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Andolyn



Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...

Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2011 7:58 pm    Post subject: Line of Kavanagh  

Blindly she ran through the forest; the smell of burning wood stung her nose, and the knowledge of why that wood was burning stung her heart. She ran from yet another safe house: the home of yet another family—yet another—burned to the ground in order to protect her. Oh, she knew the people were more than willing to sacrifice their lives, much less their houses to keep her safe, but she couldn’t help the twinge of pain, the remorse for being the cause of their suffering. All that eased her thoughts was the knowledge that her companions were able to escape unharmed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Until about three years before, the young woman had lived happily as Andolyn Grace McNeil. For their beauty and their availability, she and her best friend Roselyn had been chosen to be wed to the sons of the tyrannical rulers of the kingdom. Everything was going according to plan. The girls, now made Princesses, had been training to take over the throne. You see, in this particular monarchy, it was in fact the Queen who did the ruling with the King by her side.

Since the royal family had no daughters, their sons had to wed in order for the monarchy to survive. Now that perspective brides had come on to the scene, the king and queen had stepped back to allow their sons to do the ruling. Of course, given the laws, this practice was unorthodox, but who would argue with the monarchy?

During the first year of their training, the girls had been happy, and the people had come to love them as the rulers they were destined to one day become. Andolyn even spent many days visiting the villages in order to better serve her people, and it was for this reason that they didn’t hesitate to hide her from the prince in all his fury…


Andolyn could hear the horses’ hoofs as they pounded the hard ground just behind her. She ran with all the strength she could muster, but Radan’s soldiers were quickly gaining on her. While briers tore at her face and clothes, Andolyn made for a meadow she knew lay directly in before her on the winding path. Andolyn swung the graceful bow from her back and began to fit an arrow to the string as she ran; if she couldn’t hide, Andolyn would fight.

When the trees broke, to her surprise, Andolyn saw that she had run across a tiny encampment. In the small amount of time she had to look around, she noticed two short tents near a fire that had gone out in the chilly August night. Between two trees hung a makeshift clothes line draped with shirts, pants, and a few other odds-and-ends things.

Just then, the riders broke through the trees shouting madly, already celebrating a victory they had yet to achieve. Andolyn stood fast, aiming her bow threateningly at the leader. The tall man dismounted, drawing his sword.

“We have strict orders to bring you back alive,” he said in a gruff voice. The chuckle from the men following him made Andolyn nervous—all but one. A young man in the back of the group appeared reluctant to approach her. The leader continued softly—evilly, “but Prince Radan didn’t say anything else about the condition you were to be returned in…”

As the men advanced toward Andolyn, she pointed her bow uncertainly from one man to the next. Though she was an excellent marksman, Andolyn had never used her abilities to take a human life.
Suddenly, one of the men fell. What looked like a metal playing card stuck halfway out of the man’s upturned chest. Astonished, Andolyn turned at the same time that the Captain let out a cry of rage.

Gliding slowly into the clearing was a young man. Boots that came to his knees seemed to barely touch the ground, and his long, dark brown coat skimmed across the blades as he almost bounced through the tall grass. The morning sunlight danced around the crown of the young man’s golden hair, and a flicker of a mischievous smile graced his impish face. The bright blue-green of his eyes swam in a warm pool that Andolyn found very inviting. From one gloved hand to the other, he playfully tossed more of the deadly playing cards.

“You’ll die for that!!” the Captain screamed as he mounted his horse and charged at the man. He, too, soon fell from the saddle, slain by an Ace of Spades.

“You should know, Gent’s, that it is very impolite to suggest inflicting such harm on a lady.” the voice was as velvety smooth as the young man’s movements. Andolyn was struck with a sudden paralysis at the newcomer, and one of the soldiers decided to take advantage of the chance he had, but even as he charged, faster than any of them could see, a Seven of Diamonds was placed with perfect accuracy at the base of the man’s neck. Her attacker crashed to the ground before Andolyn’s feet, but his sword caught the back of her hand before falling to the soldier’s side. The young man, now standing a few feet from the runaway Princess, cracked his neck as he flipped the cards over in his skilled hands.

“Why don’t the rest of you run along now?” the man mocked coldly. This last attack on the woman had made him angry. His smooth voice had now turned hard as ice, and the look that reflected from the young man’s eyes made Andolyn shudder. She knew now that her savior’s initial appearance belied what was underneath; this man was dangerous.

Struck with the fear that emanated from him, the remaining soldiers scattered, and the man bounced forward at the same pace he had held before the small battle had begun. One by one, he pulled the cards from their victims and cleaned each one carefully. Andolyn watched him, still frozen to where she stood. She wasn’t sure whether the man was talking to her or to himself as he cleaned the first card he had thrown.

“Two of Hearts…never lets me down.” he murmured softly, sliding the card affectionately back into his deck then, looking up at the Princess he sang, “Anthony Jenkins at your service—but you may call me Spade,” after holding up his Ace of Spades as evidence, Andolyn’s savior finished with a low bow. Andolyn hadn’t yet decided whether she should return his greeting or run for her life.

Should Andolyn stay to find out more, trusting the dangerous man? Or should she run while she has a chance?
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII



Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men

Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2011 2:42 am    Post subject: I Think......  

Interesting. I'm liking this thus far. The writing style is refined, and your wording gives a goood sense of direction. Much love.

At this point, I'd be cautious. Draw the bow on this new comer. Demand an explenation as to why he's helping her. With his nature, this seems a reasonable coarse of action. The sudden change for boisterous to frosty would spook her I think. And at the moment, she needs to be warie of everyone.

Excelent first chapter, I can't wait to see more from you!

Welcome to IF!
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Thunderbird



Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2011 7:20 am    Post subject:  

I agree with Pope. Very nice delivery, especially from an author we've never met! Welcome to IF, Andolyn!

Well, no powerful warrior of any kind is likely to fail to be a bit intimidating at times, even to those they protect. Especially when you don't know who they are. But in this case, he's rescued us... and he's intriguing. So most certainly we should be compelled to accompany him. (Looks like we need some security these days anyhow!)
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Crunchyfrog



Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Posts: 3998

Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2011 9:14 am    Post subject:  

A good start, Andolyn, and welcome to IF! :)

Well - I'm going to go for a different suggestion, and that is to run. He's not going to slay her if he's taken the trouble to protect her. But his reaction to her running is more likely to reveal what his intentions really are.

He may chase her - he may let her go... if it is the latter, I'm sure we've not seen the last of him.
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Andolyn



Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...

Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2011 9:16 am    Post subject:  

Thank you for the encouragement, guys. This story is something I've been working on for almost 2 years now. Once I get it refined and to where I want it, I'm hoping to eventually have it published. I love getting the feedback. It helps me a lot. I already have the story completed, but I'm excited to see where you all take it with your decisions. Not only is it a lot of fun, it's already giving me new ideas for little things to add in or tweak. Thank you all.
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Lebrenth



Joined: 29 Dec 2005
Posts: 1479
Location: Utah

Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2011 10:39 am    Post subject:  

Like the Ace of Spades to Andolyn, your story has made an impressive introduction to IF. I find it interesting that the Queens are decidedly the rulers in your story, and not just in cases where the Kings are absent. It's also different that although the Queen has essentially not produced an heir (no daughters), it doesn't appear to be a problem. It's another nice twist.

Clearly Andolyn is taken with the Ace of Spades or she wouldn't have lowered her bow and gazed at all of his charming attributes in the middle of a fight. She may have an impulse to become extremely defensive now, but I don't think it will take much reassurance from Ace if he's a genuine gentleman.

Call me naive, if you like, but I trust him. He's shown no aggression towards Andolyn and he has in fact saved her. He bowed respectfully and trustingly, even though we have an arrow nocked and ready. The least we can do is return the guesture and offer thanks. Then we take our leave. If he wants to help you, I say let him, but let's not ask for his help. That would be too obvious.

As a critique, let me just say you should remove this line entirely:
Quote: She knew now that her savior’s initial appearance belied what was underneath; this man was dangerous.
First of all, it isn't needed. You've already explained Ace's appearance and mannerisms very clearly and we already saw him kill a soldier instantly with a single throw of a card, twice! Plus it seems strange that a little change in the tone of his voice was more impressive to her. The above line makes the princess seem totally wrapped up in this roguish new character and completely indifferent to the two dead bodies at her feet.
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Chinaren



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 8762
Location: http://www.NeilHarlteyBooks.com

Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2011 7:19 pm    Post subject:  

Hello And, nice to see a good looking start.

One thing I didn't really like, and of course it's only my personal opinion, was the background information (about how they were married off etc). I prefer to find this sort of thing out from conversations and actions as the story unfolds. I think it helps with the reader suspense if the reader doesn't know why this woman is being chased. I mean, she's obviously important, and later on in this chapter we see the ruling class is after her (which tells us something by itself), but there's no rush to spill the beans so quickly IMO.

I'd have also liked to see a bit more of a fight between the guards and this fellow. The scene here kind of smacks of Uberism, which makes me shudder. ;)

Anyway, I'd say she hangs around and finds out more. If he wanted her dead, she'd be dead, and running isn't likely to be any more successful.
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Vishal Muralidharan



Joined: 24 Aug 2010
Posts: 864
Location: City Of IF!

Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2011 9:33 pm    Post subject:  

Actually a really nice start! Im liking this.Good writing here. Solid delivery and I found it quite captivating.

As for the DP, Im fully with Lebby here. Looks like we might need the help, but we wouldn't want to ask him. Lets just wait and see if has help to offer. That should be enough.
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D-Lotus



Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA

Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 12:40 pm    Post subject:  

Beginnings are very important to set the framework for the rest of the story. In your initial chapter you have experimented with a world of frightful fairytales which almost immediately introduces an unfamiliar, superhuman character. I am not sure what to make of it yet, as the tone has not been fully established, so I will wait to see.

In the meanwhile, I'd say ask him for money, and then continue your escape. I'm not sure if the princess has a plan or not, but if she's carrying a bow and arrows, it means she is prepared for certain contingencies, so she must have at least some idea of where she is headed. Perhaps Spade has no intention of letting her go, but nonetheless she should try to follow the planned escape.
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crazybookgal



Joined: 08 Oct 2010
Posts: 196

Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 3:36 pm    Post subject:  

This is one of my favorite kinds of stories :cool: Really awesome start, though I would of liked if you would've fleshed it out a bit more. The terror of the soilder's threat or her heart beating really fast-something like that. You know, lots of adjectives.

I say we play sweet, dumb, and harmless. We do have a bow but this Spade doesn't know we can use it. Him thinking we're helpless will put a small element of suprise on our side. Flutter those pretty eyelashes and make up a good 'poor me" story on the spot.

Welcome to the City Andolyn :D
Hey i have a friend who's last name is Kavanagh!!!!
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Andolyn



Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...

Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 10:36 am    Post subject:  

NOW POLLING EVERYONE!!!
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Crunchyfrog



Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Posts: 3998

Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2011 10:00 pm    Post subject:  

Looks like there's a strong winner emerging on this vote! :D
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII



Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men

Posted: Sun May 01, 2011 3:37 am    Post subject: Voteing  

*Sigh* I keep losing these votes...no one listens anymore *Sniffle* *Sob* *Looks up* Kidding! *Grin* This was an obvious lead on here. From the chatracter's mind set and BG, it was the most logical concusion.....Let's seed das chappy den! I can't wait!
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Andolyn



Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...

Posted: Sun May 01, 2011 5:25 pm    Post subject: LoK Chapter 1 Part 2  

Standing erect once more, Spade glanced over the slightly trembling girl with concern before speaking again.

“Are you alright?” he took a step toward her. Spade’s voice was once again silky smooth, and the blue-green eyes melted to their original warm depth. Lowering her bow and taking a step back, Andolyn put her wounded hand behind her back and answered with a swift nod. Spade took careful note of the blood on the front of the girl's pants, but before he could speak, another voice came from inside one of the tents. This one was heavier—thick with sleep, not at all like the liquid smooth of Spade’s.


“Must you be so danged noisy all the time, Spade??” Spade dismissed the comment with a nonchalant wave of his graceful hand. The flap of the tent was thrown outward as another young man struggled to exit the small space. He stood and stretched, still not noticing the young woman blushing madly.

“You’ll attract quite a bit of attention running around in naught but your skivvies, Mate…” Andolyn’s new friend remarked as he rummaged through the jackets of the men he had recently slain.

“What do you care?” came the still sleep filled reply.

“I don’t…but our guest might…”

The young man, now intrigued, stopped stretching, and looked in his friend’s direction. Upon seeing Andolyn, who was now finding the ground to be something of great interest, Spade’s friend hurriedly grabbed his pants from the clothesline and jogged over to where the woman was standing.

This man’s hair was so dark it almost appeared to Andolyn to be black. He was considerably taller than his fair-haired friend and well built. Beneath the white sleeveless shirt he wore, one could easily see the muscles that years of hard work had built. Unlike Spade’s devilish charm, this young man’s face held a soft comfort. The two were a drastic contrast, but somehow seemed to complement each other perfectly. He hadn’t shaved in what looked like a few days, and he still held his pants loosely in his left hand, but Andolyn couldn’t help but smile at the warm expression he gave her.

Without looking up from his scavenging, Spade gestured with his hand in the direction of the approaching man.

“This is my comrade, Barden, and this is…” it was at this point that Spade stood, struck by the sudden thought, and joined the two as they stood awkwardly next to one another; Barden stood almost a head taller than the Princess. “What did you say your name was again?” he looked at Andolyn questioningly.

“Um…” she stammered, frantically searching her mind for some name, any name but her own to offer them. “Some people call me Moya…” she finally said. It was a childhood nickname from a game she and the children of her village used to play. For some, the nickname stuck, but the young man hadn’t missed a thing.

“Alright,” Spade raised an eyebrow and turned back to his chore. “Then we, too, will call you Moya,” he looked at her over his shoulder with his piercing turquoise eyes, “until you’re ready to tell us your real name…”

Andolyn smiled softly. Barden put a strong arm around her thin shoulders and turned, steering her toward the little camp. “You must be hungry,” he stated, “I know I am!”

“Barden, you’re always hungry.” Andolyn heard Spade sigh from behind them.

“…Says the one who’s usually asking ME when the food’ll be ready…” Barden shot back low enough that only Andolyn could hear. She giggled quietly in return.
It seemed that Andolyn had found some guardians, and for now, for the first time in a long time, she felt safe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Andolyn watched Barden as he knelt down to reignite the fire. Spade, who was ambling up with one of the deceased men’s horses, called enthusiastically to his friend.

“I dropped lunch behind the tent when I noticed our little lady here was in trouble.”
Barden, having gotten the fire to an inviting blaze, walked past Andolyn to get the rabbits Spade had caught while he slept. It was on his way back past her that the red stains on the small bit of cloth she held grabbed his attention.

“What is that??” he looked at her nervously with his clear blue eyes. Kneeling down once again, Barden carefully took Andolyn’s wounded hand between his large calloused ones; Andolyn could see from the distinct patterns that Barden played guitar—she loved guitar… The girl winced when Barden peeled the last piece of the tattered cloth away from her exposed flesh.

“Oh! I’m sorry…oh…” Barden studied Andolyn’s face with concern. “What happened?”

“Those goons happened.” Spade puffed as he came to survey the damage after tying the new horse beside the two that already belonged to them. “One of them was faster than I anticipated…”

“Not by much!” Andolyn protested quietly, “It could have been worse…” She ventured to look up at her savior only to see that he was smiling at her. A deeply hidden look of regret lingered in his eyes as they rested briefly on the deep gash in her hand, but it was gone in an instant when he felt Andolyn’s innocent gaze.

“She’s right, you know,” Barden rummaged in his tent for something with which to clean the wound. “It could have been much worse…she could have lost her hand…or her arm…or they could have—” he was cut off when he reemerged and was hit with Andolyn’s fear filled expression. “…they could have…turned and left like gentlemen would have…” The young man sat awkwardly and looked at Andolyn. He sighed with an apologetic look about him. “I’m glad you’re alright.”

When Barden had finished cleaning and dressing Andolyn’s hand, he went back to the chore of cooking their lunch. Andolyn took it upon herself to “clean” the cuts on her face; she wiped the blood away with the side of her good hand.

Spade appeared next to Andolyn after spending a few moments in his tent. The two of them sat silently, waiting for Barden to finish. Andolyn wondered if her lack of conversation was rude, but neither man pushed her to speak, and she didn’t quite feel comfortable enough to divulge any information about herself or her situation just yet, so she held the silence like a child holds a favorite toy.

The only sound that persisted as the trio ate their meal was the chirping of birds. Occasionally one of the two young men would offer a small tidbit of information, but nothing of consequence. Both Spade and Barden could sense the girl’s discomfort and neither wanted to increase it. Finally when the meal had finished, Spade laid his hand lightly across Andolyn’s shoulders.

“What else do you need?” he asked, though he already knew the answer.

“Nothing…” came the barely audible reply, but the dark circles that now shadowed Andolyn’s steadily dulling eyes betrayed her. The noonday sun beat down on them from above, but for Andolyn it might as well have been midnight. Spade stood, dragging the quickly fading, incognito Princess with him and led her to his tent.

“I’ve cleared it out for you,” Spade helped her get settled before silently withdrawing to join Barden by the fire pit. Andolyn lay awake for a few moments listening to the birds before drifting into an uneasy sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ten minutes had yet to pass before Andolyn was shaken out of her sleep and brought to a sitting position by the quietest of noises outside the tent. Several sounds came from outside—the young men were busying themselves with cleaning and sharpening their weapons, but there was one sound in particular that caught the girl’s attention.

It was a quiet jingling that came from behind the little camp. She had heard it many times before—and it had always signified death for whoever was protecting her.

It’s been months since he last found me, Andolyn thought frantically, why now? Why them??

Willand, the prince’s ruthless assassin, had been chasing the princess from the time she had left the castle. Hearing the clashes of the battle only half an hour before, Willand had made his way around to the back of the camp to wait for the deadly Spade to put down his guard. The possessions of past victims Willand had taken as trophies accounted for the soft jingling noise as they hung at his waist. Any time he had found Andolyn in the past the people had sacrificed themselves to hide her, so she had always managed to escape his clutches—by running.

Andolyn could remember the first time she came in contact with the depraved man. She had just arrived at the castle and was exploring the many vast hallways. At the time, Willand had been a squire to one of the prince’s knights, but the young man had shown a particular talent in the arts of death in conjunction with a pronounced bloodlust for the rebellion. To him, taking these lives was a sacred duty.

The princess had always thought that she had been the cause of Willand’s rise to his current rank—or downfall to it, depending on who you were asking.

Willand, too remembered his first meeting with Andolyn. He had seen the new princess and thought her to be one of considerable beauty, and wanted her for himself. On one beautiful spring day, he found her alone in the corridors of the castle and thought the opportunity was perfect. When Andolyn walked past him, Willand grabbed her shoulders, throwing her against the wall. Andolyn had struggled and eventually gotten herself free. Radan, hearing the outbursts, had come and found the scene at its end: Andolyn running towards him, and Willand cradling a bloodied nose. Enraged, Radan had thrown Willand to the dungeons, but after thinking the situation through, he realized Willand’s potential uses alive as opposed to beheaded. In payment for his crimes, Willand was made the prince’s key assassin.

The job had its perks, to be sure. Aside from free residence in the castle and a seeming place of honor at the prince’s table, Willand was allowed to do that which he loved most—his “sacred duty” of ridding Ardara of the Underground and those sympathetic to it. To Willand himself though, the position was a prison.
Willand knew that to disobey the prince would mean certain death. Radan certainly had the man power to catch him, and he’d proved his determination with the hunt for Andolyn. Willand knew the only reason she had survived as long as she had was because of the people’s love—a luxury he didn’t have. No, to disobey would mean being subjected to the prince’s wrath. All sorts of tortures awaited those who had wronged the crown. One such torture was the machine—a wicked device that uses electric currents with powerful magic to inflict tremendous torture on the victim until death.

When Andolyn had fled, Radan had given Willand orders to hunt her down and destroy any who stood in his path. The princess was the last person Willand wished to kill. Not until he gave her the option to be his forever that is. He saw her former refusal as a type of hesitation. Perhaps he’d been a little too forward. He would try to win her over. At least he would have, if it didn’t mean he would die. So for the last year and a half, Willand had been chasing the princess all across Ardara.

Any time he managed to find her, he found particular joy in destroying those who had hidden her. Men, women, it didn’t matter. Hunting his obsession for the betterment of a king he didn’t love was all worth it to be able to kill freely.
Now, here he was, creeping into this tiny encampment. He could see them—the two young men. One was definitely a threat, and would probably provide a good bit of fun if he were given the chance to defend himself. He wouldn’t be given that chance though. Willand had learned that if they were given a chance to fight, Andolyn always managed to escape. Not by her own will, but because of the people’s desperation to keep her alive. A long spike to the heart would end this “Spade” quickly. The razor cards the man wielded would make a fantastic edition to Willand’s collection of trophies. From there, the other would be easily taken care of. Struck with the shock of this companion’s death, despite his level of skill, the other would fall just as quickly as the first. Then Willand would find the girl…

Andolyn has a choice. She is quickly bonding to these two colorful characters, but Willand is a frightening force. What will she do next?
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Thunderbird



Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Posted: Sun May 01, 2011 9:00 pm    Post subject:  

You have some great expressiveness in this.

But PLEASE! Give us some spaces between your paragraphs! My eyes hurt trying to keep from getting lost in that solid wall of text!

Otherwise, grammatically, I see some real skill here.

Now, in regards to the storytelling, I like where its going. But it would be nice, if, when faced with a decision point, we have the situation presented. This gives us some more detail to work with. As omniscient readers, we now know that Willand is about to attack the camp. But we're being asked what Andolyn will do now, when she doesn't know that he approaches. That makes for a tough DP.

She turns to citizens for help through her trials? Well, she would have full confidence in these two but may have warned them of the man who trails her, Willand. Perhaps they have set up a trap for him as a result.
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Andolyn



Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...

Posted: Sun May 01, 2011 9:10 pm    Post subject:  

sorry...fixed the spacing. haha! as for the decision point, she does know. she heard his belt. ((that may have been lost in the wall of text...so sorry)) i'm still getting the hang of all this...bare with me. ;)
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Thunderbird



Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Posted: Sun May 01, 2011 9:13 pm    Post subject:  

Scream for them to run!

Sorry, yeah, by the time I got to the bottom, among the strain of the text, I had forgotten you had established that at the beginning of that last segment.

And, don't worry 'bout it! Its something just about every new SG'er has done :)
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII



Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men

Posted: Sun May 01, 2011 10:50 pm    Post subject: I Think......  

YAY! Muches hot manness makes the Pope happy. *Grin* *Spins* There is good times to be had with "Traveling companions" But, I shall try and remove my mind from the gutter for a few minutes to respond here.

A good chapter, and from what Thunder-kun said, I missed reading this one with no para-spaces. *Snaps fingers* Damn. I like reading stuff like that. Don't worry, I got yelled at about doing it too, but know you are not alone!

I have to agree with Thunder-kun on the TMI issue. I'm often told that I have not enough information to make an informed DP, but for this one it seems the exact opposite. The transistion between what's going on and the guys past was a subtle as a sledgehammer to the face if I can make a little poke there. A better transistion point would really do some good there. Also, and I'm posative this is just my opninion, I don't think any girl wouldn't at least feel a little hesitant to be lead off into a tent by some guy she just met. I understand that she's either naive or just that trusting, but she seems to have taken far too much for granted in these men. Just an observation.

As for the DP? *Evil grin* I'd say give herself up, and rely on her feminin wiles to escape later. If she's truly dead set on not letting any more people die for her, and she remembers how this guy feels about her, I can see her finding it a rational corse of action. So, sneak out, go to where she heared the noise, and plan on getting away later! (We can always have the knights in cloth armor rescure her later) :lol:

Good chapter! Keep'em rollin' to us!
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Lebrenth



Joined: 29 Dec 2005
Posts: 1479
Location: Utah

Posted: Mon May 02, 2011 7:29 am    Post subject:  

I like the assassin's tell, the jingling when he approaches. It's wildly impractical for one who wishes to kill without being detected, but it's also very interesting. Anyway, I'd be grateful if my assassin did the same (if I had one). Nonetheless, we have very short warning, I suspect, if we can hear the jingling. I don't think we have time for strategy, we can only wake everyone up and warn them of danger. We'll have a fight, and if it looks like we're losing, we'll try to run (ideally on horseback).
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crazybookgal



Joined: 08 Oct 2010
Posts: 196

Posted: Mon May 02, 2011 5:40 pm    Post subject:  

Lebrenth wrote: I like the assassin's tell, the jingling when he approaches. It's wildly impractical for one who wishes to kill without being detected, but it's also very interesting. Anyway, I'd be grateful if my assassin did the same (if I had one).

yes i wish my assassin was like that *cough* i mean not that i have one.
but uh, if i disappear for a while...you know...

all the options i think have been presented other than do nothing, and that might not be such a smart choice
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Thunderbird



Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Posted: Mon May 02, 2011 8:01 pm    Post subject:  

Well, there's also:

*Grab a weapon and run off into the night, abandoning them to die.
*Grab a weapon and take a position to ambush the assassin, making no signal to the others to give away that she knows the assassin is approaching.
*Start prancing around camp naked to distract the assassin.

And a myriad of other sillier suggestions I could think of... ;)

But in thinking in character, I say she screams like a girl to warn the camp and runs like the wind!
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Andolyn



Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...

Posted: Mon May 02, 2011 8:26 pm    Post subject:  

all very good...haha! though you might be surprised at what she did in the actual story. ;) i'll say no more since this is your all's job, but dont underestimate her just yet.
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Thunderbird



Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Posted: Mon May 02, 2011 8:27 pm    Post subject:  

So I'm curious... have we suggested what she did in the original version yet?
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Vikas Muralidharan



Joined: 29 Aug 2010
Posts: 600

Posted: Tue May 03, 2011 3:45 am    Post subject:  

Basically.... Ivent been here for a while and I came back just today. So, I asked my bro (also on IF) for a suggestion on what storygame to read, and he asked me to read this one.

**Runs and thanks him for the amazing suggestion** :D

Stories about a princess running away from a prince, while being hunted by him are not new in India. Technically, this is quite similar to kid's story my grandparents told me when I was 8.

In that story, the princess and the people who are sheltering her, run from the prince, get caught, kill the prince, move to another kingdom and live happily ever after :P

But I guess that here, she should alert the others and plan a quick getaway. She'll most probably fail, but if she does, she can always act as if she's fallen for Willand and run with Spade later
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Andolyn



Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...

Posted: Tue May 03, 2011 8:59 am    Post subject:  

Vikas, you make me blush. =)

Thunder, you ((in one of your many suggestions)) did actually get it. ;)
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Vishal Muralidharan



Joined: 24 Aug 2010
Posts: 864
Location: City Of IF!

Posted: Tue May 03, 2011 7:02 pm    Post subject:  

My suggestions are awesome. You're welcome :P
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Andolyn



Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...

Posted: Tue May 03, 2011 8:42 pm    Post subject:  

teeheehee...i hope you'd still suggest it after reading part 2!!
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Vishal Muralidharan



Joined: 24 Aug 2010
Posts: 864
Location: City Of IF!

Posted: Tue May 03, 2011 8:45 pm    Post subject:  

I read part 2...No suggestions.. thats all. It still terrific :D
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Thunderbird



Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Posted: Tue May 03, 2011 8:45 pm    Post subject:  

What suggestions are those, V?
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Vishal Muralidharan



Joined: 24 Aug 2010
Posts: 864
Location: City Of IF!

Posted: Tue May 03, 2011 8:47 pm    Post subject:  

Oh wait..

This is what I meant --> I suggested this SG to other people (Vikas). I don't have anything to say for this DP. And I found Part 2 great.

That's all :D
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Andolyn



Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...

Posted: Tue May 03, 2011 9:14 pm    Post subject:  

HAHA i knew what you meant. ;) Keep up, Thunder! haha! :P
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Thunderbird



Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Posted: Tue May 03, 2011 9:27 pm    Post subject:  

Ah... I would've used the term 'referral' for that ;)
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Vishal Muralidharan



Joined: 24 Aug 2010
Posts: 864
Location: City Of IF!

Posted: Tue May 03, 2011 9:29 pm    Post subject:  

That's the word I was searching for. I hate how sometimes you just forget words... ;)
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Vikas Muralidharan



Joined: 29 Aug 2010
Posts: 600

Posted: Wed May 04, 2011 12:42 am    Post subject:  

LOL.....

Seriously, well written
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crazybookgal



Joined: 08 Oct 2010
Posts: 196

Posted: Wed May 04, 2011 5:37 pm    Post subject:  

hey after the poll is finished and all voted for and done is done-no turning back, will u tell us what she did in the real story??? cause now u've made me reallly curious :P
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Andolyn



Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...

Posted: Wed May 04, 2011 5:42 pm    Post subject:  

hahaha absolutely! if you want, i can do a separate thread with the real story as we go along. =)
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Andolyn



Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...

Posted: Thu May 05, 2011 8:57 am    Post subject:  

Thought you all might want to see Barden and Spade. =)

http://s295.photobucket.com/albums/mm133/GaelicSoprano/?action=view&current=DSCN7260.jpg
Barden

http://s295.photobucket.com/albums/mm133/GaelicSoprano/?action=view&current=DSCN7260.jpg#!oZZ1QQcurrentZZhttp%3A%2F%2Fs295.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fmm133%2FGaelicSoprano%2F%3Faction%3Dview%26current%3DDSCN7262.jpg
Spade
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crazybookgal



Joined: 08 Oct 2010
Posts: 196

Posted: Fri May 06, 2011 3:32 am    Post subject:  

Mmmm...Spade :wub:
did u draw those?
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Andolyn



Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...

Posted: Fri May 06, 2011 10:12 am    Post subject:  

i did. =) and yes...he ((Taylor, the inspiration)) looks just like that in real life. quite the cutie. <3 they both mean the world to me.
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Thunderbird



Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Posted: Fri May 06, 2011 11:34 am    Post subject:  

Very nice artwork there, Andolyn! Its not easy getting features quite right and you did very well at that!
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