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Player of Fates
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 Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 3:19 pm Post subject: Hollow-Chapter Two-The Party |
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DUE TO COMPLAINTS, THIS WARNING IS BEING POSTED. THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS COMMON ADULT LANGUAGE. SO, LOTS OF CUSSING KIDS.
Chapter I-Undead in the House
"Dammit! What the hell do I pay you for?"
"You don't pay me!"
"Good point."
Another hail of arrows screamed by the five man group and planted themselves in the shaking trees and shivering ground behind them. Marcus cursed vehemently and held his sword high, hoping to catch the sunlight on the blade and reflect it back the the second group trapped behind the overturned wagon.
"I doubt that they can see that," muttered Slean. The elf winced and clutched at his wound. The thin bandage that coated his fair skin was already soaked in blood.
"You! Wizard! Can't you summon us up a demon or something?" growled Marcus.
Shelpkin the dwarf frowned. "What the blazes? I'm a fucking dwarf. We don't summon shit!"
"I was talking to Alex, dimwit!"
"Oh. Alex, you heard 'im!"
The young man was already flustered and this question didn't help. "No! I'm an alchemist! We make weapons and potions out of thin air! Hell, maybe even eternal life, but we don't summon demons!"
Another steel stoning of arrows came upon them and Marcus ducked behind his shield. Two seeking pointed head embedded themselves in the thick oaken protection. The rest bounced off the glowing blockade Alex had cast over them.
"What do I pay you for then?!"
"YOU DON'T PAY ME!!!"
"Stop arguing you two," hissed Forthelius. The tall dark skinned nomad slightly stood from his crouching position behind the bushes.
"Nice hiding spot," remarked Slean dryly.
"Not really. I was relieving myself," said Forthelius.
"Like a woman," laughed Shelpkin.
"I can't very well stand up now, can I?"
The dwarf grinned. "You could try."
"Oh shut up," said Marcus. "We have a party of undead shooting arrows at us and all you can two is argue about is pissing positions! I should have never taken this escorting job!"
"All I wanted to say is that it is common knowledge that alchemists are trained in some degree in wizardry and summoning of beings from planes. Hence the magical glowing shield around us," said Forthelius with a sniff.
"Oh yeah..." muttered Alex. "Forgot about that."
"Nice one," said Shelpkin. "Had one up all this time and you forget that you can cast more."
"Well magic boy," grunted Marcus. "Care to throw us a light show?"
"I could try."
Alex scuttled from behind their own overturned wagon and peaked a view. He got a screaming arrow for his efforts. The deadly wood impaled the tree standing not a few feet away. "This will be difficult."
"If he dies, can I have his cut?" asked Shelpkin.
"Oh shut up."
"Let's see what we can do," muttered the alchemist to himself. He rubbed his tan hands together and closed his eyes. He searched his mind for some sort of attack spell. None powerful enough to reduce the bone soldiers into fine grain calcium powder came to him.
"Plan B then," he grunted.
He pressed the flat of his palm against the grass under the cover. He envisioned the transmutation circle and sigils in his consciousness and felt the familiar warmth of magic and science flood from his heart and mind into his hand and then bury into the ground.
"Ooooh," whispered Slean sarcastically. "Pretty. When Marcus said light show I don't think he meant it literally."
"Shut up," Alex hissed. "Quick, Shelpkin, give me your knife!"
The dwarf didn't ask questions. With a tug, he pulled out a long bladed dirk and tossed it to his companion. The alchemist caught the blade with one hand and stabbed it into the glowing circle full of symbols. It had suddenly appeared out of nowhere.
The dirk sank in and the circle vanished in a blink of an eye.
"Wow, that was SO helpful," said Marcus.
"Quiet," ordered Fortheius. "Let him work."
A large section of the wagon they hid behind was blown to pieces in a flash of red and fire. The undead had a wizard with them.
"Sonuvabitch! Hurry your ass up!" screamed the nomad.
The transmutation circle suddenly appeared again and with a bright burning light shot seven smaller fancy shaped knives. They were intricate in design and with a glance, anyone could tell they were sharper than anything man made. They floated in the air around Alex's head.
"What now? Do we juggle them," asked Shelpkin.
"No," said Alex. "We throw them."
Arcane spilled from his lips and wrapped around the floating knives like musical notes. They glowed red then blue before shooting up and over the decimated wagon towards the undead party.
"Charge!" he shouted.
"Hey! I'm supposed to say that!" protested Marcus.
But charge they did and into the midst of a skeleton horde. The seven knives slashed through air as if swung by a weapon's master. They needled and cut through bone and wooden shields, collapsing the main frame of the undead party. Shelpkin, Marcus and Slean quickly followed up with their own combinations of bow 'n arrows, axes, and long swords.
"A good fight!" chorused Slean and Shelpkin.
"A good fight," laughed Marcus as he cut down an axe wielding bone soldier.
Fortheius leaped over several skeleton warriors and uncapped a strange looking tube. Lightning spat out of the open end to form a energy whip. It crackled and roared as he snapped it to and fro, striking off the heads of his enemies and shattering the rib cages of the bony opponents.
Alex went straight for wizard. He or she was dressed in dark purple robes with gold linings on the sleeve and hem. Typical dark magic user uniform. Alex sighed. Things were so tacky these days.
The alchemist quickly deflected a spray of fireballs with a wave of his hand. His weak shield quickly collapsed with the impact but he escaped without a singed hair. Once again, his hand planted on the ground and two nearby stones were sucked into the circle. Not even a second later, several spiraled granite spikes shot from mysterious opening in grass.
Most were destroyed by the invisible protections the wizard had brought up but one made it through. With a sick sinking sound, it embedded its head in the dark magic user's side in a spray of blood.
He or she toppled to the ground in a mix of limbs and robes. Before recovery could ensue, Alex leaped on the fallen figure with a wicked knife poised over the head of his opponent. The alchemist ripped off the heavy hood to reveal...
DP
Well, ladies and gents, what's under the hood?
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Last edited by Player of Fates on Tue Jan 22, 2008 8:35 pm; edited 4 times in total
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 6:32 pm Post subject: |
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A robot that, with its dying breath, says "Prepare your defenses."
A good read, though I'd lighten up on the language.
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 7:16 pm Post subject: |
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| The F word specificly. I doubt that a dwarf would resort to that, even in this kind of situation. Cut that one word out, and the whole chapter makes more sense.
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The Meaning Of Fear
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| Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 8:24 pm Post subject: |
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Ooooh, I know! It should be his MOM!...
Errr, ignore that. I assume the mage is not dead, sooo:
Turns out that the mage was one of the last survivors of a race that was almost completely wiped out. We get a little story from our hatred filled friend that give us a bit of info on this SG and our little alchemist dude carves his innards out for some spare ingredients.
Why are you all looking at me like that? Alchemy isn't ALL clean ya know...
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Doors to the truth, an SG where a boy is propelled into worlds he is unfamiliar with. He crosses many worlds, and sees many things that force him to throw away his innocence, once, and for all. Fourth Chapter, out for viewing!
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Player of Fates
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| Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 10:23 pm Post subject: |
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The language will stay MW sorry.
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Mephistopheles
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 3:24 am Post subject: |
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toss in a warning for language plates, then the f word can stay without anyone being able to complain, sorta like this: Warning, vulgarity to spew forth momentarily A dwarf could say fuck if he felt it necessary to say it.
/warning.
so, good start plates. I think he sees the face of his long lost love, shrouded in pain and hatred, staring up at him.
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If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
I don't know, it's just the way I am.
eminem
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there is no reason to live at all
marilyn manson
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 3:45 pm Post subject: |
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LOL
Fates i really liked this! I thought the use of the verbal sparring was a great way to show not only group dynamics but also to build a sense of camraderie amongst the characters.
I ESPECIALLY liked the humour AND how you jumped straight into the action!!! To often ppl get bogged down in writing a prologue that outlines the history of everything in the world ever i love the 'reveal it as we go' concept... its a big winner with me!
DP? hmm
nothing is under the hood. nothing at all.
and to shut up the critics i say just post a warning as per Messys post...
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 4:01 pm Post subject: |
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Alright boys and girls, the poll is about to be put up.
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Player of Fates
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| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 2:04 pm Post subject: |
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The poll has been closed but I havent written crap yet. I apologize.
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| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 5:35 pm Post subject: |
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Sheesh! How did I copmpetely miss this one???
Liked it a lot Plates. The only slight crit I have is perhaps the characters need a little more description, but as you started with an action scene maybe that can come later on, in the calm after the storm.
As the vote is done I don't have to think of something for the DP! 
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| Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 8:33 pm Post subject: Chapter Two-The Party |
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WARNING! SOME ADULT REFERENCES!
Chapter Two-The Party
Alex braced himself to see something hideous. Maybe a deformed face, a scarred woman, an organism with glowing tumors. Instead, he saw...nothing. As the alchemist witnessed the lack of something, the heaving robed body he was restraining suddenly collapsed. Mostly likely because of the lack of a tissue underneath the clothing.
"If you're done raping the robe, could you help us out here?" shouted Marcus. He deflected a violent downward stroke of an axe and caved in the skull soldier's rib cage with a kick. His muscular body strained to block arching swing of another sword held by a much bigger undead.
"Illusion magic," breathed Alex as he slowly stood. "Yet, it isn't. This is high grade stuff."
"Duck!" Slean's voice cut through the air as one of his arrows. The slim elf wrenched his two knives out of the skull of his adversary and watched the black vapor flood from its mouth to disappear in the air. The framework collapsed into a pile of useless bones.
The alchemist did as he was told and was spared a headless fate. The axe wielding undead's swing made it lurch forward from the momentum. Right into the lash of Forthelius's lightning whip. It exploded in a puff of powder.
"They're retreating!" shouted a man behind the untouched wagon. He was a fat merchant, his bowels hanging over his belt almost obscenely. A double chin shook whenever he talked. "Bravo! Bra-Urgh!" His shrill voice was cut off as his head left his neck in a bloody spray.
The hissing bone solider stepped over the twitching body and rushed at the dwarf in front of it. Two dull chops and it collapsed and splintered bone made a vain attempt to seed the ground.
The merchant had been right. The undead were retreating. One or two glanced at the vacant dark purple robes that blanketed the ground before sinking into the grass or disappearing in a sudden mist.
The five party group didn't lowered their weapons until the mist cleared and revealed the thick forest and looming underbrush. No undead were insight. Alex leaned down and picked up a splintered femur. He bit his thumb and wiped the small droplets of blood onto the yellow white surface.
The bone glowed for a few second before fading into normal.
"Well?"
"They're gone. For how long, I don't know."
Slean limped over as he took of the bandage that wrapped around his arm.The bloody rag fell to the grass and the elf moved his limb experimentally with no sign of the deep cut. Elves healed fast.
"We better check on our clients," the long ear muttered.
"At least that fat prick bit the dust," laughed Shelpkin.
"Aye," said Marcus. "He was giving Marian the eye for a while now."
"Isn't that the wench you-"
"Yes," coughed the warrior. "The one that's supposed to be married."
Forthelius sighed and capped his whip with a crack of lightning. "If we're not killed by raiders, then we'll be slain by a ruffled groom."
"Whatever, all I know is that was some sweet love."
"Oh shut up," Alex snapped. "Go check on the wagons. Slean go with him."
"Since when did he become leader," grumbled Marcus as he slipped his blade back in its sheath.
****
Selysa watched the alchemist bend down and pick up several bones. Her delicately shaped eyebrows raised slightly as he broke them in half and slipped them inside his pack. She noticed that it failed to bulge.
"You fancy him," whispered Marian.
Selysa jumped and clutched at her skirt to keep it flying up. A guard near bye sighed in disappointment.
"No! I was just watching what he was doing."
"You fancy him?"
"He's cute."
The blond haired temptress craned her smooth neck to view the alchemist. "That he is. Wouldn't mind slipping into his cot."
The red head shook her head. "Didn't you already visit that man, Marcus, last night."
Marian rolled her eyes in pleasant exasperation. "Oh yes. Gods, the things he can do with his tongue."
Selysa smiled. "You'll have to tell me some ti-"
"Daughters!"
Both of the young women turned their pretty heads to see their father walk towards them. He was tall and had been handsome years ago. But time has taken its closing toll and now the once smooth tan face had been raided by wrinkles and a gray beard. The man had kind eyes that glittered with liveliness and his old body still had some spring to it, his brisk walk showed it.
"Yes, father?" they chorused.
"Our hired help has called a meeting. Probably to fill us in on what happened." The old man eyed his blond haired child. "Marian! Your dress is dirty! A bride to be should be clean and pure!"
"Too late for that," muttered Selysa with a unseen grin.
"Shut up," hissed Marian.
"Go change!" ordered her father.
With a sigh, the maiden walked to the recently uprighted wagon and shut the door behind her. The guard once again sighed.
"Come with me, darling."
"Yes, father."
They walked to the center hub of the party. The five man group were standing near the destroyed wagon while the six guards and four merchants and their families gathered around them. The wagons were huge so they could support the living conditions of the merchant families, with big lumbering iron wheels that were enchanted to turn by the order of the driver. Their only flaw was the wooden frame that made up most of it.
Marcus stepped forward. "Ladies and gents! Quiet please!"
The noisy chattering didn't cease, in fact it grew louder. Like thousands of bees, all about the same thing.
"Quiet!" ordered Slean. "Quiet!"
Shelpkin frowned. "SHUT UP!!!!
The crowd shut up.
Forthelius cleared his throat and Marcus glanced at the dwarf. "Thanks."
"No problem."
"My comrade Alex is going to explain the situation to us!"
The alchemist stepped up and cleared his throat. He glanced around and touched his index finger to his throat where his vocal chords were. As he spoke, his voice was amplified. "We were just attacked by an undead raiding party. If you hadn't noticed that already."
"The thing is, we're on King's ground. This is under the magical and physical protection of the King and his men, even though it's very widespread. Though the magical barriers can't stop regular thieves, robbers and the occasional lightning ball, it should stop any real magical summons, which includes the raising and arming of undead."
"How'd the undead attack us then?" shouted a voice. It was Marian, recently back from her change. It was quite more revealing too. Several men by her adjusted their pants.
Alex answered, "I don't know. Some serious magic had to be thrown in to get past that barrier. It takes seven magicians just to throw it up."
Selysa was in the back of the mumbling crowd next to her father. She couldn't take her eyes of Alex. "He IS cute," she whispered.
Her father turned to her. "What was that, love?"
"Huh? Oh nothing. I was just saying how worried I am about this," said the maiden.
The father nodded. "Yes...these are grave times. Ever since the King has fallen ill, all these invaders from foreign lands are popping up. This would have never happened if the King was still well. More soldiers would be patrolling these areas and not wasting their time fighting for the bickering nobles."
"Why can't they just unite?"
"Ha ha, my girl. Getting the nobles to get along is like...like...well, it's like something I'm sure."
Selysa rolled her eyes.
****
Jerry didn't like his job. He never got any action, battle wise or woman wise and his hair line was receding. Guarding merchant parties was a dead end job. It would be different if the Merchant Council hadn't started hiring mercenaries, they were taking all the good stuff.
The man sighed and urged his horse onward, keeping pace with the rolling wagon. It was probably cramped in thre. They had to leave the destroyed one behind which meant all those who rode in that wagon had to move into the remaining one. Which meant all their belongings went with them. Definitely cramped.
Suddenly, there was a rustle in the bushes. Jerry knew it meant only two things. There was something violent taking cover in the leaves or two little people were getting it on.
DP
What's in the bushes? And no, it doesn't have to be the two options read above.
_________________
Pretty Thing
Vampires just got a whole lot Hotter
The Business
The fine print can kill you.
Last edited by Player of Fates on Thu Jan 24, 2008 6:10 pm; edited 4 times in total
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The Meaning Of Fear
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| Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 10:54 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | "If your done raping |
You're
| Quote: | | was probably cramped in their |
there.
Nice chapter plates... I think it should be some sort of magical artifact containing a message meant for "The ones who defeated the undead soldiers"..... Maybe include a threat, or some form of deterrent to scare them away.
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Cherish all your memories, even the bad ones, for they are what makes you who you are.
Doors to the truth, an SG where a boy is propelled into worlds he is unfamiliar with. He crosses many worlds, and sees many things that force him to throw away his innocence, once, and for all. Fourth Chapter, out for viewing!
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 1:25 am Post subject: |
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OK I'm not sure what to suggest about the DP, because Jerry is a new character, and I'm not sure where he is in relation to all the other characters.
Perhaps it is a magical animal of some kind, which has some link to the uprisings that have been happening since the King fell ill.
Just caught up with this! Some good action to start with, and very entertaining. Was disappointed that still we have no real description of the main characters yet - you need to work on that.
Noticed another minor error - [quote]the undead we're retreating[/url] - should be - the undead were retreating.
Keep going!
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Player of Fates
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| Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 3:34 pm Post subject: |
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I'm sorry about the description. Next chappy you'll be able to envision them clearly. Jerry is just a side character, something random to put in the story to reveal the DP, of course he could become something important if the reader's want him too, but he was meant to be a side character.
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 6:43 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, first a few points:
| Quote: | | Alex braced himself to see something fugly. |
I don't think this word is very suitable for this kind of story. It isn't really a 'fantasy' kind of word.
| Quote: | | a robotic organism |
The same goes for robots. If it isn't a fantasy/sci-fi setting, I'd keep the future references out of it.
| Quote: | | group never lowered their weapons |
didn't
I agree with myself and CF, more description is needed still on the characters, especially when a lot of them are being introduced so quickly.
The story is moving along well, but I do have a niggle:
You throw in some jokey stuff at random points, which is fine, don't get me wrong, but the rest of the passage is fairly serious, and I don't think the two work together well. If I were you I'd drop the more trivial stuff and keep it a little more serious, though still with the odd amusing banter from the characters, which is pretty good.
Stuff like:
| Quote: | | Alex tore his gaze away from her bosom long enough to answer. |
| Quote: | | A blind and deaf man cocked his head. |
...doesn't really add to the story IMO.
Anyway, DP. Mmm. Perhaps it's an assassin, readying himself for a secondary attack.
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| Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 3:48 am Post subject: |
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did you mean gnomes or leprechauns when you mentioned 'little people'? it really does make a difference, you know? just kidding
How about it is a cute little rabid ground hog? or some other fuzzy, warm sort of creature that turns out to be a danger to all near it.
enjoyed the tale, and my simple mind grasped the introduction of Jerry as a totally fun guy to give five minutes of fame to before dying at the hands of something totally ludicrous and funny at the same time. 
_________________
Cause I am, whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
I don't know, it's just the way I am.
eminem
without the threat of death,
there is no reason to live at all
marilyn manson
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Player of Fates
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| Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 6:13 pm Post subject: |
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I took your advice to heart Chinaren and moved the suggested stuff out of the story and fixed all the gramaar stuff that was quoted. I'll keep your advice in mind.
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| Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 2:03 pm Post subject: |
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Thisss ssstorygame meetsss the ssstandard. Enssure it ssstays ssso or I will return for your head!
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| Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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I think it should be......An injured dryad (wood nymph) who has some sort of urgent message for the king...maybe about the woodland creatures' alliance to his people or something. Of course she is naked (she's a nymph!) and beautiful, and of course Alex is the only one who can heal her. Her 'natural' beauty competes with Marian's beauty, and the attention she gets from Alex makes Selysa jealous.
Muwhaha!!!!!!!!!!
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Myths: The Ancients' Soap-Operas ;D
  
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FatHairyApe
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Joined: 15 Jul 2008
Topics: 1
Posts: 49
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Legends
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Strata-gems
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 8:29 pm Post subject: |
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This is really, really good. Excellent job. You provide realism to every aspect of your party, albeit its lack thereof (seeing as how it's fantasy, haha). This is a talent that very few writers possess, so props to you!
One quick qualm. You wrote:
| Quote: | "Yes, father?" they chorused.
"Our hired help has called a meeting. Probably to fill us in on what happened." The old man eyed his blond haired child. "Marian! Your dress is dirty! A bride to be should be clean and pure!"
"Too late for that," muttered Selysa with a unseen grin.
"Shut up," hissed Marian.
"Go change!" ordered her father. |
Dialog is one of the most powerful things a storyteller has in his or her arsenal. The key, though, is to not bring attention to it. We don't want to envision words on a screen; we want to imagine characters speaking them. Here, though, you draw incredible attention to each dialog tag: "chorused, muttered, hissed, ordered". The funny thing is that each of the statements implies the tag. "Go change!" is an order, and we know that. But you're just drawing attention to it by labeling it that way. Consider stuff like "Too late for that," Selysa said under her breath. That is descriptive and yet conservative. Of course "said, said, said, said" would draw attention with repetition, but never forget that "said" is conventional and be used incredibly well.
Besides that, you give certain characteristics to each character that really make the character stand out. The double chin part was my favorite. Great description and pace.
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