and saw it. At the end of the hall, where torchlight had once illuminated was now covered with a swirling untouchable darkness. Her eyes widened in terror as she gazed at it.
Watch out for word repetition. How quick can a moment be? Do you need to quantify the time in moments?

Try to think about timing to get the most out of just a few words. In this passage you have 3 things happening simultaneously. a) Sarah turns and locates the direction of the voice. b) The darkness overpowers the light of the torches. c) Sarah makes the connection and reacts by widening her eyes. To get a better impression of this all happening at once, try and condense it into fewer words, maybe even a single sentence.

Here's an unrelated example, showing the same 3 types of events happening almost simultaneously: Jack turned just in time to see Jill's head disappear below the churning water and he screamed for help.




Now from the moment Sarah gets the needle in the neck, we shift POV away from her and into the omniscient. Even though the Master was invisible to Sarah in the darkness, we witness him staring down at her body, and also grabbing the Lady by the throat. That means that we can now see him in the dark, and that means that the Master needs some description.

But - if you don't want to give him a physical description (at least not yet) one solution would be to keep the viewpoint camera outside of the darkness, which would make for some intereting effects as the Master's shadow moves away from the unconscious Sarah and near throttled Lady.

Well, I hope some of this provides some food for thought. This prologue is promising a good read to follow and I'm looking forward to your first chapter. Smile
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2011 3:19 pm    Post subject: Chapter 1 Reply with quote

Alley Behind Charon's Liquor
Tuesday 10:58 AM


Every man has ghosts. Some rotting, wretched beast of burden that follows close behind you, reminding you that you're eternally imperfect. That you're a failure and will continue to be so. I thought I had come to terms with mine and managed to beast it into a quiet submission. Unfortunately, that was before this morning. Before I had gotten a call saying that the psychopath of the week has shown himself today. Before I first laid eyes on the young girl who was laying slumped against a large green dumpster.

The hive of officers buzzed around me, shooing away reporters and scanning the scene, as I stared down at the young woman. She was dressed in a clean and bright white dress. Not just any kind of whit though. One that people use as a symbol of purity. The same bright, pure white that stained every wedding I had ever attended.

He face was covered by a downpour of golden hair that flowed down to her shoulders. Her shoes were missing, yet there was a spec of dirt upon her cold, clammy feet. Weaning she did not end up against this dumpster of her own volition. A fact I could have guessed by her current state and the cleanliness of her dress. Letting out a sigh, I removed my glasses and rubbed my eyes a bit. After a few seconds, I slid them back on and continued to stare and study the girl in front of me.

Even though I couldn't see her face, I knew exactly who she was. The small tattoo on the back of her hand gave her away. The design was of a skull with a tattoo in the center of its forehead. I knelt down and gently pushed some of the hair out of her face until I could see her lifeless blue eyes. My suspicions of her identity were quickly confirmed. Suicide Sammy. Professional exotic dancer and part time back alley handjob artist. I let her hair return to its normal position and stood up.

"Ah, Wolfe, you made it," a strong voice said from behind me. A smirk played subtly across my lips. Without so much as a glance to see who it was, I gave a nod.

"Yeah, Zebulon, I made it," I said.

I looked to my right as a broad shoulder gentleman approached."Hey, only my wife calls me that. You know better," he said. I cast a glance over at him and watched as he readjusted his glasses.

"The question is why did you call me out here. This just appears to be your average everyday murder."

He gave a small nod before letting out a deep sign, that was filled to the brim with unease and nervousness.

"I thought so too but this is the third body in five days. And we found this," he said, snapping his fingers, causing a random forensics guy to bring over an evidence bag. Z took it from the guy and handed it to me. Inside the clear plastic bag was a sheet of paper covered with strange symbols. I arched an eyebrow as I studied them for a moment. They seemed vaguely familiar to me. It was deja vu of the worst variety. That kind that made all of my ghosts chuckle and whisper to each other

"Odd symbols, could be part of a dead language of some kind. Alternative religion, perhaps," I said. As the last words left my mouth it hit me. I gazed at symbols closer and swallowed hard as a bead of sweat plummeted down my brow.

"Flip it over," he said. In a mechanical fashion, I obeyed. The other side of the paper held a picture of a young woman in a similar position. A young blonde that was leaning up against a wall. Her face was covered by long blonde hair. The same white dress covered her form. The only difference between Sam and the photo girl was the tattoo and the bust size. Yet still, I recognized the girl in the photo. I had seen her before. Though not here. Not on the streets of Signet City. No. It was in Las Vegas. The city of sin and the den of despair. It was him. I was sure of it. After half a decade, he was back.

"Fuck," I muttered, handing the evidence bag back to him. "I can't believe it. That dirty son of a fucking whore."

"Alright there, champ?" Z asked.

"No. This is bad. Look, did the other bodies have notes and pictures?"

"Yeah."

"Fuck. Ok, look. Who found the body? Do you have any other witnesses? What else have you found?"

"Um, garbageman found her. He's being talked to already. Only witness is the owner of the liquor store but he doesn't know much. Just heard a ruckus out here last night. Thought it was some cats. What's the deal, man? What do you know about this?"

"What I know is that in one month, if this guy isn't caught, he won't be," I told him, looking away from the body and flooding my mind with a mental stream of expletives that would have made an angry biker blush.

"You know who did this?" Z asked looking hopeful. "Speak up, man, don't hold out. I called you in on this to consult and help us bag the guy. Who is it?"

"A cult leader. Calls himself The Master. He is responsible for at least twenty six murders."

"Holy shit," Z said. "How'd he get away with that?"

"No evidence. Loyal followers. Kills seven people over a month's time. After each cycle, his six, sick followers walk into the police station and kill themselves. He's got this down to a careful routine."

"Wait. Each cycle?" Z asked, following me as I started to pace. The very thought of The Master making me unable to stand still. I knew he was here for me. Showing off. And in case he was watching, I wouldn't make it easy for him to watch me. After all, its harder to hit a moving target.

"Yeah. He kills for a month then he rests for a hand full of months. Then he starts it again. Done it twice so far but it's been years since he's been active."

I looked back to the body and sighed as I realized the gravity of the situation. This poor girl had suffered. Her body appeared to be virtually untouched but I know that she suffered. The master wasn't known for his mercy or kindness. My gaze moved like a security camera and looked down the alley at a couple of officers talking to a guy in a green jumpsuit. Slowly it moved in the opposite direction and looked at the officers that scurried around, trying to sniff out clues. Clues I was sure didn't exist.

I close my eyes and let out an angry and depressed sigh as I tried to think of the next step, knowing full-well that it was extremely vital.

******************************************************************

What's the next step for Mr. Wolfe? Should he look for some clues himself, hoping that maybe The Master slipped up? Talk to the garbageman a bit? Maybe talk to the owner of the liquor store? Something else I didn't mention? The choice is yours...His fate is in your hands.
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2011 8:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm having some focus trouble, Biz. I've read this but I need to read it through again to come up with more both in terms of feedback and the DP. Not your fault there... just very distracted on this end.
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Zephyrrr! And...
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2011 12:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, if I understand this correctly, the reason our hero's memory is so hazy (ref the deja vu and vague recollection of symbols) is because he was working on a similar case years ago and it never got solved.

In that case, lets rely on Mr Z and his officers to complete their interviews and comb the scene for clues. We can look at what they turn up later. Most important now is to refresh our memories of the Master's previous killing spree. It may help to arm ourselves with the knowledge to solve this mystery. So my DP suggestion is to go back to the station and pull out all the old files on this man.

BTW, where did the paper with the symbols and the pic of the other girl come from? Was that found at the scene of the crime, or somewhere else?
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2011 1:31 am    Post subject: I Think....... Reply with quote

A very nice chaper, had me all tense and jumping with curiousity!

Needs a spell check, and a grammar kick, but other than that, no reall fixens needed....

DP.....When all else fails, ask the working girls! This area, just from the sound of it, and because of the girl's profession, lends to the fact that the local ladys of the evening may have some useful info. Go to where she useto work and ask dome forward questions! Don't forget coffee and doughnuts! Them hookers are hungry!


More please? *Big shiny eyes*
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2011 5:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A fabulous first chapter, Biz! A wonderful follow on from your prologue! Smile

There was a few lines I really did like, including this one...


Quote:
He gave a small nod before letting out a deep sign, that was filled to the brim with unease and nervousness.


...and another bit I loved which I will mention shortly. But all in all, this is a very promising first chapter, and I will most certainly be keeping posted. Wink


I spotted a couple of things that need correcting...


Quote:
Not just any kind of whit though.


White?

Quote:
He face was covered by a downpour of golden hair that flowed down to her shoulders.


Her? But I have to say, I love this description...a downpour of golden hair...really image-conjouring!

Quote:
Her shoes were missing, yet there was a spec of dirt upon her cold, clammy feet.


I'm just wondering if that 'was' is supposed to be 'wasn't'?

Quote:
Her body appeared to be virtually untouched but I know that she suffered.


'Knew' and 'she'd'?


DP time...Wolfe knows the Masters ways and such a little. I think he should go take a good look at the files on the other dead girls, and see if he can pick up any kind of patterns or clues as to where the Master might be based, or where he could strike next.

Again, great chappie, Biz! Very much enjoyed! Smile

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 17, 2011 6:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now polling...let's kep this mystery rolling
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 17, 2011 8:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Having had a bit more time to review again, I find the second option nicely suggested.
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 31, 2011 7:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

aww darn...i missed the poll...but my option won. XD keep it up Biz! i loved it!
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2011 1:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I looked around at the scene for a bit more before looking to Z and giving him a small pat on the shoulder. A soft sigh pushed its way from my lips as a small thought wormed its way into my head.

"Hey, I'm going to head on back to the station. Call them and have them get the files of the other two cases out."

"Um, ok," Z said. "I'll have them set aside some room for you to work."

I gave a nod and started down the alley toward my car. Once I reached my car, I stopped and looked over my shoulder and down the alley. Memories flashed through my mind of me standing over another girl of golden hair and ivory dress. I looked away and got into my car, quickly starting it up and turning the radio to something pleasant before stepping on the gas and driving away.

Signet City Police Station
Tuesday 11:38 AM


I pulled my car into the parking lot of the station and stared at it for a moment. Most of the people inside didn't like me. I was an outsider. They merely tolerated me on rare occasions because of my expertise pertaining to the most deranged of the depraved. Gritting my teeth together, I opened the door and stepped out. For a couple minutes, I simply stood and stared at the building before reaching into an inner pocket of my jacket and pulling out a pewter flask. I unscrewed the top and brought the canister up to my lips. I tipped it up and allowed the sweet but brilliant burn to flow past my lips and down my throat.

"Gotta love the Germans," I said as I screw the top back on the flask ans stuck it in my inner pocket. Now fueled by a taste of liquor, I walked forward and strolled into the police station. As I stepped inside, I was greeted by a room full of stares and glares. The air was a buzz with rumorous whispers as to why I was called and how long it would be until I was back in my own little office, staring down the barrel of a bottle. I did my best to ignore them as I moved farther into the station, stopping as a sweet voice reached my ears.

"Mr. Wolfe, how nice to see you," the sickly voice said. I turned in its direction and watched as a walking hourglass moved in my direction wearing a smile that was faker than her breasts. A slight smirk played across my lips as I watched her move. I studied her for a moment. Her long bleached blonde hair was pulled into a high ponytail and she was clad in a red blouse with enough buttons undone to distract a priest. A pair of long and tan legs emerged from a black skirt that was a toe touch away from showing everyone the print of her panties.

"Please, Gwen, I know that you're the chief's secretary but this whole nice act is a little much, don't ya think?" I told her.

"I'm his assistant," she snarled, her smile quickly vanishing.

"That's more like it," I said with a chuckle. "Now where am I sitting on this one, doll?"

"Z's desk, as always," she said, pointing a crimson nailed finger in the proper direction. I gave a nod and started toward it, barely containing my laughter as the toxic voice behind me spoke again. "Asshole."

Z's desk was kept fairly tidy. There was a picture of his wife, a variety of pens and pencils, a small laptop and a nameplate with DET. Z. NICHOLAS etched into it. Sitting in the center of the desk, atop the laptop, were two boxes stacked on top of each other. With a flick of the wrist, I flipped the lid off of the top box and looked inside. There were several bags of evidence held within. Letting out a sigh, I removed the boxes and sat down in the desk. Slowly I removed bags and examined their contents.

Held within the first box were only three items. A hand stitched white dress, a photograph of a young woman in a similar dress with a slit throat with strange markings scrawled across the back of the paper, and a bloody dagger with the same type of strange markings etched into the blade. I placed the objects back into the box and peered into the second one. With no surprise, the box held similar items. White dress. Photograph with markings on the back, ceremonial dagger used to slay the victim.

"Predictable as always, you vile cocksucker," I murmured before opening Z's laptop. As it asked for a password, I instantly entered GLORIA and hit enter. Success. There was a small computer tone as I was welcomed to Z's desktop. "As are you, Z. Still using your wife's name as a password. Mighty sloppy."

With a slight smirk, I dug through the files on his computer until I found what I needed. His notes and the crime scene photos.His notes were fairly simple. Both of the other victims were found by sanitation workers in the early morning sitting against a dumpster. Both of the girls had been found with their throats cut, a photograph in their hand and a dagger sitting between their legs. The only reported witnesses were the sanitation workers who found the bodies. The first victim was Jennifer Rowan, a prostitute, and the second victim was Isabella MacKenzie, a low level drug dealer. Both victims of vice. The Masters choice targets.

Sighing I clicked out of his notes and stared at the crime scene photos. I grabbed the eerie photos from the boxes and looked at them. Both the girls in the pictures and on the screen were in the exact same pose. The same dress. They even resembled each other. In frustration, I slammed the laptop shut and started to think. I wasn't going to get anything with this. I knew it. The Master knew it. With a grunt I rose and looked around. I wasn't going to sit around and wait for another body to show.

A thought dawned on me that perhaps my time would be better spent interviewing somebody, piecing together why these girls were chosen. Get reacquainted with his pattern. I could go talk to the latest victims stripper coworkers. Maybe they saw or heard something. Besides, as a regular customer, I had a rapport with them.

Or I could go and talk to the garbage collectors who found the bodies. See if they noticed anything unusual. Not counting the corpses.

My only other option would be to pay the hookers and junkies a visit to see if they knew anything about the first two victims and their unfortunate demise. I thought for a moment before strolling from the building, hopping into my car and driving away.

***********

Alright. Who does he talk to first? Strippers? Hookers? Drug Fiends? Garbagemen? Z? Someone I didn't mention that could be useful? The choice is yours people.
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2011 7:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wicked! I shall return to comment soon. I just gotta download this onto a disk so I can read it at work (along with a number of others...)
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2011 7:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

loved it as usual Bizzy!! ima say lets talk to the hookers...see if our girl had been seeing anyone particularly dangerous lately...

i'm very intrigued by the Master...cant wait to see more!!
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2011 7:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Perhaps he should talk to forensics, see if there's a clue that's been missed? Something that the ME thought was strange, but not strange enough to put into a report?
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 9:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Talk to the locals who reside around and in sight of the crime scene. See if they noticed anything that night.

This one's showing some real nice grit. Liking the vein.
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 10:35 pm    Post subject: I Think....... Reply with quote

Short but sw-well bitter, but I like it Razz The frustration of this guy comes through quite clear. Got me all rilled just reading. Way to go!

As for the DP. . . . .If he can't get it on his own, I think it's time for a differing throught process. I'd say grab a newbie and head out to interview the locals. He seems a little too helpless right now, so maybe a bratty kid can get his motor running in the old spirit once again!


Keep up the good work!
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 3:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now polling
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 2:08 am    Post subject: Chapter 3 Reply with quote

Tits 'R' Us
Tuesday 12:28 PM


I pulled up to the strip club and gazed ahead out of my windshield. About seven yards up the street on the curb were about three prostitutes. Ladies who moonlighted in the building I was parked near. The same place that Suicide Sammy worked in and behind. I glanced in the rear view mirror and noticed that the corner in the opposite direction was the same one that the second victim worked off of. All three victims worked in proximity to this building. Interesting. The Master was taking women from around the same area. That was different. Usually, he spread out his captures. Took them from scattered points in the city. Made sure that the police department had to work to figure anything out.

I gave a curious nod before leaning over and popping open the glove compartment and pulling out a small notepad and pen. I flipped it open to the first page and made a small note.

Small change in signature I wrote. Good or bad? I closed the book and stuffed it in a jacket pocket along with the pen. After pulling the keys from the ignition, I opened the door and stepped outside. The sun sat high in the sky causing an army of sweat drops to appear on my forehead. I hated Signet City summers. Too hot. I preferred the icy winters. Gave me an excuse to stay in and enjoy a few, dozen drinks.

I adjusted my glasses and wiped the sweat off of my forehead before casting a glance to the strip club. I'd have to come back here later, even if it was to simply catch a drink and a show.

Tits was an ok place. Half of the girls were transfers from Harry's, a small strip joint that sat deeper in the slums. Harry's was my usual place of preference but after its owner, who was also the star dancer, vanished, it quickly went out of business. Without Kelly, most of the customers simply didn't bother. So, I, like most of the dancers from Harry's had switched locations. Tearing my eyes from the building, I walked to the curb where the three ladies of lust stood. A smile appeared on my face as I got closer. I knew all three of them. Which I should, since I've both paid to see them dance and for their extra-curricular activities.

"Hey, ladies," I said causing all three of them to turn and look at me.

"Wolfie," one of them said. She was tall, about an inch taller than me, was wearing a short denim mini-skirt which complimented her bronze legs quite nicely. Her B-cup breasts were barely hidden behind a neon green halter top with the words FUCK ME! written across the chest in red, glittery letters. She walked quickly toward me, which was slowed only by the fact that she wasn't wearing any shoes and threw her arms around me. She smelled vaguely of perfume but the stench of her sweat was overpowering.

"Hey there, Lucy," I said, hugging her back against all of the protests my mind was screeching at me. She kissed me on the cheek and backed up a step.

"You hear for some afternoon delight?" she asked, giving me a wink.

I smiled and shook my head. "No, sorry, love," I told her. "Business. I'm helping the police on the deaths of some girls, all three of whom worked around here. the other two hookers that were standing smiling at me, stopped smiling and joined me and Lucy in a flash.

"So, you're gonna catch the creep that put Jenny and Isabella out?" One of them asked. An older woman in a tube top, short shorts and fishnets. A hooker and dancer known as Ember, mainly because she thought she was hot. A slight over exaggeration.

I looked at her for a moment and admired the anger I saw in her eye. The determination to see the perpetrator brought down. I understood the feeling. The Master was a menace. A plague. A mad dog just waiting to be put to sleep and for a moment all thoughts of taking him alive vanished.

"Yeah. I'm gonna take the son-of-a-bitch out of commission," I told her. "But I need some questions answered first."

Lucy nodded emphatically. "Yeah. of course."

"Has Jennifer seen anybody dangerous lately? She complain of a john she didn't like seeing? Any getting violent?"

Lucy shook her head. "Not really. there was just this one guy about a week and a half ago who kept claiming he wanted to save her. Tried to force her into his car after she told him to hit the bricks. Little John ran over from the club and acted as a bouncer. Roughed the dick up pretty good too. But Jen vanished shortly after. Thought she was just scared of coming out again. Until I saw her on the news. Terrible."

I nodded and pulled out my notepad. "What this guy look like?" I asked.

"Tall guy, scar over his eye, skinny, wearing a preacher's outfit. Collar and everything," I closed the book and put it away without writing anything. I know who she was talking about. Reverend Perez. a tough old bastard who deemed himself "God's Lieutenant" in a war on sin of all kinds. He was also a major nutcase. Definitely worth a talking to.

I nodded at Lucy. "I know him. I'll have a word with him. Did any of you see Sammy in the last couple of days?"

They shook their heads. "No. She disappeared a few days after Jen and Isabella."

"Didn't you think that odd?"

She nodded but shrugged. "It's not like we got nine-to-five jobs out here. Reporting a missing hooker, drug dealer or stripper wouldn't get the cops off their asses. They're barely off their asses now." A silent tear plummeted down her cheek and I put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

She was right. The only people truly looking into this would be Z and myself. The others didn't care. To them these girls were trash. To me, they were people. Women with a job to do. A service to provide.

"I'm going to get this motherfucker," I told her. "And I'm going to get him good." she nodded but turned as she heard a car honk its horn. She wiped her eye and the girls moved in the direction of the vehicle. I turned away from them and started back toward my car. Slowly, I got in and sighed.

I had another person to talk to. The preacher. He fit the type in a way. He was crazy enough. But was he smart enough. As I started the car, my cell phone started going off. I pulled it from my pocket and flipped it open.

"Wolfe," I said.

"It's Z. Something big just happened. This guy is getting bold. Get back to the station when you can," Z said, excitedly.

"Alright. Be there soon." I hung up and put my phone away.

The Master getting bold wasn't a good thing. Bold meant confident. And if The Master was confident that meant that something very bad was going to happen. Very very bad.

I slammed a hand against the steering wheel before stepping on the gas and driving away, figuring out whether I not I wanted to hear the horrid news at the moment or whether I should conduct another interview first.

**************

OK guys. Where does he go from here? To Z for bad news? To the preacher for some info? Maybe canvas some locals near the body dumps? Another choice I didn't mention?
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 7:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i'll say let's head back. Z sounded pretty serious with the "Get back here".

loving it, Bizzy!! Keep it up!
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 2:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Caught up, and still liking it, Biz! Wink

There is a real...grittiness about the way you describe the place. One instantly imagines it being pretty much the pits of urban existance. Very well done!


Just a couple of things here...


Quote:
"Business. I'm helping the police on the deaths of some girls, all three of whom worked around here. the other two hookers that were standing smiling at me, stopped smiling and joined me and Lucy in a flash.


Another speech mark, and a capital letter. I also think you could get rid of the second 'smiling' too, and it would still make sense.

Quote:
"Tall guy, scar over his eye, skinny, wearing a preacher's outfit. Collar and everything," I closed the book and put it away without writing anything. I know who she was talking about. Reverend Perez. a tough old bastard who deemed himself "God's Lieutenant" in a war on sin of all kinds. He was also a major nutcase. Definitely worth a talking to.


The dialogue marked in red should really be seperate from the rest of the paragraph.


I know that the smartest thing to do would be to get back to Z, but I really want to know more about the preacher. He seems like he's going to make an interesting character, from what I've heard so far. So I'm going with that. Go check out Reverend Perez, and see what he has to say. Whether he's a nutcase or not, he still might have something to say that will make sense, if not now, then at some point in the future.


Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2011 12:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think he needs to understand whatever this pressing info is before pressing for more clues. It just seems more logical that way.

And yeah, I did notice immediately the reference to Getting Lucky in there. I love weaving those kinds of cross-references into my stuff as well so it was a neat footnote to see. My only regret is that you told me it was there before I could tell you that I'd spotted it. I read this much earlier in the week and simply had not yet taken the time to comment.

This chapter in and of itself was overall a big writing style improvement from the previous ones in this tale so I get the feeling that you are getting more comfortable with this story and the direction its headed. I don't feel or sense so much struggle to get it out. Or maybe its just that I'm finally catching on to who the characters are... lol! Either way, my appreciation for this one grows. Well done!
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2011 4:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Who should Wolfe talk to? Kissing the Darkness is polling. Three days guys
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2011 9:51 am    Post subject: Chapter 4 Reply with quote

Signet City Police Station
1:45 PM


I pulled up to the station, where Z was anxiously pacing outside. Along with a small handful of others that were clustered into groups and whispering amongst themselves. I quickly got out and approached him. He met me halfway and looked me in the eye. A small smile hung at his lips that was filled with nervousness. He looked back at one of the groups of officers before looking me in the eye.

"He struck again," Z said in a serious tone. "Another body was found. White garb. Picture in their hand. Weapon between their legs."

I nodded and arched an eyebrow. "You said he was getting bold. How? A body is nothing new."

He turned and started toward the station, beckoning me to follow. I followed, still unsure about what was going on. Like a loyal mutt, I followed him into the station and down a flight of stairs into the first basement level where the crime lab and morgue were located. He led me through the lab halls for a moment before stopping and gesturing me to look in front of him.

It was the men's room, yet there was something strange about it. In front of the door, yellow crime scene tape hung. In the back of my gray matter, I chuckled. It looked like some sort of prank or hazing. A frat boy joke about the massive shit that they took or the toilet they "killed". But, knowing Z, this was serious.

He pushed the door open and I moved under the tape and into the lavatory. It was completely white, like the lab outside it. The stench of clean hung in the air. Three sinks sat on the far wall opposite two stalls and a single urinal. I round the corner around the row of toilets and sighed. Sitting between the rows, leaning against the back wall was a young woman with bright, copper-colored day hanging down in her face.

Everything that Z had said was true. White dress. A small syringe sat between her legs. Poisoned. In her open hand laid the photograph of the victim which this one resembled. No doubt that there would be writing on the back. Z joined me after a few seconds of staring straight at the body, without blinking.

"Lab tech found her. After we sealed it off, the chief told us to contact you since you know this guy. Know his mindset, victimology, and so on. What's this mean?"

I shrugged and approached the corpse. I knelt down and looked into her blank lifeless eyes. "I don't know."

"Say again?"

"This is new," I told him as I stood up. "This is the first victim not near a dumpster. He's changing things up."

I looked to Z who had a boyish grin on his face. "That's good, right. Changing things up means that he's bound to make mistakes, right?"

"No. Changing his game plan means he's confident. And Confidence with this guy is dangerous."

Z's smile vanished and he sighed. I gave another glance at the body then toward the door. A question started burning at the back of my skull. How did he do it? It was one thing to leave the victim in a dark alley in the middle of the night but in the middle of the night but to dump a body in the bathroom in a police station was a mixture of bold and stupid.

"How did he do it?"

"Dunno. But a couple witnesses said that ten minutes before the body was found, the power went out in the building. The whole building went dark and once the power came back on, there she was."

I looked to the body and stared at her for another moment. I didn't recognize her from Tits or the neighborhood. Though I was sure it would be worth checking out whether or not she came from around the area. Show her picture around. I was truly starting to hate The Master. He was cocky and now, he was trying to show his dominance.

That was it. I looked away from the body and focused on the cold tile of the bathroom floor. The Master was trying to prove how he was better. He could walk into the cop shop, ditch a cadaver and leave. Fucker.

I looked back to Z and sighed. "Who found the body again?"

"Jakob Moriarty," Z said. "Lab tech."

I nodded and sighed. This case was starting to become a clusterfuck of potential information. Carefully, I weighed my options in my head of where to go to first. I could ask the guy who found the body a couple questions. Or I could check out Reverend Perez. Or I could make another trip down to Tits 'R' Us and see if anyone in the are remembered seeing the new victim. Though, I'd prefer doing that one later in the evening. When I could get a drink and drown my anger.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair before stepping under the tape and heading away from the crime scene.

**************

Alright folks. Where does he go from here. The ball is in your court. The Tech? The Preacher? The Bar? Home for a siesta?
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2011 1:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

tech's closer...lets go there. =)

still loving it Bizzy!
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2011 7:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And another to put on the catchup list... will be back with further commentary soon!
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 6:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This tale is really coming into its own I think... I get the feeling its getting better and better thought out and that the author is growing more and more comfortable with the character roster (or maybe its just me as the reader... lol!)

The plot is growing more developed and cohesive to me now and I feel as if I'm really enjoying following our mystery romp. Its taking the feel of a TV or Movie mystery and I do always love those.

So I'm thinking Moriarty. He needs to question and really feel out (don't get frisky with this one... lol) the guy that found the body because THAT may be the perp that BROUGHT the body in. Given the location and the fact that this was done so brazenly, its hard to imagine that the discoverer may have had nothing to do with it.
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 2:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Biz!

Sorry it's taken me a while. Not been well.


I have to say, I think this SG actually stands out above all your other work that I've read, for quality of writing. It really is fabulous!


Though I do really want to get to the good Reverend, and give him a thorough talking to, to see how much info he has, I think the most professional thing to to would be to get straight to the lab tech, while the event is fresher in his memory. Either that, or send someone else to do that while we go see Perez.


Great chappie, Biz! Looking forward to the next one! Wink

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2011 11:00 pm    Post subject: Chapter 5 Reply with quote

Biz Bit: Shorter chapter here but...it had to be done. This is mainly a transition to continue the investigation. Which is in your hands.


Signet City Police Station
Tuesday 1:54


I moved through the lab to a spot where a couple of uniformed officers were talking to a guy wearing a white lab coat. He had a head of red hair that hung down just past his ears. A thick full beard sat on his face making him look a bit like a lumberjack.

"You Jakob Moriarty? The guy that found the body?" I asked.

"No, to the former and yes to the latter, bro-ha," he responded with a big grin. "I'm Wilhelm. Jakob is over there."

He pointed over his shoulder to where another lab worker was leaning against a wall. His head was shaved but had a beard as thick as Wilhelm's and the copper color of it told me that it was indeed the proper Moriarty. I gave Wilhelm a nod and followed his finger to his brother.

"You Moriarty?"

"Yup, that's me," he said.

"The one that found the victim in the bathroom?" I asked.

"Yep, that's me," he said. "I had to go to the bathroom and when I went into the bathroom, I found her like that."

I gave him a nod and looked around the lab. The Master was definitely brazen with this one. Maybe a little to much so. It wasn't like him. He was cocky but he was also careful. Walking into a police station and placing a body. No. He wouldn't do it. He'd have someone else do it. Someone able to get it done without too much of a complication. Someone like a lab tech.

Jakob certainly fit that bill and because he found the body, it gave him great access.

Looking back to Jakob, I adjusted my glasses and looked him straight in the eye. "Did you notice anything out of the ordinary? Aside from the body, that is," I asked him.

"Nope, just the body," he responded quickly and coldly. A little too quick. As if the answer had been lying in wait for the question.

I arched an eyebrow. "You sure?"

"Yep."

He stared into my eyes with a look of contempt and annoyance. He was definitely involved but I didn't know how. And so far, there was no evidence that he did anything besides stumble upon the corpse. He was smart. If he was working for The Master then he'd have to be.

"You done with the questions? Because I'm sure I'm still gonna have to answer the ones asked by the real detectives. Need to conserve energy, you know?"

I had an urge to hit him but I managed to resist. Barely. Instead, I gave him a nod and watched as he walked over to his brother and start to talk with the cops standing nearby. Bastard was definitely involved. I knew it. Z approached a couple seconds after and followed my gaze to the Moriarty brothers.

"He's guilty of something," I told him.

"You sure?" Z asked. "Because out of the two of them, I'd put Wilhelm as the one most likely to commit a crime."

"He's guilty as sin. I don't know what he's guilty of but I know that he is hiding something. I can feel it. Keep an eye on him."

"Sure thing, hombre," Z said.

Without another word, I worked my way through the police station and out to my car. I hopped in and quickly found my pen and notepad. I jotted down Moriarty's name before putting the notepad back in my pocket. For a couple minutes, I just sat in my car staring at the front of the building. Thinking about the last time The Master had surfaced.

He had been more patient then. It was always seven people over a months time. Yet, they was more time between bodies. Here he had five days and four bodies. He was either impatient or he was showing off. The thought swirled around my brain for several seconds before fulling grasping me. He was showing off.

The photographs with the victims, the strange lettering on the backs. He was trying to get my attention. That's why he had waited. That's why he was striking here in Signet. Why he left Vegas. He was doing this all for me. That had to be it. It was either for me or for her.

Suddenly, my phone rang. I pulled out my cell and looked at it. I froze as I stared at the name and number. The universe was taunting me. Again. I swallowed hard before answering it and holding it up to my ear.

"Wolfe," I said.

"It's him, isn't it?" a trembling female voice said. It was weakened slightly, like she had been crying or was feeling extremely under the weather. I let out a sigh as I tried to think of a comforting answer. Sadly, I had none. The truth would just have to suffice.

"Yes," I said. "It's him."

"Can you come see me? Please?"

I paused again. It had been ages since we had spoken to each other. Even longer since we had seen each other. Yet, as awkward as I knew the situation would be, I knew that I should. I owed her at least that much. Yet, I still had the preacher to talk to. And there was still Moriarty, I could hang around the station and wait for him to leave and then trail him for a bit. I sighed before deciding on an answer.


************************

Ok. What now? The girl? The preacher? The tech? Some other brilliant idea? Come on people? You are in charge of this investigation....
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2011 9:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

be the hero! go to the girl!!!

=) loving it, Biz! keep it up!
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2011 10:12 pm    Post subject: I Think....... Reply with quote

Still going strong, I love it!


I like the "inside the character's head" point of view for this one. The way he's always curseing to himself, and honsetly, who wouldn't? I love the gritty feel of the emotions behind his action.

The woman's voice inerests me, but I have the overwhelming want to go see the preacher man! So my vote is to tell her to come to his place, or the station house(Though we can't say how safe THAT would be now) and wait for him while he goes of to see the crazy priest!


Keep'em comin' Master of Darkness!
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2011 4:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another fab chappie, Biz!


And the plot thickens! How many people does the Master have working for him, I wonder? I can't wait to find out, and see how the plot twists and turns because of it. Wink


A couple of small things I found...


Quote:
"Yep, that's me," he said. "I had to go to the bathroom and when I went into the bathroom, I found her like that."


The double use of bathroom in close proximatey is a little jarring. The second one could be replaced with a line such as 'when I went in there' instead, and it would flow alot better.

Quote:
Yet, they was more time between bodies.


There?


Okie doke, dp time...I'm torn as to whether he should go to the girl or not. One doesn't know if the Master is aware of her whereabouts or not, and that makes me want to say no. But then, if he likely does, the girl would benefit from having him there.

Hmmm...I'm still intrigued by the preacher, so I'm saying go there, and have a think about whether we want to go and see the girl while we do so.


Looking forward to the next chappie, Biz! Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 2:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm finding this to be my favorite from you lately. It has a very 'real' feel to it and I'm beginning to really feel a nice flow in the pacing and connection to the characters. You're nicely delivering the 'flavor' of the tale as well and have me thoroughly curious to see how its all going to pan out.

I think since he's gotten a direct request from someone in duress, he has little option but to go to see this girl now. The rest of the investigative lead routes have no time pressure to develop.
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 23, 2011 4:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

NOW POLLING!!!
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 1:16 am    Post subject: Chapter 6 Reply with quote

Anon Apartments
Tuesday 3:05 PM


I pulled up in front of the building and sighed. Part of me was already regretting coming to meet the girl. She lived near the center of Signet City. Deep in the darkest and dirtiest part of the slums. The building itself was surrounded by a couple of places that were known to house quite violent gang members.

I had taken my time through traffic and back roads before arriving. I hated this part of town, yet I understood why she loved it. Glancing around I could see several armed thugs already covering the streets. The Master wouldn't come out here. He'd send a lackey and said toady would most likely get shot. It was a delightful thought.

I stepped out of the car and started toward the building, patting my shoulder holster on my way to make sure that it was there. Letting out a slow breath, focused on the sound of my shoes on the ground, being careful not too think about the thugs just a few feet away. If I didn't glance at them, maybe they wouldn't bug me. I was wrong.

"Hold up there, Stretch," A low voice said, prompting me to stop in my tracks and stand quite still. "You don't quite look like you belong in this neck of the woods? You lost, buddy?"

"No."

"Oh, you gotta be," another higher-pitched voice said. A young black guy stepped in front of me. He was dressed in a bright green jacket and had a thin wiry mustache. "You just reek of pig."

"Not a cop. Here to see a friend."

"A friend?" Yet another thug asked. "What sort of friend could you have around here, white boy."

"Kyla Greene. Now, move out of my way before someone gets hurt."

"K? What you want with her?"

"She called me. If you'll kindly get out of my way."

"You Wolfe?"

I nodded. After a moment, the first thug nodded back to me before stepping to the side and letting me past. I strode the rest of the way to the building and entered it. Casting a quick look to the mailboxes, I found her name and apartment number before ascending the stairs. As I moved, my thoughts shifted to the first time I met Kyla.

Domestic disturbance. She was the victim. I arrested the boyfriend for his vile actions but he got out shortly after. She didn't press charges. In the months that followed, I resigned myself to trying to save her and making sure that the bastard didn't kill her. It eventually worked and she left him. But he didn't go quietly.

He started stalking her, determined to get back into her home and take his place as her master. I caught him one night in her bushes and politely told him that if he kept up his actions that my foot would magically find a place up his ass. He didn't listen.

A month later she was in a hospital bed, beaten with an inch of her life by the bastard. I tracked him down and I made sure that he was unable to distress her further. The official records had it down as a justified kill. He drew a gun and I reacted. Unofficially, everybody knew that it was far from self-defense.

My next reunion with her found her in a hospital again. A couple years later. She had been kidnapped and drugged by a man calling himself The Master. She didn't remember much of her experience with him. All she had was his title and knowledge that she had been proven worthy.

I shook away the memories as I stopped in front of her door. I let out a sigh and gave a couple light raps on the door. On the other side of the door, I heard someone moving about. Light footsteps that moved close to the door and stopped. For a couple seconds, there was only silence which was promptly followed by the sound of several locks being unlocked.

Slowly, the door opened in front of me and I was greeted by a young woman with long blonde hair that once shone like gold but was now the color of urine. Dark circles sat underneath her emerald green eyes.

"Wolfe," she said softly, stepping to the side and beckoning me in. I entered and looked around. Her walls were plastered with newspaper articles about unsolved murders and disappearances. As I moved further in and looked at the morbid wallpaper, I noticed the focal point of the whole place. On the largest wall in the living room was a large drawing of two eyes. I stared at the strange artwork and studied them closely. They were evil eyes, filled with the kind of maliciousness that could only come from The Master. She must have remembered something else after all.

"That him?" I asked, just to be certain.

"Yeah. It's what I see every time I fall asleep. Those eyes peering out of pure darkness, telling me that I am worthy. Wanna drink?"

I cast a curious glance at her as I watched her move to a large liquor cabinet a few inches away from the evil eyes. "When did you start drinking?"

"A couple years ago. Right about the time you left Vegas to come here. Needed some way to cope with everything."

I nodded. Part of me wanted to give her a stern lecture about drinking to cope and tell her that I forbid her to do so. That I wouldn't not stand by and watch her chug booze just to try to avoid her dreams. But I was in no position to pass such judgement. I drank and fucked away my fair share of nightmares.

"No thanks," I told her.

"I took my time and looked around her living room as she got herself a drink. It was fairly basic. She had a couch and a TV. A small door sat in the corner and appeared to lead to her bedroom. Up above me were a dozen different light fixtures. It struck me as slightly odd but I shook the idea from my head and focused on her.

"So, it's him? The Master? That fuckhead is here in Signet."

"Yeah," I said, watching as she moved to her couch and sat down. "It appears as if he has found some new hunting ground."

She gave a nod. One of her hands was starting to tremble. Her leg started to bounce lightly as she fidgeted. Her lower lip started to quiver slightly.

Without thinking, I moved and sat down next to her. "Fuck," she whispered after an unbearable silence.

"My thoughts exactly, kiddo."

For a while we sat in another very uncomfortable silence until finally she stood and let out a scream as she threw her glass at the wall, causing it to crash into one of the eyes drawn upon it.

Quickly I rose and spun her around, allowing her to bury her head in my chest. Her body shook as she started to cry. The poor girl was terrified and it was understandable. She had seen more than anyone should be expected to and I had a hunch that The Master intended to make her go through more hell. Even more reason that I had to find him and add another justified kill to my name.

After a couple minutes she stopped and backed up, wiping her eyes. "Sorry."

"No need to be," I said. "So, I have to ask, is there anything you more you can tell me about this guy? Anything you might have remembered in the last couple years about this cocksucker?"

"Just that he loves the dark. Never sets foot out of it. And the eyes."

I nodded. It wasn't much but it was more than I knew about him before I came here. "Alright," I told her. I thought for a moment before looking into her eyes. "I got a couple more leads to chase down. Will you be alright here?"

"Yeah," she said, giving her eyes another wipe down. "And If I'm not I can always call my preacher. He usually helps when the Captain fails me."

"I didn't strike you as the religious type, Ky? When did that happen?"

"After I came out here. I ran into a preacher at the bar once whose been helping me out with my memories and nightmares. Name's Reverend Perez."

As I heard that despicable name slip out in her innocent voice, I could immediately my jaw clench tighter than a nun's asshole. Perez. He had started sinking his claws into Kyla. My Kyla.

No. I wouldn't stand for it. I swallowed and managed to separate my jaws. I sighed and started toward the door. "Alright. I'm heading out. Do me a favor?"

"Sure."

"Find a new reverend."

"But..."

"Just stay away from Perez."

I strode from the apartment and quickly ran down the stairs. I hurried into my car where I sat and fumed about what had just been told to me. I knew I should probably stop at my office and go over my notes so far or talk to the Medical Examiner to talk about the bodies. But equal parts of me wanted to go find Perez and have a good amount of words with him and even more of me just wanted to head to Tits and have a hard stiff drink or seven.

I slammed my hand on the steering wheel as I thought and tried to bring my emotions under control

**************

Ok. What does he do? Visit the Preacher? Drink til he can't walk straight? Visit the ME and the labs to learn more about the victims and crime scenes? None of the above? Hmmm...decisions, decisions
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 5:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Biz! Smile


Another fab chappie to add to this growing tale. Very much enjoyed! I actually found a couple of paragraphs that I particularly liked, and which I thought added alot of imagery to the writing...


Quote:
Slowly, the door opened in front of me and I was greeted by a young woman with long blonde hair that once shone like gold but was now the color of urine. Dark circles sat underneath her emerald green eyes.


I like these couple of lines. Though they're not pretty, they give a strong image of a woman who was once beautiful, but has now become as a wilted flower, and it also adds to the vision of the area in which she lives too, even though nothing of it is actually mentioned in those particular lines. But it's very well done.

Quote:
I nodded. Part of me wanted to give her a stern lecture about drinking to cope and tell her that I forbid her to do so. That I wouldn't not stand by and watch her chug booze just to try to avoid her dreams. But I was in no position to pass such judgement. I drank and fucked away my fair share of nightmares.


I really liked this paragraph too. It's very well written, and also provides a slight window into Wolfe's lifestyle and way of thinking. Good job!


I found one thing here...


Quote:
I shook away the memories as I stopped in front of her door. I let out a sigh and gave a couple light raps on the door. On the other side of the door, I heard someone moving about. Light footsteps that moved close to the door and stopped. For a couple seconds, there was only silence which was promptly followed by the sound of several locks being unlocked.


We need to get rid of a few 'door's in this paragraph, as the word is repeated too much. The second and third can be easily removed without displacing too much of the rest of the paragraph.

I shook away the memories as I stopped in front of her door, letting out a sigh, and giving a couple light raps upon it's wooden* surface. On the other side, I heard someone moving about. Light footsteps that moved close to the door and stopped. For a couple seconds, there was only silence which was promptly followed by the sound of several locks being unlocked.

*I'm not sure if the door is made of wood, but you get the gist of it

The fourth could likely be removed too, but would likely require a bit more of a shift around, so I'll leave it there. None of this is necessity, of course, just my opinion, but it makes the writing flow better.


For the dp...Same as before, I'm afraid. I still want to find out what this Reverend knows, and just to see what he has to say in general.


Much enjoyed, Biz! Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2011 5:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

LOVED it biz!!! this has been my fav chapter yet!!

i'm with tika...lets see this "minister"
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2012 7:45 pm    Post subject: Chapter 7 Reply with quote

The Hall of the Righteous
Tuesday 3:50 PM


I made my way to the good reverend's church. The Halls of the Righteous. Named it himself most likely. There were a dozen cars sitting outside. All of the people inside probably sought Perez out in their hour of need and been thoroughly convinced them into falling for his particular brand of psycho. He had a yard full of cattle and a flock of sheep ready to engorge themselves on the bullshit. I almost felt sorry for them.

I pulled a pack of cigarettes from the center console of the car and took one out. I put the tobacco stick between my lips and lit it with a lighter that removed from alongside its brethren in the pack. Once it was lit, I put the lighter back where I had found it and followed suit with small box in my hand. After, closing their hidey-hole, I got out of the car and immediately started up the concrete path to the brick, mortar and brimstone building. The interior of it was just as I expected. Dull and lifeless. Perfect for a man trying to convince people that they were horrible people unless they did everything he said.

The pews were wooden and were rough as though someones had simply whittled them down and then placed them down on the concrete that sat under them. The walls were gray and empty. At the front was a large wooden stage with a mic in the center. Though it didn't resemble much of a stage to me. It was a pedestal. Once that he placed himself on every single day of the week. I gazed around at the people that sat scattered in the pews, waiting for their leader to make his appearance. I found a place in the back and took a seat.

Several minutes passed as I sat and smoked, not caring about the scathing looks that I received. Once I finished my cancerous habit, I dropped the butt onto the ground and put it out. Finally, at four o'clock on the button. A tall man appeared from a door that sat right behind the structure in the front. He was approximately six and a half feet tall and was almost skeletal. He was dressed all in black, with a long black coat, cowboy boots and shirt. He wore the usual preacher collar and on the top of his head was a large brimmed black hat that looked like it should belong on a scarecrow.

He stepped up to the microphone that sat dead center of the pedestal, glaring out at the crowd with his good eye. A long jagged scar sat cross his left eye, peeking out from behind a small eyepatch. His eyesight stopped once it found me in the crowd. What appeared to be a smile appeared on his face as he cleared his throat.

“Lo and behold, my loyal flock, we appear to have a visitor in our midst. Please, Joshua, don't hide in the back. Rise and introduce yourself to my congregation and inform us as to why you grace us with your insufferable presence,” he said.

I rose and stared at him. “Victor,” I said, making my way toward the front, slightly annoyed by what he had called me. I disliked being referred to as Joshua, made me feel more like an accountant than a private investigator. “I think you know why I'm here.”

“Oh? Don't tell me. You've been called in by the local authorities to help them find and imprison the latest Signet Saint that has graced this cesspool with his presence. The fellow who has already rid the world of a handful of whores.”

I stopped as I reached his platform, trying to resist becoming angry. He was baiting me. He wanted me to attack him. He wanted witnesses this time. Unlike when I turned him into a cyclops. I wallowed my anger and stared up at him.

“Yeah,” I said. “I'm here to catch the animal that is responsible for killing young women. And so far, you are my prime suspect.”

“Me?” he said laughing. The congregation laughed behind me. He was certainly fitting the bill. Brainwashing people? Check. Contempt for victims? Check? Complete asshole? Check. “What reason whatsoever would I have for killing whores?”

“Easy. The guy responsible is the leader of a cult. Someone with enough sick, twisted charisma to convince people to kill for him. He is also filled with enough self-confidence that it borders on arrogance. The perpetrator is also highly intelligent as he has managed to avoid capture for years. And you, Perez, have got a master's degree which means you're intelligent. You stand on a pedestal every day which means you are quite arrogant. And well, your cult behind me speaks for itself. Only in a matter of speaking, though. Because we all know that you're the puppet master. None of these people even take a piss without your permission.”

The laughter behind me stopped as a vicious glare came over the preacher's face. “How dare you speak to one of your betters like that, you insolent mongrel?”

“Easy. Four young women have died here. And a lot more in Las Vegas where I know for a fact you resided for a good long time. Whoever does this is a monster of habit with contempt for everyone but...”

“Silence, you unbearable fool,” he shouted. “I am a pillar of this community. I am the physical representation of God's wrath. I am above you and everyone in this entire wretched city. I did not kill those vile sluts, here or there. But the man responsible should be applauded for doing what so many in this world are afraid to. Dispose of the filth of society. Surely even your friend Kyla would understand that.”

My self-control finally dissipated and I jumped up onto the pedestal. With a loud roar I threw the microphone, stand and all to the side before moving close to him.

“Be warned, preacher, you do not want to cross me. This guy slipped from me twice before and will not be so lucky this time. So tell me, where were you between the hours of noon and one today?”

“Here. Preparing my sermon. Why? Was that when the last piece of rubbish was thrown away?”

I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him even closer. He smiled and looked at me with eyes that were suddenly filled with anticipation.

“I am going to kill this cocksucker when I get my hands on him,” I said in a low growl. Before letting go. I started to walk away doing my best not to beat him down in front of so many witnesses. At the edge of the stage I stopped and lowered my head. “And if you ever go near Kyla again, that scar will look like a paper cut when I'm through with you.”

I hopped off of the madman's platform and made my way from the building, catching several glares on my way out. Once I reached my car and hopped in, my phone made a small sound to indicate I had received a text message. I pulled it from my pocket with one hand and cast a glance at it. I didn't recognize the number but the message was short and sweet. Harry's Strip Joint 1 Hour. I flipped it closed and dropped it into my lap. A small part of me was whispering that I should go. That even though the message came from an unrecognized number and told me to go to a place that was shut down, that something important was there. Before another thought could insert my head, my cell started to ring. With an annoyed grunt, I grabbed it from my crotch and flipped it open.

“Wolfe,” I said.

“Hey, got a couple leads you may want in on,” Z's voice said.

“Yeah?”

“Yep. Got a call from Tits, we may have a possible missing person that fits the victimology, the Medical Examiner also wants to have a word with you.”

“Any news about the victim from the station?”

“Nope. So far she's still just a Jane Doe. Got several people on it now though. I can text you her picture if you want though. Let you show it around.”

“Um, yeah, go ahead. I may just show it around if I get the chance.”

“Alright, chief.”

I hung up and sighed as I dropped my phone onto my lap again, trying to think of what lead to follow first.

***********************

What lead does he follow? Tits? Showing the picture around? The text? Can you catch this madman before its too late?
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Wolfe's next step?
Go to Lucy and see if she can direct him to some "outside help"
25%
 25%  [ 1 ]
Bust into William Allen's apartment to try and learn something
75%
 75%  [ 3 ]
Total Votes : 4
Who Voted: PopeAlessandrosXVIII, sagittaeri, Seraphi, Tikanni Corazon

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