City of IF

[Vishal Muralidharan]

Okayy.. That was a very fast paced chapter. That ain't necessarily bad though. It was short, concise and to the point, and that helps. I really want to know more about Spade's past though.

To the Emporium! :D

[Andolyn]

thanks for the comment, Vishal!! and dont worry...the rest is coming relatively soon...ish...lol! but in bits & pieces like it has been so far...do you like that approach?

[PopeAlessandrosXVIII]

An interesting read indeed. I'm liking the character developments as well as the swift plot movements. Can I have a Machine? It sounds fun *Grin*

I must say, to get the hellabaloo OUT of the city before the doors close. I know Spade needs treatment, but staying in the city is too dangerous. So, Ebony needs to grab some of her more friendly potions, and they need to find refuge outside the city walls. Perhaps some of the Underground could spread rumors about the princess still being in the city so the Prince keeps his eye facing inwards rather then beyond his walls.

Keep up the good work.

[Andolyn]

thanks, Pope!! i was hoping the further we went along the more you'd find what you're after. =) Spade is by far the most complex character i've ever created...i hope you all enjoy discovering more about him as much as i like telling you about him. =) We're now coming into the intense, faster paced portion of the story. all introductions of critical characters have been made and established, so now it's on to the real action!! =D

[Lilith]

I'm going to have to say that they move towards safehouses belonging to those of the 'rebellion'. The Emporium is going to be the first place the Prince and his henchmen are going to look, plus, I'm sure Ebony would have brought all kinds of healing goodies with her, she's no slouch.

[Andolyn]

the prince doesnt know about the Emporium...but that will be explained more later. ;) a safehouse outside the city is a novel idea though! i like it. =)

[Vishal Muralidharan]

Andolyn wrote: thanks for the comment, Vishal!! and dont worry...the rest is coming relatively soon...ish...lol! but in bits & pieces like it has been so far...do you like that approach?

No, because I want to know everything :/

And that's exactly what you should want a reader to say. Great work An! The chapter was very well written, like the rest of the story. My only concern was the "rushed" part, but I really do think its okay. It wasn't too rushed, but I just expected another fantastic, can't-take-my-eyes-oof chapter, and ended up reading one that was a little rushed. ;)

[Kalanna Rai]

It's time to use the time honored traditional hide out of rebels and thieves...Quick to the sewers*!






*Or other miscellaneous underground tunnels.

[Andolyn]

haha weeell, they are the "Underground"!! haha!

Vishal: thanks for that! and i'll be sure to keep in mind the rushing thing as we go forward. =)

[Thunderbird]

Ok, I know I haven't read the original but I'm finally getting the sense we're covering new ground thanks to DPs. (I could be wrong ;) )

This is getting better as it goes and it was good to start with. Love how Spade isn't being made out to be a superhuman and is showing his weaknesses. His background blurb was cool, yes, but who would put a 14 yr old in charge of anyone??? Still good stuff nevertheless.

DP: Run to the hills where a friendly band of renegade riders have shamanistic healers that may aide them.

[Andolyn]

haha the last two chapters are totally new, yes. =) i really dont like my original of this section, but that's all i could think of. haha! so THIS is the true purpose of this SG for me...helping me with the parts III dont like. lol!! i think from here on out, there will be a good mixture of new things and original. hope you like! =)

[Tikanni Corazon]

This is another wonderful chapter, Andi! And continuing on from the previous chapter, it's definitely some of your best work. And I apologise that it's taken me so long to reply. Damn internet is playing me up something terrible.

Not sure how long this ability to post will last, so I'll have to be brief, and get straight to the DP.

I say go back to Kellan's house. They should be safe enough, as long as they're not followed or betrayed. And I want to get to know Kellan more. Still love Barden! He's so adorable! ;)


Keep up the good work, my friend! :)

[Andolyn]

thanks Tika!! well, it looks like thats all of the usuals...so lets go ahead & poll!!

[Vishal Muralidharan]

WAIT A SECOND.

I just read through the whole story again once, and I think we all forgot about the whole "Queens do the ruling with the king by her side" (Its at the first chapter). Logically, Andolyn should be the next ruler, and hence, should have more power over the guards than Radan does. If she hates Radan so much, she can marry him and have him killed.

But then, they aren't married yet, which means Radan still has power over the guards. If Radan still wants to marry us(which I doubt, seeing that we've been involved with Spade), we can marry him and have him killed instantly.

Im sorry, these suggestions are probably pointless, but this one piece of info is something we shouldn't forget.

[Vikas Muralidharan]

Vishal Muralidharan wrote: If Radan still wants to marry us(which I doubt, seeing that we've been involved with Spade), we can marry him and have him killed instantly.


Us??! WE??! o.O

[Andolyn]

The castle walls shook with the echoes of the explosions. This caused Andolyn to lose her footing as she and the escapees retreated through a tunnel that led to the lower grounds, but she was quickly pulled to her feet by one of the shadowy men behind her. Kellan ran in front, his mind, a storm of worry, but his face was stony and determined for the sake of those he was leading. Spade was fading fast in his arms, and Kellan was unsure if his skill would be enough to bring the thief back from the brink of death, but he refused to give up until Spade was healed or his heart stopped completely. For this reason, Kellan rushed, and didn't bother to hide which way he was heading. He knew that several of his men were coming behind to hide their tracks.

The group burst out of the tunnel as a final shake announced the grand finale of the explosions and the retreat of their comrades. They prayed for safe return of the rest as they moved onwards to get away from the wicked prince and his followers.The foggy night outside the castle was treacherous, but for the purposes of the small band of men and women heading across the fields surrounding Darbinshire that night, the cover was more than welcome.

The ragtag team had barely escaped thanks to the cover of the men in the Underground, some of which ran alongside them now. Barden struggled to keep in step with the group as he became lightheaded from loss of blood and exhaustion. Andolyn, running on adrenaline, was still in high gear, but the pain of her head and hand were growing steadily. Ebony supported her friend as best she could while still trying to match Kellan's hurried pace.

In the blacksmith's arms, Spade shivered in a fevered state of unconsciousness. The blanket Kellan had wrapped the boy in didn't keep out the chill of the August night completely. They needed help, and soon, if Spade was to survive this one. Kellan was the most skilled of the healers in the Underground--necessity on the battlefield had made him such--but even as skilled as he was, there was nothing Kellan could do out here in the dark and damp.

Next in the line behind Kellan, was Andolyn. In the moonlight, she could see Spade's hair from where his head rested on Kellan's shoulder. One of the young man's arms hung down to the side as Kellan ran. The girls sense of guilt and remorse grew with every step the group took. It consumed her mind until all she saw was Spade's ghostly face, and all she could hear were the screams she now knew to be his that had chilled her so while she waited in her cell earlier that day. No longer was Andolyn running to safety with her friends. No, she was in the midst of the tortures in her own mind, and to Andolyn, that's right where she deserved to be. This was all her fault. The reason Kellan and the Underground had risked their lives to come and save them, the reason Barden struggled behind her now...the reason Spade was dying...was her.

As they ran, up ahead, a small light became visible out in the distance. Kellan paused, and with a subtle motion of his hand, two of his men sprang forward to investigate the source. While they were gone, Andolyn slid her way over to Barden. Still in shock, she said nothing, but in the dim light of the full moon, Barden could see her green eyes gazing at him intently.

With a halfhearted smile, Barden grabbed the girl into a hug and held her there. With their heights, his face rested on the top of her head. The light, golden threads of her hair were soft and comfortable to his battered skin, and he found the sweet smell of them relaxing.

"I'm alright, Andy," he whispered into her hair, "and I'm so glad you're safe." He felt her thin shoulders begin to tremble, and then to shake with silent sobs that wracked her entire body. Andolyn's mind was closing in on her, shutting down, and Barden knew it. Spade wasn't the only one in need of saving that night. Barden ran a strong hand through the girl's hair, which caused the air around them to be filled with the smell of freesia, and held her throughout the silent anticipation of the scouts' return.

When the two came back, they spoke to Kellan in hushed tones. Kellan turned to the rest of the weary group.

"There's a small encampment of Allabain up ahead, if they don't have a healer, they'll definitely have something I can use to work on him until we make it to the Underground," Kellan told them. At the mention of the Allabain, Ebony lit up. It had been long since she'd been among her people.

Onward they trudged, moving with slightly more hope than they had before. When they neared the camp, Ebony went before the others. She found a watchman at the edge of the camp and spoke to him hurriedly in their own language, telling him of their plight. She then turned and whistled for the others to follow her.

The camp was bright and flamboyant, as was the culture of the Allabain, despite their being hunted by Radan. The wooden covered wagons that served as their homes were made into a circle around an inviting blaze. Colorful banners and ribbons decorated the wagons as if there was a festival of some sort. Such was not the case, but the Allabain make it a practice to celebrate every day as if it were the last they would be granted...they never knew when that would be true.

The travelers entered cautiously and were greeted by stares from everyone in the camp. Their appearance had hushed all music and put an end to all celebration. The watchman came to Kellan, looked Spade over quickly with great gravity in his eyes, and lead Kellan into a wagon near the back of the encampment, away from the others.

A few of the women rushed on Andolyn and Ebony, tending to the small wounds on Andolyn's face and head. They took them into the wagons and got them dry, new clothes and sat them by the fire with mugs of the stuff Ebony had given them on their way into the castle. One of the old women stayed by Andolyn's side, holding her hand and giving her words of encouragement in the Allabain language. She laid colorful, beaded necklaces around Andolyn's neck, kissing each one softly before she did so.

"She's giving you luck and blessings," Ebony explained, "The beads deflect evil, mischievous spirits. The kisses are said to enhance a person's inner good." Those words caused tears to form in Andolyn's eyes again. At that moment, she felt as though she had no inner good. Toward herself, she only felt a miserable, wretched hatred.

For Andolyn, it was as though she was in a dream. Nothing registered in her mind; she simply went and did as she was told until she was left with Ebony, staring into the blaze.

Barden's wounds, too, were tended and he was eventually deposited by the fire next to Ebony. His cuts were deeper than he remembered on his first assessment, but then many of them had been ripped wider during the rescue mission.He felt instantly refreshed by the sheer atmosphere, but the weight on his heart was heavy.

Andolyn had yet to speak since she'd seen Spade, and now it was as though she wasn't even with them. Despite his efforts on the way to this stopping point, Barden sensed that they were losing Andolyn too. He wondered what was happening in that tiny wagon at the back of the camp, and knew that Spade's recovery was the only thing that would break the princess from the prison she had built in her own mind.

They didn't have to wait too long before Kellan and the healer emerged. Kellan's men moved in closer to the trio sitting by the fire so as to include them in hearing what was happening.

"It's bad," he sighed heavily, rubbing his head, "Much worse than I'd originally thought. I can't treat him here." Andolyn stood and tears began streaming down her face. The elderly woman stood next to her, still holding her hand with an arm around her waist in a comforting gesture. "The healer has offered to give us a ride to the hideout...It will make covering our tracks far more difficult for the men behind us, but I feel our need of haste outweighs that risk."

Without much further discussion, the group readied themselves, said their thank yous and goodbyes to the Allabain, and headed out once again.

Before she entered the wagon, the elderly woman stopped Andolyn and took both of her young hands in her tired, wrinkled ones and kissed them each. When she released the girl, Andolyn noticed that there was now something cool and smooth in her hand. It was a small, round stone with an image carved into it. Andolyn was sure she'd seen the image before, but her mind was too clouded to remember where.

"You!" the woman's look was a mixture of adoration and urgency to get her point across. Andolyn gave a small wave of thanks to the woman before Barden shut the wagon door behind her.

*****

When the sun rose through the stained glass skylights of the Underground's Darbinshire base the next morning, Andolyn, Ebony, and Barden waited anxiously while Kellan worked tirelessly in the next room to help Spade as he battled for his life. Barden and Ebony chatted quietly, but Andolyn, who still viewed herself to be the cause of the entire ordeal, hadn’t spoken a word since she laid eyes on Spade’s broken body. She only sat staring out one of the small windows cut into the side of the hill.

Barden and Ebony's conversation was interrupted when Kellan entered the room. Without waiting for him to speak, Andolyn slid around him and into the room where Spade was sleeping uneasily.

“I’ve done everything I can for him,” Kellan sighed. “It’s up to Spade now. He has to decide to live, and God has to decide to let him.”

This was not exactly the news they were hoping for, but Barden and Ebony knew that Spade was strong.

Kellan had made his way to the sink to wash the blood off his hands. It was then that Barden noticed the half dollar sized scar on the top of Kellan’s wrist—this was not the quiet man’s first encounter with the Prince’s machine. Out of the corner of his eye, Kellan spotted Barden’s gaze.

“It uses an electric current,” he stated simply. Barden stared at the floor. “I haven’t completely figured it out yet, but from what I can tell, it sends a high volume of electricity through the body, but that isn’t all it does. Electric shock doesn’t account for all the damage it produces.” He paused here to dry his hands and take a seat near Ebony and Barden. “I’ve seen it used several times on several people, all of which were at the top of the Prince’s most wanted list. I’ve never seen it taken this far though. I knew Radan hated Spade...but this? It's barbaric even for him.”

Outside of helping Andolyn, Barden could think of nothing in their history together that would have offended the prince to this degree, and if his affiliation with the princess was the cause of the pain inflicted on the young man, why had Barden not received the same treatment?

*****

Ebony provided all of the meals for everyone that day. After each meal, they would take turns making a plate for Andolyn. The evening meal was Barden’s round, so he filled a plate and entered the small room where Andolyn still sat next to Spade. He paused in the doorway to process the scene. Spade, still deathly pale and unconscious, lay beneath the warm blankets on the bed. Andolyn sat next to him holding his hand; her head rested on their clasped hands. In the candlelight Barden could see the tracks of tears on her cheeks as she stared blankly at the floor. The plates from the previous meals sat on the small table across the room, untouched.

“This was not your fault,” he said softly. The only response the princess made was to lift her reddened eyes to briefly meet his. “We knew the risks, Princess. We all did what we had to do.” Barden knew these words did nothing to ease the girl’s heartache, but he had no idea what else to say. Truthfully, there was nothing he could have said. Andolyn’s worst fear had exploded into reality. Her friends had been made to suffer more on her behalf, and right now the odds of Spade losing his life were heavily weighted against him. Barden sat the food on the side table next to Andolyn then laid his hand on her back before returning to the room where Ebony and Kellan waited for him.

When he had gone, Andolyn turned her face toward Spade. Tenderly, she tucked a loose strand of his golden hair behind his ear with her free hand. At her touch, Spade took a deep breath, but remained still otherwise; the rattling had given way to a light wheezing. More tears poured from Andolyn’s eyes.

The candle on Spade's bedside table flickered, struggling to remain lit.

“Please, don’t leave me,” Andolyn begged. “Not like this.”

*****

And now we come to a waiting game...what happens now? Do they simply wait to discover Spade's fate? Does Barden go out and help the Underground ensure that they remain undiscovered? Something else? Your decision!!

[Tikanni Corazon]

Another fab chapter, Andi!


I'm intrigued by the stone given to Andolyn by the old woman, and I'd actually like to know more about the image carved into it. Is it an image that will only be familiar to Andolyn herself, or to us as readers, I wonder?


For the dp, I think they should remain at the Underground, while Spade's life still hangs in the balance, and wait to see what happens there. But also, I think that they should try and lure Andolyn away from his bedside for a little while. Maybe just to try and put it to one side of her mind for a little while, to ease the guilt. And when that happens, for them all to have a discussion, and talk about themselves. It'll be a great opportunity to find out more about Kellan and Ebony, and even Barden really. Though we're familiar with his personality and the like, I think it would be nice to hear something about his past and such, even if it's just something normal. And I do want to know more about Kellan.


Looking forward to the next one! Keep up the good work!

[Vishal Muralidharan]

I really hate DP's like these. I never get a solution, or I get too many. I am gonna end up f5-ing Tika. :/ That, and try to find out what the carving on the stone is. Ask the others if they know anything bout the carving.

Anyway, GREAT chapter, An! I'll look forward to the next one :D

[Lilith]

Is anybody besides me angry about Spade's current status? Personally, I think Barden and Ebony should start off to either get revenge or grab the person who originally invented that mache and throttle them a bit until they cooperate to come back and give Kellan more information on how to battle the machine's after-effects.

Don't just sit there and watch, do SOMETHING.

Nice chapter Andi, however I noticed that your style took a differet path this time, and I think I prefer your previous ... feeling. This one feels like you barely grazed at it, and a bit rushed... I think slowing down a little bit would be a good idea because I really do enjoy this story.

[Andolyn]

thanks for the feedback, guys!! and btw, after reading Lil's comment, ((and i plan to do this with the entire story at a later date)) i went back on this chapter and...enhanced it...shall we say. =) so even if you've already read it, give it another go and let me know what you think. =)

thanks for following guys!!

[Andolyn]

last chance to get in on the suggestions!! polling will begin tomorrow! =)

[Thunderbird]

Loving it so far An, but that last chapter came too quick for me... I gotta catch up again before I can comment much further and my reading time budgeted is falling a bit short at the moment if I want to get a chapter written this weekend ;) Be back with more to say soon.

[Andolyn]

aaaaaannnnnd POLLING!!

[Thunderbird]

Broke a tie :D

I'm beginning to realize I need to read into this tale a lot of parallels that you may be indicating. That said, it gives some of the comments in these chapters more purpose and meaning and grants insight as to the cause for some of the more... erm... tender... moments to be drawn out as they are. I may have felt they had been drawn out a bit too long but I can see how they really form the core of the purpose of the tale so in that, it makes more sense. This is not just an action fantasy but a mirrored glimpse into RL, no? In this case, the story is quite well delivered.

[Andolyn]

Why thank you, T. =) yes...if you read the author's note and prologue of the original tale, it explains a lot of the purpose of the story as a whole. I've said it before that the people in this story are all real...but i might have forgotten to mention that most of the events are at least based on reality as well. ;) this story was written as a way for me to lay out my heart before those i love. i know some of the things written here wont make sense to everyone...but to the real people involved, these words mean everything. =)

[Andolyn]

The silence in the room where Barden sat with Ebony and Kellan was as deep as the night outside the Underground's base the following night. The only sounds were the ticking of the clock on the fireplace's mantle and the swish of Ebony's knife as she whittled away at some wood in her hand, carefully crafting a new set of arrows with some stones she'd found outside earlier that day.

The sound of the group waiting was slowly driving Barden insane. He jumped to his feet suddenly, "Why are we just sitting here?? Why aren't we doing something?? There has to be something we can do...something besides sitting here waiting for Spade to die..." He finished, leaning against the fireplace.

Ebony sighed. She'd been thinking much the same thing herself as she sat there working her craft. She'd only met Spade once, but he was one of their companions. That wasn't the only thing that angered Ebony about this situation though. She had never before seen Andolyn in this state. The girl had come through some incredible hardships, and always managed to wear a smile through them...but not this time. This occurrence had crippled the girl in a way that Ebony had never seen. Andolyn's pain angered her.

Kellan stared at the floor, deep in thought. His grey-blue eyes studied the soft grain of the wood beneath him.

"There's one thing we could do..." Kellan stroked his fire red goatee as he spoke. "There's a man...Ferris...the creator of the Machine..."

"What??" Barden and Ebony both stared at the calm man seated by the fire, but it was Barden who spoke. "You knew who created that thing all along and didn't deal with him??"

"That proposition had crossed my mind," Kellan didn't look up, "But until now, the Machine hasn't caused any serious damage...only minor pain." He paused, taking a deep breath. "This though...this...brutality...it calls for action. Who knows how far he'll take it next time...especially if he were to get his hands on one of us leaders again...or..."

Andolyn.

No one needed to say it, because it's what they were all thinking. They all knew that if she were captured again, the girl's suffering would be greater than anything they dared imagine, and it would end in her death.

"Aside from that," Kellan continued with a shudder, shaking off the anger that flared from the mere thought of that pig laying a hand on her again, "Ferris is heavily guarded. Until now, what could be gained from an attack on him wasn't worth the loss of life that is sure to go along with it." Kellan stood, raising his arms and stretching his long, thin body to its full height before turning toward the hall. The talk of Andolyn, though only hinted, had given him a desire to see the girl again. Besides, he rationalized to himself, It’s about time I checked on Spade again anyways…

"You all make the decision...do we attack or wait here? I'm going to check on them while you decide." With that, he strode down the hall to where Spade and Andolyn were staying.

*****

Andolyn sighed as she sat with her head laying next to Spade's arm. She longed for sleep, but couldn't bring herself to leave him...not even by her state of consciousness.

Kellan entered the room, but stayed by the door.

“You must really care for him,” Kellan’s shy voice was so soft it was almost a whisper.

“Yeah,” the princess sighed. Her heart ached as she watched Spade struggle just to breathe, but Kellan was pleased that she was at least speaking. “It feels like I’m sitting here watching my brother. He and Barden are both my family now. I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for them. At this point, I don’t know that I would even be alive without them.”

“Well,” Kellan moved slightly closer to the girl, “Take it from someone who knows a thing or two about Spade. Going into that castle last night was his choice. Whatever it is that you three are trying to accomplish, he saw it as important enough to lay down his life. He sees you as important enough to lay down his life. Otherwise, there is nothing you could have done to get him in that castle. That’s just the way he has always been. He went because you are that important to him. You were going into that castle, and there’s nothing anyone could have done to keep him from following you.”

Andolyn nodded, but stayed silent otherwise. Her right hand ached from the broken bones, and she couldn’t move any of her fingers. Kellan watched the girl wince when she attempted movement of the appendage. He marveled at the girl's tolerance of such pain, knowing she must be in agony.

“Let me see that,” Kellan took the injured hand in his. “We’re going to have to set that...and it's going to hurt. I’m assuming you don’t want to leave him, so I’ll have to do it right here..I’m very sorry for this, Milady.”

Even though she did her best to hold it in, Barden heard one scream from out in the other room where he was still waiting. He burst through the door to see Andolyn biting her lip with tears of pain streaming down her face. Kellan worked busily to set the shattered bones with a make-shift cast he had made earlier that day.

“Andy?” Barden’s forehead was creased with worry.

“She’ll be alright,” Kellan promised him, a deep frown still adorning his own lips. “She’s a strong one. I’m betting the prince’s face didn’t fare too well with a force that strong pummeling it.”

“No,” Andolyn laughed through her tears, “He was fairly quick to call a guard.”

“There,” Kellan sat back, “That should do it, Milady. Just be careful with that.” He shook a long finger at the princess. He then leaned down and kissed her left hand just above the scar from the prince’s guard. “If you need anything, you know where to find me.”

Kellan and Barden retreated from the room together.

“I still can’t believe she did that,” Barden shook his head, “and all because she thought the prince had killed us.”

“I can,” Kellan said knowingly, “She cares a great deal for you two, that’s easy to see by the way she’s hovering over Spade. I know she’d be doing the same thing if it were you.”

Barden nodded with a flash of a tender smile.

“It will break her heart if he dies,” Kellan continued.

“It will break more than just her heart,” Barden mumbled. “He’s my best friend. I don’t want to think about what life would be without him.”

Now it was Kellan’s turn to nod as the two of them continued down the hall in silence. In truth, after all of their history, the loss of Spade would break Kellan’s heart as well.

By this time, they'd made it back to the room where Ebony was waiting.

"Well?" Kellan sighed, "What are we doing?"

*****

there you have it...what ARE we doing? full on attack on Ferris's well-guarded home? or will we cut our losses and hope for the best? you decide!!

[Tikanni Corazon]

Hey Andi!

Another very cool chapter! I'm liking that Kellan is playing a larger part as the story goes on. I can see him becoming a very interesting character, and am looking forward to seeing him develop more as it continues. :) *coos over Barden* So sweet, so protective. Love him!


This one thing caught my eye, though it is very minor...

Quote: The sound of the group waiting was slowly driving Barden insane. He jumped to his feet suddenly, "Why are we just sitting here?? Why aren't we doing something?? There has to be something we can do...something besides sitting here waiting for Spade to die..." He finished, leaning against the fireplace.

I think a full-stop after 'suddenly', and then start a new line with the dialogue.


Okies, dp time...I think they should go to see Ferris, but maybe no go with the intention of going in with all guns blazing, though I think they should be well prepared for a fight, just the same, in case things don't go to plan. Take a large group of people, but have most of them on standby, should they run into trouble. A small group should try and discreetly enter the castle, and attempt to get to Ferris in that way.


Keep up the good work! :)

[Andolyn]

Thanks for the comment, Tika!! if there are no more, i'll hopefully have the new chapter up this evening. =)

[Thunderbird]

I'm afraid I feel we don't know enough about this guy to make that call effectively. Ok, so he's well guarded. But how to measure our own might vs theirs?

I say we send an initial foray in to attempt a diplomacy with Ferris, if he can be approached in such a manner. And if he can't, we should scout it out first so we can make a strong stealth invasion plan. Either way we need to do it quickly.

Still enjoying this read An!

[Andolyn]

***Sorry, T! I was coming to post the new chapter when I spotted your reply! Hopefully you'll find this chapter satisfactory. =)***

Within ten minutes, the trio was out the door, slipping through the solid black of the night to the city’s outskirts and the home of Ferris, maker of the Machine. With them was a small group of Undergrounders who also had grudges against this man. Ebony strode with a set of long knives strapped to her back and a full supply of her battle potions to help with their quest. Barden wore only his broadsword. Kellan, still wishing to have the prince remain ignorant to his involvement with this most recent uprising, wore his black outfit which hid his face. To his back, his dreaded crossbow was strapped, and at his side was his own broadsword.

After what seemed like an eternity, lights from the houses of Darbinshire’s suburbs could be seen. As they got closer to their target house, the group had to be watchful for patrols of Radan’s men circling the city’s perimeter. Once, Kellan had to pull Barden back in order to avoid being spotted by a particularly silent troop.

It was obvious when they reached the house they were targeting. All around it were soldiers. Everywhere they looked, a sword was being polished, men were marching, or patrols were being made. In all, forty men were outside of the little farm house. Barden and Ebony now understood Kellan’s reluctance to come here; Radan had made sure getting to Ferris would not be an easy task.

Kellan called for a huddle behind a woodpile on the very edge of the property.

“Alright,” he sighed, shaking his head, “it’s obvious Radan hasn’t lost the use of this man, which could prove to be a good thing if we can make it out of here with him alive.” He paused, gathering his thoughts. His first instinct was to go back to the base for reinforcements, but time was not on Spade’s side, and they had already burned up two precious hours just getting here. They didn’t have that kind of time.

“Leader?” one of the shadowy men who’d accompanied them spoke up, “Abberton and me could cause a diversion out front while you all get in the back…”

Kellan was silent for a moment. He knew that it was a good plan, and it was the only way to be certain that some of them would make it in the house…but he also knew it was suicidal.

“If you bring some of the soldiers down on yourselves, they’ll all be on you. There’s no way the two of you will be able to take on all—” He was interrupted by the one called Abberton.

“Kellan,” it was obvious from this man’s voice that he was an older gentleman—and a wise one, at that. “I’ve followed you in battle and out for more than five years. Before you, I followed that brave young man lying back there in the base, and before him, I served his parents faithfully. I’ve seen a lot of horrors in the time I’ve fought these tyrants. I’ve also seen the sacrifices you’ve all made to keep things from getting worse and to make things better…let an old man give what he can in return.”

Kellan was grateful for the black mask that hid his face; at that moment, it also hid the silent tears that were making their way down his cheeks. Abberton had indeed been by his side for his reign as leader of the Underground. He’d been a mentor for Kellan and for Spade. He’d even been a guide for Spade’s parents while they lived. Kellan knew that the old man was right. As painful as it was, Abberton’s plan was the only chance they had of making it past the guards and into the house. Kellan would make one slight adjustment, though.

“All those willing will make a frontal assault with Abberton, make yourselves known,” fighting to keep his voice even, Kellan continued, “The more people there are, the longer the guards will be kept busy while we make our way in to see Ferris, and the more likely we are to bring everyone home safely. Who’s willing to go?” Kellan took a steadying breath when all of his men raised their hands…including Barden. He nodded.

“Alright, then, you seven will attack from the front. Ebony and I will make our way around to the back and enter once the commotion’s started.”

That was the plan, and it was executed beautifully. Ebony and Kellan made their way in a wide circle surrounding the little farm to the back of the property where ten more guards stood in their way. They didn’t have to wait long before some of Allington’s explosives began to sound at the other end of the lawn. Suddenly aroused, some wakened from sleep, the soldiers at the back ran to see about the commotion leaving only three for Kellan and Ebony to deal with.

Kellan made quick work of them with his crossbow, and soon, he and Ebony were quickly closing in the gap between themselves and the small house. Kellan kicked in the door with one of his heavily booted feet, and Ebony jumped through the opening with potions in hand. She threw one at a pair of guards over to the side of the table, and the men fell to the ground screaming in agony while the other was thrown at the guard who was now running at her. He fell too, but instead of screaming in pain, this man was fast asleep.

The only person left in the room was a small, round, little man cowering behind a workbench. While Ebony watched the doors, Kellan advanced on him, ready to beat answers out of him, when he noticed something that made him halt in his tracks.

The small man, Ferris, wasn’t sitting at the desk by his own choice. He was chained there.

“Please!” the man squeaked, “whoever you are, please help me! They’ve got my family!”

Without a word, Kellan drew his sword, and to the horror of Ferris, he raised the weapon high above his head. When he brought it down, the chain was severed, and Ferris was left standing there, quaking in his boots.

“We need your help,” Kellan’s voice was harsh in his haste. “My friend was nearly killed by your Machine…and he may yet die. We need to know how to combat its effects.”

Ferris’s eyes fell as he slouched back into the chair to which he’d been chained only seconds before. He looked suddenly very old—not like a man aged by time, but like one who had seen horrors unknown…one who’d created those horrors.

“I’m so sorry,” he didn’t look up. “There’s nothing you can do for your friend now. The effects are irreversible.”

Ebony had been listening from her perch by the door, but could hold back no longer.

“How could you create such a damnable thing?” anger flashed across her chocolate eyes. “How could you?? Do you know how many lives you’ve destroyed with that…that thing?”

Ferris began to weep, and Ebony’s anger deflated instantly with his next words.

“It wasn’t supposed to be used for that,” he sobbed. “My gifts were in designing technology to help with medicine and farming, but the prince corrupts anything good in this cursed place.” Here, Ferris met Kellan’s gaze. “He took my family. I know where they’re being held, but there was nothing I could do. They held me here, and said that if I did anything they didn’t like, my wife and daughters would die.”

Ferris couldn’t continue. He broke into uncontrolled sobs.

“Please, I beg you,” he pleaded, “Help me save my family.”

Kellan was about to answer, but he was cut off by the screams of his men from outside the house. Dragging Ferris with him, Kellan and Ebony raced to the door and flung it open. The sight that met them haunted Kellan for years thereafter.

The signs of battle were everywhere. Blood and fire decorated the scene, and the Undergrounders were all scattered in various places around the yard, all surrounded by the bodies of men they’d slain. One though, was in the middle. Abberton lay lifeless on the ground. Over him, holding a bloodied dagger stood a scrawny, depraved man in worn travel clothes. Kellan knew him immediately.

Willand.

The assassin stood with his legs spread, ready to spring at the next person who dared approach him. His black hair hung in his face, and from behind the oily strands, red irises glared out with an unrivaled blood lust. In years past, Willand had ground his teeth to pointed spikes that made his appearance truly horrifying. With a wicked grin, he spoke.

“Welcome back, Kellan,” the blood on Willand’s twisted face—the blood of Kellan’s men—made the blacksmith sick and filled him with rage, but before he could react, a cloud of smoke engulfed Willand’s body, and the man was gone.

Kellan stood, reeling. Willand had been there the whole time. How had Kellan not seen? With him among the ranks of all those soldiers, his men hadn't had a chance; that bloodthirsty mongrel had cost more Underground lives than any other working of the prince. Shaking his head, Kellan returned to the moment.

“Abberton??” Kellan ran forward, dropping to his knees beside the old man. He gathered Abberton in his arms and shook him lightly. “Abberton?”

“Thank you,” the words were hoarse, and took a great effort. Kellan started to speak, but the old man shushed him. “Thank you for letting me serve you, Lord Kellan.”

With that, Abberton was gone.

Kellan held him, weeping bitterly and cursing both Willand…and himself. Ebony and Ferris stood by waiting for him to move and watching for reinforcements of the enemy to come. After several minutes, Kellan stood and wiped his face.

The next man Kellan checked was Barden. The young man was surrounded by at least ten men, and was bleeding from a head wound.

"No," Kellan breathed. Losing Abberton was enough to knock the blacksmith flat. Adding on the impending loss of Spade, he didn't think he could take the devastation of having to tell the princess she'd lost both of her protectors and best friends in one night. It would kill her as well.

Kellan's fingers found Barden's neck. Holding them there for a brief second, his heart leaped. The poet's pulse was strong and slow. He was only unconscious.

Quickly, Kellan went from one man to the next. Only two of the seven remained: Barden and Allington, Abberton's son. Both had been knocked unconscious during the battle, and Allington had suffered a slash to his upper arm with a sword.

Despite their desperate hurry, the remaining Undergrounders and Ferris took time to drag their deceased comrades out to the field and bury them. After the hurried funeral, Kellan turned to Ferris and the others.

“Unfortunately, the purpose of our mission tonight was not fulfilled, as Ferris has informed us that there is no cure for the effects of the Machine,” the burden of his position was obvious in Kellan’s voice and mannerisms at that moment, “we lost many dear and faithful friends, but I feel that this night was not in vain. Ferris was freed, and now has an opportunity to rescue his family.”

Kellan paused, examining each of the tired, downcast faces in front of him.
“Now we have a decision to make,” he sighed, “My heart is torn. I wish for nothing more than to accompany Ferris and save his wife and children—they will be in grave peril when the Prince learns of what has transpired here tonight, but then I remember the dire circumstances that brought us here tonight. If we go, will Spade be lost to us before we return? There is nothing we can do for him, but my heart longs to be by his side at this time, none the less.”

Each of the Undergrounders stared at their feet, waiting for another to speak first.

*****

What do we do? Help Ferris recover his family or rush back to comfort Spade in what could be his final hours?

[Tikanni Corazon]

Another fab edition to the story An! :) Very much enjoyed!


There were a few moments when I felt the drama could possibly be built upon, but none the less, it was very good.


There were also a couple of places where the dialogue needed seperating from the rest of the text. But apart from that, it was beautifully written.


Okay, for the dp...I hate to be unsympathetic towards what Kellan wants, but if there's nothing he can do for Spade, and there is good he can do elsewhere, he should go for the latter. It's the right thing to do, and to not do that is only setting him up for more grief and guilt later on if something happens to them.


Looking forward to the next chappie Andi! Keep up the good work! :)

[Lilith]

First off:

I am so sorry it took me this long to get back on your story. It seems everytime I've snuck into IF to start reading it, some little insane piece of RL that won't leave me alone (Work, personal, my parents) decides to grab me by the ankles and drag me screaming out of IF.

Second off:

The content is great, the chapters are coming along nicely, except, it seems you're rushing through again. The previous one (I am so sorry I wasn't able to comment before, really am.) where you start off? Transitionial text, transitional text, transistional text.Very very very very very much key.

You ended off with:

When he had gone, Andolyn turned her face toward Spade. Tenderly, she tucked a loose strand of his golden hair behind his ear with her free hand. At her touch, Spade took a deep breath, but remained still otherwise; the rattling had given way to a light wheezing. More tears poured from Andolyn’s eyes.

The candle on Spade's bedside table flickered, struggling to remain lit.

“Please, don’t leave me,” Andolyn begged. “Not like this.”

and started the next chapter with:

The silence in the room where Barden sat with Ebony and Kellan was as deep as the night outside the Underground's base the following night. The only sounds were the ticking of the clock on the fireplace's mantle and the swish of Ebony's knife as she whittled away at some wood in her hand, carefully crafting a new set of arrows with some stones she'd found outside earlier that day.

Now if you put those side by side, it seems to jump from the scene with Andi praying and begging for Spade's life to God to some time later with the rest of the group. And here, it would be really easy to insert a small bit of stuff to help bring us (the reader) back to focus on where we left of. It really helps keep the flow of the story coming along, especially when we have slow periouds on IF like it is now.

So perhaps adding something like:

For all Andolyn's silent pleas and occassional sobs on Spade's behalf, there was no change in the young man's condition throughout the next day. Out of respect for the Princess, Barden, Ebony, and Kellan made a silent agreement to let Andy watch over their fallen comrade, but as night fell with no sign of alleviating Spade's condition, worry pressed heavily on them all.

Something with a bit of a review of the end of the last chapter, and a tad bit of foreshadowing on what's to come with the next. Trust me, it helps.

Next, I have a small, small idea that you may decide to use or you may decide to leave out. Give me a flashback or just a small memory of how Kellan came to find out WHO the creator was and maybe you can even link it to his own run in with 'The Machine'. But give me some more details on this.

And with your most recent chapter, I don't think the transitional text is necessary because of the way you have Kellan asking, "Well, what are we doing?" at the end of the one before. PERFECT! It sets the foreground for the next scene to be action, action, action. If you had WANTED to put in more, you could describe the three of them preparing each in their own way for the excursion but it this is fine without it.

You might want to give some more description with the group moving through the forest and such (before they get to the outskirts of the city) silently and so swiftly in the middle of the night. Perhaps dodging some sentries on patrol and such? Or even knocking a couple out so they can continue to move unhibited?

Now that that's done, for your DP:

ACK! What a horrible choice you've given us Andi! *thinks* Send Ebony back to base, to spread the word for more Undergrounders to head for a meeting place that's in the middle between there and whereever Ferris' family is being held, so that the ones still with Kellan can join up with a bigger, deadlier force to get Ferris' family out.

But don't let that inventor out of your sight! He could be lying. So, he stays with Kellan, Barden, and Allington. It may not be the best way to move with two wounded and one old man, but it's the best thing they can do. And they can't go alone without reinforcements. Ebony needs to be the messenger; her they can trust, and Barden wouldn't do well doing nothing back at the base camp.


(I give you full permission to use any or all of what I've suggested in this post. :))

[Andolyn]

goood...because it will all be used, i assure you. XD

[misterbiz]

Comfort spade...go to spade dammit

[Andolyn]

Now Polling!!

[Thunderbird]

Yeah... ugh on the choice there. You've managed to give us a solid lose lose proposition and few alternatives to propose. Though that is kinda cool too in that its a challenge to try to find a way to something positive. Sadly, wasn't here for the suggest phase and find the poll all negatives still. But that middle option seemed to be possibly good... not sure where the reinforcements would be. I thought Lil had suggested we send Ebony and a small group to achieve the inventor's objective while the rest return to be with Spade? Was that the middle option?

Anyhow, the one line that sorta bugged me in this:
Quote: That was the plan, and it was executed beautifully.
It just seemed like a very 'summary' line intended to cover a lot of ground that could have and I feel perhaps should have been more vividly delivered. Perhaps this was so that we could have, instead, a shorter chapter. But since so many are putting forward that shorter is better I suppose I shouldn't point it out as a negative ;)

But on the positive end, this chapter really leads us into a profound sense of hopelessness that a plot can really thrive on. I suspect a brief glimmer of sunshine will break through this intensely dark cloud you've cast over your entire collection of characters and once it does it will feel really relieving. So well done on the darkening shadows in this region of your painting.

[Andolyn]

i'll hopefully have the new chapter up in the next day or two if there arent any more votes. =)

[Lilith]

*facepalms* Awwcrap. It's still a tie. I'm sorry Andi.

[Vishal Muralidharan]

And I realized that I read through this without commenting again. I love the additions you've made to the story since the last time commented.

Despite the comments on this one, I really did like it. I agree with TBird though about the one-line-description-to-their-whole-plan-which-gave-me-a-feeling-that-the-planning-took-longer-than-execution. I was looking forward to some action there ;)

Well, I voted for this one weeks back (when I actually read it), so I can't break your tie now. Lets just hope it clears up soon, because I really want to see more :D

[Andolyn]

well, i might be able to work with it. XD

and i was intending for that statement to be a leadway into what happened next...but i'll see what i can do to add more action there since that seems to be the general consensus. =) thanks for following, guys! i'll see what i can do with that tie & hopefully have something up tonight or maybe tomorrow!